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Would you help your child have a relationship with their birth dad?

Posted by on Nov. 12, 2012 at 4:39 PM
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First of...sorry that I haven't been on here in a long while.  I have made amends with my mom who adopted my daughter at birth.  She let me raise her, then one day 4 years ago my mom took my daughter physically away from me.  Recently, we made amends.  I told her that I don't agree with what she did.  Her excuse was...I thought that was what was best for both of you at that time...regardless...that isn't why Im making this post.  After my mom took my daughter, my mom decided that it was time for my daughter to finally met her birth dad.  When my daughter was about 8 or 9 she met her birth dad.  They had a few visits and she hasn't seen or heard from him since.  She will be 11 in a few weeks... 

Last weekend, my mom told me that her birth dad has been trying to contact my daughter, but my daughter doesn't know it.  He wants my daughter to finally meet his family especially his parents.  My mom claims that my daughter has no interest in knowing him or having a relationship with him.  Due to my mom's track record of not telling the complete truth, I asked my daughter a few questions about her birth dad.  From what I could tell, she has no clue that he has been trying to contact her.  If she could have a relationship with him, then she would like to have a relationship with him...however, he let her down before and so she is scard to make it known that she wants a relationship with him.  She said it would be nice to have visits with him once in awhle.

So...my question is...should I step in and help her have a relationship with him or do I leave it up to my mom (her adopted mom) to make that decision? 

by on Nov. 12, 2012 at 4:39 PM
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onethentwins
by Gold Member on Nov. 12, 2012 at 4:50 PM
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Normally I would say 100% yes. But not if it could cause a rift in your newly amended relationship with your mother and cause her to block you again. In that case no, no way.

Vikki77
by Silver Member on Nov. 12, 2012 at 5:01 PM
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I agree with OTT. Don't risk your relationship on something you have no control over anyway. Glad you are able to be a part of her life again.
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adopteeme
by Bronze Member on Nov. 12, 2012 at 7:30 PM
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My feeling as an adoptee is - the clock is ticking. I missed meeting my grandparents, and I so regret that I didn't search sooner in my life.

I would agree reluctantly to keep the peace with your mother so she doesn't cut you and your dd off. 7 more years and your dd will have a say..

AdoptingMommy
by Member on Nov. 12, 2012 at 7:52 PM
Its tough, his parents may be different from him & i always say love is meant to multiply not divide:)
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vampporcupine
by Silver Member on Nov. 12, 2012 at 11:49 PM
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I also would say yes but not at the expense of your relationship with your daughter. Is it possible to have her father send cards and letters to her at your house for when she comes over?
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doodlebopfan
by Silver Member on Nov. 13, 2012 at 1:09 AM
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If I'm reading this right, your mom told you that birth dad is trying to contact her, but DD didn't know. I understand why you asked DD, but she also told you that she didn't know. So, if you help her now and he fails her in ANY way, it could come back to haunt you. I agree with the others as far as not wanting you to be cut off again after all this time. Your mom came to you with this and I don't think she would have in the past. Also, your mom may feel threatened by the other grandparents in some way. Whatever the reason your mom gives in not wanting to establish contact now, I'd just go with it for now. In order for your mom to support DD emotionally through that, she's (your mom) going to have to come to terms with BD and grandparents on her own first. You don't want DD caught in the middle of a triangle (your mom/dad/you). She will likely feel obligated to keep everyone happy and if they aren't she will feel that it's all her fault. Maybe you could help your mom through whatever feelings she is having and maybe encourage HER to talk to DD. That way you aren't jeopardizing your new relationship. I'm so glad that you and your mom have come this far. :)
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smileywoman
by New Member on Nov. 13, 2012 at 9:19 AM


Quote:

From what I could tell, she has no clue that he has been trying to contact her.  If she could have a relationship with him, then she would like to have a relationship with him...however, he let her down before and so she is scard to make it known that she wants a relationship with him.  She said it would be nice to have visits with him once in awhle.

Since your mom is the legal mom, it would probably be best if you told your mom EXACTLY what this lovely 11 year old little girl is feeling and thinking. THAT is what is important to focus on. It's too bad your mom has done/said some of the things that she has, but it should be made very clear to all that the birth father needs to EARN the right to have this little girl in his life.
onethentwins
by Gold Member on Nov. 13, 2012 at 12:10 PM


Quoting smileywoman:

 it should be made very clear to all that the birth father needs to EARN the right to have this little girl in his life.


I don't quite get this. This little girl has the right to have her father in her life without having to earn it, no? It's all about her after all. I think it needs to be made clear to him that once he is back in her life then he's not to mess her about and understand what harm he can do if he's not consistent.

irishgal63
by Member on Nov. 16, 2012 at 11:35 AM

      I  would  LOVE  for  my  son  to  know  his  birthdad  !   I  do  NOT  want  my  son  anywhere  near

      my  (bio)father(he's  a  very  mean, cruel  person  !  :-(

 

                                                                                                              Patrick's   birthmom,

                                                                                                                                Lori  Leary

Whitney_Lynn
by Member on Nov. 16, 2012 at 12:07 PM
My son was adopted by his birth fathers cousins. So it's a family adoption on his side. Our son turned 6 yesterday, and has far has I know or remember my ex (his dad) would rather pretend like it never happened and avoid the whole thing. Which pisses me off cause he gets to see ours on at their family gatherings every year and I am fighting each year just to see him on his birthday. It's been 2 years and 3 months since I saw I'm last. And even longer since I talked to his dad. But if there came that time, our son has that option to his dad open to him...
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