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Please read anyone that has been in a similiar situation I could use some more advice. No bashing

Posted by on Feb. 20, 2010 at 8:50 AM
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This is kinda a long story. I was divorced from my first husband and we have 2 children together. I soon met my husband now. Who thought the child concieved from his first marriage was his. They came to live with me and my kiddos when his daughter was almost 2. Then we had our baby together. He had full custody of the little girl because mother never showed up at divorce hearing. Anyway we let girl go to her bio grandparents house on weekends. I became friends with her aunt.  I was told from the aunt and the sister of little girls mom that my husband was not the father of this child and she was now almost five years old. Hubby said he did not believe it and thier was never any mention of this. Well after my baby was born she became extreamly abusive and really physically hurting my baby to the piont I was worried that she would get up durning the night and do somethng.  I had to take her to the bathroom with me because she could not be trusted. I put her in counseling for this and they said they did not know how to help her and was nothing they could do. She was always abusive to other children even before the baby came. I ran a daycare. Also at school. Anyway I got her into med management and the meds helped but she was still not close to being safe. At this piont it is having a big toll on my marriage and other children and my baby was starting to do the things to others. My husband and I started marriage counseling and oh he refused to help me with her said he did not know what to do. I then went to the counselor for help and they turned me in to dhs. DHS said that I would have to agree to have 24 hour hotline services in place for her all day counselors and behavioralists ect. I agreed. But they said first you must schedule her for phyc eval at hospital. They amitted her for 3 weeks. They then called and said she had acused 2 boys at the hospital of sexually touching her and my boys at home as well and all of them have been under 24 hour sevaliance and pos she was never touched. They ask her why she would say something like that when they knew it wasn't true and she said because she felt like it. She also had tests. She used to tell lots of stories. Like the preschool wanted to know why i wouldn't let her wear shoes to school and she went took them off and wrapped them in a little girls shirt and hid them in a cubby, said her pappa put her in the middle of the raod and told her not to come back, her mimi took her to walmart and bought her a big knife and took her home and told her to use it, also that a man was stealing her and my son through her bedroom window and then bringing them back. Acadia hospital told me that they thought it was in my best interest not to bring her home for my kids safety. So I decided that she would not be comming back around my kiddos for our safety and we test and she indeed was not his bio child. I had to force him to give her to her bio moms parents permanancy custody. Her mom can not have her because she is a drug dealer and alcoholic. She lost her other 2 children. So justin's custody rights were never terminated for her and we have tried to change it but have to inform the bio mom of this and we can not find her. We are trying to get his name off the birth certificate but can't because they were legally married at the time of her birth. Now tanniff is saying we have to pay all the back support on her that was given by them from the time she left till the time we go to court because tanniff is taking us to court. They want us to start paying childsupport. I don't know what to do. I can't have her back in this house. We can't afford to pay and I don't personally feel we should have to. I feel they should find her bio dad and make him pay. We can barely support our own. I am high risk pregnancy and can't work and have 3 children and 1 on the way and my husband only has a temporary job for another month. The people she is staying with make 70,000 year we make 19,000 year. Also hubby's parents still aparently see her and they told me that it's all my fault and i am a horrible person and then his mom went on to tell me she does not like my son and he has a shit eating grin on his face all the time and she can't stand to be around him because he rubbs her the wrong way but she thinks it's time we put our family back together again. Hubby is mad because i won't go down and visit. I don't think so. I do feel bad for this little girl and feel horrible about the whole situation but feel like I did what I had to to protect my children. What would you do in this situation? I said to husband when i gave him the chioce. I said you can take her and live somewhere else but i am so sorry to say i will not allow my children your daughter to see you around her. It was a horrible decision to make but I know if I hadn't we would have lost all of them to state because they already said it was neglect on my part for not reporting it myself and for allowing it to go on so long although I don't know how they can say that when I right away started putting this girl into services. Now this little girl has no dad and no mom but does live with her sister and don't know how she is just that thier has been one investigation since her living thier.

by on Feb. 20, 2010 at 8:50 AM
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by on Feb. 20, 2010 at 10:58 AM

I understand your choice! You can't allow your kids to be abused or yourselves either! I feel sorry for the little girl, not her fault all this happened. Her behavior is indicative of her raising and what she has been taught. I hope she gets the help she needs and you can mend your relationships! Good luck!! :)

by on Feb. 20, 2010 at 1:02 PM

It was hard to follow the whole story, but I think I got the gist of it.

Unfortunately, I can relate to some of this - but from your husband's side. My son has mental disorders that have caused strain on our family, and my DH is not the bio-dad but has adopted my son since his bio-f signed over his rights. His bio-f and a lot of his family has mental disorders including Bipolar Disorder.

I see red flags all over this little girl for mental illness, right down to her bio-m and possibly her bio-f family history. Because this hits so close to home, I personally would have done whatever I could to help this girl and not abandon her. But if you don't have the passion to do that, then you should at least try and get her into the best situation possible. I just beg of you, think about her as you try to figure all of this out.

I don't know how old she is now, or who has her and is demanding child support, but if you can get a family member to adopt her, and your husband signs his rights as a parent, then that should relieve you of your support requirements. You'll probably still have to pay back pay, but it is what it is.

Good luck, and I really hope this poor girl finds the help she needs.


by on Feb. 20, 2010 at 3:24 PM

First off I want to say that I think you did do al that you could do. I think you are really getting shit on by your inlaws and your husband needs to screw his head on straight and get some things taken care of. First and foremost he needs to get his name taken off that birth certificate. I don't know anything about this but now that paternity was established he should be able to use those documents in court to get out of the child support. It sounds as though you might have to do allot of the leg work yourself since he doesn't seem to be very helpful in any of it. Figure all that out and then make sue he shows up for the court date.

I don't know who said it was neglect on your part for letting it go on for so long. I'm guessing child protective services or something along those lines. If all you said is true and you brought her to therapists and Dr.s and an in-patient program that proves you clearly were not ingnoring the problem. I tell ya, the system is so backwards in this country when it comes to these matters. There can be an actual child being abused and they do nothing about it. But they take a case like this and instead of helping you they become a source of more stress. I guess my only advise in this area is to be very careful about who you trust and what yousay to these people. Until you find someone who truely seems like they are there to help you.

Sad to say, but it sounds like this little girl amy have some sort of psychological disorder, l'm probably speaking the obviouse here! Schizophrenia, or a severe case of bi-polar.  

Back to the child support issue. Have you spoken to his case worker. Everyone who pays is asigned to one. Maybe they could help you. And it might be best to speak to them in person rather over the phone so they get that you are sincere and not trying to load this girl off on someone else.

I think you have done the right thig to try and protect your family, your children most of all. It's sad that her behavior has already rubbed off on your little one. At least your little one doesn't have the issues this girl has. Now that she isn't there anymore a little effort on your part will put your kids back on the right track since they are capable of knowing the difference between right and wrong.

If you ever need someone to talk to you could always drop by, leave me a note if I'm not on. Good Luck and stay strong! you are doing the right thing!

by on Feb. 20, 2010 at 3:32 PM

First I will tell you what I know. She was almost 2 when I got her. She lived with her bio mom and my husband. From the time her mom found out she was preggo she wanted to aboard her but my husband said no way. She did drugs and alcohol the whole pregnancy as well as smoked. The day she brought baby home she would wait untill my husband went to work and then call her mom to come get baby and make sure she was back with her right before hubby got home to make herself look good. When her mom couldn't take her she would throw raging parties and lock this kid in the back room and ignore her. When I got her she knew how to smoke a cigerette and believe it or not she had very provocitive dancing down. I got her out of those habbits she picked up from her mom. She is only 5 and 1\2 now.

by on Feb. 20, 2010 at 3:40 PM

Wow, that's a mess. I don't know what to tell you.

by on Feb. 20, 2010 at 3:41 PM

When we signed over rights it was the agreement that we see her when ever we wanted to with none of the other children and that they abide and do the testing scheduled for her. The hospital and myself had scheduled some  tests like mri, genetic testing like alcohol and drug, developemental testing all kinds of things and the agrement was they would only release her if this was followed through with. The bio grandparents don't believe there is anything wrong with her and they ignored all the testing. They broke thier promise on letting us see her and won't let us even talk to her. I don't feel like I abandoned her with all the programs and things I tried. I was the only one trying and my hubby refused to get involved and it was 4 children to me. I have a child with adhd myself and he is difficult. She had adhd, bipolar, odd and who knows what else. It got to the point that it was eaither my kids or her and it was my duty to protect the children I brought into this world. I feel her bio mom is the one who hurt her. I do think about her all the time and feel awful for what she has been through.  I only hope her mother grows up.

by on Feb. 20, 2010 at 3:58 PM

The bio granparents that have her applied for tanniff and they are the ones that are taking us to court because they are saying even if the judge goes with this on us we still have to pay back untill judge decides diff or atleast till court hearing which will be atleast a year of pay owed. They said we can probably get his name off birth record but in the eyes of the law when hubby and ex was divorced she did not show up so he got legal full custody of her. Wheather he is bio dad or not they were married at the time of her birth so he is her father and nothing we can do unless we can get her mother to say she knew hubby was not the dad and name the father. We know she won't. They are also saying hubby can't claim my boys because they are not his and he only has one bio child he can claim so he will be paying lots of child support. It just isn't fair. I talked to a lawyer as free consultation and they said most likely they will side with little girl because the mother can't legally have her and they won't want to make her a bastard child. If we have to pay for her we can't know way support the kids we have now. I am torn and can't help resenting him for all this. Somtimes I think it is his fault for being with her when he knew her reputation and knew she was on drugs when he met her. I know it's wrong to think this but I do and he hasn't delt with any of this and it's all still stuck on my shoulders. Also when we gave her up we gave them everything they would need for her for 2 years except food and shelter. She has mainecare. Things like bed, clothing all year round for 3 diff sizes, shoes,toys plates,cups,bedding,pillows, all season jackets,hats,mittens,boots,sneakers, bike,sled, everything. I think some of that should go towards back pay. My opinion but i am sure it won't. This whol thing sucks. He still wants me to be chummy with his parents and forget what they said about my son just because thier pissed about the situation. He infuriates me sometimes.

by on Feb. 21, 2010 at 8:07 AM

I feel sorry fro the little girl.

I have custody of a little girl who has been diagnosed the same as your stepdaughter...but she ws offered meds and we perservered...the child is better now and we a family!  She didnt ask for a crazy momma but she got one...she didnt ask for family drama, but she got it.


Tell the counsellor you need family counselling, tell DH that he accepted the challenge, you married him knowing he had a child, his bio or not...and give the girl a chance at normalcy  every kid deserves a chance and someone to fight for them! .

by on Feb. 21, 2010 at 9:41 AM

You are lucky meds worked and no it is not her fault but the other kids did not deserve what was happening either. What works with one child does not always work with another. I did try. I told hubby from the first day I met her she def. needed one on one all the time. As she got older it continued to get worse. When she hurt others she had no remorse just stand thier and laugh. She has many more probs than I listed here. I have worked with kids my whole life and havn't seen anything like it. I do respite care now with very troubled kids. She would be very sweet and then turn violent and mean. It is very sad she has started so young and if hadn't experienced it I never would have believed someone so young could have so many problems. I would not have given her up if thier was any other chioce I know what that does to children first hand I have 2 little boys that have been abandoned by thier dad and he does not want to see them again. It is hurtful and thats why we had an agreement to continue seeing her afterwards that was broken.

by on Feb. 21, 2010 at 9:57 AM

Hi I had a situation like this but it was with my bio child. If you  would like to find out my situation, email me and  we can talk.

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