How do you help them?

I think you try to carry on in as normal a manner as you possibly can.  Love him and comfort him as best you know how.  If he is a person who doesn't like to be comforted, then just let him be.  Let him know that when he is ready to talk about it, you are ready to listen.  Everybody has his own way of dealing with grief, and I have no idea how your husband handles it.  If this is his first experience losing someone that close to him, he may not know yet himself how he will handle it.  So just try to be understanding, but I wouldn't tiptoe either.

Do you mind if I ask how old your children are??

PLEASE do not take this wrong but I believe your husband might be angry that you didn't go with him. I know that this is very painful however it is SO improtant, especially in times like this, to just be there even if we don't feel like it.

If the kids are old enough, sit them down, with your husband and tell them what happened. If they are too young to really understand then maybe you need to find someone to watch them so you can be there for your husband. He needs to know you are there for him more now then ever before.

You and your husband need to talk about this and you need to let him know what you where really thinkin when you decided to stay home. He doesn't need his space right now, he needs his wife and his family(kids) and right now he may be feeling that he is alone in dealing with this and that is why he is so angry.

My thoughts and prayers to you, your husband and his family in this very sad time. PLEASE don't give him space, smoother him with all your support and love and let him know you care, even if you don't have the words to say it or you really don't want to, just a simple touch of your hand or a smile when he makes eye contact and you being there with him helps him SO very much!

My kids are 3 and 6 and they get it to a point, my 6 year old understands that uncle Jamie is gone. I didn't bring them back for a second day of crying, and watching all the adults in thier lives crumble because after the first day- it was 12 hours long- my 6 year old wanted to know why her cousin (5) was sobbing and why there was nothing that she could do to make him happy. I tried to explain it to her that he missed his daddy, but in turn she sobbed the whole 45 min car ride home. Not to sound heartless but she saw her uncle about 5 times a year, and i just can't justify exposing her to that much pain for a family member she barely knew. Maybe I am being selfish in wanting to protect my kids from the pain that is all around them, but I just can't say that watching everyone cry is going to make it better for them.

As far as supporting my husband I am there for him, but I am also not going to take the brunt of his anger just because he can get away with it. He knows I am there, and I have told him exactly that.

Quoting angelmama90:

Do you mind if I ask how old your children are??

PLEASE do not take this wrong but I believe your husband might be angry that you didn't go with him. I know that this is very painful however it is SO improtant, especially in times like this, to just be there even if we don't feel like it.

If the kids are old enough, sit them down, with your husband and tell them what happened. If they are too young to really understand then maybe you need to find someone to watch them so you can be there for your husband. He needs to know you are there for him more now then ever before.

You and your husband need to talk about this and you need to let him know what you where really thinkin when you decided to stay home. He doesn't need his space right now, he needs his wife and his family(kids) and right now he may be feeling that he is alone in dealing with this and that is why he is so angry.

My thoughts and prayers to you, your husband and his family in this very sad time. PLEASE don't give him space, smoother him with all your support and love and let him know you care, even if you don't have the words to say it or you really don't want to, just a simple touch of your hand or a smile when he makes eye contact and you being there with him helps him SO very much!

I do understand why you didn't go but right now you need to be there for you husband as much as possible. I know that you are "mom" and you have so many other things to think about and so many other chores that won't do themselves - BUT your husband really needs you right now, even if he pushes you and the children away, Don't let him - he really needs you, try to be there.


My DH's daddy is battling cancer right now and I am scared of when "that time" comes just b/c I am so sure that my DH will act the same as yours is now. But, everyone deals w/ their pain in different ways and this is a very trying time for all of your family - All you can do is be that shoulder for him to cry on.

My mom died last year in March and I was so torn up about it.  I think you were right in not taking your kids over there.  You told your husband he can go if he wants and he is super upset over this and not thinking straight. 

After my mom died I was so sad I was just weeping and weeping.  That is the only way I can describe it.  I felt like my heart was just overflowing with tears.  I had an up and down relationship with my mother but I still felt this way.  Your husband is going through a greiving process which will have anger, guilt, resentment, and sadness and they can happen in any order. 

What helped me was for my husband to just listen.  I would get up at night to talk to him and he would fall asleep on me.  That really hurt me.  Just try to tell him that if it helps you can take the kids somewhere for a few hours if he wants to be alone, what ever he needs.

He also might feel guilty because he is here still to enjoy his family or he didn;t quite have the realtionship with his brother that he wanted.  He will share with you, he just has to mourn and it hurts so bad. 

I wouldn't take the kids to the funeral either get a babysitter so you can go with him though.  He will need you to stay strong for him.

Several years ago mu husband's father passed away suddenly.  I was the one that got the call while he was at work and had to tell him.  It was very hard on him. 

The best advice I can give you is to just be there for him when he is ready to talk.  Don't try to "fix" things for him - - grief is something you can't just "fix" and it's gone.  I have found that men (at least my husband) just need their space in times like this.  If he cannot seem to get some kind of improvement after a period of time, you may just try talking to him and letting him know that you are here for him when he is ready to talk.  If it continues for a very long period of time, and he won't talk to you - - try to get someone else(a close friend or relative) to talk to him.  Whatever you do, let him know often that you love him and want to help him through this.  Ask him if there is anything that you can do that might help him deal with this better.  Show your love and support all that you can, and be ready to just listen when he is ready to talk.

You guys have been great thank you. He did talk to me a little last night when he got home. Today is the calling hours and tomorrow is the funeral so these are going to be the hard days. Wish me luck.

The only thing you can really do is just be there.It has got to be tough on him, where him and his brother close? He needs to mourn he is probably hurt because he lost his brother angry cause he was taken away, it takes time.Just give him a bit of space he will come to you when he is ready and when he is be a good listener and hugs and kisses help too. I am so sorry for your loss..my condolences to you and your husband and his family.

My husband was like that when his aunt died a year ago. They were really close. Well what i did is grab him hold on to him so that he couldnt turn the other way and he just cried in my arms. I just held on to him intil he was done then we just talk about it. It could help your husband try it and see.
Stephanie

Quoting StephanieBaty04:

My husband was like that when his aunt died a year ago. They were really close. Well what i did is grab him hold on to him so that he couldnt turn the other way and he just cried in my arms. I just held on to him intil he was done then we just talk about it. It could help your husband try it and see.
Stephanie

Good idea I will try that. Now that the hustle and bustle is done we will see how he starts to heal. Again thanks all!