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To birth moms from an adoptee

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I've been reading alot of your stories and I feel compelled to tell all you about my story. I'm not a birth mom, I'm an adoptee. I see many of you that still grieve that decision, many who "drank the kool-aid" so to speak, many who wonder what happened to the child, and many who know what happened and are unhappy with the outcome. I know that it doesn't alway work out the way you want it to. And I'm not trying to downplay anyones experience or feelings. I guess I just want to try to give some of you a little piece of mind that sometimes it's not just kool-aid, sometimes it really works out great, and sometimes the child grows up happy and healthy and still loves you.

~~~~~

My birth mother was 18, my birth father was 35. She showed up, unexpected, at a home for unwed mothers. She told the workers that my birth father was out of the picture (didn't say why or even if he knew about me) and that she didn't have anywhere else to go or the resources to care for me when I came but she didn't want an abortion. She wanted to talk to someone about adoption. I'm not certain, I havn't looked at my file for several years, but I believe she was already pretty far along when she got there and so didn't stay long. Once I was born, it seems she maybe wavered in her decision because my adoptive parents didn't know they were getting me until the day before they picked me up. But she did make the decision and it was only 13 days between my birth and my going home with my new parents. My parents have told me about her my whole life. I don't even remember being "told" i was adopted, I've just always "known". They talked to me about it so early in my life that it has just always been a part of my life. I match my family perfectly. I'm always told I look like my mom and act like my dad. I've had a great life. I've argued with my parents like any kid does, but at the end of the day we still love each other. I truly do feel she made a good decision. I can't imagine my life any other way. My mom has always told me about my birth mother. Has always made sure that I knew that she did not abandon me, but let me go out of love for me. Has always made sure I know its ok to love her too. And I do. I've never met her, and it is unlikely that I ever will, but I do love her, very much. I thank God everyday for her.

by on Oct. 21, 2012 at 3:02 AM
Replies (21-30):
onethentwins
by Gold Member on Oct. 25, 2012 at 2:40 AM

I used to think that God had a hand in my adoption. After my reunion when I experienced so much agony, so much pain, so much agonising, paralysing grief, I decided there is NO frigging way that God induced this on me. There was
 no friggin way God put a child in my, to give to someone else, for their benefilt.

6 years later, I wonder again. I realize that my 18 years of being without my baby, is less than a fraction of a pico second to God. So now I wonder if God allowed me to do this knowing that after 18 years I would do my very upmost to derail the adoption industry and prevent any  other mother from making the mistake that I made.

Your relationship with CPS has absolutely nothing to do with the Domestic Infant Adoption Industry.

Quoting JulesKH:

We will just have to agree to disagree on issue of Man's Will/God's Will in adoption. The Bible even talks about it in several places and even compares God's caring for us to an adoption. I believe in God and the Bible and believe that my adoption was part of his plan for my life. However, you don't have to believe that, everyone is entitled to their own opinions and beliefs. So like I said, agree to disagree.

As for adoption being all about the money, well, that too is a matter of perspective. I'm sure that there are organizations out there that are just exactly that. But there are also those that aren't. I have a degree in social work and spent some time with child protective services and adoption services. I am also S.A.F.E. certified to do home studies for adoptions. And I can assure you that not ALL services and agencies are just out for the money.

Also, I never said, I definitely have a better life than I would've had with my bio-mom. I said "I have a great life. Is it better that what she would've given me? No one can say for sure."  I even admitted that I have no way of proving the story in my file, and that the fact the she was in braces tells me that someone could've helped (at least financially) if they had wanted to. So I don't think I'm being gullible or wearing "blinders". I've just chosen to be happy where I am and believe it is all part of a greater plan.  I could live my life waiting and wondering "what if" or I can actually live my life and be happy. And as a mother myself, I know the one thing I life I want most for my son is that he be happy. And regardless of the circumstances of my birth/adoption, I believe that my own mothers (both of them) want the same for me.

Quoting WsBirthmom:

Adoption is MAN made, not God's will.
Man's will. Just wanted to state that.
And for (some) natural mothers, it is triggering to hear that someone is speaking about having a better life, when they don't really know what life they didn't get a chance to experience. It just seems a bit of 'put the blinders on' and keep going with those who benefitted from the adoption. Not from those who lost. Many stories in closed adoptions are fabrications, that is why they were closed. The industry couldn't very well take a baby and then tell the APs that the mother really wanted to keep him/her. That would bring guilt into it for their clients, and that is not good for business.
All I'm saying, is please don't believe everything everyone tells you. That's being gullible. If you don't want to look, that's ok, just say so, but you also have to be fair and realize that the industry could have lied to your APs which was (and still is VERY MUCH) commonplace, but it's all about the $$$ for them, so it is just the 'cost of doing business'.
Please just consider what I've said. I am also not trying to change your 'happiness', but more so, open your mind to the possibilities that could be surrounding your scenario, may not be as the story you've been told.


Quoting JulesKH:

I guess I should've clarified a little bit. I said it is "unlikely I ever will" meet her because it was a completely closed adoption. I have the "unidentifiable medical information", but that is all. I've also been listed on adoption registries since I was about 20 (i'm 30 now) but only one person has contacted me and it turned out she was looking for a baby boy with my birthday (and some other info didn't match either).  So that's why I said it was "unlikely". I would like to meet her, I would like to meet any siblings. But if I never do, I'm ok with that. Please don't take offense, I don't mean to say she is unimportant, it's just that I truly am happy with my family and my life. It's true that I have no way of verifing the story I've been told. There is even a bit of it that makes me wonder. According to the info I do have, my birth-mom was still wearing braces when I was born. Braces aren't cheap, so that tells me that someone had money and could've supported her, at least up to a point. I was told the decision to move into the home and give me up was her decision. But again, no way to verify that. But either way, even if she was "drinking the kool-aid" about giving up her baby to a better life... it worked. I have a great life. Is it better that what she would've given me? No one can say for sure. But because of my Faith, I believe that I ended up just exactly where God wanted me. For whatever reason, God wanted me to be born to one mother and raised by another. It does no good for me to question why, so I'm just thankful for everything and everyone I do have. That is why I say that I'm ok if I don't get to meet my other family. Because I believe God always intended me to be with the family I am with. BTW, I also believe that I will eventually get to meet them all in Heaven. I'm sure by this point, some of you think I'm drinking all kinds of kool-aid by the gallon, but it's what I believe.


 


Fields456
by Member on Oct. 25, 2012 at 2:46 AM
1 mom liked this
I'm an adoptee too. I am jealous u have info on your birth parents. I do not. My parents found out the night before they were going to pick me up. My dad mowed the lawn at 3 am ( I'm sure their neighbors loved them at that point lol). I have had wonderful parents even though they divorced when I was 8. I am super close to both of them. And couldn't imagine my life another way. I sound like my mom and personality wise I am a perfect mix of them. So glad u have had a great life
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onethentwins
by Gold Member on Oct. 25, 2012 at 2:58 AM
1 mom liked this

 

Quoting JulesKH:

Let me just also say, that I did not mean to upset anyone or hurt anyones feelings. My whole reason for posting this was to just say "Thank You" to women like my birth mom since I can't actually tell her. I just wanted someone who had walked in her shoes to get to hear it and know that sometimes it does turn out all right. I am truly sorry if I offended anyone.


We truly appreciate what it is you are trying to say. We truly appreciate your good will. We are so very happy to have you here.

The thing is, "Thank you" is often the last thing we want to hear. Many of us didn't give up our children willingly, many of us truly "surrendered" our children against our will. Others of us, myself included, gave up our children under myths and false pretences.

Many adoptees are told to be grateful for "not being aborted" "for being chosen". Many adoptees resent that. They feel that they lost their heritage, their rights to their birth records, to their heritage, their medical history. that's often  the last thing they want to hear too.

"Adoption Loss is the only trauma in the world where the victims are expected by the whole of society to be grateful." - The Reverend Keith C. Griffith, MBE

 

JulesKH
by on Oct. 25, 2012 at 3:02 PM
1 mom liked this

I guess I can really only relate to what I've experienced. But I'm trying really hard to see the other side you all are presenting.  I've always had such a positive opinion of Adoption because everything I've personally experienced and the experiences of the people on the triad that I know personally have all had positive experiences. The birth parents I know all tell me that yes, sometimes they are sad and wonder what might have been, but ultimately they believe that they made the right decision. They have never said that they felt forced or threatened or anything. I know one family where the a-mom got to meet and talk to the b-mom and b-mom flat told her that if she had been able to afford it, she would've aborted her daughter. So that adoptee is truly grateful for "not being aborted" and "for being chosen". I know lots of adoptees, for some reason, my town seems to be full of us. I only know one that had a bad experience, and that was because his a-parents didn't tell him he was adopted until he was 13 and he kinda flipped out. He wasn't upset at being adopted (still isn't), he was just mad they didn't tell him. But that was years ago now, and he is ok with everything, and he and his a-parents have a great relationship. So in my "bubble", adoption has always been a positive thing. I was never so naive to think that it "never" went badly, but I guess maybe I didn't realize that happened as often as it does.

Also, I personally am truly grateful to have not been aborted, but chosen, and not because someone or society told me I should, but because that is how I really feel. I know too many girls that had abortions through out my high school and college years, and I do think "that could've easily been my b-mom that made that decision". So I really am thankful for just being alive. I also don't feel as though I've had anything taken away from me or "lost" anything.

Also, on an even more personal note. I can't have biological children. So I'm thankful that 12 years ago, a b-mother chose adoption over abortion, and delivered Ryan, my son. The only way for me to have children is to adopt them. So it does hurt to hear that some of you think of it as an "industry". I know there are some agencies out there that are unethical and are only out to make $$$. But not all of them are. There are people and agencies that just want to put kids who need a home into a good one.  I mentioned working with CPS and I know that that is an entirely different type of adoption, but through that I did have the opportunity to meet and work with people at traditional adoption agencies. And they were good people with a good heart that just wanted to do a little good in the world. I'm not trying to make you all feel better about your own bad experience, nothing I could say or do could ever fix that, and I'm not trying to take away from that. I guess, just like you are trying to get me to see the other side, I'm trying to do the same. Just like everything in life, sometimes adoptions go well, sometimes they don't. I truly feel sorry for all of you who had bad experiences, I can't ever imagine going through that. I can though, to a point, understand longing for child you can't have. I can't carry a baby, and you all carried one that you didn't get to keep. Two different kinds of pain, but still a pain of loss/longing.

I came to this forum hoping to connect with women like my birth mom and my son's birth mom so I could express my gratitude for women like them. And was hoping that maybe someone on here needed to hear that and it could maybe help give them just a little bit of peace. I was truly trying to do a good thing. But aparently I've done the exact opposite. I've hurt feelings and opened wounds. I apoligize for that. After reading and talking here, I'm not sure I really have much to contribute here, so I don't think I'll stay around much longer. I'll stick around for little bit to read/reply to this thread, but when it's done, I think I'll just step out. If anyone ever does need to contact me, feel free to msg me or I'm also on several other "adoption-related" forums.

Vikki77
by Silver Member on Oct. 25, 2012 at 4:23 PM
I understand if you choose to leave the group. But I hope you do stay. Good and bad stories can open up wounds. But I personally would like to hear more positive stories. It gives me hope for a brighter future. I am sorry if you have been made to feel unwelcome. I don't believe that was the intent of anyone here. I hope you stick around.

Quoting JulesKH:

I guess I can really only relate to what I've experienced. But I'm trying really hard to see the other side you all are presenting.  I've always had such a positive opinion of Adoption because everything I've personally experienced and the experiences of the people on the triad that I know personally have all had positive experiences. The birth parents I know all tell me that yes, sometimes they are sad and wonder what might have been, but ultimately they believe that they made the right decision. They have never said that they felt forced or threatened or anything. I know one family where the a-mom got to meet and talk to the b-mom and b-mom flat told her that if she had been able to afford it, she would've aborted her daughter. So that adoptee is truly grateful for "not being aborted" and "for being chosen". I know lots of adoptees, for some reason, my town seems to be full of us. I only know one that had a bad experience, and that was because his a-parents didn't tell him he was adopted until he was 13 and he kinda flipped out. He wasn't upset at being adopted (still isn't), he was just mad they didn't tell him. But that was years ago now, and he is ok with everything, and he and his a-parents have a great relationship. So in my "bubble", adoption has always been a positive thing. I was never so naive to think that it "never" went badly, but I guess maybe I didn't realize that happened as often as it does.

Also, I personally am truly grateful to have not been aborted, but chosen, and not because someone or society told me I should, but because that is how I really feel. I know too many girls that had abortions through out my high school and college years, and I do think "that could've easily been my b-mom that made that decision". So I really am thankful for just being alive. I also don't feel as though I've had anything taken away from me or "lost" anything.

Also, on an even more personal note. I can't have biological children. So I'm thankful that 12 years ago, a b-mother chose adoption over abortion, and delivered Ryan, my son. The only way for me to have children is to adopt them. So it does hurt to hear that some of you think of it as an "industry". I know there are some agencies out there that are unethical and are only out to make $$$. But not all of them are. There are people and agencies that just want to put kids who need a home into a good one.  I mentioned working with CPS and I know that that is an entirely different type of adoption, but through that I did have the opportunity to meet and work with people at traditional adoption agencies. And they were good people with a good heart that just wanted to do a little good in the world. I'm not trying to make you all feel better about your own bad experience, nothing I could say or do could ever fix that, and I'm not trying to take away from that. I guess, just like you are trying to get me to see the other side, I'm trying to do the same. Just like everything in life, sometimes adoptions go well, sometimes they don't. I truly feel sorry for all of you who had bad experiences, I can't ever imagine going through that. I can though, to a point, understand longing for child you can't have. I can't carry a baby, and you all carried one that you didn't get to keep. Two different kinds of pain, but still a pain of loss/longing.

I came to this forum hoping to connect with women like my birth mom and my son's birth mom so I could express my gratitude for women like them. And was hoping that maybe someone on here needed to hear that and it could maybe help give them just a little bit of peace. I was truly trying to do a good thing. But aparently I've done the exact opposite. I've hurt feelings and opened wounds. I apoligize for that. After reading and talking here, I'm not sure I really have much to contribute here, so I don't think I'll stay around much longer. I'll stick around for little bit to read/reply to this thread, but when it's done, I think I'll just step out. If anyone ever does need to contact me, feel free to msg me or I'm also on several other "adoption-related" forums.

Posted on CafeMom Mobile
Cedartrees4
by Silver Member on Oct. 25, 2012 at 6:28 PM
3 moms liked this

JulesKH, when stats show that between 69 and 98 percent of women who have lost a child to adoption were coerced, and when blatantly coercive practices such as promises of open adoption, financial entrapment of expectant mothers, and pre-birth matching are openly practiced and accepted by society, then there is no "decision" in these cases and to thank a mother for having been coerced into surrendering her baby can be very hurtful.  It was not a "decision' when my baby was taken at birth for adoption (and no different for the mother whose babies taken at birth by PAPs rather than hospital staff).  

And many of us, looking at the fact that we found out by experience that we should have allowed to make the decision abot adoption long after recovering from birth, have realized that abortion is not even in the equation.   It is not an altrnative to adoption and should not be even mentioned in the same sentence.  You see, abortion is a decision for early in pregnancy -- to abort or become a mother.   At least 6 weeks is needed to recover from childbirth and get to know her baby and motherhood first-hand, at which point a mother is then able to make an informed decision: be a mother raising her baby or a mother without her baby.   In the 1940s it was known that mothers needed weeks and months post-birth to make this decision -- in Australia and the U.K. it is still the norm.  Why did it change in Canada and the U.S.? Because at the start of the Baby Scoop Era the for-profit adoption industry needed newborn babies for the market!  Then, women started keeping their babies again so they invented "open adoption" as the next lure to get them to surrender.  When babies now sell for $25,000 and up, millions of dollars in marketing goes into researching what will get more mothers to surrender -- read the post at http://www.divinecaroline.com/34/39669-national-council-adoption-mothers-money to see the truth.  Accepting money in exchange for a baby is human trafficking -- if adoption *was* actually about helping children, no-one would be paying money for children -- it would be a social service, provided free.

For me, for anyone who lost a baby they loved and wanted, adoption is not a gift, it is a form of rape, of explotation and violation.  And many, many of us are told at the time that it was our "decision" and many still think of it that way for years after, not realizing how they were coerced, as the coercion is so subtle.  They feel guilt, they blame themselves, they grieve, they wonder "how could i have given away my baby?" when in fact in many cases the blame rests with the baby brokers and any hospital staff who kept mom and baby separate.


As for your personal story, I hope you get to meet your natural mother, because unless you meet yher in person, you will never be able to ask her directly about the truth, whether she was coerced or not.  Your description ("at she didn't have anywhere else to go or the resources to care for me") indicates that she experienced blatant financial coercion (http://www.originscanada.org/adoption-coercion-checklist/) and human rights abuse, along with the at-birth separation as a system set up to increase surrender rates.  Knowing how maternity homes operate, as baby farms, few mothers escaped them with their babies, especially during the BSE but also today.  :(   My son's adoptive parents were also told it was my "choice," as no adoptive parent wants to think that he/she is complicit in coercion, guilty of being a party to separating a mother from her baby.  My guess is that they still believe it.  :( 

onethentwins
by Gold Member on Oct. 25, 2012 at 7:44 PM

Thanks for sharing that Cedars. Claud's blog was fascinating.

JulesKH
by on Oct. 25, 2012 at 9:40 PM

Vikki77, It's not that I feel unwelcome, it's just that I don't know that I have anything to really contribute. My story seems to hurtful to most people on here and I don't ever want to be the cause of any hurt.

However, I will admit that I am a little hurt, or maybe just disappointed, that everyone seems to feel that I'm wrong to have positive feelings about being adopted. That there is no way my story is true. That I'm just "drinking the kool-aid. So I feel if I stay, I will only continue to have this exact converstion over and over and nothing productive will ever come from it. I feel that these groups are meant to be a place for advice, comfort, and healing. I don't think I'm helping contribute to any of that.

Regardless of the circumstances surrounding my birth/adoption. I do believe that my bmom does love me. And while I've never given birth to a child, I imagine that any mother who loves her child wants that child to be happy. That is what I want for my own child, only for him to be happy, everything else falls behind that. So I think that my bmom would want me to be happy too. And I am.


Cedartrees4: I don't want to argue. You obviously have your beliefs and I respect that. But as I said, my son is adopted. And I do find it offensive when people refer to adoption as "buying a baby".  In my business, I don't sell items, I provide a service.  A service that requires my time, energy, and brain power. And I expect to get paid for that. An adoption worker also provides a service. They put the time, energy, and brain power into navigating the legal system and getting everything put in place. So of course they should be paid that. I'm not "buying a baby", I'm paying for the service they provide. It's the same a someone who has a baby naturally paying the hospital so they can pay the doctors and nurses that helped facilitate the delivery. No one would ever accuse that mother of "buying a baby" because she had to pay the hospital.

Fab74
by Member on Oct. 25, 2012 at 9:56 PM
1 mom liked this

Hi Jules,

I for one hope you end up sticking around. As I've said before, I may not enjoy hearing other perspectives from non-bio moms who have not lived what we went through which in turn makes me feel misunderstood, under-appreciated and at times insulted but the fact of the matter is you and all others in the triad are all I have that makes sense to this adoption nightmare that has been mine for the past 17 years.

Our experiences of adoption as birth moms, regardless of how we came into them, are synonymous with nothing but sorrow, agony and I know for me it was often one of wishing I were dead because it seemed that only death could stop the hurt. It is humanly impossible to feel anything else when one has lost a child, through adoption or other. 

I chose to place my daughter without being coerced into it. I was in total control of it all and worked with a social worker and an attorney who constantly reminded me of my rights and of the fact that I could change my mind and get my child back. But I didn't and I don't blame anyone for my decision, not even myself. I wasn't duped, tricked or lied to. Everything I was told happened exactly as it was explained to me. My circumstances were what they were then and I couldn't do a thing to change that. I had 9 months to think it through and in the end I stuck with what I knew was the best decision for my child. I still believe it was the right decision for her and I now have confirmation of that. Sure we will both always have to deal with this in one way or another but I feel that we are fortunate to have had all the individuals involved in her adoption who all stuck to their word and did what was best for her and her only. I sought the adoptive parents and I entrusted them to be the person I knew I couldn't be for my child then. They delivered and even surpassed my expectations as far as she is concerned. 

I can't change the past and I will wish for eternity that my life had been different then and I had kept my child but it is what it is. This was my path to take and so be it. I own it, and I own the pain that comes with it because there is nothing else to do today than accept my situation and find comfort knowing it wasn't in vain.

I am not hurt or offended when being thanked, but I also don't feel flattered or special in any way. I am rather indifferent to it because it is bittersweet to me. I mourn everyday the loss of my child and I know this will never change, therefore being thanked is something I simply do not know how to respond to, so I don't.

With that said, I understand that I am not the norm. But I can and sometimes do take offense to other things that are being said from bmoms who probably wouldn't understand my reactions and why. However I can also appreciate that because our experiences are all different, so will our responses from time-to-time. I believe the the same can be said for adoptees and aparents and this is why I think you should stick around. We all have questions and are all still learning about what brings us all together here but also within our own triads. Adoption and its rules and laws are slowly but progressively changing and with that come new and different emotions and interactions. Your input is as valuable as anyone else's to me and I know I need people like you to make sense of what became the most drastic turning event in my life.

I've sat through support groups with adoptees and aparents who berated me just for being in the same room as them and I refuse to attend another triad support group because of those experiences. I need to know that adoption can sometimes bring about a positive outcome, even if it isn't for me. I just need to know that in trying to do the right thing by my child and for her, I didn't just screw up her life too in the process.  And this is where you come in for me.

The fact is you will unknowingly offend some and some will offend you. It's inevitable, but my suggestion is to let others get to know you as you learn to know them for online conversations on such a sensitive topic can often be the cause of more misunderstandings than a face-to-face would ever be. 

*sorry for rambling on, the Cabernet 's kicked in  ;)  *

JulesKH
by on Oct. 25, 2012 at 11:05 PM
1 mom liked this

don't worry about the rambling, my moscoto is kicking in too ;)

And thank you for your kind reply. You are exactly why I initially wrote this post. Well, not you specifically, I didn't know you yet, but women like you. In retrospect, maybe "thank you" wasn't right phrase, it's just what I was feeling at the time. Maybe "I'm ok, and I'm happy" would've been better. Because I do know that some adoptions don't work out well and that bmoms often wonder how their child's life turned out, I guess I just wanted to give some reasurance that sometimes it does go well, and that sometimes we are truly ok and happy with our lives. And because of a specific friend of mine who is bmom, who once asked me if I resented my bmom for "giving me up" or if I felt "rejected" or "abanonded", I wanted to give reassurance that I don't feel any of those things. I know that none of that takes away the pain of not being with your child, that was never my intention. Nothing can do that. I justed hoped to maybe give a little bit of peace of mind. And it wasn't just for the bmoms out there, it was for me too. Because I havn't gotten to say thoses things to my own bmom, it's helps a little to get to say it to someone who walked in her shoes.

Quoting Fab74:

Hi Jules,

I for one hope you end up sticking around. As I've said before, I may not enjoy hearing other perspectives from non-bio moms who have not lived what we went through which in turn makes me feel misunderstood, under-appreciated and at times insulted but the fact of the matter is you and all others in the triad are all I have that makes sense to this adoption nightmare that has been mine for the past 17 years.

Our experiences of adoption as birth moms, regardless of how we came into them, are synonymous with nothing but sorrow, agony and I know for me it was often one of wishing I were dead because it seemed that only death could stop the hurt. It is humanly impossible to feel anything else when one has lost a child, through adoption or other. 

I chose to place my daughter without being coerced into it. I was in total control of it all and worked with a social worker and an attorney who constantly reminded me of my rights and of the fact that I could change my mind and get my child back. But I didn't and I don't blame anyone for my decision, not even myself. I wasn't duped, tricked or lied to. Everything I was told happened exactly as it was explained to me. My circumstances were what they were then and I couldn't do a thing to change that. I had 9 months to think it through and in the end I stuck with what I knew was the best decision for my child. I still believe it was the right decision for her and I now have confirmation of that. Sure we will both always have to deal with this in one way or another but I feel that we are fortunate to have had all the individuals involved in her adoption who all stuck to their word and did what was best for her and her only. I sought the adoptive parents and I entrusted them to be the person I knew I couldn't be for my child then. They delivered and even surpassed my expectations as far as she is concerned. 

I can't change the past and I will wish for eternity that my life had been different then and I had kept my child but it is what it is. This was my path to take and so be it. I own it, and I own the pain that comes with it because there is nothing else to do today than accept my situation and find comfort knowing it wasn't in vain.

I am not hurt or offended when being thanked, but I also don't feel flattered or special in any way. I am rather indifferent to it because it is bittersweet to me. I mourn everyday the loss of my child and I know this will never change, therefore being thanked is something I simply do not know how to respond to, so I don't.

With that said, I understand that I am not the norm. But I can and sometimes do take offense to other things that are being said from bmoms who probably wouldn't understand my reactions and why. However I can also appreciate that because our experiences are all different, so will our responses from time-to-time. I believe the the same can be said for adoptees and aparents and this is why I think you should stick around. We all have questions and are all still learning about what brings us all together here but also within our own triads. Adoption and its rules and laws are slowly but progressively changing and with that come new and different emotions and interactions. Your input is as valuable as anyone else's to me and I know I need people like you to make sense of what became the most drastic turning event in my life.

I've sat through support groups with adoptees and aparents who berated me just for being in the same room as them and I refuse to attend another triad support group because of those experiences. I need to know that adoption can sometimes bring about a positive outcome, even if it isn't for me. I just need to know that in trying to do the right thing by my child and for her, I didn't just screw up her life too in the process.  And this is where you come in for me.

The fact is you will unknowingly offend some and some will offend you. It's inevitable, but my suggestion is to let others get to know you as you learn to know them for online conversations on such a sensitive topic can often be the cause of more misunderstandings than a face-to-face would ever be. 

*sorry for rambling on, the Cabernet 's kicked in  ;)  *


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