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"A Bit of Peace"

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Dear Sister,

I don’t know your name, where you live or even what you look like. I don’t know what your voice sounds like or how tall you are and I don’t know what your favorite food is. You and I are, however, as intimately connected as any two women can be. I don’t know those things about you, but I do know that our son has your infectious laugh and killer smile. I suspect he inherited his adorable cheeks from you, too. Maybe his incredible sense of curiosity came from you, and his bravery from his other father. His spark of intelligence and stubborn streak, although mirrored perfectly in both his Daddy AND me, came from you too.

I’ve been thinking about you a lot this week as my precious boy approaches his second birthday, especially since it’s quite possible that in truth that milestone has already passed. The orphanage assigned his birthday as the 26th, but only you know the exact minute that this little miracle came into the world. I know there is so much you want to know about your baby, and I would give everything to be able to tell you all about what a special boy he is. I know your heart is breaking right now on these days surrounding the memories you have of his birth and your decision to give him a chance at something different. My heart is breaking because he will never get a chance to know who he got his “lucky earlobes” from, or who the first person to cuddle and soothe him was.

If I could talk to you, I would tell you that he always chooses the orange circle first when sorting shapes, and he leaves the red heart for last, that he can’t make it through a meal without at least three kisses on the head, that he can’t get enough tomatoes or guacamole but doesn’t like spinach, that he’s learning to count on his fingers, that he loves his dog, he’s learning to sing, he’s ticklish behind his knees, that he’s already worn out one copy of “Goodnight Moon” because we read it every night, and his favorite place on earth is a toss-up between the beach and Mommy and Daddy’s great big bed. He is loved with not only your whole heart, but mine as well.

 
I would try to tell you, too, how incredibly grateful I am for the chance to be this amazing child’s mother, and how unbelievably humbled I am to have received the gifts of not only your son, but of this capacity for love that I never knew I had. There are no words for that kind of gratitude, though, and it sounds hollow to me even as I write it. My gratitude is a tangible, breathing thing.

I can almost see it shining in waves every time I look at our son. I desperately want you to know that he is safe and healthy and happy. It is not the life you hoped for or imagined for him (of that I’m certain), but my promise to you is that I am doing the very best I can to give him the best opportunities for happiness and success. I promise, too, to honor your memory every chance I get. One day in the not-too-distant future he’ll ask about you, and while I won’t be able to tell him anything of significance, I do know that there’s not a day that goes by that you don’t think about him.

You and I will always be connected: the mother that carried him and gave him life and loves him from so far away, and the mother that has been blessed with the unimaginable gift of being called “Mommy” and being here to kiss the boo-boos and chase away the bad dreams. You are my sister, and although I will never meet you, I have more love for you than you will ever know.

On Saturday when we light the candles on his cake, we’ll light one for you, too, sending up a prayer as we blow it out and send the smoke sailing across the seas. I hope with everything in me that you hear it when the wind whispers past bringing my good wishes and a gratitude so huge that I feel like I could collapse under the weight of the joy it brings. I hope the wind carries away some of your grief and leaves you with a bit of peace.

by on Jan. 22, 2013 at 11:37 AM
Replies (21-30):
Cedartrees4
by Silver Member on Jan. 22, 2013 at 5:03 PM

Kitkat, I'm glad you're here and asking these questions and telling of your experience.  I'm sorry about sounding harsh to begin with.  I understand now where you're coming from, that this is new to you.

Sometimes when we're inside a place, it's hard to see the context until we've seen a view from the outside.  You might find this article interesting, from an adoption worker with a state gov't in Australia, who compares the 2 countries:

http://www.ccnm-mothers.ca/English/articles/APolicyandPractice.htm

And sometimes it's good to look at historical practice too - like the pre-BSE articles which advised workers to give mothers months post-birth to make a decision re adoption, to not pressure her, to give her lots of time with her baby and instruction in parenting, to provide a home for her and her baby together or substitute care for her baby while she decided.  :)   Things changed dramatically in the 1950s. :(

If the demand for adoptable babies continues to exceed the supply then it is quite possible that, in the near future, unwed mothers will be ‘punished’ by having their children taken from them right after birth. A policy like this would not be executed — nor labeled explicitly — as ‘punishment.’ Rather, it would be implemented through such pressures and labels as ‘scientific findings,’ ‘the best interests of the child,’ ‘rehabilitation of the unwed mother,’ and ‘the stability of the family and society.’” Unmarried Mothers, by Clark Vincent (1961)

And now, pre-birth matching has replaced hospital staff whisking the baby away from the mother when the cord is cut.  :(  

The problem is, Kitkat, that if coercion were not involved, mothers would not be experiencing symptoms of PTSD even in open adoptions.  :(  The trauma was there because it was not  "voluntary" -- she really didn't want to go through with it, especially once her baby was in her arms or when she had overcome the hormonal storm of childbirth and began to feel the loss.    :( 

Ms.KitKat
by Bronze Member on Jan. 22, 2013 at 6:45 PM

 

Quoting Cedartrees4:

Kitkat, I'm glad you're here and asking these questions and telling of your experience.  I'm sorry about sounding harsh to begin with.  I understand now where you're coming from, that this is new to you.

Sometimes when we're inside a place, it's hard to see the context until we've seen a view from the outside.  You might find this article interesting, from an adoption worker with a state gov't in Australia, who compares the 2 countries:

http://www.ccnm-mothers.ca/English/articles/APolicyandPractice.htm

And sometimes it's good to look at historical practice too - like the pre-BSE articles which advised workers to give mothers months post-birth to make a decision re adoption, to not pressure her, to give her lots of time with her baby and instruction in parenting, to provide a home for her and her baby together or substitute care for her baby while she decided.  :)   Things changed dramatically in the 1950s. :(

If the demand for adoptable babies continues to exceed the supply then it is quite possible that, in the near future, unwed mothers will be ‘punished’ by having their children taken from them right after birth. A policy like this would not be executed — nor labeled explicitly — as ‘punishment.’ Rather, it would be implemented through such pressures and labels as ‘scientific findings,’ ‘the best interests of the child,’ ‘rehabilitation of the unwed mother,’ and ‘the stability of the family and society.’” Unmarried Mothers, by Clark Vincent (1961)

And now, pre-birth matching has replaced hospital staff whisking the baby away from the mother when the cord is cut.  :(  

The problem is, Kitkat, that if coercion were not involved, mothers would not be experiencing symptoms of PTSD even in open adoptions.  :(  The trauma was there because it was not  "voluntary" -- she really didn't want to go through with it, especially once her baby was in her arms or when she had overcome the hormonal storm of childbirth and began to feel the loss.    :( 

 What then to do with parents who come to my office saying they want to place their baby for adoption? These woman, many of them, are very smart and have educated themselves already. Mine is oftentimes not the first adoption agency they have spoken to. They have called those 1-800 baby lines and talked with the big agencies with 1-800 numbers. They tell me they want to see profiles of PAP. They tell me they want to meet the PAP. They tell me they want open adoption. They already tell me what they want and how they want it.

I then try and slow them down. I tell them about their rights before they decide to place and the fact they will have none after. I tell them that no open adoption arrangement is enforceable by law and it is an agreement made in good faith only.  I ask them over aND OVER AND OVER AGAIN to consider parenting themselves or placing their baby with a family member or a close friend until they feel better able to parent themselves. I explain how adoption is not temporary but that their current situation is and if they sign and once they sign, adoption is permenant and they lose all rights.

What then am I supposed to do when they sign anyway and they feel loss and depression and grief and regret and guilt. They feel they were coerced and forced and defrauded?

What do I do?

What do you wish your (general your) social worker could have said to you to decide to parent rather than to place. What do you (general) wish you could have/should have asked of your social worker so that your decision would have been parent and not adoption?

PortAngeles1969
by Group Admin on Jan. 22, 2013 at 7:11 PM
1 mom liked this

" I ask them over aND OVER AND OVER AGAIN to consider parenting themselves or placing their baby with a family member or a close friend until they feel better able to parent themselves. I explain how adoption is not temporary but that their current situation is and if they sign and once they sign, adoption is permenant and they lose all rights.

What then am I supposed to do when they sign anyway and they feel loss and depression and grief and regret and guilt. They feel they were coerced and forced and defrauded?

What do I do?

What do you wish your (general your) social worker could have said to you to decide to parent rather than to place. What do you (general) wish you could have/should have asked of your social worker so that your decision would have been parent and not adoption?"


Sigh......I know! I was one of those smart, bright, insistent soon-to-be birth moms and maybe it will comfort you somewhat to know that NOTHING anyone could have said or done short of hitting me over the head (which believe me I wish had happened) would have disuaded me from the path I was on.

But like Cedar has pointed out - this "decision" is almost ALWAYS coming from a place no woman ever wanted to find herself in which means that insistence doesn't alway equate to well thought out process.

In my case my being an adoptee with a positive view of adoption weighed heavily into my "thought process". If I had a good experience, so would my child. If I didn't feel negatively towards my first mom, neither would my child.  Of course, in hindsight and now that I've spent years delving into what elements were behind my choice I see that I also was thumbing my nose at my first mom in a way. "Oh yeah, see I can do the same thing as you.".

When I look back at myself I see a young frightened girl who wanted it all to go away and couldn't take it back. I see a girl who allowed herself to fall into a pregnancy maybe to try to feel what her own first mother experienced. I see a girl who couldn't have known based on what society put forward first (ready and willing PAPS) as a solution.

In fact, I could have parented my child. But decisions made in crisis are seldom well thought out. In fact, less than 2 years later I found myself pregnant with just about the same amount of resources and parented quite well. In fact, just 5 years after my daughter's adoption the pros I wrote down about all the things my daughters PAPs could offer that I couldn't were things that I possessed. In fact, when I reunited with my daughter at age 7 what I had to materially offer my daughter would have been selected as a more desirable home.

I had a wonderful woman who worked with me from the adoption agency. It was not her fault that the prevailing practice of the time (during the early 90's) didn't include access to the experiences of birth parents - especially those who have had time to reflect and live with the loss.

What would have made a difference (I hope - but I was horribly set in my decision) would have been hearing from women who had lost their children.

I don't blame anyone but myself - I didn't give myself (and my daughter) a chance. I am fortunate that she has accepted my mistake - I would never ask her to forgive me for I don't believe it is forgiveable. We have, however found a way to be in each other's lives and to love each other for what we have and who we are.

Be gentle with yourself as you discover what people realize after losing their children. Please be gentle with yourself! You could end up being such a powerful ally for first parents and adopted children - to have an ally from within the system speak with us is not as easily dismissed.

Be gentle with yourself!

Cedartrees4
by Silver Member on Jan. 22, 2013 at 7:22 PM


"What do I do?"

This is where counseling comes in -- exploring why they feel that there is an urgency to surrender?  what is motivating them?  what vision of adoption are they coming to you already having?  what have they been told already?   what has lead these parents to believe it has to be done "at birth"?  what gave them this impression?  what benefits are they assuming exist for "at-birth surrender" or a pre-birth "decision"?   what have they been told or have been led to believe? and what were they led to believe would be the emotional consequences?  were they told they would feel "a sense of peace, pride, and satisfaction"?  or were they told about the risk of chronic grief, depression, future relationship and parenting problems, and PTSD?

"They feel they were coerced and forced and defrauded? "

But ... you said that only recently did you learn about coercion existing.   Which is it?    That only recently you learned about it, or that it is a common theme for your clients?

" I tell them about their rights before they decide to place and the fact they will have none after. I tell them that no open adoption arrangement is enforceable by law and it is an agreement made in good faith only.  I ask them over aND OVER AND OVER AGAIN to consider parenting themselves or placing their baby with a family member or a close friend until they feel better able to parent themselves. I explain how adoption is not temporary but that their current situation is and if they sign and once they sign, adoption is permenant and they lose all rights. "


Kitkat, this sounds to me like the advice that many natural mothers give in their blogs to expectant mothers considering adoption, the type of counseling they wish they had been given but were not.  No agency that I know of covers these issues with their clients.   Please forgive my doubts, but are you certain you are "for real"?

bellacocco
by Member on Jan. 22, 2013 at 7:30 PM
1 mom liked this

Ms. KitKat,

I can truly see where you are genuinely seeking some answers and I have to tell you, your strength in coming here and asking is tremendous and says a lot about the kind of caring person you are.  

I haven't commented in this group for years, but I couldn't bypass your post.  And first I have to agree with Port, be gentle with yourself.  And second, please know, my response is not against you but instead a generalization about the accepted practice for helping and protecting pregnant mothers facing unplanned pregnancies.

Giving away a child is not a normal thing for a mother to do.  More often than not, it is a reaction to a crisis situation and, usually, it is not the pregnancy that is the crisis but the situation the mother is in when she finds herself pregnant.  So, when a pregnant woman came to you, did your agency have any guidelines to follow to help identify the crisis she was facing?  Was there anything in place that first helped her identify whatever it was leaving her feel as if her only choice was to give up her baby and help her find solutions before encouraging her to give her baby up?  Was it every suggested that she receive unbiased counseling from a licensed therapist who specializes in working with those facing a crisis situation?

Were you, as the one counseling these women, provided by your agency information to share with the mothers about the risk of them experiencing depression and PTSD, and sometimes even suicide from the loss of their child.   Was it part of the practice for counselors to let pregnant mothers know about abandonment issues adoptees can face.  About the fact that their birth certificate will be falsified and they will have their equal rights denied them in many states for no other reason than they are adopted?

And was there any warning for these mothers about the fact that pre-bith matching, in and of itself, can be very coercive and manipulative and that there are mothers who feel forced to give their babies up because of the hopeful adoptive parents feelings, even if they decide they want to keep their child?

It is obvious that you truly were trying to help these women and did not intentionally try to coerce them into giving their babies up.  But the unfortunate truth for our society, is that the accepted practice is one that is coercive and manipulative in many ways while offering no protection for vulnerable pregnant mothers who are reacting out of fear and desperation and aren't given the help and empowerment to become the best mothers possible to their children.

And I wonder, just out of curiosity, what type of training, if any, you were given?  At any time did you participate in the Infant Adoption Awareness Training that is so commonly offered to anyone who comes into contact with those who work with women facing unplanned pregnancy?

Ms.KitKat
by Bronze Member on Jan. 22, 2013 at 7:34 PM

 Thank you. Thank you very much for your honesty.

Well- I can not give the women the link to CM to go to now- but, yes, show them the loss afterwards.

 I remember working with a young woman who was pregnant and also adopted. I remember asking her about her birthmother. She was very angry with her. That was a closed adoption. This young woman went ahead and placed her first baby. She very quickly became pregnant again and kept her second child-so I heard through the grapevine. I always believed she wanted a connection with her first mother and so she became one herself. And then she wanted a connection with her adopted mom and chose to parent. She was very determined in her decisions. And very conflicted.

 But, thank you, yes I will try and be gentle with myself.

 

Quoting PortAngeles1969:

" I ask them over aND OVER AND OVER AGAIN to consider parenting themselves or placing their baby with a family member or a close friend until they feel better able to parent themselves. I explain how adoption is not temporary but that their current situation is and if they sign and once they sign, adoption is permenant and they lose all rights.

What then am I supposed to do when they sign anyway and they feel loss and depression and grief and regret and guilt. They feel they were coerced and forced and defrauded?

What do I do?

What do you wish your (general your) social worker could have said to you to decide to parent rather than to place. What do you (general) wish you could have/should have asked of your social worker so that your decision would have been parent and not adoption?"

 

Sigh......I know! I was one of those smart, bright, insistent soon-to-be birth moms and maybe it will comfort you somewhat to know that NOTHING anyone could have said or done short of hitting me over the head (which believe me I wish had happened) would have disuaded me from the path I was on.

But like Cedar has pointed out - this "decision" is almost ALWAYS coming from a place no woman ever wanted to find herself in which means that insistence doesn't alway equate to well thought out process.

In my case my being an adoptee with a positive view of adoption weighed heavily into my "thought process". If I had a good experience, so would my child. If I didn't feel negatively towards my first mom, neither would my child.  Of course, in hindsight and now that I've spent years delving into what elements were behind my choice I see that I also was thumbing my nose at my first mom in a way. "Oh yeah, see I can do the same thing as you.".

When I look back at myself I see a young frightened girl who wanted it all to go away and couldn't take it back. I see a girl who allowed herself to fall into a pregnancy maybe to try to feel what her own first mother experienced. I see a girl who couldn't have known based on what society put forward first (ready and willing PAPS) as a solution.

In fact, I could have parented my child. But decisions made in crisis are seldom well thought out. In fact, less than 2 years later I found myself pregnant with just about the same amount of resources and parented quite well. In fact, just 5 years after my daughter's adoption the pros I wrote down about all the things my daughters PAPs could offer that I couldn't were things that I possessed. In fact, when I reunited with my daughter at age 7 what I had to materially offer my daughter would have been selected as a more desirable home.

I had a wonderful woman who worked with me from the adoption agency. It was not her fault that the prevailing practice of the time (during the early 90's) didn't include access to the experiences of birth parents - especially those who have had time to reflect and live with the loss.

What would have made a difference (I hope - but I was horribly set in my decision) would have been hearing from women who had lost their children.

I don't blame anyone but myself - I didn't give myself (and my daughter) a chance. I am fortunate that she has accepted my mistake - I would never ask her to forgive me for I don't believe it is forgiveable. We have, however found a way to be in each other's lives and to love each other for what we have and who we are.

Be gentle with yourself as you discover what people realize after losing their children. Please be gentle with yourself! You could end up being such a powerful ally for first parents and adopted children - to have an ally from within the system speak with us is not as easily dismissed.

Be gentle with yourself!

 

Ms.KitKat
by Bronze Member on Jan. 22, 2013 at 7:52 PM

 

Quoting Cedartrees4:

 

"What do I do?"

This is where counseling comes in -- exploring why they feel that there is an urgency to surrender?  what is motivating them?  what vision of adoption are they coming to you already having?  what have they been told already?   what has lead these parents to believe it has to be done "at birth"?  what gave them this impression?  what benefits are they assuming exist for "at-birth surrender" or a pre-birth "decision"?   what have they been told or have been led to believe? and what were they led to believe would be the emotional consequences?  were they told they would feel "a sense of peace, pride, and satisfaction"?  or were they told about the risk of chronic grief, depression, future relationship and parenting problems, and PTSD? This I think I need to better expand with the women I work with. I have to say though, most times, they just do not want to delve very deep. But I can see where this defiently needs to be further explored.

"They feel they were coerced and forced and defrauded? "

But ... you said that only recently did you learn about coercion existing.   Which is it?    That only recently you learned about it, or that it is a common theme for your clients? I just recently learned of it- as in over the course of the past 6-8 months. Only reading postings here am I finding it a theme.

" I tell them about their rights before they decide to place and the fact they will have none after. I tell them that no open adoption arrangement is enforceable by law and it is an agreement made in good faith only.  I ask them over aND OVER AND OVER AGAIN to consider parenting themselves or placing their baby with a family member or a close friend until they feel better able to parent themselves. I explain how adoption is not temporary but that their current situation is and if they sign and once they sign, adoption is permenant and they lose all rights. "


Kitkat, this sounds to me like the advice that many natural mothers give in their blogs to expectant mothers considering adoption, the type of counseling they wish they had been given but were not.  No agency that I know of covers these issues with their clients.   Please forgive my doubts, but are you certain you are "for real"? LOL I am "for real" really! and when I say, over and over, I mean, over and over! I have always felt that I could not live with myself knowing that I took from a woman her child she was not prepapred to give. Now I have my doubts about how willingly she gave. Her child is always her child regardless if she has rights over her child or not. Mother and child, I believe will forever have a bond that can never be broken.  That adoption is the ultimate sacrifice, one that I believe I would never truly understand but that the woman , the mother felt it was right. Who am I , I believed, to question that choice?

But now I also have my doubts.

 

Ms.KitKat
by Bronze Member on Jan. 22, 2013 at 8:05 PM

 

Quoting bellacocco:

Ms. KitKat,

I can truly see where you are genuinely seeking some answers and I have to tell you, your strength in coming here and asking is tremendous and says a lot about the kind of caring person you are.  

I haven't commented in this group for years, but I couldn't bypass your post.  And first I have to agree with Port, be gentle with yourself.  And second, please know, my response is not against you but instead a generalization about the accepted practice for helping and protecting pregnant mothers facing unplanned pregnancies.

Giving away a child is not a normal thing for a mother to do. yes, this I know.  More often than not, it is a reaction to a crisis situation and, usually, it is not the pregnancy that is the crisis but the situation the mother is in when she finds herself pregnant. I hear this but allow me to say, these are not the women that I have worked with. The women I have worked with, the pregnancy IS the crisis and if for not the pregancy, they would not be in crisis. Unless there is something I am missing- a big something I am missing??? So, when a pregnant woman came to you, did your agency have any guidelines to follow to help identify the crisis she was facing?  Was there anything in place that first helped her identify whatever it was leaving her feel as if her only choice was to give up her baby and help her find solutions before encouraging her to give her baby up?  Was it every suggested that she receive unbiased counseling from a licensed therapist who specializes in working with those facing a crisis situation?

Were you, as the one counseling these women, provided by your agency information to share with the mothers about the risk of them experiencing depression and PTSD, and sometimes even suicide from the loss of their child.   Was it part of the practice for counselors to let pregnant mothers know about abandonment issues adoptees can face.  About the fact that their birth certificate will be falsified and they will have their equal rights denied them in many states for no other reason than they are adopted? Sadly no. Not in any depth. Counseling is always offered. Rarely if ever do the mothers ever engage. Once they sign, they cancel their follow-up visit; never return my phone call.....But they are told and encouraged to complete a birth cert. and if they want a copy, I provide them with 1. but also tell them the AP will most likely change their baby's name once the adoption is final.

And was there any warning for these mothers about the fact that pre-bith matching, in and of itself, can be very coercive and manipulative and that there are mothers who feel forced to give their babies up because of the hopeful adoptive parents feelings, even if they decide they want to keep their child? the women are counseld not to feel obligated to the pap. that their baby is still their baby and they can change their mind about their adoption plan at any time up until they sign- once they signn, it's final. but up until that time, they are the parent and should not feel pressured to place unless they were 100% certain. 

It is obvious that you truly were trying to help these women and did not intentionally try to coerce them into giving their babies up.  But the unfortunate truth for our society, is that the accepted practice is one that is coercive and manipulative in many ways while offering no protection for vulnerable pregnant mothers who are reacting out of fear and desperation and aren't given the help and empowerment to become the best mothers possible to their children. How do I do this? How do I empower them? How do you wish you were empowered so that you chose to parent rather than place?

And I wonder, just out of curiosity, what type of training, if any, you were given?  At any time did you participate in the Infant Adoption Awareness Training that is so commonly offered to anyone who comes into contact with those who work with women facing unplanned pregnancy? I am not familiar with that training program? I recived my training much as many social workers are: two years of practicum while being supervised by a mentor social worker with a certain number of years experience. Upon graduation, we are tossed out to the world and learn.

 

Cedartrees4
by Silver Member on Jan. 22, 2013 at 8:08 PM

I also have to tell you that, as far as many (most?) of us are concerned, this is the information which your profession has always known but which agency workers intentionally withhold from us in order to obtain our signatures:

http://www.originscanada.org/effects-of-adoption-on-mental-health-of-the-mother-what-professionals-knew-and-didnt-tell-us/

and http://www.originscanada.org/adoption-trauma-the-damage-to-relinquishing-mothers/

This is the material we assume you learn about in social work school, because it is the most important information concerning a mother and adoption, what effects it will have on her, and most of it is from social work professional literature, and it shows that the trauma of surrender was known decades ago. :(

We also look at current adoption-agency websites and see none of this information presented, only the implication that raising a child is prohibitively costly and that adoption will be a win-win-win happy-forever-after experience. Those agencies that do mention grief reassure the mother that it is "temporary" or "will lessen" when they know that there is no guarantee at all of this.   Many natural mothers come to this group not having been told anything about the risk of negative emotional/psychological consequences - agencies never mentioned it to them.   :(   So, that is another reason why many do not trust agencies - we know the information they have about the emotional consequences and have had about them since the 1960s, but have not told anyone about. 

Cedartrees4
by Silver Member on Jan. 22, 2013 at 8:16 PM



women are counseld not to feel obligated to the pap. that their baby is still their baby and they can change their mind about their adoption plan at any time up until they sign- once they signn, it's final. but up until that time, they are the parent and should not feel pressured to place unless they were 100% certain.

But have these women already been matched pre-birth, presented with the profiles of "waiting parents," met them, and "bonded"?  You see, no matter what intellectual information you give a mother, if she has this type of direct contact with adoptive parents prior to signing the surrender papers, the risk of emotional coercion is so high that it is doubtful she will ever "back out."  You must know the term "failed adoption"?   No-one wants to be a failure, and no mother who due to soaring oxytocin levels has "fallen in love with" the adoptive parents or her mental image of them wants to hurt and disappoint them.  :(   That is what's called emotional coercion, as this adoption lawyer blatantly admits to: 

" For Meding, this process has been successful. “In my opinion, when the birth mother has more input and can see first hand how important the adoption is to the family, it is more difficult for her to back out and disappoint them.” (“Open Doors,” The Columbia Star, April 29, 2005)"

:( 

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