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Thinking of Adoption! Help?

Posted by on Jan. 22, 2013 at 2:06 PM
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So here is our story! My husband and I have friends of the family (this couple) who has been trying for a year or so  to have a child and now has been going through adoption for almost a year with no success at the moment! Lately all I have been thinking about is how deserving this couple is! This couple just so happens to be the people we have asked to be our daughters god parents! So I have discussed with my husband and we have just  told the ocuple that we are willing to have a child and allow them to adopt him or her!

I made an appointment today for FFeb 19th at 9am to have my implanon removed so if they decided it would be easier to try and concieve, if they decided no then I will be on another birthcontrol, probably pills. I have talked with my husband and we both are more then willing to go through this exsperience for this couple! They are amazing and deserve to be parents! They will be amazing parents!

When I talked to the couple yesterday they did not say no but they also did not say yes about the idea! All they said was that they wouldn't be able to ask us to do that! We are close to them but not super close. We do consider them family but their friends! We only see the couple like once a year which is on christmas! I know it will be really hard but it is something I have my heart on doing! I have my husband for complete support and a daughter of my own! I eventually want to have another child but not anytime soon! We want to have one a few more years down the road. 


I am here looking for thoughts on this! Another thing to this story is my mother in-law, she is ranting on how she is the grandma and will not abandan that grandchild of hers and will want to be in his/her life!

I will take all thoughts in mind but not completely too heart if they are not positive but feel free to add your thoughts because I am stumbled!

by on Jan. 22, 2013 at 2:06 PM
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Replies (1-10):
vampporcupine
by Silver Member on Jan. 22, 2013 at 2:22 PM
4 moms liked this

 Children are not commodities to be bought, sold or traded. They are not blank slates that can be transfered from one mother to another without lifelong consequences for his/her natural family nor the child itself. Do not fancy this life to be brave or selfless, it is a life sentence for sure, but not the kind you think.

onethentwins
by Gold Member on Jan. 22, 2013 at 3:36 PM
2 moms liked this

Are you offering to be a surrogate to a baby of theirs as in his sperm and her egg? If so I think that's a wonderful thing to do.

If you are offering to give an infant with you and your husbands DNA, your daughters full sibling and your MILs own grandchild, then that's the worst idea I have ever heard. Your MIL has every right to rant. Your friendship will most likely not survive this, one or all of you is going to get insecure, I've seen it happen in this very group. Your daughter will wonder if you might give her away too, and how could you give away her baby sibling. Why can't she have a full relationship with her baby sibling. The child will feel like a throw away. 

Could you give your friends the daughter you have now? Well let me tell you that you're going to love this next one just as much. 

Forget this well meaning but foolish idea. 

NewMommySpirit
by New Member on Jan. 22, 2013 at 3:37 PM



Quoting vampporcupine:

 Children are not commodities to be bought, sold or traded. They are not blank slates that can be transfered from one mother to another without lifelong consequences for his/her natural family nor the child itself. Do not fancy this life to be brave or selfless, it is a life sentence for sure, but not the kind you think.


umm alright thank you for the comment

NewMommySpirit
by New Member on Jan. 22, 2013 at 3:47 PM


thank you so much for your insight it gives me a lot to think about

Quoting onethentwins:

Are you offering to be a surrogate to a baby of theirs as in his sperm and her egg? If so I think that's a wonderful thing to do.

If you are offering to give an infant with you and your husbands DNA, your daughters full sibling and your MILs own grandchild, then that's the worst idea I have ever heard. Your MIL has every right to rant. Your friendship will most likely not survive this, one or all of you is going to get insecure, I've seen it happen in this very group. Your daughter will wonder if you might give her away too, and how could you give away her baby sibling. Why can't she have a full relationship with her baby sibling. The child will feel like a throw away. 

Could you give your friends the daughter you have now? Well let me tell you that you're going to love this next one just as much. 

Forget this well meaning but foolish idea. 



PortAngeles1969
by Group Admin on Jan. 22, 2013 at 4:03 PM
1 mom liked this

Can I ask you to think of how you would explain this to the child-to-be?

Is it a good-enough reason that a couple is "so deserving" to be parents?

See, a child who hasn't had the opportunity to grow up with their family of origin experiences a tremendous loss. The societal norm is that children can expect to be brought up in the family they are born to. We know that isn't always the case. There are children who lose their parents due to war, to natural disasters, to disease and society is quick to claim that those poor children have been traumatized by this loss.

Well....adoption is no different and actually it's a lot harder for an adoptee to "understand" that mommy created you and gave you away because that poor couple really deserved to be parents. What about the rights of that child to his/her own parents?

More stuff to think about

Freebairn
by New Member on Jan. 22, 2013 at 9:19 PM
3 moms liked this

Scientific data from years of study is starting to solidify what I have believed for a while.  The biological link that begins in the womb is as unique as the DNA code written into each and every person.  Just as that DNA signature is unique, and there are no 2 signatures alike, and just as there are no 2 finger and thumb prints alike, so, too, that biological link between the child and the 2 genetic contributors is unique.  I believe this biological link is the link that helps that person make sense of the world around him or her.  In adoptive homes, the differences from the rest of the family members are tangible and very apparent to the adoptive child.  If they are not told they were adopted, they feel like aliens in their own families.  If they are told, then it explains those differences that are apparent.  You're asking a lot of that person who hasn't yet been conceived - more than is reasonable, really.  And you are asking the impossible of yourself.  That biological link is something that you cannot escape either, and it will betray you for the rest of your life if you do this.  I speak from 21 years of experience as a birth mother who gave up a child up for adoption.  And I felt much the same way about the adoptive parents that you feel toward your friends...still do.  Still, that thing or culmination of things that happened when my son was in the womb betrays me, pretty much daily, to this very day.  

Lurion
by Member on Jan. 22, 2013 at 11:08 PM

I'm almost in tears at the wisdom of the response you've gotten so far! Please, please listen to these women--they're right.

I find it beyond strange that you would concoct this plan without them even asking you to do this. And you are making doctors appointments when they haven't even agreed? Maybe they also see how absurd this is. They've only been trying for a year? 

You sound like you have a great heart and the best of intentions. This is just a really, really bad idea on so many levels. 

Lurion
by Member on Jan. 22, 2013 at 11:10 PM
1 mom liked this

Beautifully said! 


Quoting Freebairn:

Scientific data from years of study is starting to solidify what I have believed for a while.  The biological link that begins in the womb is as unique as the DNA code written into each and every person.  Just as that DNA signature is unique, and there are no 2 signatures alike, and just as their are no 2 finger and thumb prints alike, so, too, that biological link between the 2 genetic contributors is unique.  I believe that biological link is the link that helps that person make sense of the world around him or her.  In adoptive homes, the differences from the rest of the family members are tangible and very apparent to the adoptive child.  If they are not told they were adopted, they feel like aliens in their own families.  If they are told, then it explains those differences that are apparent.  You're asking a lot of that person who hasn't yet been conceived - more than is reasonable, really.  And you are asking the impossible of yourself.  That biological link is something that you cannot escape either, and it will betray you for the rest of your life if you do this.  I speak from 21 years of experience as a birth mother who gave up a child up for adoption.  And I felt much the same way about the adoptive parents that you feel toward your friends...still do.  Still, that thing or culmination of things that happened when my son was in the womb betrays me, pretty much daily, to this very day.  



doodlebopfan
by Silver Member on Jan. 23, 2013 at 1:17 PM
1 mom liked this

 I totally understand where you are coming from. I am a "fixer" and I don't like to see people (especially those I love so much) suffering. You have a big heart! My DH and I struggled with infertility for years and my sister & her DH had made us the offer you have made to your friends. I was overwhelmed by their love, but there was NO WAY that we could do that. No way that I could put my sister's very life in jeapordy, her reproductive system in jeapordy, uh, no. I couldn't live with the fact that her love for me could cost my nieces and nephew their mother. There are all sorts of complications that can happen. Trust me, I've looked it up.

It does sound like what you are thinking about is being a surrogate for them (using their egg/sperm) and surrogacy laws vary state to state. In some states, it's illegal. If you are thinking of using your egg & your dh's sperm, then I am very much in agreement with OTT, not something that I'd pursue from your POV or from theirs. I would say that you have made them a loving offer, bu they may be looking for a graceful way to say no. (How awful is that? Thankfully, my sister came back to her senses the next day and told me that she couldn't do it, no way she could carry a child and give him/her away, even to me. (Whew!) I was so relieved because DH and I knew that we couldn't do it either. Loving, but not right for us.)

However, Mama, if you truly are serious about this, then research out the pros and cons. There is a Surrogate Mommies group here on CM and they could tell you how things work, legally, morally, emotionally, spiritually, mentally, etc. There are injections you'd have to take, there is no guarantee the implant will take, it costs about 10K per try (If I remember right) and again, you have to make sure that it's legal where you are.

Something else to consider is that normally, the surrogate couple and intended couple has to undergo psych evaluations to see if this is something you can truly do, so don't skate by those types of things. You'd hate to lose a wonderful friendship in the end if you decided you couldn't go through with it. I'm not trying to talk you out of it, but do your homework. It's a big decision. Good luck!

PS-Forgot to mention that we did not remain childless forever. We are proud to be the parents of an almost 6 y/o son and (soon) his 2 year old brother, both of whom came into our lives as infants, and both of whom needed parents after their biological parents' rights were terminated by the state. Another friend of mine struggled with infertility for 10+ years and went through several major surgeries and to no avail. They stopped all of the treatments and became pregnant NATURALLY with fraternal twins. Those twins also got a new sibling a year and a half later NATURALLY. Sometimes, you just never know what will happen. Again, good luck. Check out that surrogacy group on here. Nice bunch of ladies. :)

onethentwins
by Gold Member on Jan. 23, 2013 at 2:33 PM
2 moms liked this



Quoting Freebairn:

Scientific data from years of study is starting to solidify what I have believed for a while.  The biological link that begins in the womb is as unique as the DNA code written into each and every person.  Just as that DNA signature is unique, and there are no 2 signatures alike, and just as there are no 2 finger and thumb prints alike, so, too, that biological link between the child and the 2 genetic contributors is unique.  I believe this biological link is the link that helps that person make sense of the world around him or her.  In adoptive homes, the differences from the rest of the family members are tangible and very apparent to the adoptive child.  If they are not told they were adopted, they feel like aliens in their own families.  If they are told, then it explains those differences that are apparent.  You're asking a lot of that person who hasn't yet been conceived - more than is reasonable, really.  And you are asking the impossible of yourself.  That biological link is something that you cannot escape either, and it will betray you for the rest of your life if you do this.  I speak from 21 years of experience as a birth mother who gave up a child up for adoption.  And I felt much the same way about the adoptive parents that you feel toward your friends...still do.  Still, that thing or culmination of things that happened when my son was in the womb betrays me, pretty much daily, to this very day.  


I think Nancy Verrier says it beautifully:

There exists a great need for legislative action and concern for the rights of adoptees. But few dare give voice to that which they know in their hearts: that the connection between biological mother and child is primal, mystical, mysterious, and everlasting. Far more than merely biological and historical, this primal connection is also cellular, psychological, emotional, and spiritual. So deep runs the connection between a child and its mother that the severing of that bond results in a profound wound for both, a wound from which neither fully recovers. In the case of adoption, the wound cannot be avoided, but it can and must be acknowledged and understood.

http://nancyverrier.com/position-statement/


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