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[InnerPeace]

I am a Korean-American mom. Born in the States, raised both in Korea and here. I fit in both cultures but also don't fit into either.

I have a 19 year old daughter who seems to be all american but she really isn't, whether she accepts it or not. She is so confused.

[christinaliu]

I understand the feeling of confusion. I have felt similarly. Both my parents are Chinese, born in China and raised in Taiwan. I was born here, but the way I was raised was more Chinese (in some ways, and not in others), even though they weren't trying to make an effort to raise me a specific "way"; it was just the way they lived (speaking Chinese at home, and living with more "Chinese" attitudes and principles than ones considered "American.")

So I grew up with a foot in both cultures, sometimes feeling like I didn't fit in either one.

It took me until I was a senior in college and happened upon the student group the Asian American Association where I found others that I really felt were "like me." (Asian face, no accent, grew up in the US but also grew up with Asian parents who instilled more Asian "values" in us.) I finally felt completely comfortable with everyone around me in a way I rarely had before (except at extended family gatherings where I got to see my cousins).

In an earlier post I wrote about going through a "militant" phase in college, not long after I joined the Asian-American student association, where I decided to deny rather than embrace both sides, where I wasn't purely American and I wasn't Chinese but rather, I was "Asian-American." At that time, I felt it was really important that I found a label that actually fit who I was. I got mad at anyone who dared call me "Oriental." And I participated in a bit of activism, where we formed committees to fight what we perceived as discrimination and racism.

What I realized is a lot of what is said to Asians are based in ignorance. And to get upset about it all just sent my blood pressure up, but didn't achieve much else. Over time, I stopped taking things so personally and am finally feeling comfortable being me. For example, I met a lady at a street fair who asked me what nationality I was. I said "Chinese." She said "Oh, wow! I have some friends that are Chinese." I just kind of smiled and nodded, instead of getting mad. Afterward, though, I thought the perfect comeback would have been "Oh, that's nice. I have some friends that are white!" ;-)
Another example was last year when we went to a formal dinner on a cruise ship and I dressed my girls in their Chinese outfits. One lady insisted on taking photos of the cute little "geisha girls." I think I mentioned one time to her that they were Chinese outfits. But she persisted in calling them "geisha girls." I decided not to pursue the point. It just wasn't worth it. She meant well, despite her ignorant use of the wrong words.

I'm sure that your daughter will need to find her own way. I hope that she will eventually discover how to be comfortable being in her own skin, and be proud of the fact that she has been able to grow up with the gift of the perspective of two different cultures. In the meantime, it can be a difficult and challenging journey getting there!

Welcome, and I'm so glad you found us here at this forum! Hopefully this forum will be a place where you can come for comfort, advice, or even just venting. Good luck!

--Christina
Asian and Pacific Island Families Forum
SCUBA and Snorkeling Moms

[InnerPeace]

Thanks for the encouraging words. I wish there was a forum for these young people to share their experiences without them feeling as though they were SO different.

I think it has been very hard for by daughter because we aren't even a typical immigrant family.

I was born here and raised in both countries. But when I was raised in Korea, I was exposed to a lot of western culture-we only watched American t.v. Spoke a lot in English. (Both of my parents were Eng. Lit Professors educated partially in the States. My day was a Harvard Ph.D. My mom studies Women's Study in the 60s. So think what a different kind of family atmosphere I would have had.) My husband was mostly raised in the seminary, (he was a Roman Catholic priest before we married) Then went to college and graduate school in the States.

We are very tradtional Korean in some sense, but in someways we are not. We don't have any Asian friends. We don't have friends in general but whatever social contact we have are American. I didn't think of this until my daughter went off to college and was having a difficult time with the newly found Korean friends there. She didn't know how to interact. I realized that she hasn't had a single Asian friend. She has 3 Asian friends but they are as American as her with parents that have assimilated more or less like us.

I think all this takes time. Self-identity is already confusing.

My nephew, who is bi-racial used to say that he wants to grow up to be a Korean.

Penny