talking to my raised daughter about her sister...

[MoLLiy]

So Marie has having lots of issues due to the fact that I overshared about her sister. I have always told her that she can talk about Makayla anytime she wants to but a few weeks ago I had to tell her she can only talk about her at therapy... I feel awful about it but she started using her sister as an excuse and saying things like, "I won't do my homework because I can't see my sister." I had a session with her therapist today without her and we talked about what to do about this. She said to tell her that Makayla was never ment for our family and be very matter of fact about it that this was the end of the discussion. I know that this is what's best for Marie but I feel like I'm betraying Makayla and her memory by saying this. What do I do? I need advice and support. I still didn't get her birthday pictures from the AP's even though they said they would text me and I've been texting amom today and still no pictures :( Just another disappointment...

[adopteeme]

Never meant for your family?
I think that's a crappy answer from a therapist. I hope the Moms can give you better wording / explanation that's helpful.

[MoLLiy]

The reason for that wording was based on what my adoptive mom told me about my birthmother. She didn't want to alter my view on her with her opinions so she told me that my birthmother had babies for people who couldn't which to a child sounds like a great thing as opposed to saying what the truth was which is that the state removed all the children from the home due to abuse...

Quoting adopteeme:

Never meant for your family?

I think that's a crappy answer from a therapist. I hope the Moms can give you better wording / explanation that's helpful.

[onethentwins]

Quoting adopteeme:

Never meant for your family?
I think that's a crappy answer from a therapist. I hope the Moms can give you better wording / explanation that's helpful.

I agree and that's totally bullshit terrribe advice. Your therapist obviously knows nothing about adoption issues.

If I were you I'd email Marlou Russell [e-mail] and Nancy Verrier [e-mail] about the issues your raised daughter is having and ask them how to deal with it. Maybe one of them could recommend a good therapist in your area. 

[onethentwins]

 Well it is a lie.

I also have a problem with the advice "be very matter of fact about it that this was the end of the discussion."

Quoting MoLLiy:

The reason for that wording was based on what my adoptive mom told me about my birthmother. She didn't want to alter my view on her with her opinions so she told me that my birthmother had babies for people who couldn't which to a child sounds like a great thing as opposed to saying what the truth was which is that the state removed all the children from the home due to abuse...

Quoting adopteeme:

Never meant for your family?

I think that's a crappy answer from a therapist. I hope the Moms can give you better wording / explanation that's helpful.

[MoLLiy]

Thanks for the emails. Her therapist isn't for the adoption issues per se that is just a piece of the puzzle that is Marie... The therapist is more for school issues and me and her father's separation but the adoption has now become an issue with her since Scotty was born. Her reasons for it being the end of discussion is so Marie can move past it and "put it on a shelf" so to speak...

Quoting onethentwins:

Quoting adopteeme:

Never meant for your family?

I think that's a crappy answer from a therapist. I hope the Moms can give you better wording / explanation that's helpful.

I agree and that's totally bullshit terrribe advice. Your therapist obviously knows nothing about adoption issues.

If I were you I'd email Marlou Russell [e-mail] and Nancy Verrier [e-mail] about the issues your raised daughter is having and ask them how to deal with it. Maybe one of them could recommend a good therapist in your area. 

[onethentwins]

"move past it"? Sounds like "get over it" or "move on".  "put it on a shelf" sounds like denial.

This has been the common misguided advice given to birth mothers for decades, and we know it's bad advice and unrealistic. If it doesn't work for birth mothers why would it work for birth sisters? It sounds like this therapist is expecting your family to make adoption a subject not to be talked about. 

What Marie is doing is just like when adoptee kids say to their amothers "you're not my real mom why should I listen to you?" It's not acceptable, but there are better ways to deal with it than shutting down the conversation about adoption. I know Marlou Russell says the answer to that is "I am your mother, do as I said and when you've done it we'll talk about your birth mother if you like." Then walk out of the room. 

Seriously, ask an adoption therapist about this. 

Quoting MoLLiy:

Thanks for the emails. Her therapist isn't for the adoption issues per se that is just a piece of the puzzle that is Marie... The therapist is more for school issues and me and her father's separation but the adoption has now become an issue with her since Scotty was born. Her reasons for it being the end of discussion is so Marie can move past it and "put it on a shelf" so to speak...

Quoting onethentwins:

Quoting adopteeme:

Never meant for your family?

I think that's a crappy answer from a therapist. I hope the Moms can give you better wording / explanation that's helpful.

I agree and that's totally bullshit terrribe advice. Your therapist obviously knows nothing about adoption issues.

If I were you I'd email Marlou Russell [e-mail] and Nancy Verrier [e-mail] about the issues your raised daughter is having and ask them how to deal with it. Maybe one of them could recommend a good therapist in your area. 

[MoLLiy]

I will email them and see if there is someone in my area that can help. I have my own mess of issues that I'm dealing with as it is. Trying to sweep my other daughter under the rug is not going to help anyone... Every time I look at my son I die a little more inside about what I have already missed and will continue to miss with Makayla... I'm a mess over here and no one in my life seems to care... I'm barely the shell of the woman I used to be...

Quoting onethentwins:

"move past it"? Sounds like "get over it" or "move on".  "put it on a shelf" sounds like denial.

This has been the common misguided advice given to birth mothers for decades, and we know it's bad advice and unrealistic. If it doesn't work for birth mothers why would it work for birth sisters? It sounds like this therapist is expecting your family to make adoption a subject not to be talked about. 

What Marie is doing is just like when adoptee kids say to their amothers "you're not my real mom why should I listen to you?" It's not acceptable, but there are better ways to deal with it than shutting down the conversation about adoption. I know Marlou Russell says the answer to that is "I am your mother, do as I said and when you've done it we'll talk about your birth mother if you like." Then walk out of the room. 

Seriously, ask an adoption therapist about this. 

Quoting MoLLiy:

Thanks for the emails. Her therapist isn't for the adoption issues per se that is just a piece of the puzzle that is Marie... The therapist is more for school issues and me and her father's separation but the adoption has now become an issue with her since Scotty was born. Her reasons for it being the end of discussion is so Marie can move past it and "put it on a shelf" so to speak...

Quoting onethentwins:

Quoting adopteeme:

Never meant for your family?


I think that's a crappy answer from a therapist. I hope the Moms can give you better wording / explanation that's helpful.

I agree and that's totally bullshit terrribe advice. Your therapist obviously knows nothing about adoption issues.

If I were you I'd email Marlou Russell [e-mail] and Nancy Verrier [e-mail] about the issues your raised daughter is having and ask them how to deal with it. Maybe one of them could recommend a good therapist in your area. 

[onethentwins]

You can also check this post from the reunion group: http://www.cafemom.com/group/14715/forums/read/2316501/Therapists_Specializing_in_Adoption_Issues

[Vikki77]

That is very bad advice. :( My. advice would be just to tell her that you have no control over her seeing her sister. But that you do have a responsibility to make sure she does what she is supposed to do. Use she appropriate wording, but that is my best though on it. I would not shut down communication with her about her sister, but I would think real hard about talking to that therapist about anything adoption related.

[Ms.KitKat]

 {{{HUGS}}} to you and your dd. I second the advice of OTT. I do not agree with the therapist to "put [her sister] on a shelf. It makes me think of what we do with a book we are done with- just stick it on a shelf. Your dd has been thinking about her lil sis and she needs an outlet. Even limiting her talk to therapy only sounds very restricting for her. She is def processing stuff and if she is not 'allowed" it will come out in her behavior.

Let her have her voice. and hang in there Mama! 

Quoting MoLLiy:

I will email them and see if there is someone in my area that can help. I have my own mess of issues that I'm dealing with as it is. Trying to sweep my other daughter under the rug is not going to help anyone... Every time I look at my son I die a little more inside about what I have already missed and will continue to miss with Makayla... I'm a mess over here and no one in my life seems to care... I'm barely the shell of the woman I used to be...

Quoting onethentwins:

 

"move past it"? Sounds like "get over it" or "move on".  "put it on a shelf" sounds like denial.

This has been the common misguided advice given to birth mothers for decades, and we know it's bad advice and unrealistic. If it doesn't work for birth mothers why would it work for birth sisters? It sounds like this therapist is expecting your family to make adoption a subject not to be talked about. 

What Marie is doing is just like when adoptee kids say to their amothers "you're not my real mom why should I listen to you?" It's not acceptable, but there are better ways to deal with it than shutting down the conversation about adoption. I know Marlou Russell says the answer to that is "I am your mother, do as I said and when you've done it we'll talk about your birth mother if you like." Then walk out of the room. 

Seriously, ask an adoption therapist about this. 

Quoting MoLLiy:

Thanks for the emails. Her therapist isn't for the adoption issues per se that is just a piece of the puzzle that is Marie... The therapist is more for school issues and me and her father's separation but the adoption has now become an issue with her since Scotty was born. Her reasons for it being the end of discussion is so Marie can move past it and "put it on a shelf" so to speak...

Quoting onethentwins:

 

 

Quoting adopteeme:

Never meant for your family?


I think that's a crappy answer from a therapist. I hope the Moms can give you better wording / explanation that's helpful.

 

I agree and that's totally bullshit terrribe advice. Your therapist obviously knows nothing about adoption issues.

If I were you I'd email Marlou Russell [e-mail] and Nancy Verrier [e-mail] about the issues your raised daughter is having and ask them how to deal with it. Maybe one of them could recommend a good therapist in your area.