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I REALLY need advice!! Please help. kind of long.( updated)

Posted by on May. 8, 2009 at 8:13 AM
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 Everyone knows that Mother's Day is on Sunday. I live in Alabama and in the south a lot of people decorate graves on Mother's Day, my family does. Well, my daddy died last June 23, And I am having a VERY hard time with it. I hardly sleep or eat, and I am sad or angry all the time. I am on an antidepressant and am going to therapy, but it's not helping. I haven't been to daddy's grave yet, because part of me still believes that he is coming home, and going there will make it too real for me and I can't handle it. But everyone is on me that I have to go with my mama, my sister and her kids, my grandmother, and my daughter to put the flowers on his grave. Everyone has been up there except me, my 5 year old has gone with my mama. But I just CAN'T go. I don't know what to do. I want to be there for my mama because she tells me even though my sister is going she wants me there because I am her daughter ( my sister and I are half sisters, same daddy different mom, although my mama has been there since my sis was 3), and she needs me. I don't want to hurt her, but I don't know what to do. My mama and my husband are already worried about me now because I am so sad, and I know if I go to the grave I will be 10 times worse than I am now. HELP!!!! What do I do?? Oh, also when I do finally go I want to do it alone.

Well My mama really wants me to go so we talked and made a deal. I will try to go, but my husband and I are going to take our own car. If I feel I can't handle it I can leave and I don't have to go to the actual grave if I don't want to. We have family buried all over that cemetary and it is pretty small. So I will be with the family but I only have to do what I am comfortable with.

I want to really thank all of you for your advice, this has been the hardest 10 months of my life. I am really dreading June because in 1 week I have June 21 (Father's Day), June 23 (1 year since he died), June 25 ( would have been Daddy's 63rd birthday), and June 27 (1 year since we buried him and my husbands and mine 11th wedding anniversary). So I will be on here needing a lot of help!!! Thanks guys.

by on May. 8, 2009 at 8:13 AM
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by on May. 8, 2009 at 8:19 AM

tell them that you would prefer to go alone..maybe go today or tomorrow before mother's day. but i know its going to be real upseting and a shoulder to cry on is always nice! if you go it might give you some closure...he may be gone forever, but forever in your heart he will be.

by on May. 8, 2009 at 8:23 AM

everyone grieves in their own way and on their own time, dont force yourself to go to his grave if youre not ready yet, I would suggest trying to sit down and talk to your mom and explain how youre feeling and hope she will understand. im sorry for your loss I hope things get better!

by on May. 8, 2009 at 8:26 AM

I had the same trouble when my dad died then I started researching and found out about NDE's. It helped me alot. Plaease check it out. It stopped my anxiety and helped me see my dad was ok. And I have no anxiety or fear about it anymore. I was a mess for a long time  I think this may give you some comfort. Pm me if you want. I have done alot of research. In any case don't let anyone force you into anything your not ready for it wouldn't help anyone and could make you feel worse.

by on May. 8, 2009 at 8:45 AM

First let me say that I am terribly sorry for your loss... Losing a parent is never easy, but a dad that's the man of your life. I lost my dad at 15... The pain is UNREAL. The only advice I have for you, I am not even sure if you want advice or are open to advice, is to take the personal time, alone and go see your dad... It's closure, a way for you to begin healing. I waited 4 1/2 years to see my dad, until the day they laid my grandpa next to him... It was a huge sense of relief... there he was. I touched his headstone I gave him flowers.... I laid and talked to him...I screamed, I yelled, I sobbed uncontrollably I hit the ground in anger. I asked God why.... It was my alone time to let it all out... to become one with myself, my dad, and God... I couldn't believe that I avoided him for so long.... there he was and I stayed gone... I know its hard and no words can explain the sense of loss and desperation you feel right now.... but he wouldn't want you to live this way.... He wouldn't want you to be angry or sad or tense or stressed all the time... What is causing those emotions is the fact that you have no closure... I wish the best for you and I am here if you need to talk....

My daughter has limb girdle muscular dystrophy. She may waddle, she may fall, but she is not ignorant. She sees you stare. She hears you snicker. Her heart aches like mine and yours when people laugh at her. Be polite and ask about her condition rather than be rude and make fun of her. Please educate yourself, as I can only educate her so much about ignorance and stupidity. I can only tell her so much about just how cruel the world can be.


by on May. 8, 2009 at 2:55 PM

My mom passed 4 yrs ago.  She was one of my best friends.  We were very close.  I go to her grave and talk to her.  I cry.  I tell her things out loud that I cannot tell anyone else.  She won't tell either.  This may sound weird, but I believe that I still have a relationship with her it's just different.  No, I can't hear her talk back to me, but I know her well enough to know what she would say.  No, she can't comfort me like before, but I know she would.  She may be gone, but no one or nothing will change the fact that she is my mamma.  Truthfully, Mother's day is the hardest day for me to get through since she passed.

Your dad raised you, his integrity, honesty, love, compassion, and probably a little of his personality lives inside you.  So he's not really gone, he just no longer resides in a body form.  You can think of him anytime you want.  Closure isn't forgetting about him.  It's just learning to think of him differently.  He will alway be your daddy.  Death did not change that.




by on May. 8, 2009 at 3:00 PM

Tell them your sorry but your just not ready for that yet, some people heal faster than others and deal with situations like this differently. You know there herting but so are you and if your that sad maybe it's just not time, why make yourself worse, you will go in time anyway.

by on May. 8, 2009 at 3:12 PM

Many people grieves in different ways. You need to stand FIRM on what you feel right now. One lady said this on a talk show and it's stuck with me. Death is nothing to get over it's something you go through,,, and that's in YOUR own time. Although your doing everything right. You need to find a support group as well, People that will understand what your going through. Your not alone. They need to respect your feelings as you respect theirs... as all southerners do right?You hang in there girl!

by on May. 8, 2009 at 3:37 PM

Here is my opinion. My hubby was the same way when his mother passed away. And to be honest I was having a hard time dealing with him. I know he was close to his mom but the way he was feeling, acting, lack of acceptance etc was putting a huge strain on our marriage. He too was on antidepressants and in therapy and he still hadn't started to accept his mother's death. I can't nor would I try to understand how he was feeling but I had to do something. He wanted to go to his mother's grave site (not sure what it's called since she was cremated and put into a thing in a wall) and he wanted to go alone but yet he knew he couldn't bring himself to do it. I took him and walked with him up to the "grave" and the i walked away. I was nearby if he needed me but far enough away that he felt he had so privacy.

He cried, yelled, talked, etc. We were there a couple hours and it helped him immensly. At the time I was about 7 months pregnant with our first baby (i got preggo right after she passed away) and he introduced our daughter to his mom etc. He felt a lot better after going but it was definitely an emotional drain. He definitely started to improve and he started accepting his mom's death. His mom passed away 4 years ago and while he hasn't visited her grave a lot he has changed and accepted that she is gone.

I can understand wanting to go alone but having someone drive you might be a good idea since it will definitely be hard. I think you really need to go and get some emotions out. It would help you start to accept his death which is what you need to do. By going it won't all of the sudden be ok that he is gone but it isn't healthy for you to think that he is going to one day come back. It has been almost a year and you need to be able to heal too. Your dad wouldn't want you to be missing out on your life and living it because he is gone. He is always with you in your heart and watching over you.

I hope that i didn't come across harshly as that was not my intent. Sorry if i did and if i repeated myself over and over. Feel free to pm me if you want to chat some more. I am also very sorry for your loss.

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