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It was the best choice!

Posted by on Apr. 9, 2013 at 11:35 PM
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Today I had a young lady come up to me and ask me if I gave my first child up for adoption, I told her yes. She then said "It must have sucked to have lost your son like that."
I was in shock. I never have once felt like giving my son up meant I lost him. I always felt like it was a blessing and I was giving him a better life.
I was really offended by this. Has anyone had this before? Howd you deal with it?
by on Apr. 9, 2013 at 11:35 PM
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vampporcupine
by Silver Member on Apr. 9, 2013 at 11:42 PM
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I have never considered the loss of my daughter as anything good for either of us. It was not a blessing to me or to her. It is the single most traumatic event in my life. 

 How considerate of the woman to acknowledge that you lost your son even if you hadn't recognized it as such. 

Cedartrees4
by Silver Member on Apr. 10, 2013 at 12:07 AM
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I guess, for me, I would have finally felt validation if anyone had said that (no-one ever has).  Adoption for me was a loss, I lost my son to adoption.  His adoptive parents gained what I lost - they gained the joy of raising him, something that I would have given anything to have.  :(  And he himself, lost his heritage, his family, his name, his identity ... it was a loss and trauma for him too.   When we reunited (he was 19), he told me that as toddler, whenever adoption was mentioned, he'd run from the room because it was too traumatic for him to think of, and that as a boy and teen he put a lot of energy into trying to make himself believe that the woman who raised him had also given birth to him.  It was just too painful for him to realize that his life had begun with trauma, abandonment, and rejection (even though I had never abandoned or rejected him, this is often what it feels like to adoptees - after all, nowhere else in life do we "give away" anyone we love).

I'm glad that adoption worked out for you, but do you miss your son and grieve his loss or absence at all? 

I read from your profile that it only happened 3 yrs ago -- often it does take years and then the pain hits, especially when/if we see the pain in our child's eyes.  :(

drfink
by Silver Member on Apr. 10, 2013 at 12:24 AM

vamp and cedar have said  it perfectly.

onethentwins
by Gold Member on Apr. 10, 2013 at 12:35 AM
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Yes, losing my son to adoption was a massive loss to me. If anyone ever said to me, "I'm sorry for your loss", I'd say "thank you". It's only ever happened to me here on CM.  I lost the infant I can never, ever get back, and the 18 years we should have been together.

I'm at a loss of why you were offended by such an empathetic comment.

MommaPeyton622
by on Apr. 10, 2013 at 1:11 AM
I do miss my son. Every day. But I also am lucky and get to spend a lot of time wit my son on a regular basis. I do not feel like I am missing out on raising him because his adoptive parents let me be a part of that, even if I'm not there daily.
Regardless of how much I miss my son, I don't feel like I've lost him. It has been an uphill climb the past three, almost four, years. Just because I'm happy with my adoption now, it doesn't mean I've always felt that way.
I have a hard time seeing adoption as anything but beautiful. I see how much he has and is growing. That's something I know at 15, I wouldn't have been able to give him.


Quoting Cedartrees4:

I guess, for me, I would have finally felt validation if anyone had said that (no-one ever has).  Adoption for me was a loss, I lost my son to adoption.  His adoptive parents gained what I lost - they gained the joy of raising him, something that I would have given anything to have.  :(  And he himself, lost his heritage, his family, his name, his identity ... it was a loss and trauma for him too.   When we reunited (he was 19), he told me that as toddler, whenever adoption was mentioned, he'd run from the room because it was too traumatic for him to think of, and that as a boy and teen he put a lot of energy into trying to make himself believe that the woman who raised him had also given birth to him.  It was just too painful for him to realize that his life had begun with trauma, abandonment, and rejection (even though I had never abandoned or rejected him, this is often what it feels like to adoptees - after all, nowhere else in life do we "give away" anyone we love).

I'm glad that adoption worked out for you, but do you miss your son and grieve his loss or absence at all? 

I read from your profile that it only happened 3 yrs ago -- often it does take years and then the pain hits, especially when/if we see the pain in our child's eyes.  :(


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Vikki77
by Silver Member on Apr. 10, 2013 at 2:57 AM
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Most of us here list or children completely. Didn't see them for years and met them as an adult. I have a very close relationship with my 16 year old, and love his adoptive mom to death, but I still feel his loss.I feel more whole when he is with me for sometimes a week at a time, but the loss is still there because I know I have to take him back.I feel understood when people tell me they are sorry for my loss. I am glad you have a good adoption though.I would have given anything to know my boys as they were growing up, and I guess I can see why you don't feel the loss as much.
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Gwen72
by Member on Apr. 10, 2013 at 8:36 AM
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I placed my son for adoption back in 1991.  Adoption was very different back then.  I was lucky that I got to pick my son's parents.  Most girls surrendered their babies to an agency or the state and a social worker picked the parents.  I was also lucky to get one picture and letter when he was 4 months old.  Even though it was the best decision for him, it was a devestating loss that I suffer to this day.  We have been in a strange reunion for 2 years.  We fb chat and email occasionally but he has yet to agree to meet me f2f.  He had the loving, two parent, financially stable upbringing that I couldn't give him as a teenaged mother.  I went on to become successful, marry a wonderful man, and have another son who is 4 yrs old now.  I have a nice house with a nice yard in the suburbs.  On the outside, it looks like I am living a charmed life.  On the inside, there is such a whole in my soul from the loss of my son that I would give it all back if I could go back in time and keep my son.  I am so happy that you have a much different adoption experience than I did.  You truely are blessed to be allowed to be a part of his life.  I wish you nothing but the best in the future.    

2jeffsmom
by Bronze Member on Apr. 10, 2013 at 8:53 AM
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My loss hit at reunion, 32 years later! I had totally repressed everything. I didn't even really realize my 14 year old boyfriend had raped me until then! I knew I had to get out of there and never went back,but it's amazing the things your mind can do to you. It took reunion, and the help of so many wonderful ladies here to bring me back to a life I can be happy with now.

I know I would appreciate the comment you had from someone. I might cry, but I would be appreciative too.

Cedartrees4
by Silver Member on Apr. 10, 2013 at 4:51 PM
1 mom liked this



Quoting MommaPeyton622:

I do miss my son. Every day. But I also am lucky and get to spend a lot of time wit my son on a regular basis. I do not feel like I am missing out on raising him because his adoptive parents let me be a part of that, even if I'm not there daily.
Regardless of how much I miss my son, I don't feel like I've lost him. It has been an uphill climb the past three, almost four, years. Just because I'm happy with my adoption now, it doesn't mean I've always felt that way.
I have a hard time seeing adoption as anything but beautiful. I see how much he has and is growing. That's something I know at 15, I wouldn't have been able to give him.

What is tragic is that even at age 15, you had the right to ALL the resouces and support you needed in order to give him a beautiful life.  There is no way you should have felt any more need to surrender him than a married, wealthy 30-something-year-old woman would have.  You had that as a basic human right. It is too bad that no-one supported you and that it sounds like your rights were violated. :(   I know someone who had her first at age 14 and was a wonderful mother.  She is now the mother of 5, grandmother of several, and has recently retired from a great career in the educational system as an administrator.  She shows that age is no barrier.   But she was forced to surrender her 2nd child at age 16, and it was the worst trauma of her life - she never recovered from it emotionally. 

We will likely only know if an adoption is beautiful or not once our children have grown up, maybe not until they are 30 or so, and then IF they can then tell us in all honesty that they never felt pain, anger, rejection or abandonment.  Until then, you may want to read blogs like "Bitch You Left Me" and "Snarkurchin" to see what adoptees in "good adoptions" are saying - stuff they often would never in a million years would let their adoptive parents or natural parents hear (for fear of hurting their feelings).  And adoption is a risk for increased suicide rates in adolescents - http://www.adoptionhealing.com/Suicide.htm. Some children do not feel this pain, but there is never a guarantee, and that's what's scary.  The agency should have told you that your child may feel this way.  Agencies are well aware of "adoptee trauma."  :(

MommaPeyton622
by on Apr. 10, 2013 at 7:20 PM
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I have never heard someone so rude in my life. At 15, I had no resources. It was either move out, with no where to go. Or give my son a better life. I wasnt old enough to drive or have a job. I was barely in high school. Surrender? I didn't surrender him. I gave him a life I never could have provided him. Just because I chose not to keep my son, it doesnt mean I had no support and that my rights were violated. If my rights were violated, someone else would have made the choice for me.
Bitch you left me? That sounds horrible. Just because I chose a different lifestyle, it doesnt mean I left my son. I see him all the time. And he is fully aware of who I am.
Unless you have adopted your child out to someone, you should be quiet. Because you have no idea how offensive that was.


Quoting Cedartrees4:




Quoting MommaPeyton622:

I do miss my son. Every day. But I also am lucky and get to spend a lot of time wit my son on a regular basis. I do not feel like I am missing out on raising him because his adoptive parents let me be a part of that, even if I'm not there daily.

Regardless of how much I miss my son, I don't feel like I've lost him. It has been an uphill climb the past three, almost four, years. Just because I'm happy with my adoption now, it doesn't mean I've always felt that way.

I have a hard time seeing adoption as anything but beautiful. I see how much he has and is growing. That's something I know at 15, I wouldn't have been able to give him.



What is tragic is that even at age 15, you had the right to ALL the resouces and support you needed in order to give him a beautiful life.  There is no way you should have felt any more need to surrender him than a married, wealthy 30-something-year-old woman would have.  You had that as a basic human right. It is too bad that no-one supported you and that it sounds like your rights were violated. :(   I know someone who had her first at age 14 and was a wonderful mother.  She is now the mother of 5, grandmother of several, and has recently retired from a great career in the educational system as an administrator.  She shows that age is no barrier.   But she was forced to surrender her 2nd child at age 16, and it was the worst trauma of her life - she never recovered from it emotionally. 


We will likely only know if an adoption is beautiful or not once our children have grown up, maybe not until they are 30 or so, and then IF they can then tell us in all honesty that they never felt pain, anger, rejection or abandonment.  Until then, you may want to read blogs like "Bitch You Left Me" and "Snarkurchin" to see what adoptees in "good adoptions" are saying - stuff they often would never in a million years would let their adoptive parents or natural parents hear (for fear of hurting their feelings).  And adoption is a risk for increased suicide rates in adolescents - http://www.adoptionhealing.com/Suicide.htm. Some children do not feel this pain, but there is never a guarantee, and that's what's scary.  The agency should have told you that your child may feel this way.  Agencies are well aware of "adoptee trauma."  :(


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