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Would you find this... concerning?

Posted by on Jan. 31, 2013 at 1:06 AM
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My son is 5 1/2 years old... my parents adopted him and I have had a pretty big part in his life.  When he was around 3 years old resentment set in and I couldn't stand to be around him.  I literaly HATED him.. and he hated me right back.  I was never directly rude or mean to him.. but I did stop playing with him and I stopped coming around and he noticed.  He hated being in the same room as me and would never let me come near him.. it was torture.

When he was 4, I moved to another state and communication has gone from every weekend to twice a year.  I'm ok with it... at least I think.

You all probably think I'm some wench.. how could I feel this way?  I'm sure not all of you can relate but I'm hoping someone else can..

Is this normal?  Is it normal to wish he didn't exist?  Is it crazy to think that everything I went through almost 6 years ago all seems like it happened to someone else and not me?

Believe it or not I didn't use to be like this.  When he was 6 months old i was diagnosed with PTSD and it took two years of healing for me to get out of that horrible, awful depression of the tremendous loss I went through.

Oh, the love I had for him.. it was absolutely incredible.  I believe the power behind that love could move mountains.  I haven't felt that in two years.

What's wrong with me?

by on Jan. 31, 2013 at 1:06 AM
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Ms.KitKat
by Bronze Member on Jan. 31, 2013 at 8:04 AM
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 Nothing is "wrong" with you.

You say your were diagnosed with PTSD, was that due to surrender and placement? or was something else going on ?

my guess, (and not knowing all the details) is that you are contiuning to work through your grief.  It is ok you were feeling angry. I think maybe you still are. There is nothing wrong with that.

Cedartrees4
by Silver Member on Jan. 31, 2013 at 12:11 PM
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" I literaly HATED him."

This hate could not have come from the same place as the love you orginally felt for him, and the fact you had PTSD shows that you were coerced into surrender, that you had no choce and it was a traumatic experience for you -- that you loved and wanted to keep your baby. 

Could the hate be because it was hate for the situation you were put into of being coerced to surrender your baby?  for what had been done to you? hate because you were never allowed to "mother him" but were only allowed to look in from the outside into the "parent-child relationship" your parents were trying to set up with him?  You were thrown crumbs.  One symptom of PTSD is avoiding reminders of the trauma, and he is a living reminder of the trauma.  Part of you sees him as "the embodiment of" what was done to you?  Hate and anger can be very close -- have you ever been allowed to feel anger at whatever/whomever it was that forced you to surrender your baby?  If not, then maybe it transferred onto him?

vampporcupine
by Silver Member on Jan. 31, 2013 at 1:06 PM
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 I would like to add to what Cedar said.

Maybe it is hate for the pain that you endured and continue to endure. Why did your parents not take temporary custody of your son until you were able to provide for him? Kinship care is available and if any of my daughters (including my surrendered daughter) ever needed assistance with my grandchild/children, I would be there in a snap to assist them to parent. I would not want to be "mother" to my grands.

LivelyBlu
by New Member on Feb. 3, 2013 at 11:39 PM



Quoting Cedartrees4:

  One symptom of PTSD is avoiding reminders of the trauma, and he is a living reminder of the trauma.  Part of you sees him as "the embodiment of" what was done to you?  Hate and anger can be very close -- have you ever been allowed to feel anger at whatever/whomever it was that forced you to surrender your baby?  If not, then maybe it transferred onto him?


so sorry for the late reply... but I do believe you have made an incredible point regarding PTSD;  I do believe it is possible that I see him as a reminder of what I went through.  I was able to feel everything I felt.  I had a pretty good support system outside my family and worked through therapy.  There was a point in therapy where I went into his office and said, "I don't want to feel this anymore,  I can't feel this anymore or I'm going to die.  Let's work on that."  So we did a lot of desensitizing work... and I think part of it work but that also I stopped allowing myself to feel anything.  So now I'm in this position where I want to feel something and I have no idea how to... and how do I let go of this anger? 



LivelyBlu
by New Member on Feb. 3, 2013 at 11:43 PM



Quoting vampporcupine:Why did your parents not take temporary custody of your son until you were able to provide for him? Kinship care is available and if any of my daughters (including my surrendered daughter) ever needed assistance with my grandchild/children, I would be there in a snap to assist them to parent. I would not want to be "mother" to my grands.

They did offer that, but I didn't want that for my child.  I felt that if I were to do it that way, it was more of me abandoning him than me trying to do what was best for him at the time.  It's so complicated as to why I did what I did, but I really have no regrets.  I think if I were to change anything, it would have of been having another family adopt him.


Ms.KitKat
by Bronze Member on Feb. 4, 2013 at 8:29 AM

 

Quoting LivelyBlu:

 

 

Quoting vampporcupine:Why did your parents not take temporary custody of your son until you were able to provide for him? Kinship care is available and if any of my daughters (including my surrendered daughter) ever needed assistance with my grandchild/children, I would be there in a snap to assist them to parent. I would not want to be "mother" to my grands.

They did offer that, but I didn't want that for my child.  I felt that if I were to do it that way, it was more of me abandoning him than me trying to do what was best for him at the time.  It's so complicated as to why I did what I did, but I really have no regrets.  I think if I were to change anything, it would have of been having another family adopt him.

 

 Lively, can I ask you why you would have another family adopt your son rather than your parents? is it more complacated that they are blood related? do you think the adoption would have beenn made easier if the adoptive parents were bio-strangers to you and your son?

(please do not feel you have to answer, only if you wish. I am just curious since so many here, I think, would much prefer having a closer tie to their own child. does that make sense?)

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