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I'm not a birthmom, but have a question.

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 I found out I was having a baby when I turned 17. I was too young...way to young for that. I was also married at 17 (second mistake) and I had cheated and it wasn't not my husbands baby. Well my husband wanted nothing to do with my daughter. I had the bright idea to let my parents have her. I was the only child and my parents had wanted more children but it never happened. Anyways, I gave temp custody for her to them. Moved 6 hours away to distance myself. But I relized I could go through with it. I went to get my baby back! My question is, how do all of you do this? How do you cope with seeing pictures of your babies (if you have an open adoption) and know your not there. I lost my husband when I got her back. I was 18 with no job, a new born, and no place to live pretty much; but I had my baby. It was my parents so I mean I could get her back no problem. But you guys can do that. You have lose your babies and want ever get them back in that way.

by on Apr. 15, 2013 at 2:37 AM
Replies (21-28):
vampporcupine
by Silver Member on Apr. 16, 2013 at 6:35 PM

The majority of mothers who surrendered both wanted and loved thier baby. So for the small percent that did not, it would harm the ones who desperately wanted to reconnect. 

Quoting omm76002:

 In a way...wouldn't it be better for them not to know? So mothers don't care and never wan to see their children again. So in those cases, wouldn't it be better? Avoid all the pain and hurt.

Quoting 2jeffsmom:

I was 15 when I found out I was pregnant. My boyfriend was 14, raped me, and we had broken up before I found out I was pregnant. Abortion was the 1st thing discussed between my mom, step-dad and the fathers parents. It was like we didn't exsist in the decision. I was convinced in every way that it would be selfish to keep the baby, and I would have no place to live or support us.

After he was born I convinced myself and anyone that would listen that adoption was a wondrful thing to do. Even working as a nurse in the nursery, I would talk about how wonderful a gift adoption was forr parents unable to have children of thier own. I'll have to live with that guilt forever!

I totally repressed the pain of the loss of my son until reunion 8 years ago. He found me with the help of his amom, to try to help him with his life troubles, I believe stem from adoption. Our reunion has been a slow, but healing process for both of us. I think we're at a place now where we can love and accept each other, and stop the guilt and blame.

I'm so glad you have your children. I truly believe it is a better choice. Adopted children always wonder why their parents didn't want them. It hurts. Some handle it better than others, but it hurts!

 


omm76002
by Member on Apr. 16, 2013 at 7:30 PM

 I'm glad you get what I meant. Today my typing is not making sense. I meant some mothers don't care. Opps lol but today all teenagers are taught at school via sex edu and guidence from teachers and social workers that PA can help with your new bun in the oven. So why do women fill pressured now? If your underage (which I have found alot are) you can't be kicked out. And PA can help take care of their babies. Daycare assistance can help pay for daycare while their in school. Workfirst and child support can help pay for stuff to. So why knowing all this give up your child?

Quoting vampporcupine:

The majority of mothers who surrendered both wanted and loved thier baby. So for the small percent that did not, it would harm the ones who desperately wanted to reconnect. 

Quoting omm76002:

 In a way...wouldn't it be better for them not to know? So mothers don't care and never wan to see their children again. So in those cases, wouldn't it be better? Avoid all the pain and hurt.

Quoting 2jeffsmom:

I was 15 when I found out I was pregnant. My boyfriend was 14, raped me, and we had broken up before I found out I was pregnant. Abortion was the 1st thing discussed between my mom, step-dad and the fathers parents. It was like we didn't exsist in the decision. I was convinced in every way that it would be selfish to keep the baby, and I would have no place to live or support us.

After he was born I convinced myself and anyone that would listen that adoption was a wondrful thing to do. Even working as a nurse in the nursery, I would talk about how wonderful a gift adoption was forr parents unable to have children of thier own. I'll have to live with that guilt forever!

I totally repressed the pain of the loss of my son until reunion 8 years ago. He found me with the help of his amom, to try to help him with his life troubles, I believe stem from adoption. Our reunion has been a slow, but healing process for both of us. I think we're at a place now where we can love and accept each other, and stop the guilt and blame.

I'm so glad you have your children. I truly believe it is a better choice. Adopted children always wonder why their parents didn't want them. It hurts. Some handle it better than others, but it hurts!

 


 

onethentwins
by Gold Member on Apr. 16, 2013 at 9:15 PM
2 moms liked this


Many people tell young single moms on PA that they should be ashamed. They tell them that if they really love their child then they would give them to well off, more worthy couples who will give them a better life. Hardly anyone will tell them that their baby is best off with it's own mother, that being young, single, uneducated, poor, is a temporary status. They don't tell them that will a little support they'll do fine. And they never tell her how much her baby loves her and only wants to be with her.

Quoting omm76002:

 I'm glad you get what I meant. Today my typing is not making sense. I meant some mothers don't care. Opps lol but today all teenagers are taught at school via sex edu and guidence from teachers and social workers that PA can help with your new bun in the oven. So why do women fill pressured now? If your underage (which I have found alot are) you can't be kicked out. And PA can help take care of their babies. Daycare assistance can help pay for daycare while their in school. Workfirst and child support can help pay for stuff to. So why knowing all this give up your child?

Quoting vampporcupine:

The majority of mothers who surrendered both wanted and loved thier baby. So for the small percent that did not, it would harm the ones who desperately wanted to reconnect. 

Quoting omm76002:

 In a way...wouldn't it be better for them not to know? So mothers don't care and never wan to see their children again. So in those cases, wouldn't it be better? Avoid all the pain and hurt.

Quoting 2jeffsmom:

I was 15 when I found out I was pregnant. My boyfriend was 14, raped me, and we had broken up before I found out I was pregnant. Abortion was the 1st thing discussed between my mom, step-dad and the fathers parents. It was like we didn't exsist in the decision. I was convinced in every way that it would be selfish to keep the baby, and I would have no place to live or support us.

After he was born I convinced myself and anyone that would listen that adoption was a wondrful thing to do. Even working as a nurse in the nursery, I would talk about how wonderful a gift adoption was forr parents unable to have children of thier own. I'll have to live with that guilt forever!

I totally repressed the pain of the loss of my son until reunion 8 years ago. He found me with the help of his amom, to try to help him with his life troubles, I believe stem from adoption. Our reunion has been a slow, but healing process for both of us. I think we're at a place now where we can love and accept each other, and stop the guilt and blame.

I'm so glad you have your children. I truly believe it is a better choice. Adopted children always wonder why their parents didn't want them. It hurts. Some handle it better than others, but it hurts!

 


 



2jeffsmom
by Bronze Member on Apr. 17, 2013 at 2:24 AM

One than twins, you are so right! I really felt it was best to give my son away, at that time. It was what I was told and beleived. I don't think my son feels that way. His life with his aparents wasn't what I had hoped for him. He didn't get hugged , and never felt he was good enough for adad. I think he still trys to prove he's good enough for his acceptance.

At least I know he feels the love I have for him. His natural father too. He gets lots of huggs from me, and I think he likes them!

randi1978
by Bronze Member on Apr. 20, 2013 at 11:35 AM
1 mom liked this

Most of the stories you will hear here are not pleasant.  Some of the women were mere children themselves and bullied into a corner by archaic family values, an industry out to make a buck off the sale of their baby and social workers and hospital workers alike who viewed them as less than human.

Some of us made the "choice" because there were few options left available, as you've read (i.e. not given all their options or told they only had one - surrender).  Some of us made the choice because of many other factors that broke us down and made us feel like we couldn't do it.  I wasn't a teen.  I wasn't even that young, really.  I was almost 29 and parenting another child.  My ex husband is the father of both girls.  Looking back, I realized that everything that led to my younger daughter's adoption was normal and would have passed over.  But by the time I realized that, it was too late.  There was no going back.  Legally, there was nothing I could do. 

I accept the fact that I fucked up and made a decision that was not in the best interest of my girls.  I accept the fact my fear and uncertainty led to losing her forever and scarring my other daughter for life.

It's all I can do. 

BE_U_T_XPRT
by Member on Apr. 25, 2013 at 9:18 PM
1 mom liked this

 As a pregnant teen I felt lost.  When my parents found out they were pissed and took me to an agency.  All my parents church friends came and lectured me about adoption.  The agency insisted on twice weekly visits and also group support with other girls getting the same "support" from the agency.  We were brain washed into beleiving we would not be good enough for our children.  We all placed because it was what God wanted us to do and it was how childless couples had babies when they were not physically able to themselves.  As a lost pregnant teenager with no support other than all the adults telling me what to do...what do you do?  Trust them and hope for the best.  Did I have doubts and try to get my baby back?  Oh yes!  But did they give me my baby back?  NOPE.  Agency tried to delay, told my parents to distract me so I can move on, everyone told me I would get over it and be able to do so much more with my life.  I was told I wouldn't get child support from the deadbeat dad and that I wouldn't be able to find another man to love my child.  I learned how to suppress my emotions and it is funny how my mother cannot put two and two together.  I felt I had no other options, either keep your baby and be poor on welfare for the rest of your life or give your baby to parents who really deserve to have a child but can't naturally. 

omm76002
by Member on Apr. 26, 2013 at 1:22 AM

Are you close to your family now? I wouldn't be! They distracted you because they asked them too? Ugh that whole thing is messed up! 

Quoting BE_U_T_XPRT:

 As a pregnant teen I felt lost.  When my parents found out they were pissed and took me to an agency.  All my parents church friends came and lectured me about adoption.  The agency insisted on twice weekly visits and also group support with other girls getting the same "support" from the agency.  We were brain washed into beleiving we would not be good enough for our children.  We all placed because it was what God wanted us to do and it was how childless couples had babies when they were not physically able to themselves.  As a lost pregnant teenager with no support other than all the adults telling me what to do...what do you do?  Trust them and hope for the best.  Did I have doubts and try to get my baby back?  Oh yes!  But did they give me my baby back?  NOPE.  Agency tried to delay, told my parents to distract me so I can move on, everyone told me I would get over it and be able to do so much more with my life.  I was told I wouldn't get child support from the deadbeat dad and that I wouldn't be able to find another man to love my child.  I learned how to suppress my emotions and it is funny how my mother cannot put two and two together.  I felt I had no other options, either keep your baby and be poor on welfare for the rest of your life or give your baby to parents who really deserve to have a child but can't naturally. 

 

BE_U_T_XPRT
by Member on Apr. 26, 2013 at 12:44 PM

 As close as I can be emotionally.  I learned how to stuff my feelings and am having a very difficult time working through learning new coping skills.  I haven't "addressed" my issues in relation to the adoption yet, it feels too much.  I hate having to go to family functions but I do. 

Quoting omm76002:

Are you close to your family now? I wouldn't be! They distracted you because they asked them too? Ugh that whole thing is messed up! 

Quoting BE_U_T_XPRT:

 As a pregnant teen I felt lost.  When my parents found out they were pissed and took me to an agency.  All my parents church friends came and lectured me about adoption.  The agency insisted on twice weekly visits and also group support with other girls getting the same "support" from the agency.  We were brain washed into beleiving we would not be good enough for our children.  We all placed because it was what God wanted us to do and it was how childless couples had babies when they were not physically able to themselves.  As a lost pregnant teenager with no support other than all the adults telling me what to do...what do you do?  Trust them and hope for the best.  Did I have doubts and try to get my baby back?  Oh yes!  But did they give me my baby back?  NOPE.  Agency tried to delay, told my parents to distract me so I can move on, everyone told me I would get over it and be able to do so much more with my life.  I was told I wouldn't get child support from the deadbeat dad and that I wouldn't be able to find another man to love my child.  I learned how to suppress my emotions and it is funny how my mother cannot put two and two together.  I felt I had no other options, either keep your baby and be poor on welfare for the rest of your life or give your baby to parents who really deserve to have a child but can't naturally. 

 

 

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