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When should I meet the adoptive parents?

Posted by on Aug. 12, 2009 at 2:54 PM
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  I am 12 weeks today. I have been working with an pregnancy/adoption agency, going to counseling and such. My counselor told me that they normally don't start looking for possible adoptive parents until 6-7 months. I on the other hand have found a great couple through a nurse at my clinic. It is actually her daughter. Who has recently adopted and wants to again. We have had contact over the phone and through e-mails. I have told my counselor and she said she doesn't want me to feel any pressure. I keep telling her that I would like to find a family sooner then later so that they can be involved with my pregnancy and delivery.  I feel like God has put this couple in my path for a reason and that I should go with my heart and meet them. But when and where and what should I ask or look for? 

by on Aug. 12, 2009 at 2:54 PM
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ceejay1
by on Aug. 13, 2009 at 11:43 AM

Pretygurl,  First off congrats on you new baby, for it is truly an event to celebrate!  You have come to a very knowledgable group indeed...we are all very passionate about our journeys, and therefore you will get some very compassionate replys.  Might I suggest, that you first, take a deep breath, and open yourself up to ALL possibilties, and options;)  We ALL live a different journey, for no 2 adoptions are the same.  I would first off, take into consideration that your counselor is correct, do not rush, and do not assume.  You do not say wether or not this counseling you are recieving is with the adoption agency, or if the service, is non-affiliated...meaning unbiased, with nothing to gain.  The first step is to find unbiased therapy, and guidance.  This is YOUR child we are talking about, and agencies, facilitators, attornies, make billins of dollars from finding couples whom want nothing more than to be parents...therefore will pay, and say what is expected just to get a baby.  Most people do wait until they are further into their pregnancy to see adoption as an option...around 6-7 months.  You have plenty of time, and as you say, "GOD has put this couple into your path for a reason".   This is possibly true, but GOD also gave you another child to love protect and guide for a reason.  MHO, GOD does not present us a child to relinquish.....he is not a facilitator!  Like I said this is MHO.  Adoption has its place and has many good merrits...but, adoption is for a child whom NEEDS someone to love them...NOT for a couple whom need to be parents.  IMHO, adoption exist for children whom their Mommies cannot protect them, keep them safe, love them, either emotionally, or physically,(ie.- abuse, drugs).  You state you have 2 small ones, adoption will effect many many others, including your 2 children, you already have.  One cannot prepare for the ramifications from relinquishing a child.  OKAY, I am done giving you my 'passionate opinion', Please do yourself, and your children a huge favor...you have plenty of time, 3 months, and you are just beginning to feel those hormonal surges.  Enjoy being pregnant, it is a Blessing, seek outside- agency therapy/counseling, do not rush to meet the perspective couple.  No matter how badly one feels about fiances, emotional strain, feelings of unresolve, lack of support...one cannot jup into adoption, as if this is going to be an event, that once handing over a child...will in time just go away!  Reality is it is a lifetime journey...and we gamble with the roll of a dice...thinking this is the RIGHT thing to do....this is NOT the reality.  Please keep coming, you will get some great advice, from many differing views...much wiser are most the ladies here...than I!  Blessings, C.J.

CEEJAY1

CandyE
by on Aug. 13, 2009 at 11:46 AM
Hi pretygurl - I replied to your post on the welcome page - before I add anything else here, just want to know if you have read the 2 replies there so far.

I am a mother reunited with 2 sons (43 and 40) and since being found by my oldest and learning more about the effects of adoption on everyone involved, I would never advise surrender at birth. I hope you are reading and learning everything you can, and not just from an adoption agency, as they are a FOR PROFIT business.

There are many books with honest information available for you to read and learn from before making the decision. I personally don't think adoptive parents should be involved in your pregnancy or birth, as then you may feel pressure to not change you mind, which you have a right to do at any time - don't let anyone tell you differently.

Gee, for not wanting to add much here, I guess I did anyway!

Wish you the best, and not trying to upset you in any way.

CandyE

onethentwins
by Gold Member on Aug. 13, 2009 at 6:36 PM

This is from my therapist, Marlou Russell. Marlou is considered one of the most respected experts in post adoption feelings in this country. Here's a link to her website: http://www.marlourussellphd.com/43.html

Here is an article from her website.

Hello Before Goodbye


adoption.about.com 9/26/02
http://adoption.about.com/library/weekly/uc092302a.htm For more information, email marlourussell@hotmail.com
 
I used to think it was a good idea for prospective adoptive parents and expectant birth parents to meet before the birth of their baby. I thought it might help babies to hear the voices of all the people who would be a part of their life. I figured a pregnant mother might feel better and more at ease if she had the support and encouragement of the people who planned to parent her child.

But I’ve changed my mind.

Now I think it is necessary for a pregnant mother to have clear space and time to be with her baby one-on-one. I believe it is more important for the birth parents to talk to their baby than for prospective adoptive parents to. Babies need to hear hello before they hear goodbye. A baby needs to connect and bond to the birth mother before attaching to other people. Bonding and attachment come from shared quiet moments, not from crowded events.

I have other concerns about prospective adoptive parents and expectant birth parents having too much contact before a baby is born. I worry about the possibility of intentional or unintentional coercion. Will a pregnant mother who has accepted medical, financial, and emotional aid have the strength to freely change her mind about adoption and keep her baby? I’m not sure. Any woman who is pregnant and considering adoption is, by definition, having a crisis pregnancy. It takes time and clarity to make a rational, loving, and realistic decision. Being indebted to eager people around you does not make for clear thinking.

What happens when a pregnant woman considering adoption chooses adoptive parents but then decides to raise her child? I have seen numerous prospective adoptive parents tearfully process their feelings of loss when the woman who they thought was going to hand over her baby to them changes her mind and keeps her baby. They feel lied to, cheated, defeated, and devastated when the baby they thought was going to be theirs turns out to stay within the birth family. Do they have a right to their feelings? Of course. Could the situation have been avoided? Yes, if all involved had embraced the idea that no one knows what will happen until it happens.

Interestingly enough, when a pregnant mother who considers adoption wants to raise her child it’s called a failed adoption. Another way of looking at it is that the birth family successfully remains intact. Maybe we should call it a failed assumption instead of a failed adoption.

So if adoption is going to happen, let’s make it easier on all the triad members. Let’s not promise prospective adoptive parents something that may or may not be delivered. Let’s let the woman who is pregnant and considering adoption have all the time she needs to be with her baby before, during and after the baby is born. Let’s remember that we are dealing with decisions that will irrevocably alter a human being’s life. Let’s make sure there is plenty of time to say hello before saying goodbye. 
 


Owner Adoption Reunion Group http://www.cafemom.com/group/14715
Co-Owner Infant Adoption Group http://www.cafemom.com/group/39118

Southernroots
by Group Admin on Aug. 14, 2009 at 2:09 PM


Quoting pretygurl:

 

  I am 12 weeks today. I have been working with an pregnancy/adoption agency, going to counseling and such. My counselor told me that they normally don't start looking for possible adoptive parents until 6-7 months. ........ I have told my counselor and she said she doesn't want me to feel any pressure. I keep telling her that I would like to find a family sooner then later so that they can be involved with my pregnancy and delivery.  I feel like God has put this couple in my path for a reason and that I should go with my heart and meet them. But when and where and what should I ask or look for? 

Listen to your counselor's advise about waiting.  It is far too early to become involved with potential adoptive parents.  You need time to explore all your options before deciding on adoption, much less potential adoptive parents. This decision is not one that should be hurried.

What if you involve this couple in your pregnancy and delivery, and then discover that you have changed your mind after birth? Maybe you feel certain now, but, many moms change their minds after birth.  This pregnancy should involve you and your baby. If you ultimately choose adoption, the adoptive parents will have the rest of your babys' life with your child.  Don't cheat yourself or your baby out of this time meant for the two of you.

Maybe God did put this couple in your path for a reason.  But, you can't know what that reason is. There are plenty of couples eager for newborns. Just because you came across one doesn't mean they are "meant" to raise your child.  You will probably discover many moms here on Cafemom every bit as eager to raise your child.

 


 

PortAngeles1969
by Group Owner on Aug. 14, 2009 at 2:46 PM

Honey, I would also echo what your counseler is saying. If these are the right parents, then they will be the right parents today, tomorrow,or 5 months from now. 

Speaking for my daughter (who I relinquished 19 years ago), the story she wants me to tell over and over is the time I spent with her, during the pregnancy and those few short days in the hospital.  It is so important to her that there had been that time that was reserved only for us.

As an adoptee myself (from the closed era), it breaks my heart that most likely my birth mother was not given the opportunity - or was advised not to  - see me, hold me, or spend any time with me after birth.  How can you say "goodbye" if you've never said "hello"?

This is such a hard time I know.  I'm so impressed that you are reaching out and asking for input.  When I was in your situation I wouldn't let anybody tell me anything - including the agency counselors, my family, or my boyfriend (the birthfather).  It is my biggest regret - not allowing others to help me think this decision through.

Much love to you!

 

PortAngeles1969   www.postadoptioncoach.com

Group Owner:
Adoption
http://www.cafemom.com/group/adoption  
Group Administrator: Birthmoms http://www.cafemom.com/group/birthmoms

pretygurl
by Member on Aug. 17, 2009 at 12:50 AM

I would like to thank all you for the advise. I will take this time for myself.  

PortAngeles1969
by Group Owner on Aug. 17, 2009 at 2:42 PM


Quoting pretygurl:

I would like to thank all you for the advise. I will take this time for myself.  


Good for you Pretygurl! 

You can give the prospective parents' info to your agency counselor - if the agency is a good one they will take good care of them and help to prepare them for their hoped for family.  That part is not something you need to take on.

You will need every ounce of energy and attention in these coming months to make the best decision for you and your child.  It is NOT unreasonable for you to put a higher consideration in making that decision on you and this baby - the decision is too great of one to have your attentions or affections divided right now.

I hope that you will let us know how you are doing and if we can support you during this time.

Much love,

PortAngeles1969   www.postadoptioncoach.com

Group Owner:
Adoption
http://www.cafemom.com/group/adoption  
Group Administrator: Birthmoms http://www.cafemom.com/group/birthmoms

pretygurl
by Member on Aug. 17, 2009 at 8:28 PM

Thanks 

Boofer
by Bronze Member on Aug. 17, 2009 at 9:03 PM


Quoting onethentwins:

This is from my therapist, Marlou Russell. Marlou is considered one of the most respected experts in post adoption feelings in this country. Here's a link to her website: http://www.marlourussellphd.com/43.html

Here is an article from her website.

Hello Before Goodbye


adoption.about.com 9/26/02
http://adoption.about.com/library/weekly/uc092302a.htm For more information, email marlourussell@hotmail.com
 
I used to think it was a good idea for prospective adoptive parents and expectant birth parents to meet before the birth of their baby. I thought it might help babies to hear the voices of all the people who would be a part of their life. I figured a pregnant mother might feel better and more at ease if she had the support and encouragement of the people who planned to parent her child.

But I’ve changed my mind.

Now I think it is necessary for a pregnant mother to have clear space and time to be with her baby one-on-one. I believe it is more important for the birth parents to talk to their baby than for prospective adoptive parents to. Babies need to hear hello before they hear goodbye. A baby needs to connect and bond to the birth mother before attaching to other people. Bonding and attachment come from shared quiet moments, not from crowded events.

I have other concerns about prospective adoptive parents and expectant birth parents having too much contact before a baby is born. I worry about the possibility of intentional or unintentional coercion. Will a pregnant mother who has accepted medical, financial, and emotional aid have the strength to freely change her mind about adoption and keep her baby? I’m not sure. Any woman who is pregnant and considering adoption is, by definition, having a crisis pregnancy. It takes time and clarity to make a rational, loving, and realistic decision. Being indebted to eager people around you does not make for clear thinking.

What happens when a pregnant woman considering adoption chooses adoptive parents but then decides to raise her child? I have seen numerous prospective adoptive parents tearfully process their feelings of loss when the woman who they thought was going to hand over her baby to them changes her mind and keeps her baby. They feel lied to, cheated, defeated, and devastated when the baby they thought was going to be theirs turns out to stay within the birth family. Do they have a right to their feelings? Of course. Could the situation have been avoided? Yes, if all involved had embraced the idea that no one knows what will happen until it happens.

Interestingly enough, when a pregnant mother who considers adoption wants to raise her child it’s called a failed adoption. Another way of looking at it is that the birth family successfully remains intact. Maybe we should call it a failed assumption instead of a failed adoption.

So if adoption is going to happen, let’s make it easier on all the triad members. Let’s not promise prospective adoptive parents something that may or may not be delivered. Let’s let the woman who is pregnant and considering adoption have all the time she needs to be with her baby before, during and after the baby is born. Let’s remember that we are dealing with decisions that will irrevocably alter a human being’s life. Let’s make sure there is plenty of time to say hello before saying goodbye. 
 

I can't tell you how much I wish I would have had that advice given to me oh so long ago.  I can't say that I know for sure that had I not met and formed a "relationship" with my son's potential amother that things would have been any different, but I may have been able to not have so much doubt or anger and wonder if it really was my choice or was I coerced.  I remember hearing her introduce HER son to her family members while she held him in the hospital right in front of me.  He was and always will my MY son, too.  After all, he was only mine then - now he is ours.  She still can't say it, that he is ours!  Take your time and make it YOUR choice and only your choice - with no influence, only knowledge. 

Mother of 3, raised 2 - I lost my son to adoption June 1989.  I gave up my right to parent him; I kept my right to love him!.  Reunited with my son 8/13/07.  In his eyes, I may or may not ever be his mom, but he will always be my son. 


Favorite Quote:  "Love is infinite; you can always make more when you need it" - Twitches, Disney Channel Movie

onethentwins
by Gold Member on Aug. 18, 2009 at 10:18 AM


Quoting Boofer:

 

I can't tell you how much I wish I would have had that advice given to me oh so long ago. 

I love my sons adoptive mother. I have never seen an ounce of jealousy in her and I'm not jealous of her. I was watching her have an affectionate moment with my son and realised that it felt just like when my husband is affectionate with our twins. It makes me happy, like awww how sweet.

But, I have to say the best decision I ever made was to keep them out of them out of the delivery room. I wished I'd kept them out of the hospital too, at least for a couple of days, not that they give you that long now. They had him for the next 18 years. I cherish the alone moments I shared with him in the hospital and wish there had been more of them.


Owner Adoption Reunion Group http://www.cafemom.com/group/14715
Co-Owner Infant Adoption Group http://www.cafemom.com/group/39118

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