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I have a question about my birthdaughter and I NEED advice. Sorry its so long.

Posted by on Dec. 17, 2008 at 9:03 AM
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My birthdaughter is just a tad over 17 months. I have seen her all of 3 times since leaving the hospital that day back in July. Oh how I miss her.

Her parents are wonderful people and no matter what I know that they will always love her and she will always be happy and cared for the way I just couldnt at that time.

They used to email me about twice a month and I would get pics about every 2-3 months.

Well they have decieded to end all that and to stick to the agreement which was one set of pic a yr and our one visit yr. Now they have agreed to send me pics twice a year. I am truly grateful that I will still get those. Pending really, I should get my first send this Jan. We will see.

I am hurt that the relationship that they lead me to believe that we would have is now gone. I wanted to be a friend and not just their daughters birthmother. If that makes any sense.

So anyway, my question is this:  I was thinking about making a home video of my oldest daughter and I sending messages. And just letting the know how things are going. I dont know what toy she would want or need. Not they she would need anything because I know she has everything. But would this be a bad idea?

I have since found out that I am expecting again by the same man and I wanted to tell them but I am sooooo afraid that it will be for the bad and not be a good reaction. I dont want what I do have taken away from me because I am pregnant again by the same man. Yes he did me wrong and didnt do anything he was suppose to with her, but when we got back together he admitted to me that it is just as hard for him as it was and is for me and they way for him to have dealt with it was to walk away. Now with this baby its sooooooo different. I cant guarantee he will stay around for this one in the future or not. No one is promised tomorrow. However, I know that things are different and I am just scared that the aparents will be pissed for whatever reasons and cut off all ties.

Do I tell them that I am pregnant? I am suppose to see them in June for our visit. The baby is due at the end of May. Do I just show up with this baby in tow?

GRRRR Im so confused right now. I just miss my baby girl. Im sad that the contact has been cut but I hold hope that in time it will all be reopened.

Advice???

TabithaFinished.gif picture by motherof4and2

by on Dec. 17, 2008 at 9:03 AM
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Replies (1-7):
stillamom1213
by on Dec. 17, 2008 at 9:30 AM

Congratulations on the new baby coming! I hope it all goes well for you.

This is a tough one. They have already started to back away, and may just be looking for a reason to cut ties. I would not tell them anything yet. Get those pictures! I believe in honesty. Lying is never good for either side. It scares me that they are already changing things with you. This could difinetly push them over the edge. The video idea is nice, but again, it might freak them out. Now, Your daughter has a full birth sibling on the way, and they both have have rights. While the apaps might think they can get rid you, the new baby might put a damper on that. You never know how people are going to respond. I look forward to what some of the wise sisters will advise.

I wish all of the best wishes in the world! I know you will have a lot of mixed emotions and this won't be easy for you. We'll be here for you.((Hugs))

onethentwins
by Gold Member on Dec. 17, 2008 at 12:52 PM

Them knowing you're pregnant could have the opposite effect of what you're afraid of. They may be relieved and think that the new one will take your focus of their daughter. After All that's the myth; That we'll move on and have children "of our own" to replace the one we lost.

Be honest about the pregnancy and congrats.

stillamom1213
by on Dec. 17, 2008 at 1:37 PM

 Listen to her. Just one of the wise sisters I was talking about. Best of luck! She knows what she is talking about!

MAEVE110
by Member on Dec. 18, 2008 at 4:41 PM

Jeez . . . . This is a tough one.  I, too, do not believe in lying but just not telling them is not truly a lie.  You can take the position that this is part of YOUR life and you don't have to tell all.  I just fear for the way aparents and society in general look at us natural moms and many tell their achildren that they (the aparents) saved them from a life of drug and sex abuse.  Who knows?  I think I would be tempted to wait until your achild is older - perhaps even a teenager - to tell her yourself.  This is just an opinion but I would err on the side of safety (or what feels like safety to me).

I agree with the sister who said that it is not good that they are pulling away already.  This could be their excuse to cut all ties.  Good luck to you and God bless.  Maeve 

PortAngeles1969
by Group Owner on Dec. 18, 2008 at 8:07 PM

I also tend to agree with the advice Onethentwins offered.

There is so much energy that goes into "not telling the truth" or having to act in a way that is different than you really desire to act.

I always try to play the "what's the worst case scenario" game when it comes to stuff like this. I've found when I've been anxious about how to handle something with the adoptive family of my daughter - or even with her as we are in reunion I try to come up with the absolute worst thing that could happen.

Sometimes denying ourselves over and over hurts us more than doing what we feel in our hearts is right and having people react poorly (but maybe that's just me).

Also, your new child (congrats) has every right to know about her full sibling even though she was adopted - the decisions you make now can lay the foundation for how you honor your firstborn and her relationship to your secondborn (even if the adoptive parents react poorly).

Much love to you - please tell us how your pregancy and birth go!

 

PortAngeles1969 


Group Owner: Adoption http://www.cafemom.com/group/adoption  

Group Administrator: Birthmoms http://www.cafemom.com/group/birthmoms

snowwillow
by Member on Dec. 19, 2008 at 11:55 AM

They really don't need to know you are pregnant yet.

I agree that lies are not good, but like one poster said they may think this new baby will take the focus off your/their daughter. It seems like they are trying to back out of the open adoption, this is very sad.

If you want to make a video, make it and put it away until you reunite (make many of them), I think a video would freak the aparents out too and your daughter is too young to understand, but she will appreciate it when she is older, also start a journal and a picture album for her. I wish I would have thought to do all these things for my daughter but we were told to go home and forget and just get over it.

I recently made my daughter a picture album of her greatgrandparents, grandparents etc. I did NOT put pics of happy family events that she had missed, but made copies greatgranpa silver star certificate and just old stuff. She loved it.

My daughter will be 37 in Jan and I have been in reunion since 2001

summerleigh
by Member on Dec. 19, 2008 at 4:49 PM

There are almost 3 yrs. in between my 1st and 2nd sons. I never told the aparents that I was pregnant again because I feared that they would want the new baby too and I just couldn't have handled that. I can't say if it was right or not but that's what I did. I say tell them when you're ready. I don't know how far along you are, but many women wait til 4 mos to tell people anyway.

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