Yesterday would also have been my in-law's 55th wedding anniversary. We
had a huge party for them only five years ago to celebrate their 50th.
Alas, my father-in-law passed away just about two years ago. And we lost
my mother-in-law this past fall. So emotions are running high within my
husband's family. He is the youngest of six and they are a close knit
bunch. And his sister sent an email out yesterday morning to all of the
siblings and us spouses. It talked about this day being difficult for
them and she attached a love letter written from my father-in-law to my
mother-in-law back in 1961. It was really all very poignant and
beautiful. My heart does go out to us all as we tackle these first
milestone dates following the death of my mother-in-law. Then at the end
of this sad, touching email, she wrote "P.S. Wishing iAdoptee a Happy
Birthday too!"
The whole wishing me a happy birthday thing did not make sad. What made me sad is that on this same day 42 years ago, I lost my parents. I experienced losing my parents and my entire family long before my husband and his siblings did. I didn't have the 50 years with my parents that they had. I wasn't raised by my parents like they were. And while I'm in reunion now, I will never get back what was lost or what could have been. It's a loss that nobody thinks or cares about when it comes adoptees. This makes me so sad for myself and for all adoptees. Our losses go unrecognized so that others can perpetuate the myth that adoption is some sort of happy, one-time event in our lives.
The whole wishing me a happy birthday thing did not make sad. What made me sad is that on this same day 42 years ago, I lost my parents. I experienced losing my parents and my entire family long before my husband and his siblings did. I didn't have the 50 years with my parents that they had. I wasn't raised by my parents like they were. And while I'm in reunion now, I will never get back what was lost or what could have been. It's a loss that nobody thinks or cares about when it comes adoptees. This makes me so sad for myself and for all adoptees. Our losses go unrecognized so that others can perpetuate the myth that adoption is some sort of happy, one-time event in our lives.
Everyone on the planet would have no issue whatsoever acknowledging why
my husband and siblings might have struggled a bit yesterday. But nobody
would ever stop and consider how the anniversary of my birth brings
with it a similar sense of grief--year after year after year. My birth
was not celebrated. There were no flowers. There were no balloons. My
mother gave birth alone. She was allowed to hold me twice. Then the nuns
took me away and I was placed in foster care for two months before
getting a fresh identity, fake birth certificate and new parents. And
this was apparently supposed to make losing my original parents, family
and identity somehow okay or inconsequential or acceptable or not an
actual loss.
It didn't. Losing my parents the day I was born was not, and never will
be, okay with me. My birthday will always involve some sadness and
grief. Because it will always be the anniversary of a colossal and
life-defining loss for me.
This is the tragedy of adoption.
A blog I'm reading
- Cedartrees4
on Jan. 28, 2013 at 11:20 PM