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One more try for a pic!

Posted by on Apr. 8, 2009 at 12:27 PM
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I have been away from cafemom for awhile. To recap, I relinquished in 1995. It was to be a semi open adoption, that is, we were to exchange pics and letters via the catholic family service. It went great the first year...then nothing. Last year I sent another letter requesting an update. To my surprise after a few months I received a card with not much info about Morgan and no pictures from the adoptive parents. The adoptive parents did write that Morgan has a lot of questions and they answer them as best they could. I wish I had a dialogue open with Morgan so that she could ask me.  I decided to write another letter asking for a picture. Why are the adoptive parents so protective of pictures? I also recently found my birthdaughter  on facebook, it's got to be her, it's her name and her community. No pic though. Initially I was so tempted to send a message then decided it would probably not be appropriate and may freak her out. I was able to view friends and a lot of the friends look like they would be around the age of my birthdaughter, further confirmation that it's probably her.    

I am so glad we have this discussion forum. I don't know any other birthmothers and it's so nice to be able to discuss this here. Thanks!

Morgan's bmom

by on Apr. 8, 2009 at 12:27 PM
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LuvAdoptedKids
by on Apr. 8, 2009 at 1:13 PM

I am so sorry that that is happening... that truly is horrible on the part of the adoptive parents.  I can only imagine that they are fearful of what it might do to their family to have an open relationship with you.  I know that I too felt this way for many years until my heart changed and now I am COMPLETLY the opposite and couldn't be happier.  Praying that your daughters adoptive family will have a heart change as well and open things as they should be.  It's really best for everyone.  Also, how cool that you may have found your birthmother.   I encourage you to keep pressing forward and find out for sure.  She is a huge part of your life and you deserve to know her.

Tracy Waring




Learn more about our family by checking out our links below
Embryo Adoption blog    Living Stones ministry 

Angel1994
by Member on Apr. 8, 2009 at 1:44 PM

I'm sorry my post was confusing. I found my birthdaugher on facebook, not my birthmother. Thanks for your reply. It is encouraging to hear from an adoptive parent's perspective on open relationships.

 

casjoh
by on Apr. 8, 2009 at 10:53 PM

I don't understand in any way what the threat is in sending pictures of your daughter.  I'd think it would be the least they can do.  And obviously, they are of the group that don't understand that it is better for the adoptee to have contact and a relationship with their bfamily.  It sounds to me like they are more part of the wave that wants to believe the child is a clean slate, is there child now, and they hold no responsibility for keeping her bfamily a part of her life.

I mean it is just pics you are asking for, after all.  There is no excuse for not sending them to you.  NONE!

And as for finding your daughter on facebook, I don't know what to say because I don't know where your daughter is at.  I know some who have found their children through facebook or myspace and have learned, or already knew, that their child wanted to know their bfamily.  But it's hard to know with your daughter since I don't know if she has left any comments or such hinting to how she feels about the whole adoption thing.

I do believe though that it is important to reunite with your daughter while she is still young.  So no matter what, even if you don't send a friend suggestion, keep track of her through facebook and whatever other avenues you have so that as soon as she hits eighteen you can take that step and reach out to her.  I think it's actually good to do it much earlier than this for most adoptees, but since we don't kinow where your daughter is or how she feels, its hard to know.  But I would definitely suggest contacting her, no matter what, when she is eighteen.  Though, I hope you will have a chance beforehand to reach out and build a relationship with her.

 

Cassi 

http://adoptiontruth-casjoh.blogspot.com/

What the child has missed is the security and serenity of oneness with the person who gave birth to him, a continuum of bonding from prenatal to postnatal life. - Nancy Newton Verrier, The Primal Wound

blessed3times
by Bronze Member on Apr. 8, 2009 at 11:37 PM


Quoting casjoh:

I don't understand in any way what the threat is in sending pictures of your daughter.  I'd think it would be the least they can do.  And obviously, they are of the group that don't understand that it is better for the adoptee to have contact and a relationship with their bfamily.  It sounds to me like they are more part of the wave that wants to believe the child is a clean slate, is there child now, and they hold no responsibility for keeping her bfamily a part of her life.

I mean it is just pics you are asking for, after all.  There is no excuse for not sending them to you.  NONE!

clappingTotally agree with Cassi.  There is no reason to not send pictures, especially since that is what was promised in the first place.  To do otherwise is selfish and one day when your daughter finds out that they reneged on the agreement it will come back to haunt them.

Also agree with what Cassi said about keeping track of your daughter so you will be ready to contact her when she is 18.  I'd be counting down the days if I were you.

So I'm a little confused.  Did you write another letter this year?  I think you should. And I would keep copies of what you send.  So that even if they destroy them, your daughter will have proof that you were trying to let her know that you were thinking of her.

Wishing you the very best of luck!

snowwillow
by Member on Apr. 9, 2009 at 12:29 PM

My bdaughters mom was also stingy with photos, she was mad that we had looked and we have no relationship. She had been told we could never find them, so she was upset. It took over year before we got a baby pic from my daughter, she had to steal  a pic and copy it. I think her mom was afraid that I would try to take her away. After 8 years, I have only met her mom once, that very first day of our reunion.

So, I went 30 years without a picture of my daughter.

 

It's just fear.

Angel1994
by Member on Apr. 13, 2009 at 1:29 PM

I did recently send another letter, requesting a picture. We shall see, I hope, hope, hope I get one. I am fortunate in that I know her aparents' names and where they live. I also know her name. That gives me some peace. My heart feels for the bmoms that don't know any contact information.

I am so happy that birthmoms have this discussion forum. I feel like we are all sisters here. Thanks for all your responses.

 

Morgan's birthmother


Relinquished daughter in 1995, married in 2002 and have 2 boys

casjoh
by on Apr. 13, 2009 at 4:33 PM


Quoting Angel1994:

I did recently send another letter, requesting a picture. We shall see, I hope, hope, hope I get one.


Keeping my fingers double-crossed for you.

 

Cassi 

http://adoptiontruth-casjoh.blogspot.com/

What the child has missed is the security and serenity of oneness with the person who gave birth to him, a continuum of bonding from prenatal to postnatal life. - Nancy Newton Verrier, The Primal Wound

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