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I need perspective.

Posted by on Apr. 1, 2013 at 10:38 AM
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I was given up for adoption back in 1980.
No contact with birth mom until she called my mom out of the blue 28 years after she gave me up.

After trying to establish a friendship with her, which failed because she keeps doing drugs, drinking excessively, and generally trying to be my mother. I washed my hands of her and her family, because of all the lies and the way they live their lives.

I get a nasty text message from her, stating that because she gave me up for adoption, I now owe her part of my liver because she needs a transplant.

I am just looking for some perspective here.

Can someone explain how she might be feeling???
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by on Apr. 1, 2013 at 10:38 AM
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Replies (1-5):
Vikki77
by Silver Member on Apr. 1, 2013 at 11:35 AM
I have no idea what she may be thinking or feeling. I am a birth mother, but I can't imagine this. Not even thinking of the adoption aspect, do you think it's maybe "I have you live, so now I need your help to stay alive." It is still wrong. I wouldn't demand my raised children to do this. I would pay it off all my children one would offer to, but I would never expect it. :/
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ltucutie
by Member on Apr. 1, 2013 at 11:36 AM
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I cannot comment on how she would feel as a birth mom because I am not one, but I will give you something to think about.

I will assume that you are close with your adoptive mom since she was the only mother you knew for 28 years.  That being the case, would you give her part of your liver if you knew that she was using drugs and drinking excessively?  Probably not.  It would be a waste of a good liver.  She would never qualify to be on a transplant list with that type of lifestyle.  You have to look at the big picture, which includes you putting your our health at risk to donate for her.  Personally, I would never donate part of my liver to anyone that is showing me that they will not take care of it.  It is a lifestyle change for you as much as it is for her.

I hope that this gives you another way of looking at this situation.  I will be praying for clarity for you in the days to come.

edelweiss23
by on Apr. 1, 2013 at 12:01 PM
You are correct, I would be hard pressed to give my adoptive mother any part of me if she didn't take care of herself prior to needing help.

She also wants me to undergo a bone marrow screening to see if I am a match for her grandson(I truly feel bad for the child, but I have three of my own to take care of) because his parents both can't stay off drugs.


Quoting ltucutie:

I cannot comment on how she would feel as a birth mom because I am not one, but I will give you something to think about.

I will assume that you are close with your adoptive mom since she was the only mother you knew for 28 years.  That being the case, would you give her part of your liver if you knew that she was using drugs and drinking excessively?  Probably not.  It would be a waste of a good liver.  She would never qualify to be on a transplant list with that type of lifestyle.  You have to look at the big picture, which includes you putting your our health at risk to donate for her.  Personally, I would never donate part of my liver to anyone that is showing me that they will not take care of it.  It is a lifestyle change for you as much as it is for her.

I hope that this gives you another way of looking at this situation.  I will be praying for clarity for you in the days to come.


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Vikki77
by Silver Member on Apr. 1, 2013 at 12:13 PM
I agree with ltucutie. I don't think I would be able to do it either. Honestly, my mom is the same way. Drinking excessively. And if she found out she needed a liver, I wouldn't be the one to offer.
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drfink
by Silver Member on Apr. 1, 2013 at 12:44 PM
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I am a birthmom that gave my son up and closed was the only option.I was in college and everyone in my family and the father's family said they would let me be homeless and then have him removed.They were worried about what their friends at our country club would say so I was locked away in a religous agency.

I am saying this because the lack of contact isn't an issue for me in her behavior.Last April 15th was the first time I had any contact ever and he was 35 and Dec 28th was the first time I saw him EVER...I wasn't allowed when he was born.

But I  hope she is being demanding do to her illness and fear of death.That could make people act very ,very inappropriately.In the older days we were told no matter how stunningly painful give your child a better life...you are less ,you are not worthy ,live in pain always for the good of the child.She has misdirected the anger of being told those things towards you.You had nothing to do with the decisions concerning your adoption so that's why I think she must be acting out of fear.Also sometimes being told these things can make people turn to drugs  etc to self medicate.Still not an excuse for her behavior just some possible reasons.

That is just why I think she is doing this.If you don't want to do this for any reason it is ok.It is your body and NO ONE has the right to demand a part of it.I don't know all your reasons and I don't need to.This is a major undertaking and you clearly have a family...you are here on CM .....you need to do what you think is best for you first and your kids .

Sorry she is being this way to you.My oldest has been open and receptive but I still move with caution because my goal is to make this a long term happy relationship not drive him away.That is why I think she is acting out of desperation and fear...threatening and trying to guilt someone rarely makes someone want to be closer . 

Don't feel guilty .She has not put out the effort needed to have a healthy life or a healthy relationship with you.I am sorry she is treating you this way.

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