Birthmother Rights

[Southernroots]

This question keeps coming up and I want to make it clear that birth mothers have NO rights.  After they have relinquished their babies and signed legal documents, they legally have no control over anything that happens to their child.

On the other hand,  expectant mothers or new mothers who have not signed relinquishment papers, have the same rights as ALL mothers. Mothers who are considering adoption for their children are NOT birth mothers. They need to be aware that they can control everything that happens to their baby in the hospital, etc. as long as they are the legal parent.

I keep hearing moms say that the adoptive mom "let" them spend time with their babies in the hospital. However, new moms, even those considering placement for their babies, have total control, unless they let others take control.  Adoption agency workers. lawyers and others apparently try to take control.....however, they are NOT entitled to control the situation. They get away with so much, however, because moms do not understand the legalities.

The minute a women signs any adoption papers, final or not, she is in jeopardy of losing her child forever. Once any paperwork is signed, it is nearly impossible for a mom to get her child back. It is extremely rare....even in states where they are windows to change your mind...for a mom to get her baby back.

The lesson in this is to never sign anything unless you are 100% certain after your child is born and several weeks (at least) have passed. Worried that you won't find parents for your child? There is an abundance of paps prepared to take a child at a minute's notice. There is NO shortage of paps wanting newborns....in fact, there is a high demand for newborns.

[stillamom1213]

Thank you for saying this. The truth must come out. You can never say this too many times. Promises are broken and unenforceable. We must teach the new ones, considering this option what lie ahead, so they are informed. You do a great service with your message.-Hugs-beth

[samanthac1220]

I very recently gave my son up for adoption. The agency I used didn't even show me paper work till after he was born. I choose to sign the papers the day after he was born, but my caseworker asked me repeatedly if I was truely ready, that I didn't have to sign anything right away. I am new to this group and I have been reading different posts about how much trouble moms are having with agencys. Mine was wondeful, my caseworker is like a friend to me and the family I picked is so great. I have a semi open adoption. I completly agree that once you sign the papers you have no rights, but you have complete control before, so please ask questions and be comfortable before you do anything it will make the whole situation much easier.

[lisafdoula]

You should make this post a sticky.  It's sooo important and that will be the first place that new moms will be looking.  Lets save some more babies!!! (and their mothers!)

[minky71]

Well said! I hope it saves some grief for some mother down the road!

[bellasmomma1]

I don't have any rights unless I am the child's parent, if I relinquish my child, I am no longer the parent. But, as a parent, if I am to make an adoption plan for my child I have lots of choices and control, and parental rights until I choose to terminate those rights. For instance, I can choose to parent. I can choose to make an adoption plan. If I choose adoption, I have control to make that choice, or not make it. I have the choice to choose a private agency adoption, relinquish to the state, or to choose a private adoption between myself and the attorney. If I choose adoption, I can also choose what kind of family I want: race, finances, lifestyle, other children in the home already or for mine to be the first. I can also choose methodist, baptist or whatever religion I want for my said child. I can also choose no contact, I can choose meetings with my baby, I can choose how often I want to receive pictures and how often I want the meetings. I can choose to name the baby, and have the baby's name on the original birth certificate, although the parents who adopt the baby will also get to name their child, there are many who agree together on a name, so I can still even help pick out a name. I also can choose to ask the adoptive couple to be at the hospital, or not, I can see my  said baby or not, I can hold onto bitterness, or I can learn to let go. I can make all kinds of choices to love my said baby and do what is best for it, for my love for them, not for me. It is my choice and if I were to choose adoption, it would be my choice. If I let go, it would be my choice. If I choose to let go and surrender my parental rights, I understand fully that I no longer have the rights to that child, but that out of love and gratitude a lot of families who adopt and the family I'd choose to adopt said baby would then make a covenant with me that I would have already established to see my birth child and be a part of their growing up. Adoption is in the bible with Moses, & in Samuel with Hannah placing Samuel with Eli at the age of weaning (which was 3 yrs back then), and their are many famous adoptee's and many successful adoptions. So, to say one adoption is bad, all are bad is not fair as it would not be fair to say everyone who makes an adoption plan for thei baby is going to be happy about it. It is the hardest time, a hard thing to go through, the pain and missing the child and the feeling of loss in tremendous. The feeling of love for the child is mostl always there. However, getting to be a part of the child's life and see them can bring about tremendous healing and unity. It is important to understand the good sides of adoption, and remember, it is what is best for the child that is important. Wherever that might be.

 

[onethentwins]

 

Quoting bellasmomma1:

I don't have any rights unless I am the child's parent, if I relinquish my child, I am no longer the parent.

This is the entire point of her post. Mothers have rights. Birth mothers have none.

 

[onethentwins]

Quoting bellasmomma1:

 It is the hardest time, a hard thing to go through, the pain and missing the child and the feeling of loss in tremendous. The feeling of love for the child is mostl always there.

Unless you are a birth mother there is no way you can know how it feels to lose a child to adoption anymore than I can know how infertility loss feels.

[JoesGirl]

Thank you southernroots for the excellent post.  I agree it should be a sticky!

Quoting bellasmomma1:

... If I choose adoption, I can also choose what kind of family I want: race, finances, lifestyle, other children in the home already or for mine to be the first. I can also choose methodist, baptist or whatever religion I want for my said child. I can also choose no contact, I can choose meetings with my baby, I can choose how often I want to receive pictures and how often I want the meetings. I can choose to name the baby, and have the baby's name on the original birth certificate, although the parents who adopt the baby will also get to name their child, there are many who agree together on a name, so I can still even help pick out a name. I ...

 

This is where Southernroots is clarifying... an expectant mom may CHOOSE these things... religion, contact, pictures.  But the reality is that there is nothing to guarantee or enforce those 'promises'.    To choose a married couple does not guarantee they will stay married to each other throughout the child's life.  Just because you choose that you want pictures, does not mean you'll get them.  80% of adoptions close.  So you're not 'choosing' you're taking a gamble and hoping - period, that's it.

Quoting bellasmomma1:

...

, I understand fully that I no longer have the rights to that child,

This totally contradicts what you wrote in paragraphs above about choosing.

 

Quoting bellasmomma1:

...

Adoption is in the bible

 

So is murder

rape

adultry

maiming and dismembering of human bodies

murder of children

Much of the Bible is a snapshot of human history...the good bad and the ugly.  Just because "it's in the Bible" does not mean God endorses it the way Americans think He does.

 

Quoting bellasmomma1:

So, to say one adoption is bad, all are bad is not fair as it would not be fair to say everyone who makes an adoption plan for thei baby is going to be happy about it. It is the hardest time, a hard thing to go through, the pain and missing the child and the feeling of loss in tremendous. The feeling of love for the child is mostl always there. However, getting to be a part of the child's life and see them can bring about tremendous healing and unity. It is important to understand the good sides of adoption, and remember, it is what is best for the child that is important. Wherever that might be.

 

The point of this thread was not saying adoption is good or bad - it is to clarify the reality

that if a mother chooses to sign away her rights - they are ALL  gone FOREVER.

[PortAngeles1969]

Quoting bellasmomma1:

Adoption is in the bible with Moses, & in Samuel with Hannah placing Samuel with Eli at the age of weaning (which was 3 yrs back then), and their are many famous adoptee's and many successful adoptions. So, to say one adoption is bad, all are bad is not fair as it would not be fair to say everyone who makes an adoption plan for thei baby is going to be happy about it.

Respectfully, as one who is a faith walking Christian, may I ask that the references to adoption being in the bible be carefully thought through as to how they come across to the audience you have here - women who have relinquished their children.

The two examples you cite have little to do with the situations which many of these mothers have faced.

Moses' mother did not voluntarily place him with the princess of Egypt. She put him in a basket in a river not knowing his fate, knowing that if he stayed with her he would surely be killed. And Moses was returned to her care - it was the legal protection and affiliation with the royal family that allowed this mother and child to be together (not apart).

Eli was not seeking to adopt Samuel - nor was Hannah seeking a subsitute parent for her child. This story was not about Eli as a substitute parent for a mother who did not believe she could care for her child. This is a story about Got calling a child into a particular place to be used by Him.

You may want to closely read the group guidelines for posting as the primary focus of this group is to support women who have relinquished.  There is a fine line between supporting and patronizing.  Bringing religion into the mix often can be like rubbing salt in the wounds - even if that was not your intent.

Please feel free to PM me if you would like (I am an administrator of this group) or the group owner and other administrator.

[juliesmom818]

 

         southernroot's what you have said is so true..the bottom line ladies is when you sign the paper's to place your baby for adoption for any reason.the baby is NO LONGER YOUR'S PERIOD..you have no right's what so where to the baby.. and yes there are a lot of  promise's that are made. but the adoptive parent's can change there mind at any time, about having you in live's, picture's etc  and there's not a darn thing you can do about it...  i have been a member of this group for almost a year now.i have learned so much from other's that are in this group.  if there is one thing i could / would say to a mother who is thinking about placing her baby for adoption  please, please make sure this is what you what. it will be a choice that you make that will last a life time and it will affect your live's forever.

                      birthmom's have NO RIGHT'S PERIOD!!!