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Need advice ASAP...I have to make a decision QUICK (it's long)

Posted by on Jan. 2, 2009 at 12:28 AM
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Hi,everyone, I'm new here...My name is Melissa, I'm 26. I've been married for 2 years, together for 4 years. We have a 3 year old boy and I have a 6 year old daughter from a previous relationship.

Heres the deal, I probably should have not married him from the beginning,  I think I just wanted a father for my daughter so badly and at the time he seemes to really care.  I've been thinking that he only wanted me and realized that if he wanted me then he had to accept my  "baggage" (daughter).  At the time, I just wanted a "happily ever after" and it just seemed so convenient, a father for my kids, a husband, a house. He's a very jealous person and I knew this from the start (stupid me)  If I even talk to another man, he flips out. We had a guy come to clean the carpets and my husband locked himself in our bedroom the whole time he was here and pouted like a baby. I actually would up beconing friends with him because he's just very easy to talk to and he listens and gives good advice.

I will NOT fight in front of my kids, I refuse to raise my voice...Him on the other hand, screams like a lunatic and throws things

Anyway, the way he treats the kids is completely 100% different. Our son can do no wrong and my daughter can do nothing right. She is starving for his attention and is acting out because, at least that way, she's getting negative attention.  She was just diagnosed with ADHD last month and Oppositional Defiant Disorder last week. I'm begining to think that half of her "issues" are caused from him and she's just screaming for attention at any cost. He thinks there is nothing wrong with her and she just "deliberately tries to piss me off" those are his words. Our son has a speech delay (which my husband blames me for) He has speech therapy in our home 4 times per week and each therapist has said that it has nothing to do with me, some kids are just delayed.

About 6 months back I had to call the cops on him and his mother because they took my Son and refused to bring him back home. It happened in the middle of the night after an argument and the next morning I called my mother in law and told her ok, enough is enough,a nd told her to bring my son home...she denied having him and lied saying that Shawn took him to work with him. So, I threatened them with the cops and she literally brought my son back 2 minutes before the cop arrived)    Then, about 2 months ago, I had to call the cops again and file a police report Because he was making suicidal threats. So, I told him I could not deal with the stress anymore and that I wanted a seperation. So he agreed and moved in with his parents (3 blocks away) He would come here and cry every day and then started making an effort to fix things and was actually making an effort with my daughter. She started blaming me for him leaving and she told me that she wanted to kick me out because I was mean....So, slowly he moved himself back in (I never should have allowed it)  

To top it off,  In May, he decided he wanted to quit his job and find a new one. So, he quit and did not even start looking until September, He finally found a job in October which pays less. He has a 2nt job, He loads the delivery trucks for UPS in the mornings and thats how we get our benefits, For the last 7 days in a row...he's been a "no call no show"...So, I'm sure it's only a matter of time before we lose our insurance coverage

For the last 6 months he's been lying about paying the bills, he has NOT paid the mortgage, he let the car insurance and homeowners insurance lapse, he did not make my car payment, did not pay the cable, LIPA (electricity)  I have an Ebay business and I have no idea where $15,000 went that was supposed to pay the bills. I had to borrow money from my mother to pay for the phone bill and electricity....he just does not seem to care about the bills at all. Every single day I get so many bill collectors calling that I just stopped answering my phone.  It's a miracle I still have a house to live in

 Now, we're right back to square 1. He doesnt help with anything, wont attempt counseling, still treats my daughter like crap, And today, he was looking through my cell phone history and found the carpet cleaners number on my phone (yes, we talk, and thats as far as it goes), then he was flipping out telling me he was going to go to his house and kill him, He told my daughter that "mommy is looking for a new daddy for you" "Mommy had a boyfriend and thats why she does not love daddy anymore"  I esplained to my daughter that none of it was true and that daddy was just upset, Then she had a breakdown and was hysterically crying saying "this is the worst day of my life" Which broke my heart, she's only 6 and the verbal and emotional abuse my husband is putting her through is heartbreaking. So, tomorrow, I'm finding her a child psychologist and I'm going to go to counseling myself. I'm so tempted to just "throw in the towel"  I've been dealing with his emotional outbursts for too long now and it's ruining my children. I'm really convinced that there is no way this can possibly work. Not even an act of God can save this despicable marriage. I just feel so stuck    PLEASE HELP


Melissa M

by on Jan. 2, 2009 at 12:28 AM
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by New Member on Jan. 4, 2009 at 7:32 PM

First off I want to say I'm new to the site. And Your letter was the first that i read. I want to say that i feel you in so many ways. See your three years older than i am but i have lived a pretty hard life. and I' am very mature for my age. Your words spoke to me. And even as a newly wed myself going through problems i wanted to share my opinion. First off any man that can not love your kids and respect them enough not to destroy them doesn't need to be around them. And you say you just wanted a daddy for her but truth be told he is not being a father any way. She a female and the fact that she see you go through the pain it will begin to rub off on her and she will think that it is okay to let a man mistreat her, and you dont want that. You have to protect your children first. And I'm not being mean or looking down at you I can tell you are a good mother because you got you and your daughter help. CONGRATULATIONS.... Feel free to message me if you want to chat........ GOOD LUCk

by on Jan. 6, 2009 at 1:54 AM

Wow. Just from your post I see several signs of a controlling man.

  1. Paranoia
  2. Extreme jealousy
  3. Checking the history in your phone
  4. Threatening suicide
  5. Screaming & throwing stuff
  6. Using your children against you
  7. Taking your son to show he has control over you
  8. Destroying your credit so that you feel as though you can't leave

Men like this do every thing that they can to make you and your children feel as though you are the inadequate one in the relationship when really they are the ones that do not know how to compromise. I certainly don't envy the position that you are in but you have to find a way out before both of your children are severely affected by his poor behavior! I know it is easier said than done but it is time for you to go to your friends, family, or whoever else that you can trust. Start your own bank account (if you don't all ready have one) & start stashing money away until you can afford to get out. This situation has all ready escalated beyond where it should have you need to pick up the pieces of your children & show them that this is not normal & you won't have it in your home.  Good luck hun and stay strong!

good luck

by on Jan. 10, 2009 at 11:11 PM

Thanks everyone.  I'm now waiting for the counseling for myself and my daughter to start. I've been saving money lately. Not much, but every little bit that I can.

I knew my situation was bad. Even though he's not physically abusive, I can definately see him getting that way in the future. Both myself and my children do not deserve this. Luckily, they are still young. But my daughter knows that I'm unhappy and he is starting to effect her

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