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To birth moms from an adoptee

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I've been reading alot of your stories and I feel compelled to tell all you about my story. I'm not a birth mom, I'm an adoptee. I see many of you that still grieve that decision, many who "drank the kool-aid" so to speak, many who wonder what happened to the child, and many who know what happened and are unhappy with the outcome. I know that it doesn't alway work out the way you want it to. And I'm not trying to downplay anyones experience or feelings. I guess I just want to try to give some of you a little piece of mind that sometimes it's not just kool-aid, sometimes it really works out great, and sometimes the child grows up happy and healthy and still loves you.

~~~~~

My birth mother was 18, my birth father was 35. She showed up, unexpected, at a home for unwed mothers. She told the workers that my birth father was out of the picture (didn't say why or even if he knew about me) and that she didn't have anywhere else to go or the resources to care for me when I came but she didn't want an abortion. She wanted to talk to someone about adoption. I'm not certain, I havn't looked at my file for several years, but I believe she was already pretty far along when she got there and so didn't stay long. Once I was born, it seems she maybe wavered in her decision because my adoptive parents didn't know they were getting me until the day before they picked me up. But she did make the decision and it was only 13 days between my birth and my going home with my new parents. My parents have told me about her my whole life. I don't even remember being "told" i was adopted, I've just always "known". They talked to me about it so early in my life that it has just always been a part of my life. I match my family perfectly. I'm always told I look like my mom and act like my dad. I've had a great life. I've argued with my parents like any kid does, but at the end of the day we still love each other. I truly do feel she made a good decision. I can't imagine my life any other way. My mom has always told me about my birth mother. Has always made sure that I knew that she did not abandon me, but let me go out of love for me. Has always made sure I know its ok to love her too. And I do. I've never met her, and it is unlikely that I ever will, but I do love her, very much. I thank God everyday for her.

by on Oct. 21, 2012 at 3:02 AM
Replies (31-40):
vampporcupine
by Silver Member on Oct. 26, 2012 at 12:00 AM
And what happens if your friends child was raised by abusers or a pedophile? What if he is so filled with pain from being what he may see as rejected from his mother that he commits suicide? Some of our mothers have found this to be a true scenario. One just last year. She looked for her daughter too late. Her amom said they had tried to find her sooner.
I also know many, many adoptees. They are not "happy" being adopted even if they grew up in a wonderful home.

I am curious that you say your son will never meet his mother. Do you mind sharing why? Is she deceased?

I think it would be a good idea for you to hang around and read posts. It may be an eye-opener for you. I don't think anyone here has said they are not pleased that you are happy. We all hope that our child was cared for and loved.

You stated that you are sure that some "bmoms" wonder about their child. I wish that were true. 98% of us both wanted and loved our child. We yearn for them all of our lives and grieve in silence as we were told to. The day they made me sign was the day they tore my soul from me. For 22 years I was only half a person, if one at all. I died that day and have yet to meet a mother who hasn't felt the same. There is no closure as our child still lives. We are mothers with empty arms. We never forget.

I am attempting to explain as best I can in writing to you. I am giving you facts and truths not in an accusing way as I see you seem to read that even though it isn't there in some posts. I think you need to understand each persons writing style to get the underlying tone. Its tough at first but gets easier as you see us interact with each other. Just remember that this is our support group and you'll need to judge where appropriate to join in.

Unfortunately I am fasting for some medical tests so can't join with a glass of wine :(
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onethentwins
by Gold Member on Oct. 26, 2012 at 12:44 AM
1 mom liked this

margarita time

I could have sworn there was a wine sweatpea, but this will have to do.

onethentwins
by Gold Member on Oct. 26, 2012 at 12:56 AM


Quoting JulesKH:

Vikki77, It's not that I feel unwelcome, it's just that I don't know that I have anything to really contribute. My story seems to hurtful to most people on here and I don't ever want to be the cause of any hurt.

I'm not sure why you feel this way. I'm sure no one here is hurt because an adoptee is happy with their life. We wish all adoptees were happy.

However, I will admit that I am a little hurt, or maybe just disappointed, that everyone seems to feel that I'm wrong to have positive feelings about being adopted.That there is no way my story is true. That I'm just "drinking the kool-aid. So I feel if I stay, I will only continue to have this exact converstion over and over and nothing productive will ever come from it. I feel that these groups are meant to be a place for advice, comfort, and healing. I don't think I'm helping contribute to any of that.

Again, I have no idea why you feel this way, I really don't.

Regardless of the circumstances surrounding my birth/adoption. I do believe that my bmom does love me. And while I've never given birth to a child, I imagine that any mother who loves her child wants that child to be happy. That is what I want for my own child, only for him to be happy, everything else falls behind that. So I think that my bmom would want me to be happy too. And I am.

 We all want our children to be happy, and we all love our adoptee children. Is there something we said that would make you feel otherwise? The biggest betrayal in the world is when a birth mother gives up her baby, coerced or not, to find that our children have been harmed by being relinquished, or by being adopted. That's not what any of us wanted.

I don't know what else to say, other than I don't think anyone want's you to leave and I'm sorry that you didn't find what you were looking for in this group. But, the choice is yours.

JulesKH
by on Oct. 26, 2012 at 1:18 AM
3 moms liked this

As for my friend and her son, I figure if she is content with her decision, that is good enough for me. She chose the family and met them beforehand and she is satisfied with their ability to raise a child. I don't ask her questions, I don't want to pry, but she does sometimes come to me with questions. Asking how I felt about things at a particular age. I try to help her as best I can.

As for my son, well, that's complicated. I actually typed out his whole story, but decided to delete it. I don't feel like having to defend it. I'm fully aware that his situation was far from ideal. And I hope that one day he can fully understand what happened and truly understand the sacrifice his bmom made by giving him up. After all I've read here, I have a pretty good idea of how most would respond. And I'm just not up to debating about my son. That is a subject that will touch a nerve quick. And I don't feel anything productive will come of it.

And why exactly do I need an eye-opener? I've already stated that I agree that not all adoption stories are positive. They are not all happy. They are not all good. I've said that I know that nothing I can say/do will ever help ease the pain of loss and the grief  birthmothers feel. I can't empathize because I've not been there, but I do know some forms of pain and loss so to a degree I can sympathize. And I know that grief is the most difficult pain in the world. I'm not trying to take anything away from that. I woudn't dare.

I just thought it might help someone to hear that an adoptee did turn ok and happy. It helped me to say it. Well, it did at first. Now I wish I had kept my mouth shut. Not because I'm suddenly aware that everything in adoption is not all sunshine and roses, I already knew that. But because what I intened to be for good just turned into hurt feelings.

You said this is a "support group", I was trying to be supportive and helpful, I meant to do a good thing. Maybe I said it wrong. Maybe my "gratefullness" was not appropriate. Maybe I didn't know how to put it just right, But my heart was in the right place.

vampporcupine
by Silver Member on Oct. 26, 2012 at 1:47 AM
1 mom liked this
Again, no one here has said you've hurt anyone's feelings. We are a very open and honest group and most people have not heard what we speak of. This, is usually eye-opening and can also be difficult to hear. It was for me when I first joined. I had no idea that others were out there who hurt as I did. Your good intentions were not turned into something else, we understood what you meant and were trying to educate you as to why it would hurt to hear those words. There is no need for you to be defensive.
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2jeffsmom
by Bronze Member on Oct. 26, 2012 at 2:17 AM
1 mom liked this

Jules, I hope you can stay. I understand your intentions are good. I feel the caring and kindness in your words. It's difficult to read a lot of the stories of truth a lot of us have dealt with. I, occasionally have to take time away, because I don't feel the strength to cope with the emotions of it all. I'm a birth mom in reunion for 6 years. My son is 38.

I feel you have something to contribute.  I have a craving for a window inside my sons life, and wonder if you may have insight. I know there can be a lot of resentment and anger expressed here. We feel like this is the place we can express those feelings that are justifiable and know we're understood by those that have been there.

I hope we can help you somehow and don't chase you away.

onethentwins
by Gold Member on Oct. 26, 2012 at 4:19 AM
1 mom liked this

 

Quoting JulesKH:

I just thought it might help someone to hear that an adoptee did turn ok and happy. It helped me to say it. Well, it did at first. Now I wish I had kept my mouth shut. Not because I'm suddenly aware that everything in adoption is not all sunshine and roses, I already knew that. But because what I intened to be for good just turned into hurt feelings.

You said this is a "support group", I was trying to be supportive and helpful, I meant to do a good thing. Maybe I said it wrong. Maybe my "gratefullness" was not appropriate. Maybe I didn't know how to put it just right, But my heart was in the right place.


Well, I don't know what else we can say to make you feel more comfortable. Did you really think we didn't know an adoptee that turned out ok? How often do we have to say our feelings are not hurt? How many ways can we say that your happiness is not hurtful to us? You say you know don't know how to be supportive? How hard is "I'm sorry for your loss"?

It seems to me that you came here on the premise of giving support, but really looking for acceptance. We are birth moms, we've listened to your adoptee peers, we've sat in support groups with them, we've read their books, we've heard their words, we know how you feel and what you're going through, like it or not. And we can support you, in any way you want.

adopteeme
by Bronze Member on Oct. 26, 2012 at 4:47 AM
1 mom liked this
Jules
I do hope you'll be able to stay and listen to the moms here.
They have so much to share about living on that side of the adoption.
Everyone of them have something to offer you in better understanding what happened to your mother, and how she may be feeling without you in her life.

I am a closed adoption adoptee too. I have been where you are. (my words here but I sence you may feel this to some degree too.) 'thank you, all is as its susposed to be, and I have no need to look back. There is nothing missing. And, she should find me if she wants to'.

Listening to these Mothers gave me a much bigger and better understanding of my Mother.
Because deep down, I believed she hated me enough to get rid of me. I believed that I had some real anger about her walking away. I believed I got the family I deserved.
But it was just too easy to put all those feelings in a box and put it away out of sight, because I would never know for certain in a closed adoption.

Once I began my search, I found everything that I had believed to be true was FALSE.
It truly rocked my world to learn all that had been kept from me about my Mother, family, and beginnings. With time and lots of support from other triad members, I was able to take those new found facts and put them into place in my life.

Because NOW I know the TRUTH. All that was hidden from me about myself and both my families is in full light. No more secrets. No more lies.

Some of it is not pretty. Some of it is painful. But I am now "allowed" to know and experience the beauty and love found within it too. Do hope you'll stick around.

JulesKH
by on Oct. 26, 2012 at 10:41 AM

OK, let me start all over then, since this this turned into such confusion for me. I've been thinking and trying to put my finger on exactly what i hoped to accomplish with this post. When I originally posted I didn't really think it though, I just did it, because that is what I was feeling a the time. My shrink says it's good for me to express my feelings, so I did. (If you're wondering, I have a shrink because I have anxiety attacks). So as I've thought about, I think I've maybe figured it out. I've never thought my mother abandoned me or didn't love me enough to keep me. I've always believed that she loved me so much that she made the ultimate sacrifice and let me go to someone that could give me the type of life she couldn't at the time. I've never been able to even comprehend how much strenth that would take and how much pain it must have caused. Every year on my birthday, the first thing I think is, "I wonder if she's thinking of me right now too?" And I bet she does, your child's birthday isn't something you ever forget. And since we've never met, she has no way to know if I'm ok, if I'm happy, if I've had a good life. She has no way of knowing that I don't hate her. That I don't belived she hated me. That I truly am grateful to her. But the other side to that is, not only does she not get to hear it, but I don't get to say it. I don't know who to say it to. I don't even have a name. I've been on registries since I was about 19 (I'm 30 now), I even put more info on there than is really advisable hopeing someone would recoginze something in it. If anyone was looking for me, they could've found me. After 10+ years of no response, I've come to the conclusion that no one is looking. I don't know why, but it's possible it's too painful for her to think about, or maybe she is deceased, or maybe she has a family that isn't comfortable with it. I don't know. But I don't want to be the one barges in and disrupts whatever it is. So I realized that when I posted that, it was mostly just to get it out there, to get to say those things somewhere besides my in my head. And I hoped that maybe there was maybe one of you that wanted or needed to hear those things. It wasn't that I think you don't know that some of us are ok. But sometime even thought I "know" something, it's still nice to hear. Like when my son says "love you too" before he crawls in bed, I know he loves me, but it's nice to hear just the same.  As I said, my sons story is complicated, so please trust me when I say I know both sides of the coin. The short story is this: I believe his mother probably wanted to keep him. Her giving him up was likely an act of despiration. The only 2 choices she had were to keep him and they both have a life that was difficult at best or give him up and hope he ended up with a better situation. I know 12 years later, she is still in pain, wishing she had had another option. And if I were her, I would be wondering if I made the right choice, if he is ok, if he has a good life now. And if I could, I would go to her, I would tell her what a happy kid he is. How he loves to read. How super smart he is. That he was "student of the week" at his school last week. That he is a wonderful kid, and almost never get in any kind of trouble. I would tell about how he is only one the cat actually likes. How the dogs fuss over who gets to sit in his lap. I would tell her about how even though he is growing up he still likes to sleep in his "cave" made of blankets. All these things that I know about him and she doesn't get to know, that I wish she could. I didn't come here to try to tell anyone how anything is. I came here just tell someone. And not just anyone. Women who have been in a similar place and my and his birthmothers. And in the process of me getting say it, maybe just maybe, it helps someone to hear it.

I didn't need statistics, with my degree in social work and psychology and my own research into adoptions, I have more statistics in my head that anyone should ever have to know. I didn't need someone telling me that my faith and my beliefs were wrong. Faith is, believing without proof, without reason. So I can't say why God wanted this for my life, I just believe in it. I didn't need anyone to question my story, I already know there is some stuff missing, but I've done the best I could with what I had. All I needed was to tell my story. To say the words I've never gotten to say.  And now I have.

I'm sorry this is long and rambling, but I'm not always good with words. I also have a "learning disablity" that I work really hard to overcome, but anytime a situation is stressfull, or painful, or in this case, emotional, it's harder to work around. So I hope I'm making sense.

I will also apoligize one more time, this time more specifically. When I wrote what I did, I wrote it with my own story (at least what I know of it) in mind. The story of a girl who just wasn't "ready" and chose adoption instead of parenting. And I wrote it for her and those who share that story. I didn't think about how people with very different stories would also read it and how it would sound to them. For that, I do apoligize.

Southernroots
by Group Admin on Oct. 26, 2012 at 9:16 PM
2 moms liked this


Quoting JulesKH:

OK, let me start all over then, since this this turned into such confusion for me. I've been thinking and trying to put my finger on exactly what i hoped to accomplish with this post. When I originally posted I didn't really think it though, I just did it, because that is what I was feeling a the time. My shrink says it's good for me to express my feelings, so I did. (If you're wondering, I have a shrink because I have anxiety attacks). So as I've thought about, I think I've maybe figured it out. I've never thought my mother abandoned me or didn't love me enough to keep me. I've always believed that she loved me so much that she made the ultimate sacrifice and let me go to someone that could give me the type of life she couldn't at the time. I've never been able to even comprehend how much strenth that would take and how much pain it must have caused. Every year on my birthday, the first thing I think is, "I wonder if she's thinking of me right now too?" And I bet she does, your child's birthday isn't something you ever forget. And since we've never met, she has no way to know if I'm ok, if I'm happy, if I've had a good life. She has no way of knowing that I don't hate her. That I don't belived she hated me. That I truly am grateful to her. But the other side to that is, not only does she not get to hear it, but I don't get to say it. I don't know who to say it to. I don't even have a name. I've been on registries since I was about 19 (I'm 30 now), I even put more info on there than is really advisable hopeing someone would recoginze something in it. If anyone was looking for me, they could've found me. After 10+ years of no response, I've come to the conclusion that no one is looking. I don't know why, but it's possible it's too painful for her to think about, or maybe she is deceased, or maybe she has a family that isn't comfortable with it. I don't know. But I don't want to be the one barges in and disrupts whatever it is. So I realized that when I posted that, it was mostly just to get it out there, to get to say those things somewhere besides my in my head. And I hoped that maybe there was maybe one of you that wanted or needed to hear those things. It wasn't that I think you don't know that some of us are ok. But sometime even thought I "know" something, it's still nice to hear. Like when my son says "love you too" before he crawls in bed, I know he loves me, but it's nice to hear just the same.  As I said, my sons story is complicated, so please trust me when I say I know both sides of the coin. The short story is this: I believe his mother probably wanted to keep him. Her giving him up was likely an act of despiration. The only 2 choices she had were to keep him and they both have a life that was difficult at best or give him up and hope he ended up with a better situation. I know 12 years later, she is still in pain, wishing she had had another option. And if I were her, I would be wondering if I made the right choice, if he is ok, if he has a good life now. And if I could, I would go to her, I would tell her what a happy kid he is. How he loves to read. How super smart he is. That he was "student of the week" at his school last week. That he is a wonderful kid, and almost never get in any kind of trouble. I would tell about how he is only one the cat actually likes. How the dogs fuss over who gets to sit in his lap. I would tell her about how even though he is growing up he still likes to sleep in his "cave" made of blankets. All these things that I know about him and she doesn't get to know, that I wish she could. I didn't come here to try to tell anyone how anything is. I came here just tell someone. And not just anyone. Women who have been in a similar place and my and his birthmothers. And in the process of me getting say it, maybe just maybe, it helps someone to hear it.

I didn't need statistics, with my degree in social work and psychology and my own research into adoptions, I have more statistics in my head that anyone should ever have to know. I didn't need someone telling me that my faith and my beliefs were wrong. Faith is, believing without proof, without reason. So I can't say why God wanted this for my life, I just believe in it. I didn't need anyone to question my story, I already know there is some stuff missing, but I've done the best I could with what I had. All I needed was to tell my story. To say the words I've never gotten to say.  And now I have.

I'm sorry this is long and rambling, but I'm not always good with words. I also have a "learning disablity" that I work really hard to overcome, but anytime a situation is stressfull, or painful, or in this case, emotional, it's harder to work around. So I hope I'm making sense.

I will also apoligize one more time, this time more specifically. When I wrote what I did, I wrote it with my own story (at least what I know of it) in mind. The story of a girl who just wasn't "ready" and chose adoption instead of parenting. And I wrote it for her and those who share that story. I didn't think about how people with very different stories would also read it and how it would sound to them. For that, I do apoligize.

I don't think you have anything to apologize for because I believe that we all understand that your heart was in the right place.  Your post above does make it clearer to me why you posted originally and that's helpful.  

You have every right to be in this group and if sharing your feelings about your birth mom was helpful to you, I am very pleased that is the case.  The more time one spends in adoption groups, the more we all realize how certain things we say can "trigger" hurt in others whether we intend it or not.  As much as we all try to avoid it, sometimes it happens because we don't always understand all the things that trigger others.

I read your original post and felt good about it UNTIL you mentioned thanking birth moms.  Many of us are sensitive about being thanked because we feel as though we are being thanked for a decision we now regret or believe was a bad decision. You also experienced some of our feelings when you mentioned your friend's satisfaction with adoption, even though you also said you were aware there are good and bad parts of it.  Adoption has been a long and difficult experience for many of us and we are sometimes extremely sensitive when a newcomer says positive things about it.  I'm glad you are aware it isn't all roses and sunshine.

I am telling these things in the way of an explanation, not to further drum on you.  I hope you can take my comments in the spirit I offer them, to help you understand, nothing more.  You are welcome in this group and I hope you stick around!

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