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I need opinions!

Posted by on Dec. 15, 2008 at 3:04 PM
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I just went to visit my son.  He is so beautiful and doing great. he is clapping and waving and just the sweetest little boy.  My first question for you all is... is is possible for him to kind of remember me? My friend said when I was holding him, she could see this little light in his eyes, he kept looking at me whenever I would say something.  My mom said it could be that he remembers my voice from pregnancy.  Is this possible??

My second question is...  I am considering moving to Portland, Oregon where my sister lives.  I have wanted to move there for a long time and in the next couple of months it seems like it could really work out and I could afford it.  BUT... I wouldn't be able to see my son as much and it costs so much to fly home :(

What should I do??? I guess i am looking for the next step in my life and there are so many things that are holding me back or changing my plan.  I am lost.

Thanks for your advice ahead of time.

by on Dec. 15, 2008 at 3:04 PM
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by Group Admin on Dec. 15, 2008 at 4:02 PM

Yes, I think it is entirely possible.  I remember reading an article a while back that babies can recognize their mother's voices in utero.  Children and mothers often have many different kinds of ties to each other....even when their bonds are broken by adoption, they often feel a kinship with each other.

As for whether to move or not, you have to search your heart and mind and make your decision based on what will be best for you (and your son) in the long term. No one can predict the future and it is difficult to gauge how certain choices we make will affect us later.  Do you feel as though you NEED to get away and think moving far away will help you resume your life in a better way? Maybe it will, maybe not. Moving doesn't resolve our problems, but we end up trading one set of issues for another.  Our issues as birth moms tend to follow us wherever we go as well. Will you regret seeing your son less? Maybe not immediately, but years down the road? These are just a few things you need to consider.

Plus, if you move away now, will the aparents continue to allow visits? Or, might they use your leaving as a excuse to discontinue contact altogether? If you move away, you may lose the ability to develop a meaningful relationship with your son.  Will a move be worth that? It is a big decision, and I think you need to carefully consider your decision from all angles.

by Bronze Member on Dec. 15, 2008 at 10:17 PM

I agree that it is very possible for there to be a bond and connection even when separated.  My son has talked (to his girlfriend who told me what he said) about feeling a mother son bond between us. 

As for moving, I would really think are you moving to or moving from something?  What are the motives?  What are the open adoption arrangements you have now and how would they differ?

Speaking ONLY for myself.  I had to make that choice once.  I had the chance to go to a specialized graduate program several states away.  I chose to stay even when I didn't have an open arrangement.  I always thought that if I went away I may never come back and then we would be in two very different places.  I always planned on reunifying.  I am lucky that it happened.  I am now very glad I stayed.  We are close to each other and when either of us talk about "places" or anything local, we both really KNOW what the other is talking about and if makes us feel just a little closer.  I can't imagine if he talked about places and events that I knew nothing of or vice verse.  Just my own little thoughts.  It is not my place to sway you or anyone.  I just think that if we each give our own piece of the story that it helps us all figure out our own stuff by giving us things to think about.

Whatever you decide, we will all be here for you.  Keep us posted and good luck!

Mother of 3, raised 2 - I lost my son to adoption June 1989.  I gave up my right to parent him; I kept my right to love him!.  Reunited with my son 8/13/07.  In his eyes, I may or may not ever be his mom, but he will always be my son. 

Favorite Quote:  "Love is infinite; you can always make more when you need it" - Twitches, Disney Channel Movie

by Member on Dec. 16, 2008 at 3:34 AM
As cliche as this may sound, follow your heart. If you feel a deep longing to be near your son staying put may be the right option, whereas if you feel a desire to get away and "start over" so to speak moving may be the choice. Do what's best for YOU. If you feel you're ready to leave... open your wings and fly! Don't let the adoption hold you back from pursuing your dreams. I agree with Southernroots... you need to think long and hard about this decision. But remember, moving is never 100% permanent, you could always move back if things don't work out. Would you rather regret going and have it not turn out as you had wanted and having to make the trip back... or would you regret not taking a chance to experience something new and different? PS- It's VERY possible he remembers you. I've read many reports on it and many do conclude that a child will never forget the sound of their mothers voice. As infants, they never forget our smell, our voice, and our heartbeat. :) I'm very sure he remembers you.
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