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Dead end road

Posted by on Jan. 13, 2013 at 5:37 AM
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I feel like I am at a Dead end road right now. I can't move forward , can't turn around and go back either. Just stuck with no where to go. The A-parents are not responding to e-mails I just been giving updates on us in hopes they will fill in my son. But still no response's. I am going to keep updating them on us send pictures etc. And try not to take it to heart about them not responding. They might be reading them or deleting them. I will never know but I am still grieving and see no way of getting peace with this rejection from the A-parents. I hope my son will wants to see us again and actually be able to be in our lives someday. Other than this rejection from the A-parents and them pulling my son away all of a sudden I hurt for my DD she is still asking about when she can see her brother. All I can say is I don't know maybe someday. She is 6 and doesn't understand why she can't see him and when the date went by when the A-parents said we would meet up again before they didn't want my son to see us DD said mommy you forgot. I cried like a baby I try to tell her in ways she could understand but she still can't either. Its just a shock for us all. I always will be hurt by my son's A-parents for putting my children through this. Forget me they hurt my kids and that was uncalled for in my book. As you can see the anger is starting to show up here and there. And I am sorry if anyone gets offended or thinks that I am in the wrong for feeling this way right now. 

by on Jan. 13, 2013 at 5:37 AM
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Replies (1-10):
CrystalDawn2506
by Member on Jan. 13, 2013 at 5:44 AM

I never contacted them ....they contacted me. I never pushed anything was respectful of them and their feelings. But they did not consider that for my family either. Yes it hurts me but I feel sick that they could hurt my 6 yr old daughter in this manner. Also I know this has to be effecting my son in some way he is 12 and as they said in their own words he understands things better than anyone thinks he does. I would just like an explanation from them so maybe just maybe I can have some type of peace with this and that my family can too.

2jeffsmom
by Bronze Member on Jan. 13, 2013 at 11:26 AM

I hope you can get answers, and I too wish peace for you.

kclarsh
by Bronze Member on Jan. 14, 2013 at 1:44 PM
You are not alone. Please keep coming and letting it out. I pray for peace and that things will work out. I am in the same boat and been through it for the last 5 or so years.
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CrystalDawn2506
by Member on Jan. 14, 2013 at 4:36 PM

Thanks everyone for reading my vents even though they are harsh and everywhere right now. Its hard to put feelings into words or explain complicated issues in words. The Adoptive parents has now started slowly trying to communicate but not like it was at first. And this was for their sake and not my son's my son still asks them about me and his sister daily. I asked them if he was showing signs of anxiety , regressing, asking questions to spend time alone with me and his sister they said no nothing like that they said they were worried about what I have no clue.I think they want a semi open adoption communication right now ( been doing research & is fine with me). But don't drop off the face of the earth again without explaining why .Officially this was/is a closed adoption but the Adoptive parents contacted me before my son turned 18 ( when the records are not sealed any longer and he could request his file).I am still not sure what their motive is or their reasoning with contacting me and letting us see him one time because if they weren't ready or if they felt my son wasn't ready they should have held off until he was 18. Yes I got very excited to see him this early on because I was told that he would be able to contact me when he was an adult. I have always let my DD know she had a brother so that later on when he did contact me she wouldn't be confused/mad/or upset because she will be 12 when my son is 18. Its just a big ol' mess and I think the adoptive parents should have planned this better or just waited. 

DVT
by Bronze Member on Jan. 14, 2013 at 5:35 PM

I'm sorry to hear that they put your whole family through this especially the kids.  You may want to make copies somehow of the updates from you so that when he is 18 he will see that you did try.  Unfortunately, unless the aparents change their mind and start updates again you will have no clue.  They should've waited until he was 18 if they were going to do this now to both of you.  HUGS

Vikki77
by Silver Member on Jan. 14, 2013 at 6:30 PM
My oldest sons amom did the exact same thing. We went through it for 3 years and are now going through it again and he lives with his girlfriend and her parents. Now they have full legal guardianship and they "know" it's better that he don't see me. Hugs. I know exactly how you feel.
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doodlebopfan
by Silver Member on Jan. 15, 2013 at 10:57 PM
2 moms liked this

 First, I'm so sorry that this is happening. You didn't ask for this and here it is. I'm going to play devil's advocate, though, thinking from the other side of this, and say that they thought you were the answer to whatever issues he might have been having, and that you could bring healing to him so that he could go on being their son. When I say, their son, I mean the one that they bounced on their knee, the one that they sent to Kindergarten and smiled at him heading to class and left in tears because he was growing up so fast, the one they taught right from wrong and how to be a good student. Then puberty hits and things start to derail. "There's a void? Birth mom? Let's find her and let's fill it and he'll be better." Only meeting you, Crystal, didn't fill a void, but likely opened a chasm of loss that they and he are unprepared to deal with. It could have been too much too soon. Now they are likely trying to help a boy who is having more issues (not your fault) since he's met you and his sibling. They could be afraid of losing him to you, losing that son I mentioned above. I know it's so hard, but maybe this is only the beginning of a temporarily delayed future reunion. As far as what to tell your DD, just be honest (like you are) and say that you don't know, but you sure do miss him, too. When she's sad, maybe she can draw a picture for him or write him a letter and you can save it in a "One Day" box. And you will see him again, one day. So sorry for your hurt feelings. :(

Vikki77
by Silver Member on Jan. 15, 2013 at 11:47 PM
I love this response doodle! Not that it's happening, but maybe as close to the truth as we can get. Thank you!

Quoting doodlebopfan:

 First, I'm so sorry that this is happening. You didn't ask for this and here it is. I'm going to play devil's advocate, though, thinking from the other side of this, and say that they thought you were the answer to whatever issues he might have been having, and that you could bring healing to him so that he could go on being their son. When I say, their son, I mean the one that they bounced on their knee, the one that they sent to Kindergarten and smiled at him heading to class and left in tears because he was growing up so fast, the one they taught right from wrong and how to be a good student. Then puberty hits and things start to derail. "There's a void? Birth mom? Let's find her and let's fill it and he'll be better." Only meeting you, Crystal, didn't fill a void, but likely opened a chasm of loss that they and he are unprepared to deal with. It could have been too much too soon. Now they are likely trying to help a boy who is having more issues (not your fault) since he's met you and his sibling. They could be afraid of losing him to you, losing that son I mentioned above. I know it's so hard, but maybe this is only the beginning of a temporarily delayed future reunion. As far as what to tell your DD, just be honest (like you are) and say that you don't know, but you sure do miss him, too. When she's sad, maybe she can draw a picture for him or write him a letter and you can save it in a "One Day" box. And you will see him again, one day. So sorry for your hurt feelings. :(

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onethentwins
by Gold Member on Jan. 16, 2013 at 12:19 AM

Brilliant reply. I thing doodle has great insight into this. Many people think that the birth mother is the cure for what ails an adoptee, but the truth is, only an adoptee can do the work that it takes to heal themselves.

Quoting doodlebopfan:

 First, I'm so sorry that this is happening. You didn't ask for this and here it is. I'm going to play devil's advocate, though, thinking from the other side of this, and say that they thought you were the answer to whatever issues he might have been having, and that you could bring healing to him so that he could go on being their son. When I say, their son, I mean the one that they bounced on their knee, the one that they sent to Kindergarten and smiled at him heading to class and left in tears because he was growing up so fast, the one they taught right from wrong and how to be a good student. Then puberty hits and things start to derail. "There's a void? Birth mom? Let's find her and let's fill it and he'll be better." Only meeting you, Crystal, didn't fill a void, but likely opened a chasm of loss that they and he are unprepared to deal with. It could have been too much too soon. Now they are likely trying to help a boy who is having more issues (not your fault) since he's met you and his sibling. They could be afraid of losing him to you, losing that son I mentioned above. I know it's so hard, but maybe this is only the beginning of a temporarily delayed future reunion. As far as what to tell your DD, just be honest (like you are) and say that you don't know, but you sure do miss him, too. When she's sad, maybe she can draw a picture for him or write him a letter and you can save it in a "One Day" box. And you will see him again, one day. So sorry for your hurt feelings. :(


CrystalDawn2506
by Member on Jan. 16, 2013 at 5:10 AM

Thanks everyone. And I do know that he is their son and I know I will never have all the answers for them because probably what they ask later is what they don't want to hear. I only say my son because I haven't said that period in 12 years. I still will have rough times , nightmares, and feel angry sometimes. But as my counselor and I figured out I never grieved over him till now. Many doesn't understand it why am I having all these emotions etc. But to me it honestly feels like I am grieving over someone who died. Seems crazy but its true. Its a loss of hope, loss of a future of knowing him, and a even bigger piece of my heart got ripped back out. I am doing what I can to overcome this and go on for my DD because my world can't stop like it did when I gave up my son. My DD needs me to be present and healthy. I am truly blessed that I have her in my life and got to raise her but also each milestone she has I try to picture how her brother was at that age etc. I will always wonder about him and love him no matter what anyone else wants me to do/feel. I honestly do not understand those who thinks I should forget him to file my emotions away again. I can't do that again ever again. I just wished the adoptive parents would have either planned this better or waited. 

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