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Trying to hold on....

Posted by on Feb. 3, 2013 at 2:12 PM
  • 12 Replies
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To live.

They say this is 100% normal for mourning but its a daily struggle that these feelings aren't always lingering around.

http://youtu.be/qZeZLyL2BQs

by on Feb. 3, 2013 at 2:12 PM
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Replies (1-10):
CrystalDawn2506
by Member on Feb. 3, 2013 at 2:16 PM

The aparents haven't sent an email about any updates on my son even though I am still updating them on us. Should I stop since they wish to have no contact with us ( myself and his sister)?

doodlebopfan
by Silver Member on Feb. 3, 2013 at 4:00 PM

 Crystal, I'm so sorry for your losa and for yours and your DD's pain. How often are you reaching out to the ap's? How long has it been since you heard from them?

CrystalDawn2506
by Member on Feb. 3, 2013 at 8:09 PM

I have emailed them twice once last month and once this month. Lots of things are changing in DD's life she is progressing in kindergarten she has even got a kindness award. But thinking of stopping these updates but to be every few months or so because my heart is still healing and wishing the aparents would be happy again and want us in his ( my son's) life in some way some how no matter how big or small.The last time they emailed me was Jan 9th I responded the day after then I emailed them an update yesterday.I hate that I let my sadness get in the way of enjoying my DD so the rest of this year I will be just focusing on DD.

Quoting doodlebopfan:

 Crystal, I'm so sorry for your losa and for yours and your DD's pain. How often are you reaching out to the ap's? How long has it been since you heard from them?


CrystalDawn2506
by Member on Feb. 7, 2013 at 6:52 PM

I am starting to notice that instead of focusing on my DD like I said I would . I am trying to distance myself from her because I feel she doesn't deserve a mom who cries every day/night.She doesn't deserve a mom who has become even more overly protective. I am failing her because I get side tracked thinking about my son when doing anything with her. I know she will hate me for this because this is the only way I know how to deal with losing my son for the 2nd time by his aparents not wanting us around him. DD knows to a certain extent why I act this way and I know this is a defence mechanism because I had weight lifted off my shoulders I was holding on for 12 yrs to have it put back on through a stinking email saying the dreaded words " we only want to contact you through email" by the aparents.My family is saying buck up like this is again nothing to anyone to act again as if my son wasn't in this world. I feel like I am dying inside and hate that I have to grieve over my son as if he were dead. The aparents will never know what this feels like so they will never have any compassion towards me or his half sister.I am going through counseling and I was told even these feelings are normal for grief but I want to yell to the top of my lungs MY SON ISN'T DEAD!!!! when they tell me that when anyone tells me this in all honesty. 

CrystalDawn2506
by Member on Feb. 7, 2013 at 6:53 PM

Also I keep hearing stories from what it seems like everywhere that adpotee's rarely seek out their birth parents. That there is no desire to find them. So now I could be facing that which I was hoping to avoid since aparents told me that they wanted DD and myself to be in his life.

Cedartrees4
by Silver Member on Feb. 7, 2013 at 7:30 PM

The problem with the grief of losing a child to adoption is that there is NO closure. Without closure, no resolution, and the grieving just goes on and on and can get worse.  I wish someone had told you this, that this is the reality, that decades later we can be swamped in unresolved, overwhelming pain.  Agencies who dont tell a mother about this are lying.

drfink
by Silver Member on Feb. 7, 2013 at 9:00 PM

 

Quoting CrystalDawn2506:

Also I keep hearing stories from what it seems like everywhere that adpotee's rarely seek out their birth parents. That there is no desire to find them. So now I could be facing that which I was hoping to avoid since aparents told me that they wanted DD and myself to be in his life.

I don't want to give you false hope but my son did want to meet.At 18 he contacted the agency ...they lied to him for 17 more years...but he did want to meet.When we finally did get contact he was a bit slow to warm up to the idea because he had to adjust to the idea I hadn't wanted contact according to the agency.He did warm up though.I belong to a birthmom ,adoptee and aparent group...few aparents... but the lengths some of the adoptees have gone through to find their birth parents is awe inspiring and very clever.

I think you need to find a therapist to talk to ,not to "get over " or "move on "but to help you learn coping skills and help with your understandable depression.

Take care of your self.

Cedartrees4
by Silver Member on Feb. 7, 2013 at 9:30 PM


I don't think that this is true. I think that many were told that we "chose to give them away" (which sounds to many adoptees like abandonment), so as we presumably rejected them at birth, they may feel that rejecting us is appropriate too, either active rejection by saying "no" if we find them, or passive rejection by not searching.  I found my son, and the first thing i said via email to him was that I had loved him and wanted to keep him, and that I think made a huge difference - he found he was not rejected.  He was happy to be found and has never been angry at me, only angry at the baby brokers and the unethical/criminal hospital staff who illegally took him at birth.  Let your son know that you love him, be available if he wants to ever contact you,  make certain he knows your name and can contact you at any time.

Your son is 12 yrs old? Pretty soon, likely w/in the next couple of years, he will be able to contact you himself assuming they let him have computer access.  Ensure he knows your name and have a way for him to contact you privately (I don't know, for example, if a list of FB friends can be private or not).  But by the time he is 15 or 16, a "mature minor," he has the right to make his own decisions in this regard.   If he knows that you never wanted to lose him, then he will likely not be inclined to "reject you in return. "

drfink
by Silver Member on Feb. 7, 2013 at 9:58 PM

 

Quoting Cedartrees4:

 

I don't think that this is true. I think that many were told that we "chose to give them away" (which sounds to many adoptees like abandonment), so as we presumably rejected them at birth, they may feel that rejecting us is appropriate too, either active rejection by saying "no" if we find them, or passive rejection by not searching.  I found my son, and the first thing i said via email to him was that I had loved him and wanted to keep him, and that I think made a huge difference - he found he was not rejected.  He was happy to be found and has never been angry at me, only angry at the baby brokers and the unethical/criminal hospital staff who illegally took him at birth.  Let your son know that you love him, be available if he wants to ever contact you,  make certain he knows your name and can contact you at any time.

Your son is 12 yrs old? Pretty soon, likely w/in the next couple of years, he will be able to contact you himself assuming they let him have computer access.  Ensure he knows your name and have a way for him to contact you privately (I don't know, for example, if a list of FB friends can be private or not).  But by the time he is 15 or 16, a "mature minor," he has the right to make his own decisions in this regard.   If he knows that you never wanted to lose him, then he will likely not be inclined to "reject you in return. "

 I agree .I demanded, with an atty as a back up that the first contact letter the agency sent included that I had left contact info for him around his birthday for 35 years.That the agency tell him they had screwed up 17 years before.He still was a little slow to warm up ,he has said that when he contacted the agency at 18 he expected to hear I wanted contact.He was hurt and had to move past that pain so he had to work through the kind of callous he had in place.He did though and now resents the agency and said nicely but still with out a doubt the agency was manipulative and careless on their FB page . LOL they didn't ban him after all he is an adoptee but talked in circles.No doubt they would have deleted me.He said knowing I had always loved and wanted him was a little confusing but it helped him decide to respond.

CrystalDawn2506
by Member on Feb. 7, 2013 at 11:10 PM

The counselor is doing awesome with telling me these feelings are normal we are working them all out. Its my various family members who doesn't understand why am I so upset again like its not a big deal.

Quoting drfink:

 

Quoting CrystalDawn2506:

Also I keep hearing stories from what it seems like everywhere that adpotee's rarely seek out their birth parents. That there is no desire to find them. So now I could be facing that which I was hoping to avoid since aparents told me that they wanted DD and myself to be in his life.

I don't want to give you false hope but my son did want to meet.At 18 he contacted the agency ...they lied to him for 17 more years...but he did want to meet.When we finally did get contact he was a bit slow to warm up to the idea because he had to adjust to the idea I hadn't wanted contact according to the agency.He did warm up though.I belong to a birthmom ,adoptee and aparent group...few aparents... but the lengths some of the adoptees have gone through to find their birth parents is awe inspiring and very clever.

I think you need to find a therapist to talk to ,not to "get over " or "move on "but to help you learn coping skills and help with your understandable depression.

Take care of your self.


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