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Hi I am new :)

Posted by on Mar. 11, 2016 at 2:04 PM
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Hi I am not sure If this is the right group for me but thought I would give it a try. I am adopted, just recently found my birth family. I am looking for a support group. I have found this one for birth moms and one for adoptive parents but nothing for the adopted. LOL honestly a group that had all three parts of the equation would be fantastic. Is this group just for birth mothers?
by on Mar. 11, 2016 at 2:04 PM
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vampporcupine
by Silver Member on Mar. 11, 2016 at 6:38 PM
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This is a mothers support group however we have adoptees here too and the occasional amom. It's pretty hard to have a group that caters to all three as two of the sides have lost in the adoption equation with only one having gained from adoption. 

There are many adoptee bloggers and groups online. Have you just started to search some out or do you know about many of the different groups? 

Congratulations on finding your first family! You may experience many emotions you didn't know you had. I think anger is one of the more surprising ones for both mothers and adoptees to work through. Just remember that all relationships take work and you should be committed to work through the tough times as they come.

mommyof3COJ
by Member on Mar. 11, 2016 at 7:34 PM
Honestly I did not think about blogs... Great idea!
I started searching in late April and made contact with my BM Sep. 1st. We have been in contact since via letters an then phone calls. We live very close (one town over) and plan on meeting this month. I started my search for my BF late last month and discovered he has passed away. He had 5 other children though and I made contact with them. Just wanting to gain some insight on how to not hurt any feelings along the way. I have no anger towards my BM at all but I have read that's a common emotion.
vampporcupine
by Silver Member on Mar. 12, 2016 at 12:51 AM
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For your own consumption you would probably like lost daughters http://www.thelostdaughters.com. I would also suggest going to the research section of this group (you are now in discussions), you may find some good insights there. 

2jeffsmom
by Bronze Member on Mar. 12, 2016 at 2:34 AM

I'm so sorry you were not able to connect with your dad. How did it go with your siblings? Reunion can be an emotional rollercoaster. I hope for you, a long, loving relationship with your mom and siblings. There is enough love for all of you!

mommyof3COJ
by Member on Mar. 12, 2016 at 7:52 AM
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So far so good. I have had conversations (via FB messenger) with three of the 5. They have been very accepting and are really taking an interest in getting to know me. (I only found them two weeks ago so it's still very new)
Problem is I shared this info with my adoptive parents and it did not seem to go well. So I am meeting my dad in an hr. To discuss.

Quoting 2jeffsmom:

I'm so sorry you were not able to connect with your dad. How did it go with your siblings? Reunion can be an emotional rollercoaster. I hope for you, a long, loving relationship with your mom and siblings. There is enough love for all of you!

vampporcupine
by Silver Member on Mar. 12, 2016 at 2:00 PM
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Many adoptees choose not to share their reunion with the adoptive parents. Truly it is none of their business who you have relationships with and they should have realized that when adopting another mothers child, that child has two families forever. Do what is right for you and don't let anyone put pressure on you because their feelings might be hurt. I'm sorry you are being put in this position. You are not a possession.

Quoting mommyof3COJ: So far so good. I have had conversations (via FB messenger) with three of the 5. They have been very accepting and are really taking an interest in getting to know me. (I only found them two weeks ago so it's still very new) Problem is I shared this info with my adoptive parents and it did not seem to go well. So I am meeting my dad in an hr. To discuss.
Quoting 2jeffsmom:

I'm so sorry you were not able to connect with your dad. How did it go with your siblings? Reunion can be an emotional rollercoaster. I hope for you, a long, loving relationship with your mom and siblings. There is enough love for all of you!


onethentwins
by Gold Member on Mar. 12, 2016 at 8:47 PM
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Here's a group I started called Adoption Reunion which has both Birthmothers and Adoptees, although a lot of them are here in this group too http://www.cafemom.com/group/14715.   Cafemom as a whole is not nearly as active as it was 5 or 6 years ago, but if you read some of the reunion posts you get a lot of perspective from other peoples reunion experiences. 

There's a couple of books I highly recommend on reunion: "Birthright: a guide to search and reunion for Adoptees, Birth Parents and Adoptive Parents" by Jean A Strauss, and 'Synchronicity in Reunion: The Genetic connection of adoptees  and birthparents" by LaVonne Stiffler.  Both authors are adoptees.

onethentwins
by Gold Member on Mar. 12, 2016 at 8:55 PM
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Quoting mommyof3COJ: Honestly I did not think about blogs... Great idea! I started searching in late April and made contact with my BM Sep. 1st. We have been in contact since via letters an then phone calls. We live very close (one town over) and plan on meeting this month. I started my search for my BF late last month and discovered he has passed away. He had 5 other children though and I made contact with them. Just wanting to gain some insight on how to not hurt any feelings along the way. I have no anger towards my BM at all but I have read that's a common emotion.

Congratulations on your reunion, it sounds like you were pretty lucky in that you found her so fast, and that you're so close.  I'm so sorry about the loss of your father. 

As far as hurting feelings, I think that one common mistake adoptees make towards their birthmothers is to thank them.  We don't want to be thanked for not aborting you because for many of us for one reason or another it wasn't an option. We also don't want to be thanked for "giving you a better life".


onethentwins
by Gold Member on Mar. 12, 2016 at 9:10 PM
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I'm guessing you've already had this meeting and my comment it a little late, but here goes.  Adoption Reunion can be very threatening for Adoptive Parents.  You know you love them and that they have no reason to feel threatened, but it's different from their perspective.  One thing I do know, that almost always, when adoptees and birthparents reunite, it almost always strengthens the relationship between adoptees and their adoptive parents. 

Adoptees in reunion often struggle with loyalty issues, sometimes even when both their birthparents and adoptive parents get along.  The thing for you to remember is that when your birth and adoptive parents made their adoption plan for your life, you didn't get a vote.  Your adoptive parents know their birth family, so does your birth family, YOU have a right to have a relationship with your birth family if you want it too. 

Quoting mommyof3COJ:  Problem is I shared this info with my adoptive parents and it did not seem to go well. So I am meeting my dad in an hr. To discuss.

adopteeme
by Bronze Member on Mar. 13, 2016 at 4:21 AM
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Hoping OP comes back today with news that her AP's are supportive of her reunion.

X-Ing my fingers and toes for you mommyof3COJ
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