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Posted by on Dec. 20, 2012 at 3:56 PM
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I know there are lots of different stories and updates to follow but the gist of mine is that I was reunited via email and a couple of phone calls with my teenage daughter at her request nearly two years ago. I'm lucky that she does want a relationship with me (reiterated as of recently) and we recently found out she was applying to go to college where we are moving next summer!!!! Of course, I am ecstatic and my fears were quickly put to rest when she told us last week she would love to be around us and hang out if she is accepted. She also said she thought it wasn't just coincidence we might be in the same place which I am inclined to believe. What are the odds of us both ending up in the middle of nowhere at the same time? Crazy stuff! 

While everything seems good, I however also found out last week that her aparents didn't know yet that we were moving there! She called to ask us how we felt about being near her and I reassured her that we would be more than happy but that we could also keep our distances if that is what she and her parents would prefer. She seemed to seek reassurance we were cool with this potential new situation and she would be accepted. It warmed my heart that she reached out to me and she even said she felt really good and relieved knowing she could talk to me about this "and stuff like that". I suspect she is nervous about telling her parents and wanted to make sure she didn't p1ss everybody off on both ends before letting them know. 

We've been really good with respecting boundaries and haven't reached out to the aparents who never contacted me in nearly 2 years since this all started. I keep hearing how they do want a relationship but have yet to hear from them. I've tried and was wisely advised to let it go so I have as of a few months. 

I don't know when she planned on telling her parents we will be in the same state and city as she but I instantly had an internal panick attack I didn't let transpire when I learned they didn't know yet. Considering they haven't even responded to my many attempts to exchange some form of communication, I can only dread what this will do when they find out. 

To top it all off, I'm sending her a Christmas package and was wondering if I should send a little something to her parens as I always have or just forgo that idea as I may soon be (or already am) persona non grata

Thank you all! :) 

by on Dec. 20, 2012 at 3:56 PM
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Replies (1-9):
vampporcupine
by Silver Member on Dec. 20, 2012 at 5:08 PM
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Good to hear from you! I was actually wondering how things were going as you kinda dropped off the face of the earth. I have no advice on the gift giving, sorry. I am not acknowledged by my daughters adopters
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Fab74
by on Dec. 20, 2012 at 6:51 PM

Never, Vamp!  ;)  Between finals and my last pity party of one, I didn't find enough time to partake.

I truly don't get how our children's aparents can go about life pretending we aren't around. There truly are no words to describe such a behavior. I keep wondering what I did or said to deserve being dismissed so easily and coldly, although I suspect my just being alive must be their one true major annoyance/inconvenience, but I can't continue to be bothered about it, frankly. 

My concern re the gift to the aparents is more to let my daughter know I want nothing but peace. I usually am not one to bother with those who want nothing to do with me but, as you know too well, this is an entirely different situation for which I must make (more) sacrifices.

vampporcupine
by Silver Member on Dec. 20, 2012 at 8:13 PM
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I also think my daughter's adoptress was sorely disappointed that any of my suicide attempts didnt work out. I think that I'm a reminder of the fact that she could not bare her own child and also of the broken "open" adoption she promised. Oh, and I think my daughter may have asked about the gold family necklace I sent her which the adoptress disposed of.

Send them a card.
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Vikki77
by Silver Member on Dec. 20, 2012 at 9:41 PM
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I have no advice either sorry. :( But I do want to say I am glad your reunion seems to be going well and that you will soon be very close to your daughter. :)
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DVT
by Bronze Member on Dec. 22, 2012 at 8:35 AM
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I gave them the gifts the first year of reunion, after that - I sent xmas cards to them addressing to everyone inside the card not ____ and family either just individual first names.  I hope your daughter tells them soon about you living in the same city though - that has got to be rough not knowing what they're true reaction will be to it all.  You could always send a nice xmas card and then maybe after she hangs out with you more - send a small gift to them on the following xmas.  Otherwise, let them reach out to you more if they really want a relationship.  Good luck with everything!  Glad she's communicating again with you.

Cedartrees4
by Silver Member on Dec. 22, 2012 at 3:27 PM


Quoting Fab74:

To top it all off, I'm sending her a Christmas package and was wondering if I should send a little something to her parens as I always have or just forgo that idea as I may soon be (or already am) persona non grata


Big alarm bells here.  If you are already persona non grata with them, then sending them presents is not going to make this any better.  UNLESS your daughter specifically wants you to send them something in order to help her relationship with them somehow.  

 But adoptees are in an awkward position, between two families, and often the best solution for them is to be in control of all communication/contact between the two families.  A way to look at it is that reunion is between you and your daughter, not between you and the adoptive parents, not unless she has given explicit permission for it to be, and feels very comfortable with this.  

There is no reason to feel alarmed that they do not know about your move.  Many adoptees choose NOT to tell their adoptive parents even about the reunion, especially in situations where they have experienced emotional blackmail/abuse in the past. They want a chance to develop a relationship with their natural families without backlash from others who might feel irrationally insecure/jealous/threatened/possessive. I had to leave the decision of contact and communication between me and the adopters to the decision of my son, especially after the first few months of trying hard to extend a hand of friendship to the adoptive parents and getting politely told by them to basically "F-off."   His decision was NO contact -- no cards, presents, or anything  from me to the a-parents or vice-versa -- and it was the right decision.  Keeping both families separate was the most healthy thing for him, so he could have separate relationships with both and not worry about one interacting with the other and potentially thus affecting their relationship with him.  Your daughter may want this as well --maybe ask her?

But, no, unless they reach out to you -- why reach out to them?  What do you want to accomplish by this?

onethentwins
by Gold Member on Dec. 22, 2012 at 3:32 PM


Quoting vampporcupine:

I also think my daughter's adoptress was sorely disappointed that any of my suicide attempts didnt work out. I think that I'm a reminder of the fact that she could not bare her own child and also of the broken "open" adoption she promised. Oh, and I think my daughter may have asked about the gold family necklace I sent her which the adoptress disposed of.

Send them a card.


I didn't know she had disposed of it. How hateful.

vampporcupine
by Silver Member on Dec. 22, 2012 at 8:24 PM
Well, she has amnesia about what I am referring to. Hmm, imagine that.

Quoting onethentwins:



Quoting vampporcupine:

I also think my daughter's adoptress was sorely disappointed that any of my suicide attempts didnt work out. I think that I'm a reminder of the fact that she could not bare her own child and also of the broken "open" adoption she promised. Oh, and I think my daughter may have asked about the gold family necklace I sent her which the adoptress disposed of.

Send them a card.


I didn't know she had disposed of it. How hateful.

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Fab74
by on Dec. 24, 2012 at 4:15 PM

I hear you Cedartree! I wish I could be as ungrateful and lacking emotions as they do but alas, it just isn't me. I ended up sending a small box of chocolates for them all along with a gift to my daughter. I'm not sorry I did nor do I expect to hear from them.

I agree with you that the reunion is between she and I but I won't ignore them in front of her. Unlike them, I can't pretend they're not part of her life so I'll continue to be the person I am but keeping a safe distance for my own sake and my family's. This is really more for her than for them anyway. This was always about her, not them or I.

Thank you all for you advice and kind words. I wish you all a happy holidays and may the new year be your very best yet.  :) 


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