My son was diagnosed with ADHD when he was 4 1/2. I went with what everyone else was saying, believing what they saw, and put him on Concerta. Mainly my MIL. She would point out how my dh's 2 were so quiet and calm, but look at Trevor he's all over the place...blah blah blah.
Now I'm not quite so sure. I am wondering if I did the right thing, if putting him on meds so young and listening to everyone was the right thing.
I've tried to take him off, but he is All over the place...is that because he doesn't/hasn't had to control his own behavior w/o meds? Or is it because he IS ADHD? I feel like a failure of a mom. He's has been put on Abilify, but the side effects are so scary and is it because of me that he has depressed feelings? We lived with my MIL for a year and he was miserable.....just miserable. The woman is a BITCH, she was open about how she felt about my son and that she loved my 2 sk and not him.
I know that this is all over the place, but mentally I am too. I am so tired, physically, mentally and emotionally. My 2 sk are so NOT well behaved, they lie, cheat, and don't follow directions at all. Emails from my ss teacher daily.....daily. My sd is now doing okay in school as far as anyone knows, but I think she's just gotten to the point that she can BS with the best of them. She is finally on Vyvance this year and it has helped with her work, but not with the lying.
My ss has only LORD knows what. He shows all the signs of ODD and I don't even know where to start with him on how to fix it. It just blows.
My ds talks everyday about how stupid he is, how he hates school, just wishes he was dead and only when he doesn't get his way and that's why I'm not freaking out about it. He gets a reaction every time. I will go and sit with him and talk and he'll just say it's because he's so mad that he 'fill in the blank', but I don't think that it's going to actually happen. He is just having his out bursts and getting one on one time with me.
I feel like a failure, like I haven't done anything right for any of my kids. That I have failed them in every way possible. Is this a normal feeling for a SAHM of 4 kids? Do any of ya'll have points where you feel like you're not doing the right thing?
I am sorry, I know that this is confusing and so random, but I am just feeling all alone and like I should be doing something different, something better.
I know that this isn't really a question post, more of a pitty post I guess. I just want to sit down and cry.
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You are NOT a failure....you just haven't found the right answer yet! First of all I would said that your son needs to see either a psychologist or psychiatrist and get a current assessment of his condition. This should give you some guidance as to if he really is adhd or has some other issue, then you can decide how to proceed in controlling the behavior.
As far as your sk, do they live with you full time or do you share time with the bio mom? It doesn't sound as if your mnl is helping any in fact adding to the problem by blatantly expressing her love for the sk and her distaste for your son. I hope you aren't living with her anymore, the environment sounds emotionally destructive to you son.
Check for a local support group for adhd parents, ask your dr, the school, your friends anyone who might know of one. Call your local social srvs office, or the local hospital to inquire.
Hope this helped some.
Helen
No you are not a failure. The things that your son says about being stupid, wanting to die, etc...are the exact same words that my son says. He is 12 now and we've gone through 4 yrs of medications and switches. Concerta works great for him, my brother and myself, but everyone is different. You have to be patient and find a good team of people to help your family. Mine is a behavioral ped. We have gone to a counsler too, although we didn't care too much for him and my insurance won't cover psych doc's who specialize in kids :( So for now my hubby and I our son's counsler. I think most times that the hardest thing in life is loving a ADHD kid. As my son is older we have more open and frank conversations with him regarding his behavior, actions and personal responsibility. Your son has to learn to control his behavior himself. Medication will only take him so far but ultimately he still is responsible for his own actions. We can tell when my son doesn't take his medications through not only more hyperactivity but with poor choices in actions. The lying doesn't go away without consequences, medication or not. All the medication does is make it easier for your son (or sd) to make the right choice. Think of it as his/her conscience. He still may choose to lie, break things, be disruptive, but the meds help slow him down so he can think before he does.
Keep your chin up. As I only can speak for myself, feel reassured that you're not the only mother that feels like a failure. I feel I am doubly quilty as I also gave my son ADHD through my genes (out of 4 siblings 2 of us need medication and 1 has a hisory of self-medicating and 1 has found exercise helpful but still can not complete college courses) and in my parenting of him (lots of screaming and threats some days). Good luck
First of all, you are NOT a failure. Almost all moms feel like that at some point in time. Only the ones who do nothing about it could possibly be called a failure, and maybe not even then. I highlighted some of my concerns below. Please, please, please do not ignore these feelings of his, thinking nothing will happen. It really sounds like he is depressed, possibly because of all the bad things he heard while you stayed at MIL's house. I think that the one-on-one probably helps him, but he needs a LOT of it in order to come out of it. I would look into seeing a psychologist. Perhaps his ADHD has transformed into something more than just ADHD. Anxiety, depression, bipolar??? At a minimum, he could spend time with a psychologist to work through his feelings. If it turns out to be more, he may need extra help, maybe meds???
Quoting Peanut_Farley:....
My ds talks everyday about how stupid he is, how he hates school, just wishes he was dead and only when he doesn't get his way and that's why I'm not freaking out about it. He gets a reaction every time. I will go and sit with him and talk and he'll just say it's because he's so mad that he 'fill in the blank', but I don't think that it's going to actually happen. He is just having his out bursts and getting one on one time with me.
I would like to also say that you're not a failure. I'm a sahm of four girls (well, now one is off in college) and there are many days when I feel like a failure, wonder if I'm doing a good job and second guess myself as a mom. My favorite movie is It's A Wonderful Life and I really strive to be Mary Bailey, lol!!! Seriously though. My youngest will throw a tantrum (and she's 12!) and say the same things your son says. She was on Abilify when she was acting that bad, so we've switched her to Lexapro and she's doing a little better. Sometimes the meds can cause them to feel this way. I would say get him into a therapist and have him evaluated. At this age it's kind of hard to diagnose them, but I would start with some therapy so they can begin to figure out everything that's going on. It'll be trial and error, but worth it in the long run! Good luck and please keep us updated.
Donna
If he came with instructions and you used them for kindling then you would be a failure. It's hard. We all do the best we can. I've been there. But I'm not there anymore. I'll tell you why.
I really believe every child is different. My son is 8 and his story is similar to your son's in many ways. Not quite as "hard-core" maybe for lack of a better word. I relate to the lying and the daily phone calls. My son has a temper, he's defiant, he argues about everything. He has some social issues and problems with getting bullied (or at least he perceived it that way). There were problems in kindergarten with self-organization. More often than not he was sent home without his back pack, jacket, gloves or hat that he had arrived with earlier in the day. Teaching him to do anything like the steps to bathroom etiquette, or putting on his own clothes seemed impossible. By the first week of first grade his teacher was calling me every other day, basically stating he was a sweet child but she was highly concerned because he couldn't sit still, pay attention, organize etc. During a conference the teacher looked at me like I was crazy when I mentioned I thought it was possible he was gifted, or highly intelligent. I didn't think it was crazy. He seemed to pick up on concepts very quickly from walking and talking to reading and computer operation. The phone calls from school continued. The principal, the teacher, the bus driver. It took us the entire first grade year to get him diagnosed with ADD.
p.s. the music teacher said he seemed to understand and enjoy music far more than other children.
We bought him a drum set. And an electric guitar. And a piano.
The books and the doctors recommended medication. They said it was a shame not to medicate him so he could think clearly. We put him on Concerta.
During second grade, the phone calls stopped. The teacher seemed disconnected. But she told us he was doing great. She said he understood algebra.
I didn't know that. I don't understand algebra. She said she called him her "little mathematician."
I said I thought my son could be gifted. She didn't laugh at all. She thought he should be tested.
"How does one get an accurate IQ reading when testing a child with ADD?" I thought.
But still, it wasn't settling well, the Concerta. It just didn't settle well no matter how much I tried to convince others (and myself) that it was a good idea and the right decision.
By the end of 2nd grade my son was well-adjusted. Not symptom free by any means but school was better. He still never brought home his backpack. Or homework. His grades went up.
But there were side-effects from the meds. A fear of everything. Especially bikes, bugs, and anything dangerous–like escalators. Compulsively biting his fingers until they bled and built callouses. Terrets-like symptoms. Eye-blinking, compulsive throat clearing. He lost close to 20 pounds. And he had horrible anxiety being around people. He wanted to be left alone most the time. Grumpy.
It's Summer Vacation. What a perfect time to take him off the meds and see how he does. It's been a year, afterall. Whoa! 2 days of running in circles and talking and laughing. And he was STARVING. My friends looked at him in amazement. "I've never seen anything like this," my friend said.
Several days later he calmed down. Still hungry. We went to the coast. He climbed a 30 foot rock with his new campsite friends. He rode his bike. My family said it was nice to have "the old Shea" back. "He's so friendly and happy," they said in surprise.
3rd grade started off the meds.
The teacher was calling every several days again. "He can't sit still for even one minute."
I put my happy Shea on a different type of med.
Same side-effects.
Back off the meds.
It was clear resources in public schools were limited for children with ADD. Borderline non-existent. His self-esteem plummeted.
I pulled him out of school. My dad homeschools him while I'm at work. Two days a week he goes to a co-op through the public school system, for parents that homeschool. He takes classes like Lego Science and Japanese Culture. He does lessons on the computer. He goes to the YMCA. He LOVES school now. He LOVES learning. 20 minutes of work, 15 minutes of play. Repeat. His progress report for November is outstanding. Sounds way more interesting then what I learning in school.
Anyway, Shea is still off meds. He is happy. He's trouble. He's difficult. He argues and lies and loses his temper. But he knows we love him. He can learn social skills at his own pace (a little slower than others). And he can learn academically at his own pace (the speed of lightning).
Oh by the way. The co-op principal called his old school and found his test scores from an IQ test he received in 1st grade. I guess that memo didn't make it home. It said he was tested in the top 10%. That was off the meds.
Funny. I thought that piece of information may have been notable at the time. Maybe it was lost in a file. Remember those manilla folders with paper in them that we used to use. I think they still do.
Things get lost.
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- Peanut_Farley
on Nov. 17, 2009 at 10:54 PM