Today is my oldest bday.At 12:00 A.M. I FB messaged AND emailed him birthday wishes and told him the eta of his present we sent. I got a text thanking me and chatting a little this morning .It was great to send this ,buy him bday presents and get his text ,then I cried and cried.
I really wanted to go see him ,he is only 4 hrs away or a short plane hop away but I'm afraid it would be very awkward.His adoptive parents are taking him to his favorite nice restaurant.His dad seems pretty easy going but his mom is hot and cold .
The other day a new long comment showed up on his notes page where he wrote the story of us meeting.This guy is adopted also and he took the opposite viewpoint on everything that my oldest wrote.My oldest semi jokes that because he has the same first name of one of his younger siblings,my 16 y.o has gone by his middle name since he was born, the other male name his parents considered is the name of a different younger brother and his adoptive and birth moms have the same first name this reunion was meant to be from the beginning.This guy also disputes feeling happy about having siblings ,reminds my oldest that all people of European descent are 8th cousins so being related to me is trivial genetics.Point by point trashes everything my oldest wrote...it is longer than my oldest note.
My poor 28 y.o. happens to call as I finish reading .I am terrified it will make my oldest re think things.Then I print it cause I'm on my way to an appt. with my shrink.He tells me that adopted or not the guy is a jerk.Anyone that purposefully rains on someones parade like that is a jerk.I just worry it will break.I can rationally see it is going well.My 28 y.o. went to a bowl game near him and the next day they hung out all day.This Sat my daughter will be in his city watching her bfriend play a game and my oldest is going to the game with her and to eat.These are very good but I am still terrified.
I don't mean to sound ungrateful for this great gift I have gotten but one moment I am walking on air then want to crawl under my bed and cry.It is almost like the strongest loss feelings are back.The afternoon we were leaving I went to the restroom because I thought I was having a heart attack,knew it was the beginning of a panic attack.Took a med my shrink insisted I take with me.When I had my next appt . my shrink said it was because I was getting ready to say goodbye.Not forever this time but still goodbye.
Today is just an all over the place day for me.