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Reunion advice

Posted by on Feb. 23, 2015 at 5:58 PM
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Hello ladies. I have posted here in the past and I am back needing more advice. My oldest son is now 18 and we are heading into reunion very soon. I know the things I need to do when talking with him like being honest and such but what about other things. What situations did you face unexpectadly with your bio children and how did you handle them? What type of a relationship if any do you have with the a parents? Any advice for trying to talk to them? 

by on Feb. 23, 2015 at 5:58 PM
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onethentwins
by Gold Member on Feb. 23, 2015 at 10:15 PM

Wow so much.

First, I'm assuming you're a birth mother and not an adoptive mother. How do you know you're headed into reunion? I take it you didn't have an open adoption with your son then?

There's so many things I couldn't anticipate, and even if someone had told me I'm not sure how much it would have helped.  To begin with, the overwhelming grief and loss I felt when I held in my arms what i'd given away 18 years before.  How obsessed I was with my son.  Genetic Sexual Attraction!?!??! 

I had/have a great relationship with his aparents, they've been a wonderful resourse for me in reunion, as was his adoptive sister. 

I recommend reading and re-reading "Birthright: A guide to search and reunion for Adoptees, Birth Parents and Adoptive Parents" by Jean  A Strauss; "Synchronicity in Reunion: The Genetic Connection of Adoptees and Birth Parents" by LaVonne Stiffler and "The Primal Wound: Understanding the Adopted Child" by Nancy Verrier.  

You'll probably need a good therapist that specializes in Adoption and if possible a support group.  I have a group called Adoption Reunion, I advise reading all the sticky posts http://www.cafemom.com/group/14715/forums/236191/Sticky_Posts_Please_read

Best of luck to you.



drfink
by Silver Member on Feb. 23, 2015 at 11:49 PM
1 mom liked this

OTT has some excellent advice about  books ,therapy and group.

I will also add let your child set the pace.

I have a horrid relationship with his aparents.They think it is fine because I don't respond to her attacks.

My children I raised were 27 ,21 ,15 and 14 when we made contact in 2012..They all fully accepted each other .He was one of the groomsmen in my oldest wedding last year.He is definitely closer to my raised children than to me.I would like to be closer, it's painful but it is what it is and I'm grateful he is close to them...keeps me a part of everything.

Good luck !

2jeffsmom
by Bronze Member on Feb. 24, 2015 at 10:19 AM

Letting your son set the pace is excellant advise. It's really hard to do emotionally, but necessary to keep in your sons life. My son and I have gone through a lot of emotions. It takes a lot of time. Therapy is also very good advise. I used this group of ladies to lean on and "listen" to my thoughts. They have been more than wonderful! Being patient is so important. You can do this!

I'm very happy for you and wish you all the best! I hope you let us know how things go.

mammajen030407
by Member on Feb. 25, 2015 at 5:13 PM
We have become Facebook friends and he has said he wants to meet with all of us. Thank you all so much for your words of advice.
drfink
by Silver Member on Feb. 26, 2015 at 12:27 AM


Quoting mammajen030407: We have become Facebook friends and he has said he wants to meet with all of us. Thank you all so much for your words of advice.

Great news .

I read beforehand lots of info concerning the first face two face meeting ,little of it talked about all the siblings being there also .My oldest is eight years older than my oldest raised child,By the time we met all of them FB friended ,emailed and texted each other so there was no leaving them out.It went great ,he had traits they all had .He and my youngest are so similar it is amazing even though they are 21 years apart.They both love indie music and films and can talk for hours.Having the kiddos around is fascinating watching the similarities...they all were doing it also,

Something I never thought of....my oldest lives five hours away from the city where my self ,husband and three younger children live ,.My oldest I raised lives and works two hours away.When we started discussing meeting face two face with my son that was adopted it was discussed in his city ,my city and halfway.We kinda decided on all of us going to his city.I fretted had I been pushy.All four ...even the teens and my husband pointed out it was for the best for us to go there.If the meeting didn't go well I would have a support system ...them...on the five hour drive home.If he had come here ,he is single and was 35 ,he would have a long lonely drive back home by himself.As it was it went very well but that is something to keep in mind when setting the meet -up.Still let it be his final decision if possible,

Good luck.Keep us up to date .

mammajen030407
by Member on Mar. 1, 2015 at 7:38 PM
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Ok. So he is currently in boarding school and will be going on Spring break soon. He messaged me last night and would like to possibly meet on Friday! It is not set in stone but it is a thought! Holy Cow!

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