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My birthfamily wants nothing to do with me

Posted by on Jun. 2, 2009 at 10:16 PM
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I made contact with my birthfamily, both a brother and my bmom. My brother wouldn't talk to me, and my bmom and I spoke for awhile and she told me she'd have to talk to her husband and kids and see what they thought was best, and she had my contact info and would get ahold of me if that's what the decision was.

It's been almost a year, and I haven't heard anything.

It's so hard -- I was a baby and didn't choose adoption. I love my parents deeply, and they have been wonderful parents. Somehow though, part of me is missing - I don't know where my son gets his red hair. I don't know if the kids look like anyone when they get a certain expression. I don't know a brother and sisters that were able to grow up together and didn't even know about me. I don't know who I get my height from, my brains, my love of math, and my geeky side.

It feels like I was both given up and given up on.

 

by on Jun. 2, 2009 at 10:16 PM
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Replies (1-10):
LuvAdoptedKids
by on Jun. 3, 2009 at 1:40 AM

I just want to wrap my arms around you and give you the biggest hug ever.  I'm so sorry that you are hurting so deeply.  Noone deserves to question who or where they'v e come from... and NOONE deserves to be treated as you have.  I just want to say that you are uniquely made and you are precious and gold.  We can't change other's hearts.  It sounds like your birthfamily is living in fear.  Fear of change, fear of a secret being revealed....fear of so many things that honestly seem small to us but must feel overwhelming to them.  I have three adopted children and they have wonderful birthparents.  But, there are times that I feel as though I need to wrap my arms around my children's tender hearts and shield them from painful responses.  Sometimes things just hurt and there is nothing I or anyone else can do to make it better.  But like I do for my very much loved children... I will do for you.  Pray.   Who knows what can happen with more time.  Just keep that door of communication open from your end.  Sometimes it just take time for the fear to fall away and people to hear clearly what their hearts are saying. 

Tracy Waring




Learn more about our family by checking out our links below
Embryo Adoption blog    Living Stones ministry 

ChrissyH
by Bronze Member on Jun. 3, 2009 at 7:55 AM

I do understand the pain...It hurts and it does feel like we have been given up on. I did get to meet my bmom and bdad about 9 years ago. I have not heard from bmom is 8 months and bdad in years. Bdad had 3 girls and none of them wanted anything to do with me...I do still send letters, I am going to make sure they know I am not dropping off the face of the earth as easy as they think...lol some day I hope to meet my bdads family.

I would just add maybe you should drop them a note and let them know you are thinking of them...

CECE09
by Member on Jun. 3, 2009 at 8:57 AM

OH CAIGED,  WE CAN SUPPORT YOU. WE ALSO CAN GIVE FAITH AND HOPE THE HEART OF YOUR FIRST PARENTS WILL OPEN.   MY FIRST CONTACT WAS HORRIBLE NO ONE WAS READY OR EDUCATED IN THE TRIAD.  BUT I NEVER GAVE UP HOPE NOT EVEN ON MY WORST DAYS. BIRTH PARENTS NEED ALOT OF SUPPORT TO UNDERSTAND ALL THE EMOTIONS THAT SURFICE.  IM NOT, LET ME REPEAT  IM N  O  T EXCUSING THE LACK OF UNDERSTANDING/ LOVE THEY SHOULD BE GIVING YOU IM JUST SAYING MANY OF US HAD YEARS BEFORE OUR REUNIONS ACTUALLY WORKED FOR ALL IN VOLVED.   I CAN GO ON AND ON CONCERNING THE GUILT, THE PTSD, THE ANGER I FELT FOR SO MANY YEARS NOT TO MAKE EXCUSES BUT TO TELL YOU SO YOU MAY UNDERSTAND .THEY NEED TO BE EDUCATED.  WHEN MY SECOND CHANCE CAME I WORKED MY HARDEST TO GET THE ANSWERS I NEEDED AS A FIRSTMOM I PRAY YOURS DOES THE SAME.  UNTILL THEN WE CAN SHARE IDEAS THAT WORKED FOR US HOPING THEY WILL OPEN UP TO YOU AND YOUR FAMILY.   FIRST MOM IN REUNION FOR 10 YEARS. CECE

CECE09

Lachata592
by Member on Jun. 3, 2009 at 11:08 AM

Please remember, we all love you here at Cafe Moms. . Do not give up send them ccards etc.. Faith frist feelings second..

Your wonderfull like the rest of us  Adoptee children.. as I'm one myself..

Lots of hugs

La chata592

DVT
by Bronze Member on Jun. 3, 2009 at 3:58 PM

I'm so sorry to hear that they didn't contact you again!   I do cherish every moment I get with my birthchildren and can't imagine why your birthmom has not contacted you back.  I feel your pain and loss as you wonder where you came from and your need to get to know your birthparents.  (((HUGS)))

Anne28
by on Jun. 3, 2009 at 9:28 PM

I am sorry for your pain.  There is nothing you did to make it this way. This is NOT your fault.  Please keep the faith, pray daily and know that we are all here for you.  I will never understand why a birthmother wouldn't want contact with their own child that they placed for adoption except for the fact that they cannot or do not know how to deal with it all.

Please know your in my prayers.

Anne

Caiged
by Member on Jun. 3, 2009 at 10:31 PM

I understand this is difficult for her as well, which is why I tried to give her space so she could work through some of her feelings. I just didn't imagine a year later I'd still be waiting. Maybe I'll always be waiting.....

I don't really know what my siblings are feeling either. Maybe I was never a part of their family vision so it's hard for them to imagine another sibling in the mix. Maybe they're afraid contact will hurt our mom. I don't know.

I guess I was hoping she'd be happy that I was in contact with her and try to establish some sort of communication/relationship.

jadalley
by Member on Jun. 4, 2009 at 3:55 PM

I am so sorry, I am a birth mom and i just want to hug you right now, and you are right  you did not choose adoption, But adoption was and still is a big secret society likes to keep hiden, I dont know your bmoms situation but it may be that no one knew she even had a child and now years later has to explain you...thats a doozy....I wish all bmoms could open their eyes and not be ashamed of what we did so many years ago and reach out and hug and hold the children we lost (yes i say lost because we never forget) I hope that you find some peace and i pray your bmom does the right thing regardless of what others may say or think...Know that you are important....and i care about you and all adopted children... Society needs  to wake up and we as birthmoms need to take a stand and reclaim the children we lost and those who seek us out....God bless

onethentwins
by Gold Member on Jun. 5, 2009 at 5:22 PM

Are you up to keep trying? I know it would be hard but it might be worth it.

There's an adoptee I know and her husband doesn't want her to search. Sometimes men just don't get it and maybe her husband talked her out of it. Maybe if you sent her a copy of 'The Girls Who Went Away" it would remind her of how she felt when she lost you and let her know that she's not the only one.

You must feel awful. I'm really sorry.

 


Owner Adoption Reunion Group http://www.cafemom.com/group/14715
Co-Owner Infant Adoption Group http://www.cafemom.com/group/39118

CandyE
by on Jun. 6, 2009 at 9:26 AM

I am so sorry you are hurting.  I was in total shock when I was found and contacted by my oldest son, and it took me 2 months (after intial response) to be able to tell anyone he found me, and to be able to accept a relationship with him.  I had lived for 40 years in shame, never talk about him or my second son to anyone.  I was scared of what would happen if people knew my deep dark secrets!

Maybe no one knew, maybe your birth family is afraid you won't accept something about their lifestyle, maybe they are just afraid of change or the truth.  Don't stop trying and don't give up hope.  As a member of birthmother support groups, I know many stories - many birthmoms who would love to have their child feel the way you do, rather than to have their child not want contact.  Maybe your mom needs a support group to deal with her emotions, and we are out here everywhere!  I always thought I was the only one - honest.  If you are able to send cards or letters or email, maybe you could mention Cafe Mom or some other group she could join.

With hugs and hope,


CandyE

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