Hi ladies...i just joined today, and thought i'd share my angel's story. i never get tired of talking about her....
I had the most normal pregnancy you could hope for. except for being fat and cranky, i had no complications at all. i was healthy, the baby was healthy, everything was going as planned. at my 20 week ultrasound, we were told to expect a little boy! i was excited, because i'm a bit of a tomboy myself, and the prospect of pink, and barbies and fairy princesses was a little daunting! we picked the name Logan Timothy for our son. at my 37 week exam, my dr said...."hmmm. i think that may be the rump that's down, not the head. let's do an ultrasound" sure enough, the little one was breech. the head had been tucked in my ribs for some time. at that point, there was not much room for the baby to turn around, but i played music low on my belly the folowing week, trying to get it to turn on it's own. i didn't want to have an aversion done. we ended up scheduling a csection for July 27, 2007 at 12:30 in the afternoon....a week before my August 4th due date. the night before surgery, we went to bed early, nervous and excited that we'd finally get to meet "the bean". i woke up around 2:15 with a stomach ache, got up to use the bathroom, and felt better, so i went back to bed. maybe 15 mintues later, i was having the same feeling. contractions? i started watching the clock, and sure enough, every 15 minutes or so, i'd get that ache. i thought "perfect! the baby WANTS to be born on this day!" i tried to relax a little, not worried, but ready to wake my husband and tell him we needed to go to the hospital a few hours early. at 3:15am, i got up and my water broke. i don't think my husband remembers driving to the hospital, he was so nervous! by 6am, i was in the OR, waiting for my spinal block to kick in. it didn't kick in. rather than re-doing the block, my dr decided just to put me to sleep. my husband didn't get to come in the room. i woke up around 8:30 am i think, groggy, and in pain. they kept me pretty doped up, but after a little while, the nurse started talking to me, and told me what a beautiful baby girl i had. a GIRL!!!!!!!! holy crap...we had a little girl! gone were the apprehensions about pink girly clothes and dresses and hair ribbons, i just wanted to see her! i finally got to meet my girl at 10:30. i was shocked at how beautiful she was, that she was MINE, and floored at how much i loved her. she was 7lb, 6oz, and 20 inches...perfect. it was like nothing prior to that moment in my life had ever mattered, nothing bad had ever happened, and every joyous moment i had ever experienced paled in comparison to how she made me feel. my husband was smitten. head over heels. he'd been with her the whole time while i was in recovery, and was so proud of his little girl. we hadn't picked a name....ian (my husband) asked me a little later what i thought of the name Gabriella. he said the moment she was handed to him, she looked at him, and he looked at her, and the name came to him as clearly as if she'd introduced herself to him. Gabriella was perfect. Gabriella Marie. i started calling her Gabby right away, and it was who she was. We took her home days later, drowsy, and happy and amazed by her. she grew fast, and was so strong. she could lift her head by the time she was 2 weeks old. she wanted to crawl when we'd put her on her tummy for tummy-time. she laughed at 3 weeks....a real happy laugh, not a cute sound we try to say is a laugh. she had a little crooked mouth, perfect cheeks for kissing, just a peach fuzz head of hair, and big eyes that looked right into your soul. when she'd sleep, sometimes one eye would open...her "hawkeye". i did the same thing as a baby. she had her daddy's long feet and my nose. she had his wide set eyes, and my hands. every day, she astounded me. we took her for her 1 month checkup on August 23, 2007. she hadn't fed very well the night before, and had been unusually fussy. i mentioned it to her pediatrician, who said she might just be a little gassy, and not to worry. she was perfect...growing like a weed. we took her home, and ian left for work. throughout the day, Gabby was sleepier than normal, but i didn't think much of it. newborns sleep a lot. i started to worry later in the afternoon, because she still hadn't fed as well as she normally did. ian called to check in around 4:30, and i told him i was concerned. he jokingly told me i was just being hormonal, and she'd eat when she was hungry. i told myself he was right, i was overreacting...new moms have a tendency to do that. ian called again at 5:30 to tell me he was on his way home. i had been working on Gabby's baby book, and she was sleeping right next to me. i picked her up and rocked her a little. she looked at me with her "hawkeye", and went back to sleep. a few minutes later, i was in a panic. i didn't see her chest moving, and right then ian walked in the door. i stood up with her, and i heard her take a little breath. "Gabby! you scared mama!" i told her. ian came to take her from me after he changed his shirt, so they could have their cuddle time like they always did when he got home. he tried to wake her. she always woke up when daddy came home. not this time. she didn't wake up. she wasn't breathing! we called 911 and started cpr immediatley. medics got here in less than 5 minutes.....i could hear the sirens coming, as ian worked on Gabby and i willed her to breathe with everything i had. they took over for us, and made us wait outside. all the neighbors were out wondering why there was an ambulance, a fire truck and 5 or 6 cop cars on our normally quiet street. we talked to the cops, and answered their questions. my ears strained to hear her cry....to hear anything from her. they worked on her in our house for about 20 minutes before taking her to the hospital. when they ran out with her on the stretcher, her little arm was hanging off the side. then i KNEW. my mind had been racing, thinking that if they could just get her breating, things would be ok. i even thought about the possibliity of her having brain damage from no oxygen, and that was ok too, as long as they got her back. i vaguely remember us getting into the truck, and following a cop car to the hospital. they gave us a private room....one of those little ones where they put people who don't get to take someone home with them. some time later, a nurse came in and said "it's not looking good". what the fuck did that mean?! two chaplains came in and i told them to leave. i wanted to see her. a woman from the san diego tauma intervention team was with us by now. i didn't know such a thing existed. ian didn't say a word. he just looked at the floor, with the most heartbreaking expression on his face...i wish i could erase it from my mind. we went to see her. she was tiny and pale, and hooked up to all kinds of machines. they wrapped her in a blanket and brought us some chairs. i lost it.i held my tiny beautiful girl and begged her to stay. why was she leaving us? it wasn't real! how could it be real?! how was i supposed to say goodbye to her? i don't know how long i held her. the nurses asked me if i wanted a lock of her hair. i don't remember answering them. i don't remember leaving her, or going back to the private room. i remember the woman from the Trauma Intervention handing me a tiny teddy bear, and wanting to throw it at her. she must have read my mind, because she said gently..."it's just something to hold on to." the medics and firefighters who had worked on Gabby at the house came in to see us. they said how sorry they were, and i felt awful for them too, because i knew how hard it must have been to work on a tiny baby. we had to wait for the county medical examiner to arrive, and answer a police team investigation before we could go home. standard protocol in california, when a baby dies suddenly. i barely remember answering any of their questions. ian and i were questioned seperatley. we had hardly said 2 words to each other since we got to the hospital. i was a wreck, and he was silent. his parents came to be with us, and his sister. i called my family and told them Gabby was gone. i barely remember that. we had gotten to the hospital around 6:30, and didn't go home until almost midnight. the ME came in and told us shortly before we left that it looked like SIDS, and an autopsy would be done the next day. we went home to a house that looked like a warzone, and felt like ten tons of bricks crushing us. the silence was unbearable. Gabby's papasan swing sat in the living room. empty. her bassinet was right at my bedside....empty. ian put them in the bedroom that was supposed to be hers and closed the door. there was debris from the paramedics allover the place...wrappers, and tape, and syringe caps. there was also a little satin box....from the hospital. Jennifer, the lady from the trauma intervention, had accompanied the police to our house to finish the investigation before we could go home, and had brought the box with her. inside was a little bag with some of Gabby's hair in it, and her footprints. i think there was also a little ring to wear on a necklace in it. i set it aside. i couldn't look at it then. ian and i sat out in our backyard until almost 4 in the morning, sharing a bottle of bourbon. i hadn't had a drink in almost a year...since before i got pregnant, but i couldn't get drunk. the next night, i had a dream that Gabby came to me. she kissed me on the cheek and told me she wasn't hungry. i woke up right after it....i know it was more than a dream. i know it was that beautiful girl saying goodbye and telling me she was ok. Gabby was 27 days old when she passed away. no reason for her death was found, and it was ruled as SIDS. tomorrow is her first Angel day, and i miss her as much right now as i did almost one year ago. you don't get over the death of your child, you just kind of stumble through it, and lord knows we're still stumbling. if you read all the way to the end of this, thank you so much, i know it's a book by now.
~heather
My dear that is a heartwrenching story. I want you to know I am here as a shoulder to cry on. I know it is the most painful experience in this world to lose an innocent child. I still dont fully understand SIDS...I jus think there is no reason. But just remember you have a precious angel girl up there looking after you and your husband!!!
omg hun thats so heartwrenching. I'm still in tears thank you for sharing your story with the group. I didn't loose my son to sids at least thats not what the drs think we didn't allow an autopsy he had several problems according to them that caused the death, but no matter how you loose a child its still heartbreaking and your right you never do get over something like that you just learn how to stumble your way through it. I will keep you and your hubby in my prayers. Its scary to pick your baby up and find that there not breathing probably the scareist thing out there my heart goes out to you and I know your angel is watching over you
I feel so compelled to write to you. I lost my daughter Berkley a little over a year ago. Even tough her death certificate says undetermined, I truly feel in my heart that it was SIDS. I read your story with tears in my eyes because I've been there. After reading about your sweet Gabby, I noticed that time and date of when you posted it. This is a bit erie but you posted it on Aug 22 at 7:17. We laid our Berkley to rest on Aug 22 and she was born on 7-17. Its little things like that that reminds me of her and I think its her way of letting me know she's still here watching over me. My heart goes out to you and your husband. God bless!
Erin
thank you....i've had many odd things like that happen with Gabby.....andi currently have a friend with a daughter named Berklie. Gabby was born 7/27/07. she lived for 27 days. her time of death was 7:37. the letter G is the 7th letter of the alphabet, and Gabriella means "heroine of God". her funeral service was 7 days after she passed. her 7 month angel-versary fell on Easter sunday. i think there are some i am forgetting...we've seen so many 7's since she left, i can't keep track of them all.
i am sorry for the loss of your little one, too. Gabby's death certificate also says "undetermined", but the ME classified it as SIDS since there was no other reason. i wish you peace and healing...thank you for your response.
Quoting eribble:
I feel so compelled to write to you. I lost my daughter Berkley a little over a year ago. Even tough her death certificate says undetermined, I truly feel in my heart that it was SIDS. I read your story with tears in my eyes because I've been there. After reading about your sweet Gabby, I noticed that time and date of when you posted it. This is a bit erie but you posted it on Aug 22 at 7:17. We laid our Berkley to rest on Aug 22 and she was born on 7-17. Its little things like that that reminds me of her and I think its her way of letting me know she's still here watching over me. My heart goes out to you and your husband. God bless!
Erin
thank you mama, and i'm so sorry for your loss. it doesn't matter how you lose them, it hurts all the same. in california, they automatically do an autopsy if there is no apparent reason for the death of an infant, we weren't given a choice....but i think i would have done one anyway, just to KNOW if there was something wrong. i still don't have a "why". bless you, mama....
Quoting one_white_rose:
omg hun thats so heartwrenching. I'm still in tears thank you for sharing your story with the group. I didn't loose my son to sids at least thats not what the drs think we didn't allow an autopsy he had several problems according to them that caused the death, but no matter how you loose a child its still heartbreaking and your right you never do get over something like that you just learn how to stumble your way through it. I will keep you and your hubby in my prayers. Its scary to pick your baby up and find that there not breathing probably the scareist thing out there my heart goes out to you and I know your angel is watching over you
thank you....i really appreciate the kind words. i don't understand SIDS either, and i think it's unacceptable as a country that we allow it to happen without more diligent research. SIDS seems to get swept aside by other diseases and conditions....cancer, diabetes, to name a few. not that these don't also deserve the attention that is given to them, it's just frustrating that we allow babies to die for no reason, and many people i talk to have never heard of sids. i had someone....a parent...ask me after Gabby passed away "how'd she get sids?". you don't "get" sids, it just happens. losing Gabby has compelled me to do whatever i can to raise awareness. i talk to anyone that asks me about it. it's hard because im still grieving so much for her, but she gave me a strength i never knew i had.
Quoting TwistedMama27:
My dear that is a heartwrenching story. I want you to know I am here as a shoulder to cry on. I know it is the most painful experience in this world to lose an innocent child. I still dont fully understand SIDS...I jus think there is no reason. But just remember you have a precious angel girl up there looking after you and your husband!!!
Your story is so sad..... It made me cry reading it and imagining what you and your husband went through on that day. I am so sorry for your loss. I don't know what else to say, i wish i could make it better for you in some way but i know there is nothing anyone could possibly do to make this better. God bless you and your husband. I hope peace finds you in some way.
You will see your daughter again. There is a heaven and that sweet little girl is waiting in God's arms until the day she can be back in yours.
I am so sorry for your tragic, senseless loss. I am not a mother of a SIDS baby, but an aunt. I can't say I know how you all feel. I know my pain, but I don't imagine, unless you've been there, you can relate to a parent's pain. Your story, Gabby's story, touched my heart to the point that I am in tears. We lost our niece, Chrislynn Rayne, on December 2. I was the one who had to start CPR on her, so I can at least empathize with you on that point. I carried so much guilt after we lost her b/c I felt like I didn't do enough to save her. The first time I went to the cemetary, I asked my husband and kids for a moment alone at her gravesite, I felt I had to apologize to her for not being able to keep her safe or bring her back. It has taken many months to realize that I am not to blame. This was God's Plan. He put us where he wanted us all for this tragedy, and I've learned to accept that. I've seen what my brother and sister-in-law went through. I've tried to carry them to keep them from falling, so even though I can't EMPATHIZE with you, I do Sympathize with you. My heart breaks everytime I hear a SIDS story. And my heart is with you. I pray God gives you the strength to continue to face each day.
God Bless,
~Raynell
thank you....
i'm glad you don't blame yourself. i think in some ways, my husband feels like he is at fault because he's the one who did the cpr, and he couldn't bring Gabby back either. we have since learned that SIDS babies are never recussitated. ever. it's not just that they stop breathing, their whole system stops...heart, lungs, brain.....it all just STOPS, and there is no way to bring them back. it is baffling WHY this happens, and HOW it can happen. there are still no answers.
i am sorry for the loss of your little niece. and it's not your fault. i have stopped asking "why" this happens, because i'll never have the answer, i can only agree with you that it is part of a bigger plan, and i know i'll see my girl again some day. at the beginning, i was terrified of moving forward, because i felt like i was getting farther and farther away from her, but now i look at it from the perspective that every day brings me one day closer to her.
thank you again for your sympathy, i really do appreciate it.
Quoting stargazer_dkna:
I am so sorry for your tragic, senseless loss. I am not a mother of a SIDS baby, but an aunt. I can't say I know how you all feel. I know my pain, but I don't imagine, unless you've been there, you can relate to a parent's pain. Your story, Gabby's story, touched my heart to the point that I am in tears. We lost our niece, Chrislynn Rayne, on December 2. I was the one who had to start CPR on her, so I can at least empathize with you on that point. I carried so much guilt after we lost her b/c I felt like I didn't do enough to save her. The first time I went to the cemetary, I asked my husband and kids for a moment alone at her gravesite, I felt I had to apologize to her for not being able to keep her safe or bring her back. It has taken many months to realize that I am not to blame. This was God's Plan. He put us where he wanted us all for this tragedy, and I've learned to accept that. I've seen what my brother and sister-in-law went through. I've tried to carry them to keep them from falling, so even though I can't EMPATHIZE with you, I do Sympathize with you. My heart breaks everytime I hear a SIDS story. And my heart is with you. I pray God gives you the strength to continue to face each day.
God Bless,
~Raynell
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on Aug. 22, 2008 at 8:17 PM