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What to do about young adult children angry at me for divorce

Posted by on Jan. 25, 2010 at 5:34 PM
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Hi,

I'm new to this and I'm having a hard time dealing with the anger and acccusations my 23 yo son and 20yo daughter are expressing since my husband and I told them we are divorcing.

  I spent years trying to work on our marriage and trying to get him to go to counceling, with no results.  I had to leave the house and tell him I wasn't coming back unless he agreed to go to marriage counceling and it took him 3 days to decide our marriage was important enough to try to save!  We've gone for a few months and he just doesn't understand the issues and isn't willing to put any effort into it.

 He was very controlling and never wanted any of our "issues" discussed with ANYONE so no one had a clue we were struggling.  Everyone is very surprised by my decision to divorce and think I'm rushing into this but it's been a long process, I've discussed it in therapy for years and I just don't love him anymore.  My health is suffering because of the stress and I NEED to take care of myself.

My kids think I'm being selfish and not thinking of anyone else. They think the world of their father and I think that 's great as he has been a pretty good father and I WILL NOT bad mouth him to my kids.  In not telling them more details, they have basically turned against me. 

My son is finishing college and doesn't live near home.  He'll call me occasionally but it's very uncomfortable and we were always very close in the past.

My daughter and her fiance live with us and she basically doesn't speak to me unless I talk first and then I get one word responses.  I have stayed living at home (in the basement) so I could be involved in all her wedding plans but it's not working.  If I try to discuss or explain anything she turns it into an argument.

I am at a point where I just don't know what to do.  I've lost 35 lbs in the last 3 months because of stress and I'm having a major flare of fibromyalgia.  HELP!

 My husband is finally accepting this is going to happen now that we met with a lawyer to tr a noncontested divorce but he is very angry about having to pay any spousal support.

momwhosgrowing

by on Jan. 25, 2010 at 5:34 PM
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Replies (1-10):
Des10ed2b
by on Jan. 25, 2010 at 5:38 PM

i think that is ver unfair of them. my parents divorced at 10 and even at that age i was able to accept the fact that they deserved to be happy and they were just better people when they were apart. i really dont see what the big deal is for them anyway, its not like you are in a situation where you 2 living together would even be benefiting them.

i am a proud mommy of 1 ornery 1 year old little boy and one very goofy 4 year old little girl, ive been married for 2 years, together for almost 5. fun loving, eco-friendly, creative,different strokes work for different folks, stay at home and work at home mommy!

 http://www.PerfectWorkForMoms.com     http://www.HealthySafeAndClean.com

CassE168
by on Jan. 25, 2010 at 5:55 PM

 A lot of kids have a hard time accepting that their parents are people, too; that parents haave dreams, desires, feelings, and exist outside of being a parent. I never understand when people don't want their parents to be happy. My mom & stepdad moved to Montana after I graduated HS & went to college in Indiana, & almost everyone would say how could they do that & how unfair it was to me. I always told them that I'm a perfectly capable adult & they deserve to have a life. Why should you stop living just because you have kids? That makes parents resent their children; not healthy any way you look at it. I'm sorry they can't see that it's beneficial for everyone's emotional health if you're not in this relationship anymore. Maybe you should just ask them why they wouldn't want you to be happy & tell them about how hard you've tried to work things out. They need to realize that they don't know everything, & between a mom & dad there is also a woman & a man.

mvines1021
by on Jan. 25, 2010 at 5:59 PM

I am 23 and my parents just got divorced about a year and a half ago.....it was really hard on me and my younger sister...but I do not resent my parents for it at all....if anything my mom blames me!  My parents should have gotten divorced a long time ago but they tried to work it out....without counseling...my dad would not go.  I would go to counseling for yourself....a therapist would have a lot of insight and help you deal with how your kids are reacting.  I'm going to start going to one to learn how to deal with my mom!

MagenMae
by on Jan. 26, 2010 at 5:37 AM

Sorry to hear about your unhappiness and divorce. I have been divorced and my parents were divorced. So about getting divorced I know its hard through the process but you ll come out such a stronger more independent individual and hopefully will be much happier and will love your new start and I hope you'll find someone who can love and appreciate you in every way cause your right U DO DESERVE IT!! I dint have a child with my ex but I also like you, wasnt in love anymore and wanted someone who appreciated me more. I knew he was out there and I found him in my husband now and hes a wonderful man, I didnt even realize just unhappy I was until I met my husband and experienced a healthy, loving relationship. It sounds like youve done every thing you could so now its time to work on!! I know thats hard for any mother but you only have one life to live! So good luck!

As far as my parents being divorced I was 12 and my mom left my dad. I felt like she was splitting up the family cause my dad didn't want the divorce, but my mom was cheating and married a younger man and we had all kinds of issues for a long long time. I had so much hate for her, but I she went through the same thing from my dad that you have with ur husband. I finally learned to accept her and her decisions b.c she had to do whats best for her and I understood her better also after I went through my divorce.

I know divorce is hard on a family no matter the age but being an adult I cant relate, all I can say is b/c they did see the marriage as being ok on the outside and being a possible happy childhood and marriage for them and they dont want to see that let go. I think if there adults they maybe should know what went on in the marriage that made you decide what you have, so they can better understand where your coming from, cause right now I think they see you as being the one whosindividuals and need there happiness to. So maybe be honest with them, after all your just being honest you dont have to bad mouth, its all in the delivery. My mom couldnt explain things to me b/c I was so much younger. I wish you the best of luck, and I'm here if you need to talk!

CafeMom Tickers
mrsvier
by on Jan. 27, 2010 at 11:53 PM

All children respond to divorce in pretty much the same way no matter how old they are. Unfortunately there is nothing you can do about it. My parents got divorced when I was 15. My dad fed me full of BS until not only did I agree to live with him but I absolutely couldn't stand my mom. My youngest brother always had hopes of them getting back together and blamed my mom for the situation. It took me about 2 years before the wool was pulled back from my eyes and I could see what really happened because he was doing the same to me (making me quit school and be mommy to him and my brothers) My 2 brothers are finally starting to see him for who/what he really is.

All in all you can't make them understand. They will have to get to that point on their own. The best thing I think you can do for them is to let them know that you understand how they feel and you don't blame them and that you are always there for them. Other than that only time will tell

mommys_bubbus08
by on Jan. 28, 2010 at 12:13 AM

ok, im tryin not to be a bad person or anything but right now u gotta do what u gotta do. my parents split up when i was 6 and my younger brother was only 2-3. yes it did affect us pretty hard cause i mean our parents were splitting and they hated each others guts, still do as a matter of fact. my dad has his divorce papers hanging on the wall right below his marriage certificate to my step-mom. now thats messed up, but oh well were all grown up and my and my older sister (she was 11-12 at the time of divorce) have children of our own, and my brother...well my brother is just an idiot. but u have to think about ur health. i know u care about what ur kids think, but right now its not up to them. they dont know what happend behind closed doors so theyre not gonna understand right now. they will eventually know what happend between you 2 and they'll eventually understand why u done what u done. there is a way to tell them what happend without badmouthing your estranged husband. just simply get them together one day and try as hard as u can to calmly explain that things just didnt work out and that you tried for many years to fix ur marriage, but in the end everything failed (u didnt, just sayin, in general) if they dont wanna understand, well its not up to them to decide that u need to be in a bad marriage that could eventually lead up to your death, especially with fibro. thats nothing to mess with. my mom has it and i look at her everyday with pain that shes going through. its just gonna take some time for them to understand and come to terms with whats going on, since theyre so used to seeing mom and dad together and not divorced. hope everything works out eventually for yall. 

momwhosgrowing
by on Jan. 28, 2010 at 8:27 AM

Thanks for your reply and good for you that you are seeking therapy.  I have been seeing a Christian therapist for several years and she has helped me in so many ways.  Without her,  I wouldn't have had the strength to do this.  I am just praying that as my children get older they will understand.  Best wishes to you.

momwhosgrowing
by on Jan. 28, 2010 at 8:42 AM

Thanks for your input.  My parents had a very ugly divorce and I don't want mine to reach that point and I tried to explain that to my kids but they don't want to hear it.  As a child, I would hear my parents fighting at night and pray they would get divorced.  They stayed married and we had a very disfunctional family which is something I'm trying to prevent.  I have told my husband and kids I want to remain friends with him, if possible and be able to be at family functions together.  I asked for an uncontested divorce to try to prevent things escalating and so far, we are on track with it.  The kids have seen us together and how there is no hostillity at this point so I just don't understand their reactions.  I'm sure in time it will work out but in the mean time thanks for your input and best wishes to you.

momwhosgrowing

cydney1
by on Jan. 29, 2012 at 12:39 PM

We share a lot in common.  I attended counseling for 3 years without my husband who also was controling, did not want help and was seeing other women.  In spite of knowing about their father's extra-curricular activities and dreading his coming home at night for years before we separtated, my young adult children are all angry at me.

My youngest son moved in with his father a year after we separated.  My college aged children do not visit or call.  My heart has been broken beyond expression.  I can only offer you the words that friends and professionals have shared with me:  time and maturity.  Get on with your life.  Listen to your attorney and do not let your husband use your maternal instincts to undercut your alimony, etc.  That is the first thing they try; and yes my husband has even told our kids I am taking all of his money and ruining his reputation...

I cried for two years, lost 30 pounds and still have not found my equilibrium; but I will.

I wish you nothing but the best.

amckechnie
by on Jan. 30, 2012 at 8:46 AM

Well, children are going to be angry....... just love them and don't say anything bad about your soon to be ex husband and time will heal.

I thought my world dropped out several times over the years as my children were put in lots of situations to chose one parent over the other by my ex....he was controlling too so I totally understand.

Now my children are more mature they see what I was going through...they call e way more than their dad as I have always been there for them and listened to them. Nothing is going to get fixed overnight.


I wish you all the best


Anne

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