Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

Hubby Vent Need Help

Posted by on Dec. 9, 2010 at 11:01 PM
  • 9 Replies
  • 239 Total Views

So my hubby and i have been together for five years now...almost two of  them married. Lately he has been secretive about how much money is on his paychecks..he wont let me see what he makes. He wants to buy all these extras we dont need right now. He is always wanting to hang out at a friends house no matter what day it is. I have to beg for time with him. When i talked about it with him the other day he started to cry and says he doesnt want anyone else and that he will fix everything. well i havent started to see any change at all. Divorce has been crossing my mind but it hurts me to think about it for the fact of our son. I have no idea what to do. His parents suggested we try counseling but he doesnt want to do it..he thinks we shouldnt need help with our marriage...HELP

by on Dec. 9, 2010 at 11:01 PM
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Replies (1-9):
xmansmommy23
by on Dec. 10, 2010 at 12:10 AM

BUMP!

napps
by on Dec. 10, 2010 at 12:10 AM

first off...i am sorry for your situation!

secondly...is it any possibility that he may have a surprise planned for you and he doesn't want you to know about it (you know, on a count of it being a surprise?)

the last thing...and i sooooo don't WANT to be right...but you think maybe he's seeing someone else?  either that or maybe he has been hanging out with the wrong kind of men/friends and they are telling him that all these secrets are ok?

xmansmommy23
by on Dec. 10, 2010 at 12:13 AM


Quoting napps:

first off...i am sorry for your situation!

secondly...is it any possibility that he may have a surprise planned for you and he doesn't want you to know about it (you know, on a count of it being a surprise?)

the last thing...and i sooooo don't WANT to be right...but you think maybe he's seeing someone else?  either that or maybe he has been hanging out with the wrong kind of men/friends and they are telling him that all these secrets are ok?

its been going on for a couple of months now...and he only hangs out with this one friend who seems kinda immature..there are times where he wont answer his phone when i call him...he says he doesnt need to be checked on

napps
by on Dec. 10, 2010 at 2:46 AM


Quoting xmansmommy23:

 

Quoting napps:

first off...i am sorry for your situation!

secondly...is it any possibility that he may have a surprise planned for you and he doesn't want you to know about it (you know, on a count of it being a surprise?)

the last thing...and i sooooo don't WANT to be right...but you think maybe he's seeing someone else?  either that or maybe he has been hanging out with the wrong kind of men/friends and they are telling him that all these secrets are ok?

its been going on for a couple of months now...and he only hangs out with this one friend who seems kinda immature..there are times where he wont answer his phone when i call him...he says he doesnt need to be checked on

i'm sorry dear..i hate to be 'that' person...but it's either he's messing around or planning on messing around...or there's something up with this immature friend.  either way, i don't wanna suggest divorce but it doesn't 'seem' hopeless...but i'm not in your shoes.  i was cheated on by my hubby before and during the marriage.  i love him, but i'm not 'in love' with him like i used to be.  it used to be a joy to see him, be with him...all that.  but because of the cheating, the lies, the making me look like a fool where i have to play detective...the putting others before me...i'm just to a point where i stay because i want him to achieve all that God has for him (and he'll need help to do that) and, i stay for the kids.

i'm not sure what to tell you to do other than try talking to him...maybe get him to a point where he has no other option but to open up and be honest (and you may not like what you hear, but it's honesty!)....you may need to 'take a break' and go stay with your family until HE makes the move to get it together.

also, do you think he's going through the cliche` 'mid life crisis' that supposedly males go through...like the equivalent to our menapause?  my brother also was going through a thing where he was TRIPPING big time and his wife (my poor sister-in-law) suffering because of it.  he is like 40ish...so i don't know..i wish i could help you more!

i will be praying for you!

shelfreemomof3
by on Dec. 10, 2010 at 5:06 AM

Both of my husbands went through this around the 5-7 year mark.  My first husband was an alcoholic and a cheater, my second husband whom I have been with longer was very immature for a long time.  When he began acting like a jackass, hiding money, stealing checks from the back of the check book, lying, being gone all the time, hanging out with that one certain friend every spare moment and defending his behavior with agression:  I became junior detective and found out that he was not cheating in the conventional way, he was strung out on meth which wasn't any better.  I'm sorry to not have any better thing to say, I'm sorry you are having to go through this especially when there is kiddos involved BUT there is a bright side to this story.  He got his act together, that was almost 10 years ago and we have been together for 15.  It took that long for him to get grown up enough to take our relationship seriously.  Not sure what advice to give you because he had to go jail to get his head out of his ass but it worked.  He has never touched drugs again and he has grown into the most awesome husband and father so there is hope.  All I did after finding out about his secret was pray for him, pray for him to get caught and pray for him to see all he stands to lose and for the courage to walk out the door with my 3 kids if he didn't.  It worked.  Best of luck to ya hun!

prettygirl326
by on Dec. 10, 2010 at 5:14 AM

 Well when you talked about it, what were you talking about? It looks to me that he told on himself....He is extremely guilty of something. You only talked to him and he CRIED saying that HE DON'T WANT ANYONE ELSE and being SECRETIVE and all, doesn't make sense to me....could be the way you worded it all here, but I think the next time he says he's at his friends house, call his friend or call him while he's there. I can't say if he's cheating or not, but he's up to something....if were able to have full access to his account or his paycheck and never once hid it from you, what reason does he have to do it now, and why buy the stuff you don't need....some men do things like that to cover themselves, like buying you presents or the kids presents out of the blue after they have been with someone else to make themselves feel less guilty....I don't know, but it's something to think about! Divorce is an option, but you need to have a plan B and have some sort of proof or confession out of him. Good luck!

shelfreemomof3
by on Dec. 10, 2010 at 5:58 AM


Quoting napps:

 i'm sorry dear..i hate to be 'that' person...but it's either he's messing around or planning on messing around...or there's something up with this immature friend.  either way, i don't wanna suggest divorce but it doesn't 'seem' hopeless...but i'm not in your shoes.  i was cheated on by my hubby before and during the marriage.  i love him, but i'm not 'in love' with him like i used to be.  it used to be a joy to see him, be with him...all that.  but because of the cheating, the lies, the making me look like a fool where i have to play detective...the putting others before me...i'm just to a point where i stay because i want him to achieve all that God has for him (and he'll need help to do that) and, i stay for the kids.

you may need to 'take a break' and go stay with your family until HE makes the move to get it together.


 

I am sorry and now I hate to be that person but I would like to ask you to just reflect on your own words for just a moment by reading what you just wrote.  My first reaction to reading that was "how sad, that's too bad" and then I read your profile and I realize there are circumstances that keep you bound to this man for a moment.  I want you to know right now before I go any farther that I feel a strong conviction to encourage you and not to make you feel bad but empowered.  Using your own words to prove my point, what he has done to you already is a total deal breaker in any relationship.  He has cheated on you more than once, lied to you, made you look like a fool and put others before you and the kids and is now holding you  hostage to a life and a love that has no joy in it.  You are staying because you want him to achieve all that God has for him and he needs your help to do that?  Wrong.  On the contrary, he will NEVER acheive all that God has for him until HE is ready to confess his adultery and surrender HIS own life unto God's will and there is nothing in the world that you can do to help him do that.  God doesn't need your help to move in his life and you staying may be the stumbling block in the way of God getting his attention.  And staying for the kids?  You are not doing them any favors by staying with a man who habitually cheats and will again because you have consistently let him get by with it.  Children learn by example so instead what you are doing by allowing your husband to mistreat you, is showing your son that it is ok to treat women this way and your daughter that it's ok to be treated that way.   Do you truly believe that this is what God has planned for you?  A half-life?  No mam, His intentions for his children are that we live abundant lives full of joy and peace of mind.  Be honest with yourself and stop making weak excuses and admit that you are staying and settling because you are afraid not to.  It's a hefty decision to make and it takes guts and sacrifice and courage and love for yourself to make it happen but trust me it can be done and if he is the one intended for you, he will come around.  If he isn't then God has someone better in mind.  I myself do not condone in divorce and I know God is not in the business of breaking families apart but biblically your husband has already broken the covenant of your marriage and you are free to go.  I hope your situation improves, life is to short to be miserable.  I will be praying for you!  Be blessed girl!

xmansmommy23
by on Dec. 10, 2010 at 1:03 PM


Quoting prettygirl326:

 Well when you talked about it, what were you talking about? It looks to me that he told on himself....He is extremely guilty of something. You only talked to him and he CRIED saying that HE DON'T WANT ANYONE ELSE and being SECRETIVE and all, doesn't make sense to me....could be the way you worded it all here, but I think the next time he says he's at his friends house, call his friend or call him while he's there. I can't say if he's cheating or not, but he's up to something....if were able to have full access to his account or his paycheck and never once hid it from you, what reason does he have to do it now, and why buy the stuff you don't need....some men do things like that to cover themselves, like buying you presents or the kids presents out of the blue after they have been with someone else to make themselves feel less guilty....I don't know, but it's something to think about! Divorce is an option, but you need to have a plan B and have some sort of proof or confession out of him. Good luck!

we were both upset when he started to cry...i dont know i have never seen him cry except after our son was born.  and he doesnt buy me presents out of the blue....its stuff for himself. I dont want a divorce but i am not really happy either.  Its all confusing because what if it is all nothing and i am blowing it out of proportion.

Betutah
by on Dec. 10, 2010 at 3:09 PM

I hope that you are not headed for divorce but this is a red flag. You need to get a part time job or but money to hate side just in case he leaves.Check local woman groups for help and legal but always have your money.Good luck.

Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)