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Adoptee blog post "I lost my parents too"

Posted by on Jan. 28, 2013 at 11:20 PM
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I wanted to share this: http://www.iadoptee.com/2013/01/i-lost-my-parents-too.html ... 42 year later and she is still greiving.  For many, the pain of adoption is endless.  :(


"I lost my parents too"

So yesterday was my birthday. And it was quite an amazing and wonderful day for a number of reasons. Probably the best birthday I've ever had. But still, knowing you were marked for adoption before you were even born makes thinking about the day you did emerge into the world one that is somewhat rife with mixed emotion. I've covered some of those emotions here before. And yesterday, something happened that caused me to react with a certain adoptee sadness that so often goes unacknowledged and unrecognized.

Yesterday would also have been my in-law's 55th wedding anniversary. We had a huge party for them only five years ago to celebrate their 50th. Alas, my father-in-law passed away just about two years ago. And we lost my mother-in-law this past fall. So emotions are running high within my husband's family. He is the youngest of six and they are a close knit bunch. And his sister sent an email out yesterday morning to all of the siblings and us spouses. It talked about this day being difficult for them and she attached a love letter written from my father-in-law to my mother-in-law back in 1961. It was really all very poignant and beautiful. My heart does go out to us all as we tackle these first milestone dates following the death of my mother-in-law. Then at the end of this sad, touching email, she wrote "P.S. Wishing iAdoptee a Happy Birthday too!"

The whole wishing me a happy birthday thing did not make sad. What made me sad is that on this same day 42 years ago, I lost my parents. I experienced losing my parents and my entire family long before my husband and his siblings did. I didn't have the 50 years with my parents that they had. I wasn't raised by my parents like they were. And while I'm in reunion now, I will never get back what was lost or what could have been. It's a loss that nobody thinks or cares about when it comes adoptees. This makes me so sad for myself and for all adoptees. Our losses go unrecognized so that others can perpetuate the myth that adoption is some sort of happy, one-time event in our lives.

Everyone on the planet would have no issue whatsoever acknowledging why my husband and siblings might have struggled a bit yesterday. But nobody would ever stop and consider how the anniversary of my birth brings with it a similar sense of grief--year after year after year. My birth was not celebrated. There were no flowers. There were no balloons. My mother gave birth alone. She was allowed to hold me twice. Then the nuns took me away and I was placed in foster care for two months before getting a fresh identity, fake birth certificate and new parents. And this was apparently supposed to make losing my original parents, family and identity somehow okay or inconsequential or acceptable or not an actual loss. 

It didn't. Losing my parents the day I was born was not, and never will be, okay with me. My birthday will always involve some sadness and grief. Because it will always be the anniversary of a colossal and life-defining loss for me. 

This is the tragedy of adoption. 



by on Jan. 28, 2013 at 11:20 PM
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Replies (1-5):
megan91
by Member on Jan. 29, 2013 at 1:16 AM
Wow. it is only happy for the adoptive parents and maybe the adoption agency because thats how they make their money. A terrible day for us though....
2jeffsmom
by Bronze Member on Jan. 29, 2013 at 8:40 AM

It's very sad to think about this perspective. Does my son grieve too?

vampporcupine
by Silver Member on Jan. 29, 2013 at 3:49 PM

 Heartbreaking.

Vikki77
by Silver Member on Jan. 31, 2013 at 9:47 PM
Very sad.
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MoLLiy
by Member on Feb. 4, 2013 at 10:47 AM
This is so true. I miss my family every day but it is worse on my birthday. I am so upset that my daughter will have this same hurt because of her adoption. I can only hope that she forgives me for not being strong enough to fight it...
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