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Feelings Hurt

Posted by on Nov. 8, 2012 at 10:12 AM
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My placed son is 21 years old now.  He is getting ready to move out of his parent's house and into an apartment with some buddies.  I was hoping that our reunion could move forward once he moved out.  As it stands right now, he and I chat via fb occasionally but he will wait weeks to respond to my messages IF he responds at all.  I currently haven't heard from him since June 29th of this year.  He talks a good game about how he wants to be a part of my life and wants to be a big brother to the son I am raising.  However, he has said multiple times that he is not ready to meet me or his brother.  I thought that he was moving so slowly because he still lived with his parents and felt conflicted about developing a relationship with me while still living with them.  Now, I'm not so sure his living arrangements have anything to do with it.  It may be more that he just doesn't care about having a relationship with me.  The other day he changed his profile picture on fb to a picture of him, his mom, and his dad.  He said, "These two drive me crazy sometimes, but I love them and wouldn't trade anything for them."  The bold part of the sentence is what stuck a knife right through my heart.  He knows how hard I fought to keep him.  He knows what I had to trade for his parents to get him.  To me, he is saying that he wouldn't trade the life he has had for the chance to be kept with me.  I voluntarily placed him for adoption at birth.  I was in high school with no money and no place to go if I kept him.  His bio father abandoned me and my parents abandoned me when they found out I was pregnant.  I tried desperately to figure out a way to keep him but there was just no way.  If I had somehow figured out a way to keep him, he and I would have had a rough life but we would have been together.  His parents both own their own businesses.  He has grown up with a mom and a dad and had every material thing he has ever asked for.  Don't get me wrong, I am happy about that.  He was loved and adored by his whole family and he was well taken care of, which is what I wanted for him.  However, it still hurts my feelings that he wouldn't trade all  that for me because I would trade anything and everything I have in this world back if it meant I could go back in time and keep him.

by on Nov. 8, 2012 at 10:12 AM
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Replies (1-10):
Vikki77
by Silver Member on Nov. 8, 2012 at 11:23 AM
I am so sorry. Hugs to you. I am going through something similar. I know how much it hurts.
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vampporcupine
by Silver Member on Nov. 8, 2012 at 7:02 PM
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Gwen, take a deep breath and think back to when you were 21. Did you want to spread your wings and shake off parental control? I bet you did. He is 21 and has two moms. Most young people try to get off the radar of mom and he has two to dodge as he tries to find his way in life. Try to relax and keep things lite. Adoptees tend to go silent as they process things. Send newsy emails that do not beg for a response once every one or two months. Learn to control your needs as being needy sends people the other way. I'm sorry you hurt and I understand why. Your son cannot repair you and it isn't his job to do so. This has been a long two years for me to learn.
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vampporcupine
by Silver Member on Nov. 8, 2012 at 7:34 PM
Oh...and yes, it sucks
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drfink
by Silver Member on Nov. 8, 2012 at 9:37 PM
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vamp said it great.

He also may feel that to get closer to you is betraying his parents.In reality it is not.Loving you or loving them doesn't have to exclude the others.He is so young and may not realize that yet.

Take care 

always walking on eggshell is hard as hell but sometimes it is what we have to do.

onethentwins
by Gold Member on Nov. 8, 2012 at 11:40 PM

While I'm reading your post I'm thinking about all the adoptees in my real life support group and what they would say to you. I think they would say that your son is struggling with loyalty feelings toward his adoptive parents. They might have also said that your son may be deliberately trying to tell you that he IS loyal to his adoptive parents and that you can never replace them. They might also say that it's possible he is deliberately trying to hurt you, because in his mind, you hurt him. He might want you to know how it feels to wait and wait for you, and you didn't show for years and years. He might feel that if you really loved him you'd have moved heaven and earth to keep him. On the other hand he might not be that interested in having you in his life.

My feeling is that he hasn't outright rejected you, that he does want a relationship with you, but that he's scared and confused and really does need more time. If I were you, I'd keep sending the odd "thinking of you" message.

I fully empathise with your feelings. I went through similar times when I believed my son didn't love me and didn't want me in his life and that it was all my fault. But, he did love me and he does want me in his life. Hang in there, I have a good feeling about your reunion.

2jeffsmom
by Bronze Member on Nov. 9, 2012 at 1:19 AM

I know to well about waiting.I have had 3 year episodes of waiting. I believe all the responders about expressing loyalty to his aparents. He's also very young. It's so painful and difficult to wait, but Im afraid it has to be part of reunion. I'm so sorry for your pain.

onethentwins
by Gold Member on Nov. 9, 2012 at 12:15 PM

Cassie posted this from an adoptee's blog, it also has some commentary from Claudia D'arcy. I thought it was perfect insight for you on what could be going on with your son and give you some advice on how to proceed.

http://realdaughter.wordpress.com/2012/11/08/how-does-a-first-parent-prevent-get-through-rejection/

DVT
by Bronze Member on Nov. 9, 2012 at 2:16 PM

I'm so sorry you're going through this now.  It's terrible to see those words in bold - you do feel like he doesn't want you in his life at all or it's known that  you're not his mom.  To hear that he wants to be a big brother to the son that your raising, but doesn't want to meet yet has got to be hardest yet, it's the pain you feel for the younger child.  I can sympathize with you in so many ways, I have trouble hearing from my son as well and when I do it's through text.  He's 24 and we've seen each other several times and have a relationship now.  I just miss talking to him in general even though I know he's trying to start his life as a young adult and find his way.  I can see the loyalty your son has to his aparents and only hope that one day he realizes he could have the best of both worlds with you in it as well.  Keep sending him thinking of you notes though and don't give up hope. 

Gwen72
by Member on Nov. 9, 2012 at 9:37 PM
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Thanks Guys!  I knew you all would understand how painful this is.  No one that I know in real life understands what I'm going through with this.  I am going to continue to send him a little note just letting him know I am thinking about him every so often and wait for him to come to me.  I hope he comes around some day.

snowwillow
by Member on Nov. 10, 2012 at 1:25 PM
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I really don't think he was trying to make you feel bad. He has history with his family and it was great that he loves his family, it doesn't mean he doesn't have some love for you.

Reunions are very fragile. When I found my daughter she made it very clear that she had a Mom but that we could be friends. That was ok, but even after 11 years of reunion it still bothers me when she says, "I'm going over to my moms" I know that she would not hurt me on purpose. You can't push them into a relationship. All you can do is love them and make sure they know you are there when they are ready.

I have a friendship with my daughter but I am not the one she calls Mom and I can live with that.

She was born in 1972 and I found her in 2001. I had a son in 1977 and raised him. I don't think he is trying to hurt you.

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