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My Son Wasn't A Gift

Posted by on Jan. 25, 2009 at 6:43 PM
  • 18 Replies
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Okay, I know this all depends on personal feelings and experience, but I, for one, am so tired of seeing and hearing anyone refer to my son as a "gift" to anyone.

My son is  a breathing, living, human being.  His heart beats like ours.  His mind is capable of thoughts and ideas, like the rest of us.  To me, he isn't, and never has been, an item I owned to "give" to someone else as a gift. 

I NEVER saw it as I "GAVE" anyone a "GIFT."  My son wasn't lost to adoption because I wanted to bless someone else.  He was lost to adoption because I was told I wouldn't be a good enough mother for him.  Because they told me if I loved him I would let someone else raise him.  Because they told me I was selfish to ask my family for help and that I was a shame to them.  And most of all, it was because they  made sure I put the feelings of the aparents in front of what I wanted while I was in the hospital and wanting only to keep my son, to raise him myself and never let him out of my life.

My son, and no child, in my opinion, is a gift.  And I don't think it is right for any of us to refer to a living breathing human being in a way that puts them in the same place as the tablecloth you might have gotten for your aunt Sally for Christmas or the Tea Set your grandmother gave you on your last birthday.

Just my vent.

 

Cassi 

http://adoptiontruth-casjoh.blogspot.com/

What the child has missed is the security and serenity of oneness with the person who gave birth to him, a continuum of bonding from prenatal to postnatal life. - Nancy Newton Verrier, The Primal Wound

by on Jan. 25, 2009 at 6:43 PM
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Replies (1-10):
PortAngeles1969
by Group Owner on Jan. 25, 2009 at 6:50 PM

clappingThis might not be exactly the right SweetPea but thanks so much for posting this!!!!!

Exactly!  And, for many adoptees we too are sick to death of being referred to as an item.

PortAngeles1969   www.postadoptioncoach.com

Group Owner:
Adoption
http://www.cafemom.com/group/adoption  
Group Administrator: Birthmoms http://www.cafemom.com/group/birthmoms

onethentwins
by Gold Member on Jan. 25, 2009 at 6:56 PM

Thanks Cassie, I agree. And I totally understand why adoptees would hate this too.

 


Owner Adoption Reunion Group http://www.cafemom.com/group/14715
Co-Owner Infant Adoption Group http://www.cafemom.com/group/39118

stillamom1213
by on Jan. 25, 2009 at 7:00 PM

Thank you. You wrote how so many of us feel.

rainfalls
by on Jan. 25, 2009 at 7:32 PM

THANK YOU!

 

If only we could have the world hear/see this!!!!!!

summerleigh
by Member on Jan. 25, 2009 at 8:01 PM

I completely agree, not only can you not give another human being as a gift it implies that, as with usual gift giving, that it is something that the giver is doing out of the kindess of their heart and that the receiver is good and deserving to be receiving such a gift. I have a kind heart and all but when one gives a gift it is to make the other person happy and that's not why I chose adoption. And it's not that aparent's aren't good, but being good won't guarantee a baby like being good might gaurantee a present under the Christmas tree.

adopteeme
by Bronze Member on Jan. 25, 2009 at 8:59 PM

Thanks, Cassi!!

......Gifts can be returned or 're-gifted", or put in the back of the closet- never to be seen again.  Thank you for expressing that we didn't come wrapped in pretty paper and bows,

 

 

rainfalls
by on Jan. 25, 2009 at 9:06 PM

So my question is.. even though I agree with ALL OF YOU.. but how do you feel by the phrase "Children are a gift from God."

 

??

Haha.. I'm just curious.....

 

Boofer
by Bronze Member on Jan. 25, 2009 at 9:20 PM


Quoting rainfalls:

So my question is.. even though I agree with ALL OF YOU.. but how do you feel by the phrase "Children are a gift from God."

 

??

Haha.. I'm just curious.....

 

My children (all of them - even those I lost to miscarriage) are miracles from God, not gifts or things but true miracles from heaven in every sense a miracle is. 

Mother of 3, raised 2 - I lost my son to adoption June 1989.  I gave up my right to parent him; I kept my right to love him!.  Reunited with my son 8/13/07.  In his eyes, I may or may not ever be his mom, but he will always be my son. 


Favorite Quote:  "Love is infinite; you can always make more when you need it" - Twitches, Disney Channel Movie

rainfalls
by on Jan. 25, 2009 at 9:23 PM


Quoting Boofer:

 

Quoting rainfalls:

So my question is.. even though I agree with ALL OF YOU.. but how do you feel by the phrase "Children are a gift from God."

 

??

Haha.. I'm just curious.....

 

My children (all of them - even those I lost to miscarriage) are miracles from God, not gifts or things but true miracles from heaven in every sense a miracle is. 


Miracles sound a lot better!

Southernroots
by Group Admin on Jan. 25, 2009 at 9:24 PM


Quoting rainfalls:

So my question is.. even though I agree with ALL OF YOU.. but how do you feel by the phrase "Children are a gift from God."

 

??

Haha.. I'm just curious.....

 

I believe that only God has the power to bestow the "gift" of children, and I do not have a problem with the term when used in that way.   Maybe that sounds contradictory, but I do not think so.

My objection is more the whole idea of heaping praise on a woman for giving someone else the "gift" of her child as though her child is a commodity.  Somehow, there is a huge difference to me. Besides, it bugs me for someone to think that I gave my son to someone just as a way to be niice to them because I am such a generous and swell person. That was not what happened in my situation. He was not a gift that I tied a bow on and said with a smile on my face, "Here, he is, enjoy your gift." I "gave him up" because AT THE TIME, it seemed like the lesser of several bad options.

Think about this.....if children are a gift from God (and I believe that they are although I'd use "blessing"), why did we think WE knew more than God did and let another family raise our child?  Does that mean we thought God got it wrong, we knew better and decided instead that another family should have our child? I think God got it right and intended for me to raise my first son, but I didn't have enough faith and trust to believe that I could/should raise him. I messed up....not God.

 

 

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