my son is almost 16. He is ADHD and bipolar. He HATES school. It's a fight everyday to get him up. He doesn't do homework. He forgets he has homework and/or he forgets the homework at school. He says the more I tell him to do it, the less he does. But if I don't tell him to do it, he won't do it anyway. I'm so sicking of fighting with him. He is failing 5 out of 7 classes. It doesn't work to take games or phone or anything away. He could care less. How do I get him motivated to do this on his own? I've told him that it really doesn't matter to me if he has to retake all these classes. I'm only trying to get him to help himself. It is for his own benefit to pass so he can graduate and be done with school. I feel like my stress level is about to break. Any suggestions would be much appreciated.
Does your son have an IEP at school? Is the school willing to be helpful at all? Is he in therapy, and or on medication?
The old saying, "you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink" is true. All the fighting and arguing you do with him will not get him to do his work, and will probably have the opposite effect of making him resist the work even more. He is at that age where he will be obstinate, just to be obstinate.
Now, is he capable of doing his work? Then, is he organized enough to be able to get him homwork back to school. My son was a C/D student, and a bit ADD. He refused to let us help him, but he did finally agree to go to Sylvan and do their study and organizational program. It did help a lot, but first he had to be willing to try. Chances are your son has not learned the organizational skills he needs in order to function and it is easier for him to say NO, than to admit he has a problem with organization.
What helped for my son was he got a job bagging groceries. The reality he say was that people without a college degree were pretty stuck in dead in jobs, let alone without a high school degree. Somehow your child needs a dose of reality.
Try to pull back, and let him handle it, but be there to offer help when he wants it. Chances are your son will have to fail first, be held back possibly, and be miserable. If he wants to quit school, well then he needs to have a job and pay some sort of rent. That is reality.
Also, is there any support group in your area? You are in a hard position, and my heart goes out to you. Good luck with your son. Hang in there and be there for him, but let him know that he will have to deal with the consequences of his decisions.
Quoting rccmom:
Does your son have an IEP at school? Is the school willing to be helpful at all? Is he in therapy, and or on medication?
The old saying, "you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink" is true. All the fighting and arguing you do with him will not get him to do his work, and will probably have the opposite effect of making him resist the work even more. He is at that age where he will be obstinate, just to be obstinate.
Now, is he capable of doing his work? Then, is he organized enough to be able to get him homwork back to school. My son was a C/D student, and a bit ADD. He refused to let us help him, but he did finally agree to go to Sylvan and do their study and organizational program. It did help a lot, but first he had to be willing to try. Chances are your son has not learned the organizational skills he needs in order to function and it is easier for him to say NO, than to admit he has a problem with organization.
What helped for my son was he got a job bagging groceries. The reality he say was that people without a college degree were pretty stuck in dead in jobs, let alone without a high school degree. Somehow your child needs a dose of reality.
Try to pull back, and let him handle it, but be there to offer help when he wants it. Chances are your son will have to fail first, be held back possibly, and be miserable. If he wants to quit school, well then he needs to have a job and pay some sort of rent. That is reality.
Also, is there any support group in your area? You are in a hard position, and my heart goes out to you. Good luck with your son. Hang in there and be there for him, but let him know that he will have to deal with the consequences of his decisions.
my son does have an IEP and it does help some. He is on meds. You are right on with his organizational skills. That has always been his problem. I got him a folder with multipockets so he can have all his papers in 1 spot. I've gotten him notebooks to write down assignments. I've gotten 3 & 5 subject notebooks so he can't forget his notebook for class. His memory sucks when it comes to packing up his bookbag at the end of the day. I told him if he had assignments jotted down in the notebook, he can just grab books and go. I've told him that if he knows he has an assignment, to put that book directly into his bookbag so it is ready to come home. But NO. Nothing works. I've thought about Sylvan but they are expensive. We live out in the country so a job is out of the question until he gets his license in the spring. The whole thing is just so fustrating. I told him that I'm not getting after him about his homework because I want to. I'm doing it because I want him to have a better life. Good grades equal a better future. I said I don't expect A&B's. I would settle for passing at this point.
Some schools will allow a student to keep a set of books at home, as well as at school if they have difficulties with remembering their books for assignments. Maybe you can get the school to do that? Have it written in his IEP. Also, set up some type of communication with the teachers on assignments. I know many teachers are difficult about this, but with email these days, there is no reason why they can't keep you informed of what assignments are going on.
We tried to teach our son organization skills, but for some reason he would not accept it from us either. Sylvan is expensive. Maybe there would be a teacher at school willing to mentor your son in organization?
You can also hook getting his license into his grades. After all, you pay less insurance for a student who gets a better gpa. We told our son that he would have to pay the difference between the good gpa rate, and his gpa if he didn't get his gpa up to the good student discount. My son waited til he was 17 and got his gpa up to get his license. Of course that meant we had to drive him to work, but it was only a few miles.
Somehow your son has to find his own motivation. We can't as parents make our children become motivated, though I know we all wish we could.
I definately agree with all rcc says. I think a lot of times there's a "challenge" and our kids give up rather than take it on. We have to try to provide the tools to show them they can get over this obsticle. Maybe a repeat grade will motivate him to do better next time. My son is only 12 but he was having a hard time at the begining of the year. But I think he was taking advantage of me and all that I did to make school "easy" for him. He's turned around this past month which is such a relief. I was afraid he was going to have to repeat 6th grade.
I'm right there with you. do we have the same kid.... I gave mine a deadline and marked it on the calendar so he sees it black and white and i mean business he to is failing 5 grades ... consistency works good with adhd start making him accountable for his own they are at the age they can even with the illness but a time will come when they can't blame the illness anymore and then what happens set some goals for him and time frames to accomplish them if he doesn't then it is followed by consequences my son is great for finding (loop holes in everything and then it is made mistake proof and seeing it black and white everyday and its not changed ), i know it is harder then you think it gets worse before it gets better but it will get better .. thought i had the only son who did not care if everything gets taken away from him.. but there is somthing that he has to care about and make that the focus of taking it away and when you say something back it up on the spot because it will come back to haunt you trust me been there done that , no matter how big or small it is, it could be something as simple as taking out the trash but there doing no matter what goes down... Given there age they think they know it all and we are here to balance it, it is NEVER to late to make them mind as long as they live under are roof and soon they will be on their own and then we have no control anymore change is good we all have busy liefs but home is where the heart of it all is ....thought i would never change my sons way of thinking and he was struggle all threw life and he hit 17 and seems to mature more and more everyday and the illness is still there but it is not focal point please don't make your children's illness the focal point of their life and they will think hay i have this illness i can and will do anything i want sure they have it but it needs to be balanced and living a normal life .. i treat all four off my children the same way no matter what kind of illness they have .....son rob 17 is ADHD, bipolar , ODD diagnosed at 10 but had problems as early as 5. 18 year old daughter Britt personality traits disorder, Rachel 15 diagnosed major anxiety at 9 which causes her high blood pressure , ODD. Laura 14 major OCD , anxiety at 10 all function quite well and are no different then the average child take care Joann
thanks everyone. He pulled up 3 grades and did fail 2. 1 was a semester grade that he failed so he gets no high school credit for it. I told him, oh well. now instead of having a study hall, you get to have biology all over again. I talked to the guidence counslor and asked her to talk to him about possible careers. see if she can get him movitated about his future. I told her not to say I asked her to talk to him. Him and I were on another subject and we were talking about the counselor and it didn't sound like she talked to him yet. I hope she does soon.
This sounds exactly like my 15-year old son who has ADD and Aspergers. He has an IEP but nothing seems to help and I am retired and cannot afford the Sylvan's course. I keep hoping that a light will go off in his head and he will realize he has to put in the time, take responsibility for turning in his work and studying for tests. It really gets frustrating for both of us.
A mom with a Bi-Polar teen
- missyh
on Jan. 11, 2011 at 10:04 AM