Everyone please read.... I need help.
My General Physician just put me on Klonipin 1mg (1/2mg weren't really helping). I get 15 pills a month and can take up to 3 pills a day. If I have a few bad days I'm out. He says it's too addictive to prescribe more than that and if the 15 pills a month don't cut it we will have to consider other options. Before this Klonipin he had me on Abilify and I couldn't take it, it made me ragey, jittery, i wanted to constantly eat, and had horrible headaches, What other alterntives are there? I have never been given a diagnosis therefore I feel very out of touch with the specifics of what could be wrong. I know I have had dillusions before (I was convince my step dad was going to kill me. This went on for an entire summer when I was in my teens) I make irresponsible choices w/ spending money, stealing, I definitely have some impulse control issues, and I have quite a few sensory issues. Certain types of noise practically throw me into an anxiety attack, certain textures cause some weird behaviors from me ...if my fingernails scratch a metal or glass or concrete surface i have to rub them against something soft a bunch of times. The same thing happens if I touch terra cotta, or wear the wrong kind of shoes on a concrete floor. I can't go barefoot on concrete or I will have to rub my feet on carpet to remove the sensation. I'm sure there are a million more quirks. I am moody, impatient, way too short tempered and loud with my daughters (I hate myself for this). I can't stand my mom because she lies all the time, I don't know my realy dad and after 32 years I found him but, he refused to meet me. So I still don't even know what he looks like. Or anything about my heritage. I have 4 stepdads growing up i'm told the first one sexually abused me (I was only a toddler at the most) Around 4 my mom remarried and I remember alot of sexual abuse, manipulation, and an almost mind control of sorts from the second one. This went on for 5 years and I finally told my mom and she left him, only to go back to him 2 months later and he continued the abuse. Finally, she got tired of him and married his alcoholic step-brother, at this point I was 10. He hated me and pretty much knit picked everything I did and blamed me for whatever went wrong around the house. Did I mention my mom sent me to live w/ my grandparents (Her adopted parents) a few times, both of which abused her growing up. She was beating by mom grandma, and sexually abused by my grandpa. I honestly don't remember anything like this happening to me while living with them. I does make question her parenting decisions (so do her previous actions). She finally left the 3rd husband (alcoholic) and married my current step dad. He was very controlling but he tried w/ me. He yelled alot but he didn't know different. Some stuff went down that i never did figure out. I used to find unwashed pairs of my underwear in his pillow cases. He use to go through my bedroom all the time. I even ran away from home once (lasted like 12 hours). I think this is when my dillusions started about thinking my stepdad wanted to kill me. I have made a lot of bad choices as an adult but have done a milliion times better than my mom. I want to get a handle on myself but don't know where to start. I can't do counseling because the place by my house requires group as part of counseling and I am @ work during those hours. I want to figure myself out, I swear half the time I can't even recognize the feeling that I am feeling at that moment.
If anyone can help me w/ my med questions or my questions on myself that would be great. Any and all advise is welcomed.