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brain error running my life :(

Posted by on Mar. 30, 2014 at 9:54 PM
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Hi I'm new to this website but am definitely looking for some words of encouragement from women who have been through this. My daughter is going to be 5 in june and when she was just a few months old I ended up with crippling intrusive thoughts to the point where I couldn't be alone with het without panic.. well then when she was about 2 I finally started medicine and was put on 50 mg of zoloft which worked miracles for me for almost 3 yrs and then bam I had these fearful thoughts of what if I hurt my little girl. I now know I am sensitive to hearing stuff amd I had a trigger that set this off but this time around has been unbearable. . I finally told my doctor of my thoughts amd a therapist but I'm still struggling I have went thru so many scenarios as to killing myself first to ensure her safety and then questioning myself as to what kind of person I am and trying to reassure myself that I could never do or want such a thing and all the what ifs and then driving myself mad with making sure the anxiety is still there bc if its not then I'm worried I have become that kind of person. I have yet to be diagnosed with anything besides generalized anxiety but after all the reading I have done I'm certain I have to have ocd. I'm now taking 100 mg zoloft and 15 mg remeron. Finally have some relief but my brain still feels like its on defense... please anyone who has had this happen let me know how u moved on
by on Mar. 30, 2014 at 9:54 PM
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Replies (1-10):
ms_aleah
by Member on Mar. 31, 2014 at 1:46 AM

I have uncontrollable thoughts ..... if listen to scanner I have to assure myself I was not on the road of any accident at the time it occurred.... things will happen to my son when he is with others.....every other call is bad usually fatal news.... What I said to last person I conversed came out wrong .... etc... some strong some silly but all enough to make me double check, rethink, become nervous and wish I could just act "like everyone else" .... I realize now that my ocd was always there but it did get stronger after having my son. Just remember to breath give your self time to realize they are brain triggered thoughts and try to enjoy all moments they are not occuring. 

Good Luck.

Sweetlemonlove
by New Member on Mar. 31, 2014 at 10:46 AM
Hi,

First off, I want to say how sorry that you are going through this. I have OCD which is exactly what you are describing. It can be incredibly crippling and so horrible that yes, I have considered suicide too. I'm glad you are opening up to your doctor and therapist. It took me 3 years to get help. I was so afraid they would take my daughter away and institutionalalize me. Not the case at all. I take 150 mg of venlafaxine daily. It has worked wonders. What helped too was CBT. Scary and difficult but so totally worth it. Invaluable. Saved my life. My counselor and I used a workbook designed for OCD patients. It covered intrusive thoughts and compulsions. I have both. It's a constant work in progress but I'm world's better now than a few years ago. I know I'll never be cured but knowing I'm not alone and have some control helps. The biggest thing for me going through the workbook was this quote "if I have an intrusive thought I let it be, if it let them be they let me be." Accept the thought and let it flow. Everyone has these intrusive thoughts bit a person with OCD, our thought process is wired wrong. I'll find the name of the book. It really helps. I could not do it alone but my counselor was with me the whole way. You are not alone! You aren't your thoughts or compulsions. That is the OCD. Not you!!! If you ever need some one to talk to I am here.
AddisonsMoM09
by New Member on Mar. 31, 2014 at 11:57 AM
Thank u so much for your response I really appreciate it.. this is by far the hardest time of my life. I just feel like I question myself all the time now and try to make sure I'm still upset by the thought then I argue with myself that I don't want this and I can't be one of those type of moms.. its crazy how much I battle with myself.. :(
Sweetlemonlove
by New Member on Apr. 1, 2014 at 12:08 PM
I battled too. Remember this, you have these thoughts you hate, scare you, repulse you. You don't desire to act on those thoughts. You are a good mom. Are you in therapy??
Sweetlemonlove
by New Member on Apr. 1, 2014 at 12:10 PM
http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/1572249218/ref=pd_aw_sims_1?pi=SL500_SY115

This is the book my counselor and I used.
AddisonsMoM09
by New Member on Apr. 1, 2014 at 2:24 PM
Yes I just started only been to 3 appointments but finally realized that I hsve ocd has somewhat helped me..
AddisonsMoM09
by New Member on Apr. 1, 2014 at 7:15 PM
The link for the book isn't working.. I have found a book I thought about looking at and it was callled mindfulness for ocd or something like that. .
AddisonsMoM09
by New Member on Apr. 1, 2014 at 7:21 PM
Oh ok I found the one u sent also I will definitely order that one as soon as possible then
AddisonsMoM09
by New Member on Apr. 4, 2014 at 10:03 AM
Looking for words of encouragement today frustrating myself nc now I keep asking myself that I didn't just stop loving my child and that can't happen parents don't juat stop loving their kids... and scaring myself with comparing my self with other crazy moms. Arguing that I would never want to harm my child but then I think what if the doctors are missing something and my brain is messed up and I am dangerous. Then I say no I couldn't ever do something to anyone let alone my child! Ugh I hate my brain
mandaboo99
by Member on Apr. 24, 2014 at 1:32 PM

 

This sounds so very familiar!! you are NOT ALONE It took them along time to properly diagnose me because i held back so much. But once it got to the point where I was either going to kill myself or they were going to "fix me"  the ball got rolling. I posted before about a therapist for CTB and being on prozac and clonazepam. It wakes a while but there is help out there!! please reach out to me if you need to talk!! xo

Quoting AddisonsMoM09: Hi I'm new to this website but am definitely looking for some words of encouragement from women who have been through this. My daughter is going to be 5 in june and when she was just a few months old I ended up with crippling intrusive thoughts to the point where I couldn't be alone with het without panic.. well then when she was about 2 I finally started medicine and was put on 50 mg of zoloft which worked miracles for me for almost 3 yrs and then bam I had these fearful thoughts of what if I hurt my little girl. I now know I am sensitive to hearing stuff amd I had a trigger that set this off but this time around has been unbearable. . I finally told my doctor of my thoughts amd a therapist but I'm still struggling I have went thru so many scenarios as to killing myself first to ensure her safety and then questioning myself as to what kind of person I am and trying to reassure myself that I could never do or want such a thing and all the what ifs and then driving myself mad with making sure the anxiety is still there bc if its not then I'm worried I have become that kind of person. I have yet to be diagnosed with anything besides generalized anxiety but after all the reading I have done I'm certain I have to have ocd. I'm now taking 100 mg zoloft and 15 mg remeron. Finally have some relief but my brain still feels like its on defense... please anyone who has had this happen let me know how u moved on

 

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