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Birthmother’s Cake: What People Really Think About the Act of Selfless Love Called Adoption

Posted by on Feb. 6, 2013 at 11:53 PM
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I'm sharing this blog post by Claudia. I'll copy part of it here but due to the limit on cfm for length, you'll have to read the rest by using the link.

Quotes & Musings

Birthmother’s Cake: What People Really Think About the Act of Selfless Love Called Adoption

December 14, 2012 / Claudia Corrigan DArcy / 28 comments

“You Can’t Have Your Cake and Eat it Too”

Once again the public has shown what people really think about birthmothers. Oh, let’s forget for one second the false sense of grandeur that the adoption industry likes to project. Let’s forget about all the claims of “creating a family” and ” choosing life”. Let’s erase calls of “selfless, strong decisions” and “knowing what’s best for your baby”. Away from the adoption community where adoptive parents thank God for blessing them with the birthmothers of their children and away from the proud birthmothers who still find comfort in “meant to be”. The reality is that people hate birthmothers.

Oh, I mean hate. I mean viciously, judgmentally, without a shred of compassion, armed with cruelty, malice, and downright ignorance; the general public really despises birthmothers who place their children for adoption. The hatred for the relinquishing mother is only to be topped by the venom spit on the audacity of the birthmother who “chooses an open adoption” and expects that promise of ongoing contact to be kept.

“OPEN Adoption really….the natural mother wants her cake and eat it too… I will give you my child so I can finish school…have a life….while you take care of her…spend money on her for clothes and food schooling…etc……stay up all night when she is sick….take her to the doctors…AND LOVE HER…and then she can come visit and bring her a lil present…and go off and live her life with no cares in the world to make her life easier.”

“she can’t have it both ways… she can’t have her cake and eat it too…she speaks like she’s still the mother… if I adopted a child I wouldn’t want the birth mother all involved pictures…. nothing what so ever.”

How Can Birthmothers Have it Both Ways?

“Someone should have explained that you can’t have it both ways. When we play, we have to pay… one way or another, payday comes in many ways. Grief and loss, sorrow and despair.”

“Let them go or grow up and keep the child, but you cannot have it both ways. … After all you gave them up.”

“She should have not had sex or should have better protected herself to begin with if she was not ready for a baby. also she gave the baby up for adoption yet still expected to have a relationship & pictures. sorry but you cannot have it both ways.”

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by on Feb. 6, 2013 at 11:53 PM
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by Silver Member on Feb. 7, 2013 at 12:23 AM

 So very true .I read it earlier on her blog so true.

My shrink refers to it as demonizing birth mothers.When I was foolish and was still telling some friends about meeting my oldest I was astounded how often the first words out some of MY now not very good friends mouths were about his amom.I had never mentioned her once as I told them I had met my oldest ,how joyful I was then the vomit came spewing out of their mouths.The astounding part is they have no idea how hateful they are.To tell me how happy I should be that I provided a baby for a woman ,that he was well cared for more crap.I just shut up and walked off.I told my shrink if really all that should count for a birthmother to be happy  is a happy amom and that  her  child being well cared for why aren't more financially secure ,married women having babies to give to their infertile friends? After all the child will be loved and well cared for.Why is it for the most part it is only the unsupported that do this.Why are surrogates required to undergo a psychological clearance and testing but a woman considering adoption for her child is NOT required to have all sorts of testing...he said because birthmothers are demonized.

Sometimes I really don't mind helping to fund his retirement

by Silver Member on Feb. 7, 2013 at 12:51 AM

Here is more of what is said about (and to) the natural mothers of adoptees:

"Make that mother look like a Saint. Then blind-side her, she won't know what hit her. When I had to be NICE to [the] girls' mothers I just about died inside, but once the termination was over, I just told her what a piece of crap she was. I don't know your story. But, I will pray that you get to keep [her] child."

"Being a resident of one of those 18 states (that have supposed legally enforceable Open Adoption Agreements) I can tell you that there are enough loopholes in the "open adoption" law to make it almost unenforcable. Example: Our adoption agreement with M's birthmother clearly states that if she ever brings legal action against us the contact agreement is null and void. Translation: If we decided to cut contact with her, her only legal recourse would be to file a civil suit against us. But in doing so she would be nullifying the original agreement that she signed. She might be awarded some money (though doubtful) but there would no longer be a legally binding contact agreement."

"... were you very young and gave a child up for adoption and realized you made a mistake. Did you honestly feel at a young age you could handle the responsibility of careing for a child. Or do you feel the system screwed you. I know your theory is short term problem for a permanent solution, but hey get real...a 14 - 15 yr old girl being upset about a temporary problem to later cry WOLF."

and, perhaps the one that surprised me most of all:

"Giving your child to a stranger is NOT natural!"  [Of course we all know it is not natural, but it was unexpected to hear an adoptive parent say that it wasn't natural as the reason why she didn't like the term "natural mother." ]

by Bronze Member on Feb. 7, 2013 at 8:23 AM
This is one of the hardest parts of adoption to come to terms with for me.
The way my Mom, and all of you were and are treated After the act of adoption.

Make up your mind. Do you love her and shower her with praise or hate her and tear her down with punishments of never hearing from her child again. Talk about eating your cake
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