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what do u think?

Posted by on Jan. 25, 2013 at 5:22 AM
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So my twins where born January 12th... 6 weeks early. Anyways... For most of my pregnancy most of my family had no idea I was pregnant until thanksgiving day. When they saw me. I only told a few people and had asked them to keep it on the down low bc I know not everyone would have been supportive about my plan to place them for adoption. Well after I had the boys, some of my family came and saw me. And that's great this way I could see for myself who supported my decision and who didn't. Well a few if my family members and went behind my bad to message and contact the adoptive family, asking how the boys where doing, if they could have updates, ect... Ect... I was very hurt by this... And at first didn't know how to handle this or how to tell my family it was wrong and your over stepping you boundaries. Has this happened to anyone else if so... How did u handle this situation? Or how do u think I should handle this..?
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by on Jan. 25, 2013 at 5:22 AM
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Replies (1-5):
vampporcupine
by Silver Member on Jan. 25, 2013 at 6:02 PM

 Your family is missing thier family members, your twins. Adoption impacts every member of the natural family. You could have avoided this by being open and honest with them at the beginning so that they could have time to prepare themselves for the loss of their family as well.

My ex-mil, who orchestrated my daughters abduction, did receive updates behind my back. While my daughter's ap's closed our "open" adoption, my ex-mil kept getting updates for another 2 years. I found out 20 years later. Yes, I was mad, sad and hurt. Now I'm outraged. I wanted and loved my daughter, so this was a complete betrayal

onethentwins
by Gold Member on Jan. 25, 2013 at 8:49 PM

Just because some of your family members didn't support your decision for your twins to be put up for adoption, doesn't mean they don't love and care for you or your twins. Your twins were their family members too so naturally they're going to want updates of their nephews/cousins/great nephews or whatever. Why do you think it hurts your feelings?

The thing you need to worry about is your relationship with your boys adoptive parents. Make sure that they know that you didn't have anything to do with your family contacting them. Then let the adoptive parents decide who they're going to share with and how much they are going to share.

Otherwise how are you dealing with the loss of your twins?

LivelyBlu
by New Member on Jan. 31, 2013 at 12:50 AM

I think it's totally natural for you to feel the way you fell.  I also feel that your family is acting appropriately.  Why do you feel the way you feel?  Well, it's your territory, it's your story, and your pregnancy is what (sounds like) you managed and went through by yourself. 

I was 8 months pregnant before I even said the word 'adoption' to my family and they freaked out.  They couldn't imagine their grandson/nephew, etc. not being in the family - it wasn't natural for them. 

Overall, if this is bothering you, talk to your family.  Voice your concerns and set boundaires, but also respect what they are going through.  The loss is so great not only for you but for them as well.

-Blu

Cedartrees4
by Silver Member on Jan. 31, 2013 at 1:29 AM

" And at first didn't know how to handle this or how to tell my family it was wrong and your over stepping you boundaries."

I guess that my feelings on this are that your family are your children's family too.  That they are just as related to your children as you are, and their loss will be just as great.  Was there no family member who could have raised your children if you could not?  No kinship care available?  :(    I don't know if i'd call it much of a "decision" you were able to make it you had to make it during your pregnancy, before recovering from childbirth -- it sounds like no-one suggested that you take time to make an informed, non-pressured choice after recovery.   

I feel that, as your family has just lost a family member to adoption and some may have felt powerless to prevent it, that they have just as much right to contact the adoptive family as you do.  I don't think anything could have prepared the for this loss, and it may impact them hugely their entire lives -- I know marriages which have broken up when the daughter surrendered a baby to adoption and her parents couldn't cope with the trauma it caused for them. :(   They naturally want to reach out and have contact with their lost and loved family member.

Cedartrees4
by Silver Member on Jan. 31, 2013 at 12:25 PM



Quoting 2ndtimewish:

I kept the extended family on my Christmas Card list but that has been it, they never called again. The Bmom is the one who ultimately made the biggest sacrafice, it was her decision and I owe it to her and to her decision not to push her aside. 


Yes, legally in the US, Canada, and other nations, the final signing of papers is given to the mother, it is called "her decision" (even if the "decision" to try to separate her from her baby was made by others) ... but I've spoken with adoption workers in other nations who state that where they are, the maternal and paternal families are first approached to see if they can raise the child if the mother doesn't want it, as they are the child's family too.   It's considered the "right thing to do," given how adoption loss/pain can affect so many people.   I know this doesn't help the original poster, but to provide a different perspective, that there is nothing abnormal about family inquiring about contact or information about their lost loved one. A natural family includes many members, related to each other, no matter what the laws state as to what's whose decision. Now , if certain family members coerced/encouraged her to surrender and these people now want contact with the child once the damage was done, this would certainly be a betrayal.  I don't see them having this right.

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