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Posted by on Sep. 7, 2009 at 5:06 PM
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Not sure I really belong here but sometimes I feel I do. DH and I are going on 4 yrs of marriage next month. In the 4 yrs of marriage there has been almost 3-4 divorces. Last year was the closest we got. I left over the summer for a week or so.
During the 5 yrs we been together, he let a woman move in AFTER we had our son. I made him kick her out or I was gone. He talks to a girl friend of his that he knew YEARS ago but he has made me stop talking to my ex that is like a best friend to me and any other guy friends (even though there was no relationship). I dont have a lot of friends anymore. I paid all my school money to his bills, lawyer fees, etc when we first got together. Haven't had a steady job since then. Therefore, I have nothing to my name except my dog, my clothes, and my son. No car, no job, no money, no place to go.

We dont hardly talk anymore. We dont hold hands, It has been over 4 months since we last had sex. He sits on the other side of the room when I am in the room or he gets up and leaves. On his work days (he works nights) he leaves early and wont eat dinner with us as a family

We have a 3 yr old son together, he has a 14 yr old son who lives with us. I am 25 going on 26 and he is 35. 9 yr age gap.

i am not sure what to do anymore. He spends all the money he wants..maybe becuase he makes the money and I dont. If i buy a pair of shoes he gripes because it wasn't from walmart or payless even though they are the same price as their shoes. He puts me on an impossible grocery budget for 4 people and if I go over the budget I have to explain that I live in a house with 2 dogs and 3 boys who eat constantly and the food WILL get eaten so it is not money lost. He buys tools, things for his boat, massages, clothes, shoes, etc and I am not really allowed to spend anything unless I ask first or have a good reason to have it.

He finally let me have the password and such to the bank account at the beginning of the year..after 3 1/2 years of marriage. He sends the phone bill paper bill to his moms in tennessee and wont give me the password to the bill online. He keeps his computer password locked and his cell phone password locked where as mine he has to know all the passwords and my phone has to be in plain sight al the time or else he thinks I am hiding something.

by on Sep. 7, 2009 at 5:06 PM
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Replies (1-7):
Medical_Mom
by on Sep. 13, 2009 at 12:20 PM

Wow Momma!  I sure feel for you!  I have been in that situation before but now I ignore what he does and I think he pretty much ignores what I do.  It has to be so hard on you and the kids!

Feel free to PM me anytime if you want to chat.

Hugs!

MM

St1nkyBananas
by on Oct. 9, 2009 at 5:27 PM

That sounds like economic and emotional abuse to me.  He may even possibly be a narcissist (NPD)  Look into it and get help. There are plenty of womens orgs out there to help you.  Sounds like he has a "vision" for you of the way you should be living your life.  I just got out of a situation that is slightly similar. 

yellowrose11026
by on Oct. 18, 2009 at 2:13 AM

I may be overstepping my boundry here, but after reading your post, I just have to reply with what I think.  Please know that it comes from experience!  You are living the life I once lived.

You can make money from home, and you can do it while he is at work if you don't want him to know right off - go to www.wahm.com  and www.workplacelikehome.com 

and  you will find plenty of legit work from home jobs.  You need to start making some money and putting it in a separate account from his - and DONT let him tell you you can't!

Then you need to tell him that all the secrecy has to stop!  He may have had problems with a relationship in the past that has made him this way, or it could have been the way he was raised, but it appears that he has NO respect for you as a wife, as a mother, or even just as a woman.  Then tell him you want to go to marriage counseling because you just aren't going to keep living like you are now.

Then, for the sake of the children, and for you, get your own counseling - whether or not he will go to marriage counseling - you need your own help in order to survive, no matter which way the relationship goes!

If you need someone to talk to, pm me. 

Barbarahugs

 

aidanbaby
by on Jan. 11, 2010 at 9:21 PM

Thanks ladies. Sorry it has taken me so long to reply. I have finally packed my bags and been threatening to  leave the last 2 weeks. BUT....I cant! His truck is out of inspection (State of Texas) and I just bought my deceased grammy's car in Nov but temporary tags expired Dec 12 and here is almost exactly a month later and no hope for getting it registered or inspected PLUS paying sales tax on it. We are only down to one car and it is a 2 seater. UGH

Well, We still haven't even paid Dec or Jan house payment PLUS the HOA due every 4 months. We are seriously broke til we get paid Friday.

I dont know what to do anymore. I feel so unappreciated. I cleaned house almost all day while he slept til 3pm. He didnt even "notice" the house was cleaned or even said one "thanks" for it. Also, he has a membership to a massage spa place near our house and just asked me tonight to massage his back. Really?? I am the one who cleaned the house and takes care of the kids and I NEVER get a massage. He said I have to ask for one when I want one since he cant read my mind. REALLY???? I should not have to ask.


jpimentel71
by Group Owner on Jan. 12, 2010 at 1:08 PM

Hi there.  I started this group because I am in a marriage very similar to yours...mine is more abusive physically and emotionally.  Sounds like this man like the control over you.  If you are sure you don't want him anymore, either do one of two things...you guys have been married...well if you divorce, you can get alimony! Your advantage!!! You get Half  of whatever! OR, you can "fake it until you make it!" I did that, I sacrificed and played "cool" with the hubby, and went to nursing school.  Then after I graduated, I gave it another chance, but couple of days before xmas, he snapped and because abusive with my oldest son-his step son, and me..so restraining orders and courts, and all that took up my time and energy....but boy, do I feel sooooo free!!!!!

Can you try to go to school for something to use it to get out of the situation?

jpimentel71
by Group Owner on Jan. 12, 2010 at 1:14 PM

Stay calm and do this right- play it smart! Men are idiots!  They don't have the same intuition as women do....you are stronger than him....if you clean, then just smile ....and think to yourself that youre gonna leave with money on hand....you gotta start putting little cash away (mad money)...so when you're MAD enough, you have your MAD MONEY to take off and not look back!!!

Make sure if you do leave, you have some money, and a PLAN!  Don't act on emotion!!! That's the worse thing! You won't be thinking straight.

play it smart.

aidanbaby
by on Jan. 13, 2010 at 3:46 PM

I cannot go to school. I have 2 student loands NOT paid and well over $20,000 to pay. I have only had three jobs in the last 6 yrs I have been with hubby (2 were temp holiday jobs). He wont really let me "have" a job because I was going to leave him years ago and he found out I was working and saving money and he didnt want me to leave. So I have no money.

He told me the other night (after I posted this) that I was the one not appreciating him and that if I didnt want to clean anymore...then dont and not to do his laundry anymore!

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