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Considering...

Posted by on Feb. 6, 2013 at 10:58 PM
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I would like to hear from some ladies who have put a child up for adoption and who are comfortable talking about. I've talked to resource counselors but I'm looking for someone who has the experience and fear they are the only ones to answer the questions on my mind. Is that person u?
Ps. I am currently 25 weeks, found out I was prego at 19 weeks.. Not much time left, and tons to consider.
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by on Feb. 6, 2013 at 10:58 PM
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Replies (1-10):
vampporcupine
by Silver Member on Feb. 6, 2013 at 11:27 PM
All of us here are comfortable talking about our experience.

I lost my first daughter to adoption . It was and continues to be the worst thing that has ever happened in my life. Btw love does not equal leaving. Did you know that an "adoption plan" is legal abandonment of your baby to strangers?

What is missing in your life that you have considered this? What can we do to help support you to parent your baby? Btw, you have 18 years to consider adoption. I suggest you and your baby recover together at home for at least six weeks post birth before you look into adoption. If after that time you neither love nor want your baby and you've been cleared of postpartum depression, you can then place.

What would you like to know?
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drfink
by Silver Member on Feb. 6, 2013 at 11:39 PM

 Jump in .Lots of women are interested.

My oldest was adopted at birth .Worse thing that has ever happened.I finished college and grad school ,married and have 4 children.My life is really, really good other than living with unimaginable pain every day.

As Vamp said what support do you need.

Blah-a-dee
by Member on Feb. 7, 2013 at 8:37 AM
1 mom liked this

I am here if you need to talk. I regret my adoption... I dont know if this is allowed but, I wish when I was in the abortion clinic I had gone through with it because nothing like not knowing about what your child is doing. I think you should talk to a therapist before deciding in what to do.. 

snowwillow
by Member on Feb. 7, 2013 at 4:34 PM

I gave up my daughter in 1972, I've lived a lifetime of pain. I reunited with my daughter in 2001. I will never be her Mother (her choice). She already has one. We are friends though so I guess I'll take what I can get. I was 17 when I got pregnant and was made to feel like I had shamed the family. I pretty much did what I was told. Back then, no one really knew the ramifications or the impact of adoption on either one of us. She felt abandoned and I felt numb.

Feel free to ask questions.

PortAngeles1969
by Group Owner on Feb. 7, 2013 at 6:07 PM

I relinquished in 1991 (and am also an adult adoptee) - I would say that I've had perhaps one of the better scenarios with post-adoption contact with my daughter and a positive relationship with her adoptive parents. And yet, this decision scarred both my daughter and I in ways that are irreversable. Yes, we have gone on to have happy positive experiences in life and love each other dearly but that does not un-do what was dissolved with my decision to place her for adoption.  We lost the opportunity to be to each other what nature intended. Sometimes there are horrible reasons that children and parents cannot remain together - abuse, early death of parents, etc.

I was simply scared and panicked to find myself pregnant without it being a planned event. Adoption seemed a good solution. The truth is that everyone around me would have supported me and I could have raised my daughter. In my panic to "make it right" I never gave anyone a chance to help us.

Oh, and it's not just the loss of mother/child. It forever changes the family dynamics. My parents lost a grand-child, my brother a neice, etc. etc. and I never took their feelings into consideration at all.

Who have you let into your decision-making other than agency representatives? Is it possible that you have people around you would would support you in a way other than adoption?

onethentwins
by Gold Member on Feb. 7, 2013 at 6:52 PM

I relinquished in 1988 and have a full and loving relationship with my son now. I'd be happy to answer any questions. How about a list of questions you'd like answers to?

Momma-Bearof3
by New Member on Feb. 7, 2013 at 9:50 PM
Sorry, kinda long.....
Let me start with why I have considered... I have been with my man since high school, so about 14 years. We started having issues in our relationship a couple years ago and separated. We have tried on and off to rekindle our relationship but it's gets more and more difficult bc of certain events. (Chick he started dating got pregnant) and before he left me I gave birth to our 3rd. Well bc I still wanted the option of having a child if I found someone else and our relationship not working I didn't get fixed. About 9 months ago, we started repairing our relationship and planning our future and building our dreams. Everything seemed to be going in right direction for once. He told me when we started fixing relationship this time that he did not want anymore children ( bc technically there is 4 now) and I agreed. I got on BC after finishing breast feeding out last and kept all appts to make sure I would not get prego. Then he lost his high paying job and insurance and everything became hard. In this time I was looking for more permanent BC( tubes or that tubal implant thing) but I couldn't afford now. So I continued BC. Apparently the BC didn't work and before I knew anything I was 19 weeks along or so they think. I felt movement and freaked out. No other signs. I told him and he was extremely upset. Blaming me that I tricked him, that I was with someone else and that I nvr got on BC ( I have all my proof from docs, so he's pretty much dropped accusations) but now it feels there is no relationship. He won't touch me, says can't stand sex knowing what happened, and just distant again. I'm just as upset as him that this happened. It wasn't planned. And I had thought I was doing all I could to prevent but it failed. He tried to send me to get abortion but in my state u have to be less than 16 wks unless medically needed. So that's def out. I have been bak and forth in my mind about adoption as apposed to raising a 4th alone. ( I say alone bc he told me that he would make his decision of whether we continue building relationship or not based in my doc appt) he won't talk to me about. Hates if I bring up. He's still upset. And I feel it's with me.
My questions are...
Do most children who are adopted hate their BP for doing adoption?
Do AP cooperate in open adoptions?
How do I know they will be raised with love?
Will my other children hate me for giving up their sibling?
I'm scared.. I want our relationship. And I want this baby to be loved. I just dk if I can love someone who I didn't want.. If that makes sense. I cry daily bc of movements but I don't hate this baby. It's not their fault. It's mine.
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Southernroots
by Group Admin on Feb. 7, 2013 at 11:25 PM


Quoting Momma-Bearof3:

Sorry, kinda long.....
Let me start with why I have considered... I have been with my man since high school, so about 14 years. We started having issues in our relationship a couple years ago and separated. We have tried on and off to rekindle our relationship but it's gets more and more difficult bc of certain events. (Chick he started dating got pregnant) and before he left me I gave birth to our 3rd. Well bc I still wanted the option of having a child if I found someone else and our relationship not working I didn't get fixed. About 9 months ago, we started repairing our relationship and planning our future and building our dreams. Everything seemed to be going in right direction for once. He told me when we started fixing relationship this time that he did not want anymore children ( bc technically there is 4 now) and I agreed. I got on BC after finishing breast feeding out last and kept all appts to make sure I would not get prego. Then he lost his high paying job and insurance and everything became hard. In this time I was looking for more permanent BC( tubes or that tubal implant thing) but I couldn't afford now. So I continued BC. Apparently the BC didn't work and before I knew anything I was 19 weeks along or so they think. I felt movement and freaked out. No other signs. I told him and he was extremely upset. Blaming me that I tricked him, that I was with someone else and that I nvr got on BC ( I have all my proof from docs, so he's pretty much dropped accusations) but now it feels there is no relationship. He won't touch me, says can't stand sex knowing what happened, and just distant again. I'm just as upset as him that this happened. It wasn't planned. And I had thought I was doing all I could to prevent but it failed. He tried to send me to get abortion but in my state u have to be less than 16 wks unless medically needed. So that's def out. I have been bak and forth in my mind about adoption as apposed to raising a 4th alone. ( I say alone bc he told me that he would make his decision of whether we continue building relationship or not based in my doc appt) he won't talk to me about. Hates if I bring up. He's still upset. And I feel it's with me.
My questions are...
Do most children who are adopted hate their BP for doing adoption?
Do AP cooperate in open adoptions?
How do I know they will be raised with love?
Will my other children hate me for giving up their sibling?
I'm scared.. I want our relationship. And I want this baby to be loved. I just dk if I can love someone who I didn't want.. If that makes sense. I cry daily bc of movements but I don't hate this baby. It's not their fault. It's mine.

First, I will try to respond to your questions:

1)  Some adopted children have very negative feelings for their birthparents.  I don't know that most really hate their birthparents, but, many experience difficult life experiences due to being relinquished and/or not growing up in their original families. 

2)  It appears to me from the many birth moms I have met on-line or elsewhere that adoptive parents often promise a lot in the beginning of an open adoption, but, often do not honor their promises.  Many of the moms in this group have had contact stop for either periods of time or years, often with no reason being given.

3) Adoption holds no guarantee that a different way of life for a child.  Adoptive parents may experience all the life issues that other parents do, such as divorce, illness, money or relationship issues. 

4)  Hard to say what YOUR children may feel, but it is possible they will not understand why you relinquished their sibling.  It's hard for many people to understand.

Many children come into this world unplanned, but that doesn't usually mean that their parents don't love and cherish them.  Are you so certain once that baby is in your arms that you won't fall in love with it totally?

I know you're scared and I feel for you.  Although it's been over 40 years since I relinquished my son I remember well how confused, scared and in turmoil I felt.  However, I have discovered that the loss of a marriage or spouse pales in comparision to the loss of your child.  Maybe your husband will change his mind, maybe not.  How will your feel if your marriage still fails even if you do relinquish this baby?  

My situation was somewhat similar to yours.  In a way, I chose my marriage over my child and yet my marriage eventually ended anyway.  Recovering from the end of my marriage was a million times easier thatn the lifelong issues losing my son has caused me.  Since reunion, I have found some peace and am generally happy and content.  And yet, I deeply regret my son's adoption and experience lingering sadness that I imagine will also be with me.

I recommend you take your time with this important decision.  Spend some time with your baby after it is born and then decide.  Adoption counselors have limited experience with the lifelong issues birth parents and their families and adoptees experience.

vampporcupine
by Silver Member on Feb. 7, 2013 at 11:32 PM
1 mom liked this
1st question: Not all adoptees hate their natural family for abandonment.
2nd question:AP's can close the adoption before the ink is dry as your child is now theirs by law.
3rd question: You don't. These people are strangers and even love cannot make an adoptee feel that they belong in a family that has no genetic mirroring in both looks and actions.
4th question: Your children will most likely be traumatized for life and wonder when the going gets tough if mommy is going to get rid of them too.

Don't give your baby away for a man. Men come and go, your babies need their mother forever. If you cannot fathom giving away your other children how would this child be different?
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drfink
by Silver Member on Feb. 7, 2013 at 11:54 PM

 

Quoting vampporcupine:



Don't give your baby away for a man. Men come and go, your babies need their mother forever. If you cannot fathom giving away your other children how would this child be different?

 exactly

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