I just joined. I wrote this recently, but cant share it on my blog for fear that I will be cut out again so I thought I would share it here. I met my son for the first time a couple weeks ago. I lost him to adoption (almost) 12 years ago.
I exit the elevator and I burst into tears. I can't get my feet to move. The moment that I have waited for, for so long is here and I can't get my feet to move. What is wrong with me? Walk, just walk. 1 foot in front of the other. I make it half way down the hall and halt in my tracks and burst into tears again. Cant move, cant move. Walk feet walk. I make it to the door. I lean against the wall and sob. Just knock on the door...I cant. I cant. What if he hates me. Suck it up lady, wipe those tears away. Be strong. This is what you want. I knock on the door and it opens. It's here. Breathe.
As I enter the hotel room his father tells me they went to the vending machine. We talk, I try to hold back tears, I learn he's completely sheltered, here it goes I cant pretend they parent like I do any longer. I hear the door open. He's here....he's here. I look into eyes just like mine, a face identical to my brothers. My heart swells, tears threaten to fall. Don't cry, don't cry. You don't want to scare him. Hold it together....don't cry don't cry. Breathe...just breathe.
I sit next to him. My son...my oldest. The decision that gives me the most pain. All he talks about is money....he's entitled, he's spoiled. He asks no questions except things having to do with money. What are they doing to my child? They are ruining him. He doesn't know what sex is...ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME, he's almost a teenager? They tell me he doesn't know he has a birthfather because they don't want to explain sex to him. Bite your tongue, bite your tongue. You don't want them to close you off again. You watch in shocked silence as you witness one of your greatest fears. That your decision that has screwed you up FOR LIFE was completely in vain. That he is NOT better off....but worse off then you can possibly imagine.
Shut your mouth....6 more years and you can sing like a canary. When he's 18 they can no longer keep him from you and you can tell the truth. Put on a smile, act like this was great. Be thankful, be appreciative...even if it's an act. Pretend...pretend. My life is about pretending. Pretending I'm fine when I'm actually dying inside. Smiling when I want to scream that I fucking hate adoption. Nature vs Nurture? We'll see.