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she feels like its her fault

Posted by on Oct. 28, 2012 at 3:05 PM
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This is Sara, My dd, we have a open adoption, Ive posted in here a few times & love this group! And need more advice.

So our daughter has alot of medical issues, and we have been very open with her firstmommy! My problem, she blames herself, She parents 4 children all healthy, and feels like she couldve done something different & all would be fine. Reality is, nothing would change it, she is so wonderful & I know its natural, but how to comfort her? We talked on the phone a few wks ago and I could hear the distress, same as mine when I heard the news :(

Thank you for all the help!
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by on Oct. 28, 2012 at 3:05 PM
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Replies (1-10):
vampporcupine
by Silver Member on Oct. 28, 2012 at 3:58 PM
I think it is natural to wonder if there is something that a mother did to cause health issues in their child. I still go through a list of categorizing what I could have done differently for certain circumstances in one of my raised daughters. I carry a lot of guilt as I believe her issues are a direct result of the trauma I endured during surrender of her sister. Unfortunately, I figured this out too late and can't change what happened.
If this is not a hereditary problem, maybe you could email her some information in what is wrong to show her that it may just be something that has occurred by chance?
I hope your dd is going to be ok. She's beautiful.
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Vikki77
by Silver Member on Oct. 28, 2012 at 4:12 PM
I don't know how to comfort her besides being there for her like you already are. I agree that it's natural to feel this way. I feel guilty about my son having asthma, as it is a hereditary illness, but since I chose to have a child I took that chance. He is the only one of my four that has it, and I know it's not my fault, but I feel so bad when he has problems. I know I'm rambling, and maybe not making much sense. Just be there for her. She may always have guilt, even if there's nothing she could have done to change it. :)
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drfink
by Silver Member on Oct. 28, 2012 at 4:26 PM

Agree with the vamp and vikki.I have Lupus and one of my raised children seems to be showing the very beginning stage off  J.A. ...they are related.So far testing says no...keeping my fingers crossed ...but I feel guilty.

Showing her you don't blame her and keeping her in the loop is about all.

Best for your daughter and all of you take care !

AdoptingMommy
by Member on Oct. 28, 2012 at 4:39 PM
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Thank you for replying. Im so sorry for your loss, i know its difficult and wont pretend to understand.
The worse thing may be to send info, im sure she has googled it, and its very rare, not much info and TERRIFYING! its called ROHHAD syndrome( if you want to look it up)
We are scared and i know she is, but nothing she did effects it. She took depression meds and feels its the cause but it isnt. Im going to send her another picture book & update this wk


Quoting vampporcupine:

I think it is natural to wonder if there is something that a mother did to cause health issues in their child. I still go through a list of categorizing what I could have done differently for certain circumstances in one of my raised daughters. I carry a lot of guilt as I believe her issues are a direct result of the trauma I endured during surrender of her sister. Unfortunately, I figured this out too late and can't change what happened.

If this is not a hereditary problem, maybe you could email her some information in what is wrong to show her that it may just be something that has occurred by chance?

I hope your dd is going to be ok. She's beautiful.

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AdoptingMommy
by Member on Oct. 28, 2012 at 4:45 PM
We do keep them in the loop! Her whole family is great! And they are all close.

Prayers that your child doesnt have lupus, i know that is hard immune system diseases are very hard:( im sorry


Quoting drfink:

Agree with the vamp and vikki.I have Lupus and one of my raised children seems to be showing the very beginning stage off  J.A. ...they are related.So far testing says no...keeping my fingers crossed ...but I feel guilty.

Showing her you don't blame her and keeping her in the loop is about all.

Best for your daughter and all of you take care !


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Vikki77
by Silver Member on Oct. 29, 2012 at 3:41 AM
See where my rambling got me? Lol
I took a nap, so now I am more focused. :)

Your daughter is absolutely beautiful! I will be sending prayers to your family. And I will include birthmom that she may find some peace from the guilt. You are doing a great job. Just continue what you're doing. It's really the only thing you can do, I think. :) Hugs to you.
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Fields456
by Member on Oct. 29, 2012 at 3:43 AM
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I have no idea what to say except your daughter is a cutie.
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2jeffsmom
by Bronze Member on Oct. 29, 2012 at 8:38 AM

I'm afraid it's a natural reaction to blame herself. We all do that to ourselves as moms. I imagine you've blamed yourself for some things about her too. Just to know that everything is being done to help her would be what I think all of you need now. She's a little dollie!

AdoptingMommy
by Member on Oct. 29, 2012 at 9:26 AM
Your right, I blamed myself and my husband blamed me too! He thought her weight was me over feeding, After seeing that she hardly eats, never had fried foods and many drs to say it wasnt yhe case, he apologized (he didnt do it meanly just couldnt face something being wrong)
But her firstmom has been so helpful & amazing getting me all the family history, offering to do anything, its been hard but we try to all just do whats the best for Sara.


Quoting 2jeffsmom:

I'm afraid it's a natural reaction to blame herself. We all do that to ourselves as moms. I imagine you've blamed yourself for some things about her too. Just to know that everything is being done to help her would be what I think all of you need now. She's a little dollie!


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AdoptingMommy
by Member on Oct. 29, 2012 at 9:29 AM
thank you! she is!


Quoting Fields456:

I have no idea what to say except your daughter is a cutie.

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