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New A Mom here, needing advice from first moms.

Posted by on May. 24, 2010 at 3:44 PM
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I've already made a huge mistake and hurt some firstmoms without realizing what I was doing.  I am hoping to learn more about open adoption.  I would like to ask some questions, if that is okay?

  1. What are the truths in open adoption?
  2. How can I, as a prospective adoptive mom, make sure our first-mother is taken care of?
  3. We live in Texas, which sadly doesn't recognize open adoption communication contracts, but we WANT an open adoption.  How can we make sure our adoption plan stays open?
  4. I know I can never, EVER know exactly what a firstmom goes through, but how can I be there for our firstmom?
  5. What do you suggest I do, say, etc. to help our firstmom when we meet her?
  6. Is it okay to give our firstmom as much information and possibly even a copy of our homestudy, so that our firstmom will always have our ocntact information?

Thank you for all your advice.  I hope you all have a blessed day.

The Blum Family

by on May. 24, 2010 at 3:44 PM
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Replies (1-9):
mnmommy1
by Member on May. 25, 2010 at 5:38 AM

What are the truths in open adoption?      A lot of open adoptions close sometimes for no reason, there are a lot of broken promises and broken hearts. Open adoption is a good thing when followed through with. It can be beneficial for all parties involved, it takes the secrecy out of adoption.

How can I, as a prospective adoptive mom, make sure our first-mother is taken care of? By following through with what you say, telling the truth. Say what you mean, not what you think she wants to hear to get the baby.

We live in Texas, which sadly doesn't recognize open adoption communication contracts, but we WANT an open adoption.  How can we make sure our adoption plan stays open? That's up to you then, you have to keep your word and keep it open. I put my twins up for adoption in a place that didn't recognize them either and the adoptive parents went back on there word and they broke my heart. I felt betrayed in so many ways. Hey I kept my end of the bargain they have the kids right! Just think how you would feel, if a mom changed her mind at the end...

I know I can never, EVER know exactly what a firstmom goes through, but how can I be there for our firstmom? I think you can, just be open and honest....dont pressure her,and at the hospital give her space, let her have her time.

What do you suggest I do, say, etc. to help our firstmom when we meet her?  Not sure, just be yourselves and get a chance to know her

Is it okay to give our firstmom as much information and possibly even a copy of our homestudy, so that our firstmom will always have our ocntact information?   Well thats up to you, I know its nice to have contact info on my twins adoptive parents. Its makes me more comfortable.

** On another note if you want to learn about open adoption from an adoptive mom who does it right talk to Daria ( the owner of this group) She is what I call an exceptional mom, she rocks and made me stop hating adoption!*** love ya daria!   oh and I finally got my pics of the twins.

blessed3times
by Group Owner on May. 26, 2010 at 6:46 PM

Love you too Mnmommy!  (Was going to use your real name but can't remember if you do that here or not so forgive me for not using it!)

I think Mnmommy's reply gives you some things to think about Lisa.   As for me, I guess you'd say I was a very naive person five plus years ago.  I couldn't have dreamed that people would treat an expectant mom so badly.  Then I landed here when my son was nearly two and started hearing some realities that were truly abominable.

The truths in open adoption?  The truth is it is not some rosy, "happily ever after" relationship.  I'm sure for some it can be, but if it is really and truly "open"  (i.e. visits, phone calls, holidays together etc.)  it can be messy.....and wonderful.

See I think PAP's or AP's get stuck on that word  "wonderful".  Life is ONLY supposed to be wonderful in relation to your child's original family.  But life is messy and complicated as well as being wonderful and fulfilling.  In other words an open adoption relationship is just like any other family tie.  Sometimes it is great and sometimes it is not. 

Too many AP's seem to bail out of the relationship if things get tough.  And it has gotten tough in my own family.  The thing I had to ask myself was  "Do I bail out of my other family relationships when things are hard?"  No I do not.

When agreeing to an open adoption, you have just signed on to have a lifelong relationship with a woman (or couple) that you might have met just weeks ago.  They are human beings with feelings and needs just like any other person.  They have parents who are losing a grandchild.  They may have other children - brothers and sisters who have lost a sibling.

And you are promising them that they will have pictures and contact with that child for the next eighteen years.

One friend I met here was promised the MOON in regards to her open adoption plan.  The truth for her?  The adoptive parents left the hospital with her baby and she never heard from them again.  NEVER AGAIN.  Not a picture or a letter or ANYTHING.

That is the sort of story that drove me to create this group. 

As I said I was very naive when I came to Cafemom.  When I heard story after story of women being manipulated and deceived, it was something I could never forget.  Once you know you can't  "not know".  Can't stick your head in the sand.  At least that was the case for me.

And I firmly believe that all the people who made promises they knew they wouldn't keep have stolen those children.  Those children were relinquished under false pretenses.  All the women I have talked to have said that had they known how they would be treated, they would never have let their children go.

Those people will have to stand in judgment before God one day.  I firmly believe that too.  And I have often remarked that people who do these sorts of things in order to have children must not believe in God or they would fear what He will have to say about it.

SO.  Thank you for listening as I stood on my soapbox.  I don't get up there for politics or religion.  Only for this!  ;o)

If I wanted to assure an expectant woman that my promises were sincere, I would present her with a copy of the FBI background check that is required when a homestudy is done.  That way she knows all of your identifying information so that she knows how to get in touch with you no matter what.

HOWEVER one reason I created this group was so that women would be aware that no matter how much info they have, the adoptive parents can still keep them at arm's length because there are no legally binding documents requiring them to do so. 

One of my friends has all the information she needs about the a-parents.  She knows exactly where they live - which is about 15 minutes from where she lives.  She has never violated their privacy.  But after telling her that they were open to whatever contact she was comfortable with, they rescinded that offer and keep her and her daughter that she is parenting away from their home and their lives.  She is lucky to get an occasional picture.  And she lives in the same city!

Well I could probably go on and on but my kiddos are needing me.  I hope this helped in some small way.

Sincerely,
Daria

 

LisaB2007
by New Member on May. 28, 2010 at 9:35 AM

Wow, Daria!  I joined several birthmother groups to learn about what birthmothers go through and to TRY and LEARN from their experiences.  Unfortunately, they, too, have A parents who could care less about them, and have since closed adoptions and contact, and do NOT respect the needs and feelings of the birthfamilies.

You know, I've come to learn that adoption is like a marriage:  We don't get to pick who comes into our family by marriage, but we learn to love and accept them.  I feel the birthfamilies are coming to us through adoption.  If I can't love my child's birthfamily, how in the world can I fully love them?!?!?!

I appreciate all your advice, as it just strengthens my resolve to keep our adoption open.  I'm all for giving complete information, along with a complete copy of our homestudy, which has all identifying information.  I just hope we find the right birthparent(s) who will want the same things we want.

Thank you so much!

Lisa Blum

Quoting blessed3times:

Love you too Mnmommy!  (Was going to use your real name but can't remember if you do that here or not so forgive me for not using it!)

I think Mnmommy's reply gives you some things to think about Lisa.   As for me, I guess you'd say I was a very naive person five plus years ago.  I couldn't have dreamed that people would treat an expectant mom so badly.  Then I landed here when my son was nearly two and started hearing some realities that were truly abominable.

The truths in open adoption?  The truth is it is not some rosy, "happily ever after" relationship.  I'm sure for some it can be, but if it is really and truly "open"  (i.e. visits, phone calls, holidays together etc.)  it can be messy.....and wonderful.

See I think PAP's or AP's get stuck on that word  "wonderful".  Life is ONLY supposed to be wonderful in relation to your child's original family.  But life is messy and complicated as well as being wonderful and fulfilling.  In other words an open adoption relationship is just like any other family tie.  Sometimes it is great and sometimes it is not. 

Too many AP's seem to bail out of the relationship if things get tough.  And it has gotten tough in my own family.  The thing I had to ask myself was  "Do I bail out of my other family relationships when things are hard?"  No I do not.

When agreeing to an open adoption, you have just signed on to have a lifelong relationship with a woman (or couple) that you might have met just weeks ago.  They are human beings with feelings and needs just like any other person.  They have parents who are losing a grandchild.  They may have other children - brothers and sisters who have lost a sibling.

And you are promising them that they will have pictures and contact with that child for the next eighteen years.

One friend I met here was promised the MOON in regards to her open adoption plan.  The truth for her?  The adoptive parents left the hospital with her baby and she never heard from them again.  NEVER AGAIN.  Not a picture or a letter or ANYTHING.

That is the sort of story that drove me to create this group. 

As I said I was very naive when I came to Cafemom.  When I heard story after story of women being manipulated and deceived, it was something I could never forget.  Once you know you can't  "not know".  Can't stick your head in the sand.  At least that was the case for me.

And I firmly believe that all the people who made promises they knew they wouldn't keep have stolen those children.  Those children were relinquished under false pretenses.  All the women I have talked to have said that had they known how they would be treated, they would never have let their children go.

Those people will have to stand in judgment before God one day.  I firmly believe that too.  And I have often remarked that people who do these sorts of things in order to have children must not believe in God or they would fear what He will have to say about it.

SO.  Thank you for listening as I stood on my soapbox.  I don't get up there for politics or religion.  Only for this!  ;o)

If I wanted to assure an expectant woman that my promises were sincere, I would present her with a copy of the FBI background check that is required when a homestudy is done.  That way she knows all of your identifying information so that she knows how to get in touch with you no matter what.

HOWEVER one reason I created this group was so that women would be aware that no matter how much info they have, the adoptive parents can still keep them at arm's length because there are no legally binding documents requiring them to do so. 

One of my friends has all the information she needs about the a-parents.  She knows exactly where they live - which is about 15 minutes from where she lives.  She has never violated their privacy.  But after telling her that they were open to whatever contact she was comfortable with, they rescinded that offer and keep her and her daughter that she is parenting away from their home and their lives.  She is lucky to get an occasional picture.  And she lives in the same city!

Well I could probably go on and on but my kiddos are needing me.  I hope this helped in some small way.

Sincerely,
Daria

 


blessed3times
by Group Owner on May. 28, 2010 at 11:16 AM


Quoting LisaB2007:

Wow, Daria!  I joined several birthmother groups to learn about what birthmothers go through and to TRY and LEARN from their experiences.  Unfortunately, they, too, have A parents who could care less about them, and have since closed adoptions and contact, and do NOT respect the needs and feelings of the birthfamilies.

You know, I've come to learn that adoption is like a marriage:  We don't get to pick who comes into our family by marriage, but we learn to love and accept them.  I feel the birthfamilies are coming to us through adoption.  If I can't love my child's birthfamily, how in the world can I fully love them?!?!?!

I appreciate all your advice, as it just strengthens my resolve to keep our adoption open.  I'm all for giving complete information, along with a complete copy of our homestudy, which has all identifying information.  I just hope we find the right birthparent(s) who will want the same things we want.

Thank you so much!

Lisa Blum

Well said! 

shake hand

ashleigh139
by New Member on May. 29, 2010 at 10:25 AM

Ironic you should ask about giving her your homestudy- I was just wishing the other day that I had asked for a copy of my sons Aparents homestudy. The answer is YES. Give it to her. And keep a copy of all those questions they have you fill out (how you plan to discipline , how you handle conflict, etc) and give that to her as well. It will really help her to know how you plan to raise her child. And it's only fair that she gets that information.

 

Like Mnmommy1 said, Do NOT pressure her at the hospital. In fact, I think it would be best if you came to vist one time for maybe an hour and then let her spend the rest of the time alone, saying goodbye to her baby. This might seem unfair to you, but think about it. You get to have the child for the rest of its life, she only has that time in the hospital. Do not visit more than that unless she absolutely insists. And even if she absolutely insists that you be there, explain to her what I just said. Tell her you think she should use that time to spend with her baby, as there wont ever be another time like it again.

BeJuicy
by New Member on Jun. 4, 2010 at 3:04 PM

The biggest thing is to keep your promises!!!

I dont know how some APs can just take the baby and run. How cruel and heartless! If someone was willing to give me their flesh and blood Id make sure I honoured all my promises and never close the adoption.

When I was selecting parents for my daughter I turned away 3 of them because they were "too nice". Like they were trying to suck up to me so Id choose them.

mnmommy1
by Member on Jun. 8, 2010 at 9:37 PM


Quoting blessed3times:

Love you too Mnmommy!  (Was going to use your real name but can't remember if you do that here or not so forgive me for not using it!)

 

   Thanks Daria :)   ( oh then I was thinking should I have used your name? ) I don't care if you use my name...its okay :)

elisesmom922
by on Nov. 5, 2010 at 10:28 PM

Some of the things I have heard about  adoptions here are horrible. Fortunately, I was one of the lucky ones. Brian and Linda, my daughters AP's, were wonderful. The best thing Linda told me was the first thing out of her mouth and that was this: Thank you for choosing us and it is a privilege for us to even be here talking to you." A woman I had never met before and knew absolutely nothing about just thanked me and burst into tears. And I thought it was stupid at the time, but when I took the time and  thought about it, i cried.  I had never thought about it until I sat and talked to my mom years later - my parents adopted my sister and I when we were six and nine. She sais she was scared to death because here were these two little girls she wanted so badly that could just look at her and say no. Most of us are really scared and nervous vto meet you guys. I know I was and I remember that feeling even now, nine yrs later. Be yourself. Be honest about what you want and don't want.  Have reasonable expectations of her. Even though I didnt like everything Brian and Linda had to say, I chose them because they were honest. No one is perfect. We want good parents for our kids, notperfect people.

Tracy A.
blessed3times
by Group Owner on Nov. 9, 2010 at 5:11 PM

Thank you Tracy for commenting and welcome to the group - I hope you will stick around!

We may not be very active but I think that slowly we are compiling resources and information that expectant women will be able to read through and educate themselves about the risks of open adoption and adoption in general.

(And I am very happy for you that your child's a-parent's are keeping their promises!)

 

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