I don't want hugs or sympathy I just want to stop hurting. I want to stop feeling worthless, broken, flawed, disposable, disgusting...the list goes on. Please dont tell me i'm not these things. I know who the real me is. I backed our family car into my husbands work van. Then I didnt tell hin because he has a temper and I was afraid of his reaction. Then a few days later he saw the dent and when he asked me I lied. He believed me of course and assumed it was the place where I had just had the oil changed. He called them, they of course denied it and he went off cussing at them and screaming and threatening them. He punched the metal door and dented it, but also had an anxiety attack (this was all yesterday). Then this morning out of the blue said he knew it happend in our driveway and to fess up. So I told him, and he said my reasons for not telling him were bullshit excuses. He says he knows this isnt the first thing I've lied about to him, that that is what he can't stand about my mom (she lies all the time), that I make everything about me, and after hours of the silent treatment when I asked him if he still isnt talking to me he said he doesn't even want to be around me. I think he might not want to be with me anymore. I can't handle this. I have no close friends anymore, I just want to die. Before you tell me not to hurt myself, I'm not going to. I have two daughters I wouldn't do that to.
Ps. I know after being the cause of his panic attack I don't deserve sympathy, and I am not asking for it. I deserve to feel like shit, I get it. I just wanted to vent.
on Jun. 24, 2012 at 8:03 PM