Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

Waiting for Reunion

Posted by on Oct. 24, 2012 at 11:14 AM
  • 9 Replies
  • 237 Total Views

Oh man, I don't know what is going on with me lately.  Does anyone else out there feel like they're just waiting and longing for the day when you can see your child again?

Although my son is always at the back of mind, lately he has been at the forefront.  I can't seem to get it out of my head, I want and long so much to just be able to talk to him, to hear his voice, to hear him talk about his childhood. 

He turned 14 this year.  In 4 long years he will be 18.  18, the magic number!  But I'm so conflicted about hoping that it really is the magic number.  What are the odds that I ever cross his mind?  What are the odds that he would actually be open to talking to me? I feel like they are pretty slim, but I can't help but think to myself...4 more years, 4 more years.

I read tons of adult adoptee blogs and everyone is different.  I see comments ranging from people who only want medical info to those who actually go back and live with their natural mothers.  My biggest fear is that he will want absolutely no contact with me, but I can't help but have hope.

Dammit, I hate that my adoption is so closed.  At least I have seen a picture of him, granted it was from 2 years ago.  Is it so crazy that I would want to know what my own child looks like??

I know this post is all over the place, I just needed to vent it out.  Thanks for listening/reading.

by on Oct. 24, 2012 at 11:14 AM
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Replies (1-9):
vampporcupine
by Silver Member on Oct. 24, 2012 at 11:48 AM
Unfortunately, you cannot know his feelings on reunion. Also, his feelings can change during different stages of life. I struggled with whether or not to contact my daughter after she turned 18. After reading many blogs, the highest percentage of adoptees seemed to be angry that they had to be the one to search. So I reached out and messaged her. I was initially met with anger and hate. I had prepared myself for that before though. I kept the door open for her even with the venom she spewed my way, lol. We ended up with a great online relationship for 2 years. Then, her paternal grandmother decided she couldn't wait to meet her. It ruined everything. I have received two emails this year. Otherwise I am met with silence. Sometimes met with hate again.
Reunion is not for the faint of heart. It is painful. It rarely goes as you have fantasized.
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
leenburke
by Member on Oct. 24, 2012 at 12:00 PM

Thank you for sharing your story.  Honestly it helps me not to see reunion with rose colored glasses.  I need to hear the struggle others go through so that I don't set the bar so high.

The hardest part right now for me is thinking about what he hears about me from those around him.  I have a certain amount of amnesia surrounding his birth and what his parents were given access to about me.  I know I wrote a letter to him, but I couldn't tell you what I wrote in it at this point and I'm sure I would be appalled by whatever I did write.  I'm not even sure if the agency has the letter or if it was given to his parents.  I also have a fog surrounding my meeting with his parents, I can not for the life of me remember what it was that we talked about.  I seem to remember spouting off some dribble about being good at math and liking puzzles (ugh).

I have been reading so much about how adolescence can be a hard time for adoptees and it makes me want to reach out all the more (although I can't and won't). I want so much to tell him how much he was wanted and not a mistake, and to tell him I am so sorry I gave him up. 

Ugh, I sound so selfish, talking about what I WANT, sometimes I hate the sound of my voice in my head.

vampporcupine
by Silver Member on Oct. 24, 2012 at 12:31 PM
1 mom liked this
It is not selfish to want and love your child. It is selfish for others to exploit you for their want of your child.
You sound like you have ptsd. I had no memory until two years post electronic reunion. Actually it was when my ex mother in law went to meet my daughter that my memories came flooding back. Be prepared that reunion can trigger your memories and it can be a devastating time. You need lots of support to get through it and I suggest that now is the time to prepare yourself. Most of us will go through the gut wrenching grief for the loss of our baby as we were not allowed to grieve when our baby was taken. Then we will grieve the loss of what should have been and the life together we've missed. Then grieving the loss of the person standing in front of us, our adult child.
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
onethentwins
by Gold Member on Oct. 24, 2012 at 2:03 PM
1 mom liked this

You've received some great advice from Vamp. I agree that there's nothing selfish at all about wanting a relationship and love of your own child. i also agree that it sounds like you have PTSD.

I'm certain that your son thinks and wonders about you. He might be angry at you for giving him away, he might be dying to meet you to tell you he loves you and thank you for his life, or anything in between. I'm afraid your going to have to wait 4 years or more to find out.

I reunited with my son just before his 18th birthday and we have been happily and lovingly reunited since. I think one of the things that helped was that I had been writing to him twice a year his whole life, so he was pretty sure I wasn't going to reject him if he reached out to me. 

So your adoption is closed by the adoptive parents. But, can you write to him either at his home or send letters to the agency to keep in his file? It could make him more likely to want to talk to you. I just suggest that you make sure you don't sound like a need ex-girlfriend and more like a fun person that he'd like to meet. 

One more thing. I think it is very important that the birth mother is the one to reach out and try to initiate the reunion. You were the one that left, You need to be the one that comes back. Some mothers think that they should let the adoptee come to them because they don't want to interfere with his life. I disagree, he doesn't have to agree to a reunion, but he shouldn't have to be the initiator either, sometimes that second rejection is just too much of a risk for him. Plus, he shouldn't have to "need" her for her to want him in her life.

leenburke
by Member on Oct. 24, 2012 at 2:04 PM

I agree that I have a smidge of PTSD and it my forever shame that I can not remember the exact date of my son's birth.  I know it was at the end of May but I truly can not remember which date it was 28th-31st...sickening.

I absolutely did not allow myself to grieve when it happened.  I think I broke down and sobbed once. And I'm paying for it now fo sho.  It may be a good thing though that all these feelings are surfacing now.  Maybe I can read up on issues and come to terms with them before the magic 18 comes around.

Thank you for your support, it truly is a voice in the dark.


leenburke
by Member on Oct. 24, 2012 at 2:09 PM

His mother told me that she doesn't want me in his life right now (2 years ago).  She said it nicer than that, but I got the point.  I don't feel like I want to reach out again to her or disturb him at this age.  The mother has my email addy so I suppose if he was really suffering through issues she could reach out to me.  I also don't really trust the agency to send along anything to them.

The needy ex-gfriend part made me lol.  I DO sound like that don't I?

Quoting onethentwins:

You've received some great advice from Vamp. I agree that there's nothing selfish at all about wanting a relationship and love of your own child. i also agree that it sounds like you have PTSD.

I'm certain that your son thinks and wonders about you. He might be angry at you for giving him away, he might be dying to meet you to tell you he loves you and thank you for his life, or anything in between. I'm afraid your going to have to wait 4 years or more to find out.

I reunited with my son just before his 18th birthday and we have been happily and lovingly reunited since. I think one of the things that helped was that I had been writing to him twice a year his whole life, so he was pretty sure I wasn't going to reject him if he reached out to me. 

So your adoption is closed by the adoptive parents. But, can you write to him either at his home or send letters to the agency to keep in his file? It could make him more likely to want to talk to you. I just suggest that you make sure you don't sound like a need ex-girlfriend and more like a fun person that he'd like to meet. 

One more thing. I think it is very important that the birth mother is the one to reach out and try to initiate the reunion. You were the one that left, You need to be the one that comes back. Some mothers think that they should let the adoptee come to them because they don't want to interfere with his life. I disagree, he doesn't have to agree to a reunion, but he shouldn't have to be the initiator either, sometimes that second rejection is just too much of a risk for him. Plus, he shouldn't have to "need" her for her to want him in her life.


onethentwins
by Gold Member on Oct. 24, 2012 at 2:14 PM

We all do. When I first reunited with my son it felt like I was dating the last man on Earth. I wouldn't have put up with the crap he gave me from any other man, I would have given him the shove and moved onto the next man, but he was the ONLY man.

Rather than asking the agency to pass on letters, you could ask them to keep them in his file in case he comes looking. Also, I think it would be very therapeutic for you to write them. For me, it kept me feeling connected.

Quoting leenburke:

His mother told me that she doesn't want me in his life right now (2 years ago).  She said it nicer than that, but I got the point.  I don't feel like I want to reach out again to her or disturb him at this age.  The mother has my email addy so I suppose if he was really suffering through issues she could reach out to me.  I also don't really trust the agency to send along anything to them.

The needy ex-gfriend part made me lol.  I DO sound like that don't I?

Quoting onethentwins:

You've received some great advice from Vamp. I agree that there's nothing selfish at all about wanting a relationship and love of your own child. i also agree that it sounds like you have PTSD.

I'm certain that your son thinks and wonders about you. He might be angry at you for giving him away, he might be dying to meet you to tell you he loves you and thank you for his life, or anything in between. I'm afraid your going to have to wait 4 years or more to find out.

I reunited with my son just before his 18th birthday and we have been happily and lovingly reunited since. I think one of the things that helped was that I had been writing to him twice a year his whole life, so he was pretty sure I wasn't going to reject him if he reached out to me. 

So your adoption is closed by the adoptive parents. But, can you write to him either at his home or send letters to the agency to keep in his file? It could make him more likely to want to talk to you. I just suggest that you make sure you don't sound like a need ex-girlfriend and more like a fun person that he'd like to meet. 

One more thing. I think it is very important that the birth mother is the one to reach out and try to initiate the reunion. You were the one that left, You need to be the one that comes back. Some mothers think that they should let the adoptee come to them because they don't want to interfere with his life. I disagree, he doesn't have to agree to a reunion, but he shouldn't have to be the initiator either, sometimes that second rejection is just too much of a risk for him. Plus, he shouldn't have to "need" her for her to want him in her life.



drfink
by Silver Member on Oct. 24, 2012 at 2:32 PM


Quoting onethentwins:

We all do. When I first reunited with my son it felt like I was dating the last man on Earth. I wouldn't have put up with the crap he gave me from any other man, I would have given him the shove and moved onto the next man, but he was the ONLY man.

Rather than asking the agency to pass on letters, you could ask them to keep them in his file in case he comes looking. Also, I think it would be very therapeutic for you to write them. For me, it kept me feeling connected.

Quoting leenburke:

His mother told me that she doesn't want me in his life right now (2 years ago).  She said it nicer than that, but I got the point.  I don't feel like I want to reach out again to her or disturb him at this age.  The mother has my email addy so I suppose if he was really suffering through issues she could reach out to me.  I also don't really trust the agency to send along anything to them.

The needy ex-gfriend part made me lol.  I DO sound like that don't I?

Quoting onethentwins:

You've received some great advice from Vamp. I agree that there's nothing selfish at all about wanting a relationship and love of your own child. i also agree that it sounds like you have PTSD.

I'm certain that your son thinks and wonders about you. He might be angry at you for giving him away, he might be dying to meet you to tell you he loves you and thank you for his life, or anything in between. I'm afraid your going to have to wait 4 years or more to find out.

I reunited with my son just before his 18th birthday and we have been happily and lovingly reunited since. I think one of the things that helped was that I had been writing to him twice a year his whole life, so he was pretty sure I wasn't going to reject him if he reached out to me. 

So your adoption is closed by the adoptive parents. But, can you write to him either at his home or send letters to the agency to keep in his file? It could make him more likely to want to talk to you. I just suggest that you make sure you don't sound like a need ex-girlfriend and more like a fun person that he'd like to meet. 

One more thing. I think it is very important that the birth mother is the one to reach out and try to initiate the reunion. You were the one that left, You need to be the one that comes back. Some mothers think that they should let the adoptee come to them because they don't want to interfere with his life. I disagree, he doesn't have to agree to a reunion, but he shouldn't have to be the initiator either, sometimes that second rejection is just too much of a risk for him. Plus, he shouldn't have to "need" her for her to want him in her life.



lol ...if it wouldn't be too weird I would blow up his pictures and hang them like posters and point them out to everyone that comes over.Instead I am being "mature " had my favorite printed on photo paper and will put it in a frame and add it to a collection of kid photos  on my dresser in my room.

OTT echos exactly what a therapist that works with adoptees told me.No matter why ,how or what an adoptee has been told ; wonderful or horrid stories there is always a feeling of rejection.Sometime very small sometime huge but it is there. We have to  look and not wait for them .We have to show we were looking and wanting them in our life.Of course waiting till he is the correct age to actually search is important.

The letters are a great idea.

2jeffsmom
by Bronze Member on Oct. 25, 2012 at 9:08 AM
1 mom liked this

Very good advice you've been given! I had PTSD too, but didn't know it until reunion with my son at his 32nd birthday. I was not prepared for what happened to me.

I hope you're son will be ready at 18, but it's hard to know. It's very hard to wait. I remember getting advice to try to stop obsessing about reunion and give more time of myself to the family I'm with. It was good advice, but difficult to do. The grieving was overwhelming. It's easier with time passed. Having the chance to vent with the wonderful support here has been the best therapy for me. I hope we can help you too.

Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

close Join now to connect to
other members!
Connect with Facebook or Sign Up Using Email

Already Joined? LOG IN