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I am not a Birthmom, but part of the birth family

Posted by on Jul. 20, 2014 at 11:19 AM
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Hi my name is Erika and I live in Tucson AZ. My younger sister, she is 27, is going to give her soon to be born baby son (due date in January) for adoption. I guess I am looking for support. I know this is her decision, but it has been tough so far. I told her I would like to be part of the process and to hear about my nephew as he grows up. I am hoping to meet him someday. 

Update: My sister is keeping her son and we are planning the baby shower. 

by on Jul. 20, 2014 at 11:19 AM
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Replies (1-10):
mrsary
by Member on Jul. 20, 2014 at 11:23 AM
Is this her 1st? It was hard for my family too.
erikadi
by New Member on Jul. 20, 2014 at 11:32 AM


Quoting mrsary: Is this her 1st? It was hard for my family too.

Yeah this is her first. She is still open to trying to have another child. She just wants this part of her life to be something she planned. I understand that. My husband and I were surprised when we became pregnant with our son. We are hoping that we will be more prepared if we have another child. I also understand how terrifying the prospect of being a single parent can be. I just hope I will one day be able to meet my nephew in person. I also hope to have a good relationship with the adoptive family. 

onethentwins
by Gold Member on Jul. 20, 2014 at 12:09 PM
2 moms liked this

I was 25 when I gave up my son, I understand what your sister is feeling.   What I didn't know, and what your sister doesn't know, is that giving up a baby for adoption doesn't stop you from becoming a mother.  The agency told me that the pain would be bad at first, but that it would go away in about 5 years, they didn't tell me it would come crashing back in the worse way once my son became an adult. They told me that my son would be better off, they didn't warn me about the abandonment and rejection issues adult adoptees have and how they are over-represented in therapy and 12-step programs. I had to learn all this the hard way, and if I knew then what I knew now, the pain and suffering is causes mother and child, I'd never have done it. 

Is there any practical help you can offer your sister so that she can raise your nepphew? Hand-me-downs, free daycare? Stuff like that? Would your mother help?  So many of us agree that if someone had said to us "come on, you can do it, we will help" that would have made all the difference and enabled us not to have to lose our children.  We here have also helped other mothers find the financial resources they needed, if that's an issue, we could do that for your sister. 

In case you're not able to help her, or if she's determined she doesn't want to parent him, are you going to go and see him in the hospital? Maybe you could be her birth coach.  You could always ask the adoptive parents if they would give him letters you could write to him, if they say no, you could write them anyway and have the adoption agency leave them in his file for when he's an adult. 

I'm so sorry you're facing this loss, I understand how helpless you must feel in this situation. hugs.

Denise X

P.S.  Check out this article. What you should KNOW if you're thinking about adoption for your baby. http://www.cubirthparents.org/docs/heather-lowes-booklet.pdf

vampporcupine
by Silver Member on Jul. 20, 2014 at 12:10 PM
2 moms liked this

I am sorry you sister is feeling that she isn't ready to parent her child. Please make sure that her and baby have private time without the interference of potential adopters or agencies. She will feel differently after she meets her baby but may feel obligated to give her baby to these strangers because of a relationship that may have built while she was pregnant. Make sure she knows this is her baby until she signs. Once she signs, it is very difficult to get her baby back even if there is a revocation period. 

Let her know she will still be a mother. Just one with empty arms and the adopters don't have to maintain an open agreement as the child is deemed legally theirs. 

drfink
by Silver Member on Jul. 20, 2014 at 3:42 PM
1 mom liked this

Several things your sister needs to know and sadly you too.As vamp said be prepared to know absolutely nothing about the baby till the baby is old enough and consents to knowing you. at 18 or older.Adoptive parents can close the adoption in a heartbeat for any and every reason they can think of including just because.She needs to understand that.

Being ready ...I waited years to have my next child ,several degrees ,a large house in a very good neighborhood ,housekeeper ,for the first month I had a newborn nanny but really you are never ready to be a parent it is all new no matter the age.Here is the twist though in the midst of my unmeasurable joy of having my son was the almost unbearable pain of the son that was adopted.My mind went back in forth ,my heart went back in forth ,Iwould cry from happiness and I would sob in pain.So there are those that would say I was more prepared with my first raised child but there was always pain lurking to interfere with the joy.

It is ready to bite.My oldest was a section (adopted) and 21 years later I had my youngest by section ,fourth of my raised children,I was awake and when they took him to the nurserey I started to panic ,he was gone ,I started to try to get off the table as they were working on me.They had to put me to sleep for awhile.I knew he was going home with me ,not worried ,but my body and mind remembered what had happened last time I had a section and took over the rational part of my brain.

She may be more ready but she will carry baggage forever.

I am in reunion with my oldest .I met him for the first time Dec 28 ,2012.He is wonderful ,independent ,self supporting ,educated gay man with a partner of six years.His adoptive parents refuse to acknowledge he is gay.Refuse to acknowledge his partner .Refuse to allow his partner in their presence and on and on.Refuse to accept him as being him .That is real ,that could happen to her child.

erikadi
by New Member on Jul. 24, 2014 at 11:45 AM
1 mom liked this

Thank you for your reply and support. I have told my sister that I would be willing to help take care of my nephew. My parents have also said they would help. I have talked to my husband about adopting the baby, but he said no. I think right now she is struggling because she is AA, but she has stayed sober since she is pregnant. The child's father has a child from another woman and they are having problems. He is having problems with depression and substance abuse. I don't think he is getting help and is having trouble holding down a job. I am not sure if the child looks like his Dad how that would be for her. We don't want this guy in our lives or my sister's, but we want the child in our lives so we are torn. My conversation with her when I first found out did not go as well as I wanted it to. I did let her know that even though I am married that I was not  prepared for my son since he was a surprise. I was scared and I had post partum depression, but now I am bonded with him. I have thought about placing him up for adoption since he is special needs and I don't know if someone could do better, but I could not bear to be parted from him. I did not tell her this because I didn't know how that news would be received. I think she is planning to talk with other birth moms. I told her of the people we know that she could talk to especially single moms so she can see it really can be done, but I don't think she ever wants them to find out or she does not want to risk having that conversation with them. She is planning on having a semi open adoption so she will have written correspondence and pictures and that she hopes that she will get to meet him in the future. She is going through a private agency I believe. I hope the agreement gets honored. At this point we are trying to take it one step at a time and we are trying to be supportive. She is at the part in the process where she will be looking at parent profiles. 

Quoting onethentwins:

I was 25 when I gave up my son, I understand what your sister is feeling.   What I didn't know, and what your sister doesn't know, is that giving up a baby for adoption doesn't stop you from becoming a mother.  The agency told me that the pain would be bad at first, but that it would go away in about 5 years, they didn't tell me it would come crashing back in the worse way once my son became an adult. They told me that my son would be better off, they didn't warn me about the abandonment and rejection issues adult adoptees have and how they are over-represented in therapy and 12-step programs. I had to learn all this the hard way, and if I knew then what I knew now, the pain and suffering is causes mother and child, I'd never have done it. 

Is there any practical help you can offer your sister so that she can raise your nepphew? Hand-me-downs, free daycare? Stuff like that? Would your mother help?  So many of us agree that if someone had said to us "come on, you can do it, we will help" that would have made all the difference and enabled us not to have to lose our children.  We here have also helped other mothers find the financial resources they needed, if that's an issue, we could do that for your sister. 

In case you're not able to help her, or if she's determined she doesn't want to parent him, are you going to go and see him in the hospital? Maybe you could be her birth coach.  You could always ask the adoptive parents if they would give him letters you could write to him, if they say no, you could write them anyway and have the adoption agency leave them in his file for when he's an adult. 

I'm so sorry you're facing this loss, I understand how helpless you must feel in this situation. hugs.

Denise X

P.S.  Check out this article. What you should KNOW if you're thinking about adoption for your baby. http://www.cubirthparents.org/docs/heather-lowes-booklet.pdf


erikadi
by New Member on Jul. 24, 2014 at 11:50 AM

It would probably be good for her to be able to have some private time with him and talk to him and tell him how she loves him and is really trying to do the best thing for him. She says she does not want to have option of being able to keep him. That is unfortunately true. I do hope though that for her sake and ours that they will keep to the agreement of the semi-open adoption. She is still thinking she wants another child just when she has her life more in order. I still hope to adopt one day and I would definitely honor the terms of the agreement. It is only fair since the birth family gave me such a precious gift. I do know as you say I can't speak for other adoptive parents and it is unfortunate that they would do that. 

Quoting vampporcupine:

I am sorry you sister is feeling that she isn't ready to parent her child. Please make sure that her and baby have private time without the interference of potential adopters or agencies. She will feel differently after she meets her baby but may feel obligated to give her baby to these strangers because of a relationship that may have built while she was pregnant. Make sure she knows this is her baby until she signs. Once she signs, it is very difficult to get her baby back even if there is a revocation period. 

Let her know she will still be a mother. Just one with empty arms and the adopters don't have to maintain an open agreement as the child is deemed legally theirs. 


erikadi
by New Member on Jul. 24, 2014 at 12:07 PM
1 mom liked this

You are right in this. One day I hope to adopt and I would definitely honor the agreement. The only thing I would think that would make me want to close it is if they were truly unsafe. I do know that other adoptive parents could be different. Unfortunately my sister does not really want to hear from me. Thankfully she is willing to talk to other birth moms and hopefully she takes every thing they say into consideration. I hope they will also have ideas in how she can cope and that she can keep in contact with other birth moms for support after the adoption and through life. I did tell her that you never really feel ready. I only have one child and he is 3, but over the course of being a mom I have felt like I have no idea what I am doing and am always worried whether or not I am doing things right. I don't know how she will handle things with her next child and questions about their sibling. Unfortunately life is so much of a mixed bag. Some people are raised by their biological parents have wonderful experiences or they like one parent over the other or one parent is distant to them. They may want to find their birth parents. They may not. Some have wonderful relationships with their adopted parents and others don't. It is times like these that I wish I could see the future and guarantee everything will turn out right. Unfortunately I know that even the miracles of science could bring that about. I am so sorry to hear about your son. It is horrible when you  and the person you love get rejected by not only society but also by his family. He is lucky to have you. 

Quoting drfink:

Several things your sister needs to know and sadly you too.As vamp said be prepared to know absolutely nothing about the baby till the baby is old enough and consents to knowing you. at 18 or older.Adoptive parents can close the adoption in a heartbeat for any and every reason they can think of including just because.She needs to understand that.

Being ready ...I waited years to have my next child ,several degrees ,a large house in a very good neighborhood ,housekeeper ,for the first month I had a newborn nanny but really you are never ready to be a parent it is all new no matter the age.Here is the twist though in the midst of my unmeasurable joy of having my son was the almost unbearable pain of the son that was adopted.My mind went back in forth ,my heart went back in forth ,Iwould cry from happiness and I would sob in pain.So there are those that would say I was more prepared with my first raised child but there was always pain lurking to interfere with the joy.

It is ready to bite.My oldest was a section (adopted) and 21 years later I had my youngest by section ,fourth of my raised children,I was awake and when they took him to the nurserey I started to panic ,he was gone ,I started to try to get off the table as they were working on me.They had to put me to sleep for awhile.I knew he was going home with me ,not worried ,but my body and mind remembered what had happened last time I had a section and took over the rational part of my brain.

She may be more ready but she will carry baggage forever.

I am in reunion with my oldest .I met him for the first time Dec 28 ,2012.He is wonderful ,independent ,self supporting ,educated gay man with a partner of six years.His adoptive parents refuse to acknowledge he is gay.Refuse to acknowledge his partner .Refuse to allow his partner in their presence and on and on.Refuse to accept him as being him .That is real ,that could happen to her child.


vampporcupine
by Silver Member on Jul. 24, 2014 at 1:56 PM

Please don't adopt. Babies belong with their mother, father or other natural family member if their mother or father are not willing or able to parent. The desire of another mother's baby is what fuels the adoption industry to continue to spread lies that adoption is win/win when it isn't. The only winner is the adopter. Consider fostering children without family instead as this serves the children instead of the potential adopter.

Quoting erikadi:

It would probably be good for her to be able to have some private time with him and talk to him and tell him how she loves him and is really trying to do the best thing for him. She says she does not want to have option of being able to keep him. That is unfortunately true. I do hope though that for her sake and ours that they will keep to the agreement of the semi-open adoption. She is still thinking she wants another child just when she has her life more in order. I still hope to adopt one day and I would definitely honor the terms of the agreement. It is only fair since the birth family gave me such a precious gift. I do know as you say I can't speak for other adoptive parents and it is unfortunate that they would do that. 

Quoting vampporcupine:

I am sorry you sister is feeling that she isn't ready to parent her child. Please make sure that her and baby have private time without the interference of potential adopters or agencies. She will feel differently after she meets her baby but may feel obligated to give her baby to these strangers because of a relationship that may have built while she was pregnant. Make sure she knows this is her baby until she signs. Once she signs, it is very difficult to get her baby back even if there is a revocation period. 

Let her know she will still be a mother. Just one with empty arms and the adopters don't have to maintain an open agreement as the child is deemed legally theirs. 


drfink
by Silver Member on Jul. 24, 2014 at 11:49 PM
1 mom liked this

Try to tell your sister to stay away from any birth mothers or birth mother groups that come via agencies or attys.Despite all their reassurances of fairness to both sides they are filtered by the agencies and attys after all when women choose to raise their child there are no massive fees to collect.

There is a woman that runs a group...this woman is associated with agency I was locked in 37 years ago.She land the agency lied to both my son and myself for 17 years when we looked for each other.She isn't pro what is truly best for mom and baby but PRO agency.

If she gets a group where everyone chirps happiness she needs to walk away ...think about it where in life is everything 100% perfect and happy.She needs to hear and listen to the hard rough side.She may after the adoption be happy or she may not.She deserves to know all sides because once revocation is over there is no going back.The happy bird chirping stories are every where ,she needs to know the horrid side also so she will be educated on all outcomes.

IF adoption is such a happy thing why do so many women keep all their children.Why isn't it every day common for bffs and sisters to give a kid to their infertile friends and siblings ....because it sucks.

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