Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

Adoptees: Do I ask him?

Posted by on Apr. 6, 2014 at 10:22 PM
  • 19 Replies
  • 429 Total Views

My son turned nine on March 31st and his first mother did not call or text to wish him a Happy Birthday.  She has full and complete contact and access to him and things have been going well.  She came to his basketball games here recently, she's taken him to her house with his two little brothers for a few hours.  It all seemed perfectly fine.

My friends from this group who also know me on Facebook know that I posted an adorable new picture of him on his birthday and I tagged all of our family and his biological family (including "E" of course) and yet she didn't comment that she liked the picture or to please tell him Happy Birthday or....ANYTHING.

He is exceptionally bright and even if he weren't, WHO wouldn't notice that their mother didn't wish them a Happy Birthday???  My point is, that I KNOW he noticed but he's said nothing...

Do I ask him how he feels about it?  Cause from some of his behavior, attitudes and statements later in the week, it's pretty obvious SOMETHING is bothering him and since he had a nice birthday otherwise, I would "think" what's bothering him is her not calling...

But I'm going to be blunt:  I'm SCARED to ask him about it.  I was raised that we didn't talk about feelings.  I didn't see my mother cry until I was like 30.  You didn't show or talk about emotions.  (Consequently I am completely the opposite - I wear my heart on my sleeve and sometimes I'm a big crybaby.)

So I'm truly SCARED to ask him if he's upset because "E" didn't call him.  I'm afraid of what he'll say, I'm afraid of the expression on his little face, I'm afraid I'll cry and make things worse.  I'm afraid I won't know what to say to make him feel better.

HOWEVER.  I know that he NEEDS to get it out.  So I should ask him right?  Any suggestions?  Just come right out with it??  Beat around the bush and hint??

SIGH.

As nervous as I am to have the conversation with him, first and foremost I want him to be able to express his feelings.  Adoptees would you have wanted to talk about something like this when you were nine or would you have preferred your a-parents left you the hell alone about it? 

HELP.   :(  :(

by on Apr. 6, 2014 at 10:22 PM
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Replies (1-10):
2jeffsmom
by Bronze Member on Apr. 6, 2014 at 11:17 PM
1 mom liked this

I wish I knew the answer for you. I hope someone familiar with these feelings will respond for you. You sound like a very good, loving mom. I'm glad for your son that you show emotion. My son wasn't hugged, and I think he only realized it was something he missed during our times together. I hug and touch my kids. I wanted to touch my son to know he was really with me all the time, but restrained myself as much as possible.

onethentwins
by Gold Member on Apr. 6, 2014 at 11:18 PM
3 moms liked this

How about a message to E. "WTF bitch call your son and wish him a happy birthday for fucks sakes." Of course I know full well you would never do such a thing, but I bet you laughed at the idea though :D

I think if I were you I might be more direct. Instead of asking if anything is wrong, I might say something like, "I know E didn't call and wish you a happy birthday. That must have hurt your feelings huh?"

But why ask us. Why not go to the adoptee guru? nverrier@sterling.net

blessed3times
by Bronze Member on Apr. 6, 2014 at 11:25 PM
1 mom liked this

2jeffsmom - I wish you didn't feel you have to restrain yourself from being affectionate.  I'm sorry...That must be soooo tough.  On our end it's the opposite.  I am very affectionate and "E" is not.  She wasn't raised that way. And I'm pretty sure that strikes my son as odd.  His paternal grandparents that he's close to and stays with about four times a year are all over him (lol) and his paternal aunt too. He's always loved physical contact...

And thanks for your kind words.  I hope the ups and downs for adoption evens out for you, me and all of our friends here...

group hug

blessed3times
by Bronze Member on Apr. 7, 2014 at 12:06 AM

 

Quoting onethentwins:

How about a message to E. "WTF bitch call your son and wish him a happy birthday for fucks sakes." Of course I know full well you would never do such a thing, but I bet you laughed at the idea though :D

I forgot about the quote feature or I would have quoted on 2jeffsmom's message, but anyway...OTT you totally cracked me up - literally laughed out loud!  Thank you, I needed that.

I was very tempted to ask WTF? as you might imagine but then she would not only FREAK OUT she'd shut the door.  That's how she handles conflict.  A member of this group who wrote me privately a couple of years ago said that from descriptions she'd read of "E's" personality that it sounded as if "E" had Borderline Personality Disorder: 

"Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a mental health condition in which a person has long-term patterns of unstable or turbulent emotions. These inner experiences often result in impulsive actions and chaotic relationships with other people"

(That person is stll an active member in this group.  Hope she remembers telling me that cause I'd love some more advice on the subject!!!)

So her impulsive reaction would be to tell me to "F--- off" and that would be the end of that.  She has hot and cold relationships with a multitude of her relatives.  One month her younger sister is her buddy, the next month they're not speaking, same with father, same with grandmother...Doesn't speak to her mother at all - not that I blame her on that one.  Story for another day...

What I failed to mention was that she tried to have him spend the night with her and he was very excited about it and we told him to have a great time and we'd get him the next day.  Well he ended up crying to come home at about 10:30.  I told her not to take it personally and that we'd just try it again but from what I've learned about her quirks and idiosyncrasies, I think she's holding a grudge.  If in fact she has BPD, they don't handle rejection well and I'm sure she perceived it as rejection even though I told her he was probably just over tired.  (He'd played in two basketball games that day and is used to going to bed at about 8:30 and she lets her kids she's raising stay up till they drop and I think he was just exhausted...and when he's exhausted he gets emotional...don't we all??)

We didn't hear from her for a couple of weeks after that (that was around six weeks ago) - and then she came to his last basketball game.  She asked could he go with her.  Well he was set to leave for his paternal grandparents house the next morning at 6 am so I said maybe they could do it another time because he was going to have to get up so early and she lives far away and in opposite direction of the two and a half hour drive to meet grandparents. 

She was clearly offended that he would spend the night with grandparents but not her.  Had to remind her that he's been staying with them since he was three and that she herself had said that her two little ones were jumping all over him while he was there and driving him crazy.  So much so that she had to scream at them to stop.  At  his grandparent's house it's very CHILL and it's ALL about him generally.  Totally different atmosphere.

ANYWAY.  Sorry to ramble.  I'm very good at that.  I think she's mad.  AT A NINE YEAR OLD!!!

 

P.S.)  I keep forgetting Nancy Verrier as a resource and can't imagine she has the time or inclination to answer emails from complete strangers???  WOW!!

adopteeme
by Bronze Member on Apr. 7, 2014 at 4:40 AM
2 moms liked this
Hey D!
Good to see you around!

I'd hope there is an open adoption adoptee lurking here that will answer your question as to how they'd feel.
I grew up closed. It's all I knew. Nothing. And if you don't speak about it- it never happened and isn't real. So being left alone to figure out what's - what without any validation one way or the other can be soo very difficult. For a very good while in my life before reunion I struggled with myself considering is it true, or is it false without any sounding board or feedback. Sshh. :(

I really appreciate what you do for your son! I know it's not been easy...
I'm really wishy washy about all this, sorry. I'd want to protect my 9yo from hurting, too. But- making it disappear, and not speaking of it doesn't always work so well, either.

it's probably a good thing to give him lead-way to express himself. I like the way OTT framed the opening question. "I know E didn't call", "how do you feel about that?"

blessed3times
by Bronze Member on Apr. 7, 2014 at 7:50 AM

Hi adopteeme - good to see you too - missed you!

As I was reading what you wrote, your phrase "being left alone to figure out what's what" drug up a memory in me of when my parent's divorced.  My father explained it all as best he could (I was seven) but my mother never talked about it.  And of course she was who I lived with and I can still remember the stifling feeling of wishing I could talk about it and not being able to.

So I agree, I'm going to find a quiet time and frame the question the way OTT suggested.  Now the trick will be finding a quiet, private time with three boys.  Lol...

randi1978
by Bronze Member on Apr. 7, 2014 at 10:42 AM
1 mom liked this

I would approach it as OTT said.  Of course, I'm also in favor of going about it the more blunt and rude way as well, LOL.  Seriously.  I understand that your son's birthmother is not emotionally well and it also appears that she has her good moments, but how do you forget a birthday?

I'd approach your son in a roundabout way, just as OTT suggested.  See if that gets him to instigate further conversation.

onethentwins
by Gold Member on Apr. 7, 2014 at 11:29 AM
1 mom liked this


Quoting blessed3times:

 

P.S.)  I keep forgetting Nancy Verrier as a resource and can't imagine she has the time or inclination to answer emails from complete strangers???  WOW!!

Yes she does. I saw her last October and she said "I'm supposed to be retired but I end up replying to emails most of the day". I told her I'm always telling people to email her and she said "well they do." So yeah, she will answer you. 

So did you ask him? I think it's always a good thing to ask the men in our lives what's wrong as long as we don't try to fix them. Just let them feel and sympathize. 

blessed3times
by Bronze Member on Apr. 7, 2014 at 4:37 PM
Haven't asked him yet because I was at work when I wrote and then he's been in school today. Going to get my courage up and talk to him tonight though. Will keep you posted.
vampporcupine
by Silver Member on Apr. 7, 2014 at 7:25 PM

Good luck. It is hard to break the habit of not talking about emotions. I'm glad you are so strong for him. 

Quoting blessed3times: Haven't asked him yet because I was at work when I wrote and then he's been in school today. Going to get my courage up and talk to him tonight though. Will keep you posted.


Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

close Join now to connect to
other members!
Connect with Facebook or Sign Up Using Email

Already Joined? LOG IN