Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

Question for Birth Moms....

Posted by on Jan. 21, 2009 at 8:40 PM
  • 10 Replies
  • 355 Total Views

When I adopted my great niece it was a privit adoption where we had what we wanted in the paper work. There was none of this mess with a agency telling the moms lie's just to get her to sign the adoption papers. I have it in the paper's saying birth mom and dad can come see the baby. They can come any time, not just for birthdays or Christmas.

Well my problem is this. They will not come see her at all. She is 3 years old now and they have never even came to her birthday parties even before we adopted her.

My question is this How can I get them to come see her? I have begged them to come see her. I have had them to call and say they are coming on such & such date and time and me tell them I will cook dinner or we will cook out or what ever. But when it comes to the date and time they never show up. I have even told them i would bring her to see them and the same thing happens, if we show up they are not there. They always have some kind of reason not to see her, or they will say they forgot we where coming.

She has not seen her birth mom since March of 08, and has not seen her bio-dad since Nov. 2008. I just do not know what to do. She is getting older and she knows she is adopted. When we go to Wal-mart she will ask me if they will be in there and I have to tell her I do not know. And she will look and look when we are in there trying to see if she sees them. The few time's she has seen them we were always at Wal-Mart. I have to run them down. They see us but they act as if they do not want me to see them.

I just do not undersatnd this and hope someone can help me out with this.

Angie

by on Jan. 21, 2009 at 8:40 PM
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Replies (1-10):
Southernroots
by Group Admin on Jan. 21, 2009 at 9:47 PM

Since I don't know your daughter's birth parents personally, I can only guess at why they are not taking advantage of your generosity in encouraging visits.  All birth parents handle the loss of their children in different ways.  Many birth moms desperately want contact with their children and are denied the opportunity.  However, having regular contact with a relinquished child can also be a painful reminder/experience for birth parents. Birth parents are often told that no contact is better for everyone. Seeing their child being raised by someone else is extremely difficult for many birth parents, and they may believe that they can move on with their lives better without contact.  Of course, what they may not realize is that contact with their child could be helpful for their child. Plus, whether birth parents see their child or not, moving on their lives is often extremely difficult. I don't think not seeing your child generally helps in that regard. 

However, although it is wonderful that you offer contact, you cannot force your child's birth parents to show up for visits.  I am guessing that they do not understand or appreciate the fact that they have anything to offer your daughter. About the only thing I can think of might be to try to educate them about how valuable their presence might be in their/your daughter's life. 

breezy2005
by Member on Jan. 22, 2009 at 8:12 AM

I think what hurts me the most is that my nephew knows just how this feels to a child because the same thing happen with him when he was only 4 years old. He knows all the hurt when your mom walks away. My brother raised him by his self until he was grown. Now her mom lost her mother when she was 15 years old. Her mother passed away from using drugs. So I do know they understand the hurt of not having there own mother's in their life.

I am just scared that Brianna will have a lot of problems later in life with the fact knowing they would not have anything to do with her.

Angie

Quoting Southernroots:

 

Since I don't know your daughter's birth parents personally, I can only guess at why they are not taking advantage of your generosity in encouraging visits.  All birth parents handle the loss of their children in different ways.  Many birth moms desperately want contact with their children and are denied the opportunity.  However, having regular contact with a relinquished child can also be a painful reminder/experience for birth parents. Birth parents are often told that no contact is better for everyone. Seeing their child being raised by someone else is extremely difficult for many birth parents, and they may believe that they can move on with their lives better without contact.  Of course, what they may not realize is that contact with their child could be helpful for their child. Plus, whether birth parents see their child or not, moving on their lives is often extremely difficult. I don't think not seeing your child generally helps in that regard. 

However, although it is wonderful that you offer contact, you cannot force your child's birth parents to show up for visits.  I am guessing that they do not understand or appreciate the fact that they have anything to offer your daughter. About the only thing I can think of might be to try to educate them about how valuable their presence might be in their/your daughter's life. 


Jacemom
by Member on Jan. 22, 2009 at 9:05 AM

Angie,I am so sorry that your little girls parents are fighting so hard to stay away from her. I think that this is sad. I do not have any advice to give you except to continue doing what you are doing for Brianna's best interest. Maybe one day they will realize what they are missing out on. I know there are many of us birthmothers that would cut off a arm to get the opportunity to spend time wit our child. You are a great mom and she is very luck y to have you.

breezy2005
by Member on Jan. 22, 2009 at 11:08 AM

Thank You so much for your words. I know I read all these post about moms who have gave there babies up for adoption to only find out later that the a-parents close the adoption once it is over just to get the mother to sign the papers. it kills me to read this. I know there are so many birth moms who would do anything just to see a picture of their baby. And then you have the parents like I have who have the chance to stay in the life of their baby and they will not even try. I just want what is best for Brianna.

Angie

Quoting Jacemom:

Angie,I am so sorry that your little girls parents are fighting so hard to stay away from her. I think that this is sad. I do not have any advice to give you except to continue doing what you are doing for Brianna's best interest. Maybe one day they will realize what they are missing out on. I know there are many of us birthmothers that would cut off a arm to get the opportunity to spend time wit our child. You are a great mom and she is very luck y to have you.


cellista
by Member on Jan. 22, 2009 at 11:11 AM

I am  the adoptive mother of 2 little girls aged almost 4 and almost 5, and am having a somewhat similar experience with their BM's.  Our agreement was that I would write letters and send photos, which I have done. Long, long, heartfelt letters.  One of the BM's doesn't respond, but that's OK:  I spent a great deal of time with her before she gave birth, and I am pretty certain she is at peace with her decision.  Her/my daughter's conception took place in extremely painful circumstances (she was in a cult  which she's since left, and was forced to marry the birthfather before she managed to escape), and she is only 20 yrs old and already has two small children

My eldest daughter's BM, however, is a different story.  She has moved away and left no forwarding address, so my letters and photos just sit in a file at the adoption agency.  It is very, very hard to keep on communicating in a meaningful way with someone who isn't even reading the letters - but I want to keep writing in case she changes her mind later on, so she has the letters and can see that I care.  When I met her, a few days after my daughter was placed with me (she left her in the hospital and never held her, so this was the first time she saw her), she said she felt like she had 'gained a family'.  And so did I.  But then she disappeared.  My partner can't understand why this situation bothers me and tells me she has simply 'moved on'- but truly not a day goes by without my thinking about her and wondering how she is feeling.  Perhaps this is because I know her own mother lives very close by - just a few blocks away.  I am often tempted to try to get in touch with the mother (who adopted my daughter's BM in a closed adoption, by the way) - but I think that would be intrusive.

I only hope that if/when my daughter wants to try to contact her BM, we'll be able to find her, and she'll be open to some contact.  Even though I am raising my daughter, and she clearly cannot be raised by two different families,  I feel like I need and want both her and me to have some contact with her BM - because she is so much part of who she is.

That's my vent as an adoptive mom

onethentwins
by Gold Member on Jan. 22, 2009 at 1:33 PM

Since they don't want to see her in person could you try  to encourage them to write letters and send pictures to her instead? Have you sent them pictures?

Maybe you could find a book that talks about how much adoptees benefit from contact with their birth parents; open adoption. I wouldn't suggest "primal wound" because it's such a hard truth for birth parents, but maybe something a little kinder. Anyone have a suggestion?

Have you tried talking to your niece's parents?  Maybe they can help. Does your daughter get to see them at least?

I feel so bad for your little girl :(

 


Owner Adoption Reunion Group http://www.cafemom.com/group/14715
Co-Owner Infant Adoption Group http://www.cafemom.com/group/39118

tabr0wn
by Member on Jan. 22, 2009 at 2:01 PM

From personal experience I can tell you that it is extremely painful to relinquish a child. As much as I would have loved to watch my daughter grow up, it would have been very hard not to want more. I would have wanted to snatch her back and run, or at the very least go back to court and try to get her back. I couldn't have just watched someone else raise the child I wished I could have raised myself. It would have tore me apart.  As it is I morned for her for 21 years before I found her and I still feel the loss of those years and the loss of the family closeness she shared with her aparents.

My advice would be to not keep worrying about it or talking about it to your child. Let her have a normal childhood without reminders and feelings of rejection from her birth family. It's only going to make her wonder whats wrong with her that they don't want her or want to see her.  I would just forget about the birth parents and enjoy your daughter.  There will be time for questions and even therapy if needed when she hits her teens and is trying to discover who she is.  She's just too young now to have to go through this.

Bless your family and I hope I was able to help in some small way.

Teri Brown

www.CraryPublications.com

breezy2005
by Member on Jan. 22, 2009 at 2:31 PM

Thanks this does help. But I just don't want my baby girl to hurt some day. Like I said before we sometimes see them about every 6 months when we run into them in town. Then she ask every time we go back to town if they will be there. It just breaks my heart knowing she wants to see them.

I want Brianna to feel free to talk about them any time she wants too. Like I said she knows who they are. Some times she will get her play phone and act like she is talking to them and ask them why don't you come see me. Back in Nov. when it was getting close to her birthday she would act like she was talking to them and ask them to come to her party and tell them they can eat cake & ice cream with her and tell them they could play with her toys. Now her bio-dad did come to her party. This was the first time he had seen her in a year. After that day she really asked about him when will he be back and why want he come see her. It hurts to hear her on her play phone asking him things like this. He came the week after her party and she ask him about her birth-mom, she said where is she and why want she come see me too. He was lost for words and told her he did not know but he said I promise I will keep coming to see you on the weekends. But once again he has not been back to see her. You know if they would just call her it would help. It would let her know he really does care. And the older she gets the more she will be asking.

Angie

Quoting tabr0wn:

From personal experience I can tell you that it is extremely painful to relinquish a child. As much as I would have loved to watch my daughter grow up, it would have been very hard not to want more. I would have wanted to snatch her back and run, or at the very least go back to court and try to get her back. I couldn't have just watched someone else raise the child I wished I could have raised myself. It would have tore me apart.  As it is I morned for her for 21 years before I found her and I still feel the loss of those years and the loss of the family closeness she shared with her aparents.

My advice would be to not keep worrying about it or talking about it to your child. Let her have a normal childhood without reminders and feelings of rejection from her birth family. It's only going to make her wonder whats wrong with her that they don't want her or want to see her.  I would just forget about the birth parents and enjoy your daughter.  There will be time for questions and even therapy if needed when she hits her teens and is trying to discover who she is.  She's just too young now to have to go through this.

Bless your family and I hope I was able to help in some small way.

Teri Brown

www.CraryPublications.com


PortAngeles1969
by Group Owner on Jan. 22, 2009 at 3:10 PM

You really can't help a child "un-know" something or someone that they have known.  Given your great neice's specific situation I agree with you that she's already questioning and even if there are no answers fo rthose questions, it's important that she be able to express her thoughts and feelings and be supported in processing.

With all due respect to birthmoms (and I myself am one), many adoptees who have never had the opportunity to have any contact or information about thier birthfamily still experience the loss and need to process it.  It is not a simple case of "you can't miss what you haven't had" - even though we were infants of closed adoptions, our truth is that we bonded at the most visceral and core level with our moms during those 9 months and many of us retained that loss and express it in a variety of ways.

So, I too would encourage you to continue reaching out to your relatives - if her bio parents are not inclined to have contact it does help to have other bio family involved.

Open adoption doesn't alleviate the need to process the loss, but it does relieve unanswered questions and lack of information.  It doesn't mean that the adoptee is spared what many of us need to process through, but it does provide the potential to be supported in our needs.

My biological daughter (whom I placed in a semi-open adoption which is now fully open) does not have contact with her biological father because he is not open to that.  However, she does have relationships with his mother and his sister which doesn't substitute for her longing to meet her birth dad, but does give her a link to his side of the family.

I know you are not doing this but need to say, that dismissing or delaying the information that is part of an adoptees reality does not make it easier later on.  It only adds the question, "why didn't I know this sooner?"  and implies that the hidden information is something to be ashamed about.  There are plenty of ways to allow adoptees to understand their story in age appropriate, honest, and healing ways.  I wish you the very best!!!!

PortAngeles1969   www.postadoptioncoach.com

Group Owner:
Adoption
http://www.cafemom.com/group/adoption  
Group Administrator: Birthmoms http://www.cafemom.com/group/birthmoms

onethentwins
by Gold Member on Jan. 22, 2009 at 3:12 PM

 

Quoting tabr0wn:

From personal experience I can tell you that it is extremely painful to relinquish a child. As much as I would have loved to watch my daughter grow up, it would have been very hard not to want more. I would have wanted to snatch her back and run, or at the very least go back to court and try to get her back. I couldn't have just watched someone else raise the child I wished I could have raised myself. It would have tore me apart.  As it is I morned for her for 21 years before I found her and I still feel the loss of those years and the loss of the family closeness she shared with her aparents.

My advice would be to not keep worrying about it or talking about it to your child. Let her have a normal childhood without reminders and feelings of rejection from her birth family. It's only going to make her wonder whats wrong with her that they don't want her or want to see her.  I would just forget about the birth parents and enjoy your daughter.  There will be time for questions and even therapy if needed when she hits her teens and is trying to discover who she is.  She's just too young now to have to go through this.

Bless your family and I hope I was able to help in some small way.

Teri Brown

www.CraryPublications.com

Teri is talking about her feelings and her personal feelings and while I respect that I couldn't disagree more.

Teri had a closed adoption and mourned for 21 years. I was from a semi-open adoption and found it extremely comforting to receive pictures and updates throughout my sons childhood. Seeing him thriving was what kept me well. If I could have had visitation that would have been heaven for me. I would NOT have tried to get him back, I would never have done that to him. Also I believe that if he had visits with me he wouldn't have all the rejection/abandonment issues that he has. Not to mention all the weirdness that reunion brings.

All the experts now agree that closed adoption was not a good thing and that open adoption is what's best for the adoptee. Even if you can't achieve open adoption you should still talk about and acknowledge your child's loss. She's still going to have rejection issues.

Here's a link to an adoption therapist. Scroll down to the bottom of the page and read her article "talking to your child about adoption and foster issues: http://www.marlourussellphd.com/772.html

Also check out what Nancy Verrier has to say to Adoptive Parents: http://www.nancyverrier.com/par_notes.php

Good luck.


Owner Adoption Reunion Group http://www.cafemom.com/group/14715
Co-Owner Infant Adoption Group http://www.cafemom.com/group/39118

Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)