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Nervous

Posted by on Jan. 4, 2013 at 12:07 PM
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I been nervous since I seen my son Dec 22nd. The adoptive parents told me to stay in touch with them and not to be shy to call them sometimes. But I have nerve problems ( had anxiety since age 13) and I get so scared to call because what if that was just a nice gesture and they actually don't want me to stay in touch. All these doubts are getting to me . I did leave the adoptive father facebook messages but he doesn't check his facebook often. And the adoptive mom doesn't have a facebook or email. I am such so nervous that they would get scared if I tried to contact them and pull away. I haven't even shared the pic of my son to family members that are out of state that are only on facebook and they also have no emails. I don't want to scare them basically. I am in a weird phase I guess you can say this is something I never felt and I hate tiptoeing around people but I am too scared that they wouldn't want me to see my son. Sorry for rambling and not making that much sense but I have no clue where I should go from here. My family wants to meet him as well and I told them what the adoptive mom said about especially seeing my son on holidays and birthdays. But my younger sister piped in she said " that is crazy you should get to see your son more than once in a blue moon". She has no kids so she doesn't understand anything lol. Yes I would want to be in my son's life more but he is 12 its up to his Adoptive parents not me.

by on Jan. 4, 2013 at 12:07 PM
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Replies (1-3):
onethentwins
by Gold Member on Jan. 4, 2013 at 1:32 PM

You're smart to be concerned about overstepping and them pulling away. However, you also need to be careful that you don't give his aparents the impression that you're not interested. I've heard aparents say things like "I closed the adoption because "she" didn't seem bothered and I felt like I was doing all the work" or "I closed it because she didn't bother calling and I wanted to protect him from thinking she didn't care". It's a tightrope and it sucks I know.

Is it the actual phone call that give you anxiety because you might clam up or don't know what to say? If so what about snail mail? There's nothing like a tangible letter or cute card that can be kept and read over and over. That way you can plan what you're going to say. 

If it's just that you're afraid they were just making a gesture, then I say go for it. Write down a couple of things you can talk about ahead of time and go ahead and call. 

on phone

CrystalDawn2506
by Member on Jan. 4, 2013 at 2:06 PM

No calling anyone in general makes me have tons of anxiety usually I get my dad to call businesses or my DR lol. I have been this way since a teenager. I sent a FB message to the adad he added me recently. I just feel nervous about trying to contact to soon or overstepping boundaries. Also I just don't know what to talk about either because when I do get on the phone I stay silent and studder when I talk and I do not studder normally only when I am nervous. 

Quoting onethentwins:

You're smart to be concerned about overstepping and them pulling away. However, you also need to be careful that you don't give his aparents the impression that you're not interested. I've heard aparents say things like "I closed the adoption because "she" didn't seem bothered and I felt like I was doing all the work" or "I closed it because she didn't bother calling and I wanted to protect him from thinking she didn't care". It's a tightrope and it sucks I know.

Is it the actual phone call that give you anxiety because you might clam up or don't know what to say? If so what about snail mail? There's nothing like a tangible letter or cute card that can be kept and read over and over. That way you can plan what you're going to say. 

If it's just that you're afraid they were just making a gesture, then I say go for it. Write down a couple of things you can talk about ahead of time and go ahead and call. 

on phone


Cedartrees4
by Silver Member on Jan. 4, 2013 at 4:35 PM
2 moms liked this

One thing that really helps about boundaries is talking about them.  I know what it's like to have what's sometimes called a  "phone phobia" -- I have it all the time.  I find that emails and (best yet!) in-person conversations really are much less anxiety-producing.   I have no idea why I hate telephones, but I have other friends who have told me they have the same thing, so it's not unique (in fact, there's now a wikipedia article on it - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Telephone_phobia).  

Do the a-pars know yet that you are not comfortable using phones?  I have two suggestions:  First I'd suggest actually telling the a-father privately on FB about having a problem with phones.  Secondly, ask him if, instead, you can get together with them sometime for coffee so you can discuss "boundaries" and expectations, and you can tell them you are scared of crossing their boundaries.  This is something that is very important to talk about.  Relationships are built on trust, and trust is built on communication.  And "walking on eggshells" never did anyone any good -- hugely anxiety producing.

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